Dear Pastor’s Wife (Part 1)

Dear Pastor’s Wife,

When you married that husband of yours, you took on more than his last name. For years, as you’ve entered the church building on Sunday mornings and taken your seat near the front, you’ve carried the weight of your husband’s responsibilities and reputation on your shoulders. Although he has always been the one teaching from the platform, the two of you are one flesh—and you feel it all. 

Few understand what it’s like be in your position: how lonely it can be, how much of your husband you’ve had to surrender for the sake of his role, how you face pressure to justify the decisions you make or how you spend money, or how overwhelming it feels to attempt to measure up to expectations about what you do and who you should be.

Those who have not walked alongside a husband in ministry may not fully understand the difficulties you face—but they also haven’t experienced all the joys that come with serving Jesus in your unique position.That’s one reason Revive Our Hearts Ambassadors exist. Many serve from decades of personal experience, where they’ve had a firsthand look at both the pain and privilege that accompanies ministry life. 

Meet three Revive Our Hearts Ambassadors with a heart for pastors’ wives like you: Joette Hudberg (Hastings, Michigan) has been married to her husband for over fifty years and currently supports him in his part-time role as a care pastor. Kim Zolman (Fort Wayne, Indiana) has been a women’s ministry leader at her church and is married to Tad, who serves in ministry as prayer intercessor. Kayce Reed (Pride, Louisiana) has been a pastor’s wife for nearly twenty-three years. She currently serves as the women's ministry leader of a “little church with a big heart.”

30 Ways to Support Your Husband

When I interviewed Joette, Kayce, and Kim, their most passionate answers addressed the questions, “How can a pastor’s wife support her husband in his role? How can she preserve her unique role as his wife?” 

“This one I personally know well!” was the immediate response. Between the three Ambassadors, they provided a list of thirty ways you can support your pastor—as his wife.

1. Pursue Christ: individually and hand-in-hand with your husband.
2. Be your husband’s safe place.
3. Make home a refuge for him. 
4. Speak his love languages loudly and consistently. 
5. Always be his biggest fan. 
6. Ask good questions to spark communication. 
7. Listen well. 
8. Give him opportunities to “be human,” especially while he wrestles over issues. 
9. Support him by persevering alongside him.
10. Let God “fix” him. 
11. Speak the truth to him in love. 
12. Don’t belittle him because of his shortcomings. 
13. Always have his back. 
14. Take his hurts to the feet of Jesus. 
15. Pray for him. 
16. Pray with him. 
17. Remember you are his wife, not his counselor or mother. 
18. Express empathy and understanding, but resist the urge to "fuel the fire" and exacerbate situations.
19. Help him find strength to face the battle. 
20. Give advice gently (he probably already knows what he needs to do). 
21. Protect the church by loving even those who are unkind to him.
22. Resist the urge to vent to others about what he’s experiencing.
23. Encourage regular breaks from ministry (like a day off).
24. Plan time for him to enjoy his family, date nights, sports, and hobbies. 
25. Speak well of him.
26. Cherish him by being intentional about knowing what makes him feel loved and valued. 
27. Do and say what you know will stir his heart. 
28. Celebrate all that he is doing well. 
29. Don’t resent the time that he is away doing ministry. 
30. Keep your own priorities in order as you love him: you’re a child of the King, a partner of an “under-shepherd,” and a servant of God’s Bride (the Church!). 

This advice is only the first answer to a series of questions from these Revive Our Hearts Ambassadors. For more of their wisdom and encouragement,check out tomorrow's post.