Don’t plead with me to abandon you or to return and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. ~Ruth 1:16
Strange and strained relationships with in-laws are, of course, the subject of many jokes. In fact, it’s hard to say “mother-in-law” without it sounding cynical. But when you got married, were you ready for the in-laws?
For our first few years of marriage, Nancy and I decided to be intentional about my relationship with her widowed mother. We needed to be intentional because we live 1,288 miles from her. No spontaneous drop-ins there. Soon it dawned on me that the best insurance policy for a good relationship between Nancy and me was twofold. First, my strong love for her had to include her confidence that, even though my parents had been in heaven for many years and my strong relationship with my brothers and sisters was legendary, I had left the home of my birth. She would not be competing for first place with my siblings. Second was an open and caring and going-first relationship between her mother and me. Weekly calls filled with news, kind words, laughter, and even singing. Since 2015 this has all been sweet.
The relationship between Ruth and her late husband’s mother, Naomi, is one of the most tender and beautiful in all the Bible. Can you imagine that Ruth’s plea to Naomi (see vv. 16–17) was coming from a woman to her mother-in-law? It’s such a tender speech that it’s often used in wedding ceremonies to affirm a bride and groom’s commitment to each other.
Someday your children may choose to get married. Promising to love and cherish some- one else, they’ll leave your house and move in with their new mate. Then you’ll face the challenge of building a relationship with a brand-new member of your family—an in-law.
Although nothing is said about Naomi’s relationship with her two sons, we can assume it must have been special. That assumption comes from the fact that these boys’ wives deeply loved their husbands’ mother—so much so that when these men died, their widows didn’t want to leave Naomi and go back to their own families.
Many family relationships, once children get married, decline into conflict, then escalate into battle. And sometimes they quietly melt into mediocrity or quiet bitterness. Forced to be loyal to their own spouses, grown children may begin to build walls of protection between themselves and their parents. And, when it’s time, after a lifetime of loving our children, you and I long for a wonderful, ongoing relationship with them when they marry. Estrangement would be heartbreaking.
The secret of Naomi’s success with her sons’ wives must have started with her love for her boys. But another clue is quietly embedded in this story. Naomi loved her daughters-in-law with an open hand. Given the circumstances of the loss of her own husband, then the death of her sons, she could have manipulated these women into feeling obligated to her. “Who’s going to take care of me?” Instead, she released them to leave, to return to their own families. This, of course, drew them to her even more.
The choice your children make for their mates is a colossal one. And the importance of your relationship to these new family members is no less immense. How can you get ready for this? Continue tenderly loving your children while you have them, and as they grow older, open your arms so that their reciprocal love is invited, not forced.
Your prayer should be that God will bless and protect your children’s spouses. Pray also that God will prepare you for a wonderful relationship with them when that day arrives.