Friend. So much is tied into that one word. From the playground days when friendship revolved around little more than kickball or jump rope; to middle and high school when friendships could blossom over biology homework, hatred for PE, or playing the same instrument; to adult friendships that perhaps still feel somewhat clunky and awkward. Age and experience don’t necessarily mean that we’ve got things figured out. Often, we just exchange one superficial conversation (biology homework) for another (sports teams, the weather, or current events).
Relationships that flower out of a shared experience or common interest have their place. They may not have a ton of staying power, but they’re still a good thing. However, we need more than just this type of friendship. And what better example to follow than the Savior Himself.
Jesus gives a portrait of friendship in the final days and even hours of His life. One of these friends, the Apostle John, who calls himself “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” gives us a courtside view of this friendship in action. He begins his recounting of the last night of Jesus’ earthly life with these words:
Before the Passover Festival, Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart from this world to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (John 13:1, emphasis mine)
Failure was imminent. Though the disciples didn’t see it coming (John 13:36–38), Jesus knew that they would deny Him, desert Him, and want to give up on Him. And yet, He loved them to the very end and assured them that they were indeed His friends.
Humble Service
The disciples entered the room bickering about the GOAT. No, it wasn’t the LeBron vs. Michael Jordan, Jack Nicklaus vs. Tiger Woods, or Roger Federer vs. Novak Djokavic debate. The disciples were arguing about which of them was the greatest and deserved the best seat in heaven. Jesus didn’t respond like I would have—with a sharp remark that put them all in their place. Instead, He quietly got up from His seat and began to serve, doing the job of the lowliest servant in the house. Armed with a basin and towel, He gently, quietly washed the soiled, calloused, odiferous feet of His friends.
In order to follow the example of Christ and love our friends until the end, we must be willing to keep our mouths shut and serve them, even when they’re being difficult. The disciples weren’t in the midst of a deep trial; they weren’t on the edge of disaster. They were arguing about who should get the best seat—and they were doing this in front of Jesus. And yet, Jesus served them and asked nothing in return.
Of course, friendship that is completely one-sided isn’t much of a friendship, and a person who never reciprocates service probably isn’t a true friend. Both parties should adopt the mindset of humble service. And what a beautiful picture of the gospel will result when two people work to serve one another and meet the other’s needs!
Selfless Comfort & Confrontation
John 14–16 details Jesus’ patient instruction to His disciples as He prepares them for the difficult night, weekend, and lifetime that lay ahead of them. He patiently answers their questions when they get confused (14:5, 8, 22), and though much of what He says won’t click until later, He gives them all that they need to know to carry on after His ascension.
No doubt, Jesus’ relationship with His disciples was unique. So, what can we learn about friendship from this lengthy discourse?
First, Jesus demonstrates a willingness to confront His friends. When Peter boldly claims that he would lay down his life for Jesus, Jesus directly but kindly tells Peter that he would in fact deny even knowing Christ three times before dawn. Jesus isn’t afraid to call out his friends. He was willing to say something difficult that Peter needed to hear. Sometimes in our friendships we tend to take the easy way out and give either explicit or implicit approval instead of risking a conflict.
We also see that Jesus tenderly comforted His friends. He knew that His friends would be troubled by the news that He was going to be leaving (14:1), and He didn’t want to leave them in turmoil. Instead, He took time to console their hearts by promising that the Comforter would come (16:7–8), that He would give peace (14:27), and that they had a direct line to the Father in Jesus’ name (16:23–24). Jesus had a rough night ahead, and He could have been entirely self-focused but He wasn’t. Jesus looked on the needs of His friends and spent His final hours with them trying to comfort them.
What do your conversations say about your friendships? Are you selfless in offering kind, winsome confrontation? Or do you selfishly hold back? When difficult situations arise, do you wait for others to comfort you, or do you consider their needs as more important than your own?
Intercessory Prayer
Jesus’ final action before Judas’ betrayal and His arrest was to pray at length for His disciples. We know John 17 as Jesus’ “High Priestly Prayer” because it’s such a masterful example of intercessory prayer. While other Gospel writers reveal that Jesus did beseech the Father that He take the cup away from His Son (Matt. 26:39), Jesus spent much of His time in the Garden praying for His friends.
I don’t want to give the idea that it’s somehow wrong to pray for your own needs. Absolutely not. Jesus isn’t forbidding that, but He is modeling intercessory prayer for us. His love for His friends is so great that even in His own anguish, He’s still able to think about their needs.
Prayer and friendship both require work. In order to pray intelligently, we must take time to listen to our friend’s heart as we chat over coffee. Where are they hurting? Where are they struggling? If you’re unable to infer these, come right out and ask. If Jesus, in His darkest hour could pray for His friends, surely I can as well.
Gentle Restoration
The last interaction that John gives between Jesus and His friends happens on a beach one morning as the fishermen disciples have gone back to their boats and nets. After a night of unsuccessful fishing, they’re tired and ready to call it quits. But a Man on the beach tells them to try one more time, this time on the right side of the boat. The disciples think, “Why not?” and throw their net into the water once more. You know (or can guess) the story—their nets were full to bursting when they drew them back into the boat.
At this point they realize that the Man is Jesus, and they head to the shore to dine with Him one last time. During this impromptu breakfast date, Jesus and Peter have a significant conversation in which Jesus asks Peter three times, “Do you love Me?” (John 21:15–17). This exchange, while somewhat confusing on the surface, is a beautiful picture of restoration.
Sometimes friendship requires reconciliation. I realize that some circumstances may preclude this, but the norm for followers of Christ ought to be forgiveness (Eph. 4:32). Jesus moved toward Peter, engaged him, and ultimately restored him. Perhaps you’re like me and prefer to wait for the other person to make the first move, despite the inevitable problems this tendency may cause. But that proud method of handling problems is not Christ’s way. He moves first, ready to forgive, and lets Peter respond.
Reconciliation is not one-size-fits-all. It’s a tricky conversation. But Jesus provides the undeniable example that though it may be fraught, nuanced, and complicated, it’s not optional.
Friendship is tough sometimes. I’m sure Jesus would agree. But that didn’t stop Him from loving His friends to the very end.
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