How to Parent Teens with Gospel Hope, with Melissa Kruger

If you’re a parent of teenagers, you’re probably used to hearing messages filled with fear, hopelessness, and cynicism. You won’t find that on Grounded! In this episode, you’ll learn how to parent teenagers with biblical hope and perspective. Guest Melissa Kruger shares how you can cultivate a Christ-centered household and pass a legacy of faithfulness on to your teenagers. 

Connect with Melissa

Instagram: @melissabryankruger 
Twitter: @melissabkruger 
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melissabkrugerwitsend
Website: https://melissabkruger.com/

Episode Notes

• Revive Our Hearts Ambassadors
• Parenting with Hope: Raising Teens for Christ in a Secular Age book by Melissa B. Kruger
• True Woman '25
• “From Holding to Folding” video with Shannon Popkin
• You’re Welcome Here Bible Study
• You’re Welcome Here video series.
• Revive Our Hearts Spring Sale

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Erin Davis: Well, when it comes to our teenagers, I think it's time to flip the script. I'm Erin Davis. You're watching or listening to Grounded, and we are women on a mission. We're here every week to give out two things we know you need every week because we need them too: that's hope and perspective. We want to give out hope and perspective for every season of your life. 

Here's the season of life that I'm in: raising teenagers. If you're raising teenagers, you're much more likely to be bombarded with messages of fear and hopelessness and cynicism than hope and perspective. But I promise you, we don't have any of that here this morning.

Portia Collins: Amen. I'm Portia Collins. Our guest today says it's possible to cultivate a Christ-centered household and pass on a legacy of faithfulness to our teenagers

Erin: I love everything you just said—Christ-centered household. I want a legacy of faithfulness for my teenagers. I've got at least two reasons this morning to believe that's possible. 

Can a mama just brag? I’ve got my boy, Eli, who is the spitting image of his dad, handsome in every way. There he is, sixteen years old. Then I have Noble who is my more introspective, deep thinker son. Sometimes it's very hard for me to know what's going on in that beautiful brain of his. He’s fourteen years old. And then two more are coming up. So, I’ll be raising teenagers for a long time. I need to believe it's possible to pass on a legacy of faithfulness to my voice. 

Portia: Oh, I love those sweet faces. Look, I got one more to add to the mix. My Emmy is not a teenager yet—although I like to say she is six going on sixteen. 

Erin: Look at that girl. 

Portia: There’s that baby that is six going on sixteen. And you know, we're not ready quite yet for the teenage years. I do know that we are laying a foundation for those teen years right now, and I don't want to be fearful of what's to come. And sometimes, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of find myself panicking a little bit about those years. I know how I was as a teenager, and I'm like, “Lord, help me.”

Erin: Yeah, I know. Mamas have said this to you before, Portia. It's hard to believe it when you're in the middle of it, but Emmy is gonna be a teenager in no time. It really is the blink of an eye. I love that you said we don't want to face it with fear. We shouldn't face anything with fear. The Scripture warns us that we don't have to be fearful, including we as parents. 

So, at the top of the episode, I said that I wanted to flip the script. I was talking with a friend just last week, and we were both parenting teenagers. We were talking about all that that entails. She said that when it comes to teenagers, I wish I could flip the script. Meaning, the message that we hear is that the teenage years are so hard, and teenagers have to rebel, and they are going to maybe walk away from their faith. She was saying that that's not been my experience. 

So, we want to flip the script. We want to tell a different story. You want to tell the story of what God can and is doing in the lives of your teenager. So, we're gonna do that today. 

Melissa Kruger is with us. That's the kind of guest that makes me want to whoop. That's the farm girl in me. She's a great, great guest. We've had her here before, and she's gonna teach us how to parent teenagers not with fear, not with cynicism, but with hope, so this is a highly shareable episode. If you know anybody with teenagers in their house, then we would count on you to at least hit that share button. We think you can send it out. Let people know that we're talking about putting those two words together today: teenagers and hope. 

We want to just have you share it, spread the word about that. We're also going to learn the difference between holding and folding parenting, which is a paradigm shift that I needed for myself. I know you're going to need too. 

We're gonna get grounded in God's Word. Of course, we always do, you can go ahead and turn to the book of 1 Timothy. If you were watching last week, you know we had our biggest Grounded giveaway ever. We gave away lots of lots and lots and lots and lots of books. We have not announced the winners yet. We wanted to do that live today. So, we will announce the winners of those giveaways. Before we do any of that, we need some good news. Portia, take it away.

Portia: I am ready. I'm going to bring in a good news correspondent to help us to encourage us today. Angela Temples is part of the Revive Our Hearts team. I'm gonna let y'all in on the secret. Call her the mayor, because this lady is a people person. She serves along with Erin, Dannah, and I, and she leads a very special group of women. I'm gonna let her tell you about it. Welcome to Grounded, Angela.

Angela Temples: Good morning, Portia. It's great to be here. It’s good to see your face. 

Portia: You too, you too. 

Okay, tell us about the Revive Our Hearts Ambassadors. 

Angela: Well, how long do you have for me to tell you about them? This is the most stellar group of women. There are fifty-two of them that are serving right now across the country, around the world. I think we're in twenty-three states. Some of these women have served with us nine years, volunteering just to come alongside pastors’ wives and women's ministry leaders in their area. Just to say, “How can I encourage you? Have you seen this resource? How can I pray for you today? We have an event coming up? Something hard in your family? Is there a safe place?”

They can share with her that she doesn't know anybody at their church probably. These women just come alongside and hold their arms up like Aaron and Hur did with Moses. She says, “Keep going. Stay in the fight. Keep going.” 

These are incredible women. Incredible. And let me just say this, we're talking about teenagers. I taught teens for junior high and high school kids for thirteen years. These women are not your typical junior high girls like some groups of women are. They are in the fight together and positive and fun. They have a great time. But always going back to Jesus, which I love. 

Portia: I love that. What a perfect description. Okay, so you said that these women are volunteers. They give, I'm thinking, hundreds of hours every year to encourage other women. What motivates them? 

Angela: I would say most of them have been influenced by Revive Our Hearts. They've been connected at least three to five years. And then they say, “Revive Our Hearts is poured into me. How can I pour back out.” 

They give a minimum of ten hours a month, “I'll take care of the ladies that have been connected to Revive Our Hearts in my area.” And so, we give them some names of pastors’ wives and women's ministry leaders in their area. They email them or they meet face to face. They send them cards. They send them notes of encouragement via email or text however the relationship is. They give hundreds of hours. So, give them forty hours a month of volunteering just to say I've been poured into and I want to see you thriving in Christ too. It's incredible what they're seeing and what they're doing. 

Portia: I love it. I love it. I know you got tons of them, but can you share maybe a favorite story about how God has used an ambassador to do something significant?

Angela: Well, I want to share right now that we're focusing on the southeast. We’re asking God to raise up some ambassadors, more ambassadors to our team, but we want God to bring them and not us—you come do this, you come do this. So we're asking God to raise them up. 

We've been doing a focus in the southeast. We're having about fourteen area connections. We invite women to come join our team and meet with some other pastors, wives, and leaders. We've had groups of just pastors’ wives where a pastor wife Ambassador pours into them. We've had groups as small as two that come, and then we’ve had a group right across the border from California, Mexicali, where they had 150 ladies come just to hear about Revive Our Hearts and be connected to one another. 

It's incredible when these women say, “I've prayed for years that I can have someone to share with. God brought you at just the right time.” 

We have one lady who she was calling (we make calls when we have a conference). She called the lady, and the lady burst into tears when she said who she was. The Ambassador was like, “Oh, is she mad? Is she gonna hang up on me?” 

And the lady said, “I was just coming in from outside to call Revive Our Hearts and say, ‘I need prayer.’ And you call.” That happens over and over again. We know as women, ministry is hard. You're alone on the front lines many times, but these ambassadors are a safe place, and they love these women and love point them to the Word, and love getting them grounded in God's Word. 

Portia: Yes. I know that to be so true. I have seen it time and time again. My ambassador here in Mississippi is lovely. And so yeah, I love to hear those stories of how God is moving. 

Okay, so I said, you are our good news correspondent today. As you think about the ambassadors and the kingdom work that they are doing, what makes you smile.

Angela: It makes me smile that women who are called to be pastors’ wives stay in the fight. Because you hear and read statistics that pastors are leaving. If their wife is unhappy, then the pastor is usually unhappy. 

So, to see these women excited about ministry, excited about what God's called them . . . And let me just say this. There was a pastor's wife who hadn't been to church in three years with her husband. One of our ambassadors came alongside her and began to share with her, praying with her for courage and in truth. She is now back and leading a Bible study with the women of her church. I mean, that's what keeps me going. That's what keeps these women going. That is great news for the future of the Church. 

Portia: Yes, as you can see, that made me smile, too. I love that. I love that. Okay, if someone wants to connect with an ambassador . . . oh, looks like I lost my view.

Erin: I don’t know what's happening to P, but I can pivot. We are live. She was asking you how they can connect with you, Angela?

Angela: The best way to do that is to go to ReviveOurHearts.com/Ambassadors. If you look for an ambassador in your state, email her, and she will get connected to you and offer resources, encouragement. If you're looking for a Bible study to teach, she offers that. If you'd like to join our team, we are asking God, like I said, to raise up some ambassadors in the United States and Canada at this point. 

So if you have a passion for that, you can also go to that link, see some videos, and pray about joining our team. If you're in a season of life where you have extra time, you have a heart for the ministry, God has impacted you with this Ministry, please pray about it and reach out to our team. We would love to have hundreds of women serving with us. We have lots of states that don't have anybody. So please come join our team. 

Erin: Make it so Lord. Angela, thanks for sharing that with us. You've been a great good news correspondent. Thanks for the work you're doing with the ambassadors.

Angela: Thanks, friend.

Erin: All right, I'm gonna jump right into my conversation with Melissa. We're just gonna keep the hits a rollin’. Melissa Krueger is the vice president of discipleship programming at the Gospel Coalition. She's also an author. She's a Bible teacher, but I know what she'd say. I'm gonna give her a chance to say that her most important role is being a wife to Mike and a mom to three young adults. She's here as promised to help us parent or grandparent with hope whatever season you're in, apply it. Welcome back to Grounded.

Melissa Kruger: Hey, Erin. It's so good to be here.

Erin: All right, Melissa. Let's do it. Do tell me about your kids.

Melissa: I am so glad I get to tell you about them. I have three great kids. I have a daughter Emma, who's twenty-three. I have a son John, who's twenty. And I have a daughter Kate, who is seventeen. So, I've got one still with me, and I'm going to lock her up and make her stay. 

Erin: Yes, I feel that so deeply. My baby is six, but he's rude. He's growing all the time. I don't know how to stop him.

Melissa: I know. I tell her she's my favorite child because she stayed so far.

Erin: I like it. It's a good plan, a good way to frame it. Hey, why do you think the teenage years from a parenting perspective, why do you think they're so wrapped in, I don't know, doom. I can't think of a better word for it. Why do you think we look at them with so much anxiety and fear? 

Melissa: Yeah, I mean, it is the messaging that comes at us. Right? I can remember older moms saying things like little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. 

Erin: Yep. 

Melissa: I mean, these little kids are like a big problem. Sometimes they're having tantrums. Remember the middle of the grocery store? And you're like, “Huh, it's gonna be worse?” 

So, there's this passing on a fear of like, “Just wait, you just wait. It's only going to get tougher.” I mean, we kind of do this as moms. So, I'd like to inject a little bit of hope into the discussion because I've loved the teen years. I don't know about you. I mean, these have been great years. I think they can be really life giving. There's hard things about teen years, but there's hard things about toddler years too, hard things. 

Erin: Yeah, just in general, moms need to be in each other's corners a little bit more. I don't know why we're always kind of like, one-upping in that way. But I'm with you. I've loved the teenage years so far. Now, there are some unique challenges. Let's not gloss over that. What do you feel are some of the unique challenges of raising teenagers, particularly in this age in which we live? What are some of the challenges?

Melissa: Yeah, I think we are living in a lot of transition. I mean, we are genuinely living in the middle of basically an information revolution. Our teens have access to more information than any teenager has ever had access to in the history of the world. Normally I don't say big statements like that. But this one is true. 

I mean, in their little phone, they have a ton of information. They also have a ton of access. They have a ton of access to other people. Yeah. I used to say, “Oh, I want the same bike my neighbor has.” Well, now their neighborhood just got about 1,000 people bigger because of this little device. 

Erin: So true.

Melissa: So things like envy . . . You're looking over the fence and a lot more fences now. There's a lot to navigate, and we're all doing it for the first time. It's not like we get a lot of mess up attempts. Like, we're all parenting the first time, at the same time, our teen is being a teenager for the first time.

Erin: Man, I feel that I tell Eli, my oldest, all the time. “You're my petri dish, kid. It's all an experiment. I'm very sorry. I just don't know what I don't know. I have to learn some things on you.” So that's a real challenge. 

Melissa: Yeah, it is. 

Erin: All right. Every kid is different. Every family is different. As much as I would love for you to just like give me a checklist. I know what we really need are some principles. So, what are some biblical principles that guided you as you raised your own kids? 

Melissa: I think the basis of hope to me is what I call in the book, the basics of life, the basics of our family, which is the word prayer and church. Sometimes we gloss over these things when we're parenting. We want the secret, the magic bullet that's out there. I actually think the Bible gives us just faithful practices. They are not glossy and shiny, they are day to day. 

I need to be a mom who's in the Word. We so often want to get our teen in the Word, but I have to be in the Word and in the Word is amazing. It is not your local advice column. It's not a self-help manual. It is divine revelation. It's different. Don't listen to me. Don't read my book. Read the Bible is what I want to tell people. In the Bible we have access to divine revelation that's totally different than what the world has. 

We have access to divine help through prayer. We actually have someone who can change things. I can't change my kids’ heart. I can't make them make the team. I can't help them get a friend. God can, and we have that access. So, I mean, that's hopeful, right? We have divine wisdom, divine help. And we have God's people in the church. So, we are not alone.

I think for most teen moms, one of the hardest things is you cannot share your teens’ issues like you could the toddler ones. Yeah, we can all say, “They threw up all over the county.” We can share those toddler things. Can't do that with your teenager. It's not fair to them. It's their story. 

Sometimes you can feel really lonely, but in the people of the church, we have a family that we can go to and ask for prayer. It might not be as specific as we'd like. But we do have a community, and that community blesses our teens as well. I think there's three, I call them, foundations of parenting teens. They're really hopeful.

Erin: Yeah, I love that faithful practices can lead to faithfulness. I do think we want some new methodology. We want some guarantee. We want some strategy. Take us back to the Word and what's there that is so helpful. You mentioned prayer, let's drill down there for a minute. 

I gotta confess, I was telling you before we went live, having my first driver, it has unlocked this level of anxiety that I've never known before in my life. I’ve never been an anxious parent. I'm like the breezy parent in our marriage. And then I put my kid behind the wheel, and I am struggling to get beyond like, “Lord, just don't let him die in a car crash.” I am struggling to get beyond just terror prayers. So, how can we just definitely add layers to our prayers, and how does prayer impact our parenting?

Melissa: Yeah, you're nice. You're actually praying that he's safe. I was praying for myself, that I would be safe. 

Erin: Now, that he has his license, I'm not riding with him as much anymore. The permit stage was rough.

Melissa: I used to get in the car be like, “Oh, they're gonna kill me.” So, that was a good prayer. Erin, yours is better prayer. We thought we had control when they were two. We actually didn't. But we lived in this illusion of, “I'm in control of them.” The teen years just rip that apart. We realize, “I'm really not in control. I can't control where they go in that car, really.” You know we are so limited. It's actually a wake up call. If you have a two-year-old right now and you're listening, start praying now. 

Erin: Yes, yeah. 

Melissa: Because it's just an illusion, but the Lord is over all, and we can cry out to Him for help, and He hears us. It's one of the best things our kids can see us doing. As they see us being dependent upon God, they will learn that dependence because one day they're going to find out they're not in control over their life either. 

The example we set in the home is preaching a sermon, even when we don't think our words are getting through to them. They are watching how we live, and they see what we depend on. They see, “Oh, they really depend on money. They really depend on control.” They really depend on what they see our teen sees. And so if they can see us being women of the Word and women of prayer, it's going to leave an impression on them.

Erin: Oh, that's good and deeply convicting. I from little would say that I would pray with my kids. And now that my sons are getting older, I'll get a text. “Mom, can you pray for me? I got a math test today. Mom, can you pray for me this.” I'm like, “Ooh, those seeds are starting to sprout up. They're starting to realize that my mom will pray. And that that has efficacy in my life. So, love that reminder. 

Okay, I’ve heard you say something that I gotta be honest, it was deeply convicting to me. You said something like, “How does God want this season to change me? Rather than how do I get my team to do what I want them to do?” So how does God want to use raising teenagers to transform us do you think, or how is it used to transform you? 

Melissa: Yeah. Basically, the second part of the book, I talk about the battle. I say the battle is not what we might think, which is just to keep our kids out of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It is actually the idolatry in my own heart that rises to the surface. So, what I want for my children is showing me the idol in my heart. If it's not just give them Jesus, Lord, know you.

Often we want Jesus, and yeah, we got Jesus, and they have a lot of friends; Jesus, and they make the sports team. We care about Jesus, and they get into an Ivy League college. Whatever it might be, we add some things and when those things don't happen, our kids understand what we love. This is the scariest thing about being the parent of a teen. There's a verse in Kings, and it says, while they were worshiping the Lord, they were serving their idols, and the children and the grandchildren did likewise. 

Erin: Wow. 

Melissa: So yeah, we can act like we're worshiping the Lord, but we're really quietly serving our idols before our kids. And so, I think what I've realized is that this season of parenting is a time for me to be doing battle with my own idolatry. 

Erin: Yeah.

Melissa: Can I really open-handedly say, “Lord, take these children, do what you will with them, have them Lord, but may they just please know You.” Like I know that's a good longing. Whereas all my other stuff can be mired in. Yeah, the world and earthly success and all those things. But I've seen the Lord stripping me of those things and reminding me what's truly and utterly important?

Erin: It's such a good perspective shift. I mean, I've often said, I've heard mom say, “I was never angry until I had kids.” And it's like, “No, you were angry. You had murder in your heart. And the Lord used your kids to expose what really existed.” If you're listening, and when you think about raising your teenager, you're steeped in fear, or you're steeped in anger, or you're steeped in bitterness towards your child, listen to what Melissa’s saying, “Ask the Lord what idols need dealt with in your own life.” 

You know, we're hearing from so many parents of prodigals at Revive Our Hearts, and really everywhere I go . . . I think of the women's Bible study group that meets in my home weekly, lots of prodigals. In that group, I think of places where I go to teach hearing from lots of moms or prodigals. They're typically young adults, parents of young adults, but that can start in the teen years. 

So, I want that hope infusion again. We said at the top of the episode that it's possible to pass on a legacy of faithfulness in this era. This is an information revolution. You mentioned a spiritual revolution, a sexual revolution, lots of things happening, that are not going the way God's people want them to go. In this era, is it possible to raise kids who walk faithfully with Jesus?

Melissa: Yeah, that's such a good question. And just to that parent who's dealing with a prodigal teen, a prodigal young twenty-something, whatever. I do think we can be hopeful because here's the thing: the ways of the world will not satisfy just like that. You know, the prodigal child found himself eating in the pigsty. Yeah, I mean, there are kids who may have to go through that before they realize the benefits of the home life of a Christian and the blessings of it. But what I am extremely hopeful about is that God's Word is true, and His ways are better. 

So, while our kids may run after what the world is trying to give them, it's just false hope, everything the world is promising them. It's just glittery, but it's not real. And so, we have something real. I think when we are in those waiting seasons, we can still be hopeful because the Lord can still save hearts. We were all once dead in our trespasses and sins, and He made us alive. So, the hope is not that we do everything right, that we're the best parents even. The hope is that the Spirit can take a dead heart and make it alive. That's our hope. 

Erin: Amen. All right, one last question, I want you to get practical. I'm finding that as my kids get older, I have probably a central tendency to want to kick it into neutral a little bit. I no longer have to manage every bite they put in their mouth, or every time they go body, or their sleep schedule. I want us to really have to manage every detail. And there's a part of me that just kind of wants to be like, I'm through it, through the hard part. What are some practical ways that you stay engaged with your kids as they've been teenagers? And now young adults? 

Melissa: Yeah. I think we have to remain available. It is so easy to check out. You're like, “Oh, you're making your lunch box.” You're doing all these things. And honestly, availability is sometimes best at 10:30 p.m. at night. 

Erin: It’s true. And then I'm drooling on the couch, I'm gonna be honest. They’re gonna have this great conversation. I'm like, “Oh, Lord, help me stay awake. I'm tired.”

Melissa: Yeah. So, death to self when I had a teething infant was you're up in the middle of night holding them. Yeah, it’s with a teenager when you stay up an hour past when you’d really love to be a bed so that you can have those conversations that were available and you’re interested. I think one of the biggest things too is that we're listening. I mean, God's Word tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. I think that's really true with our teenagers. 

So practically, that we're available does this: I know what I think about things. I don't actually know what my teenager thinks about things, and I’m never going to be able to meet them well if I'm not actively listening to them. So, taking the time to be available when they're ready to talk, and that is being flexible. Again, that's a season. It feels like they're too self-absorbed, but it's a season where we need to be available for them—just like we were with our young infant. In some ways, a lot of teen years and toddler years have some similarities. 

Erin: They definitely do. If you’re in the toddler years, let me tell you that eventually they do sleep. That baby does sleep because my teenagers sleep and sleep and sleep. Yeah, I'm finding the need to keep my schedule clearer than I want to. I'm ready to take the exercise classes again, take the trips with my friends, and those kinds of things, but my kids still need a very high level of availability. So I love that you framed it as death to self. Well, Melissa, I could talk parenting teenagers with you all day. But we'll have to finish this conversation another time. We're gonna point people to your book. Give us the name of it again,

Melissa: It is Parenting with Hope: Raising Teens for Christ in a Secular Age. 

Erin: Love it. It's got like the sunrise on the cove, like a subtle sunrise. I just love it. It's like rays of hope when we think about parenting our teenagers. Here's a fun little PS. Melissa, you are going to be at our True Woman ’25 Conference in October of 2025. Any thoughts on that?

Melissa: I'm so excited. I can't wait. It's gonna be really fun, I know. I don't want to talk about what we're doing, but I'm excited.

Erin: Yeah, we can. We can let it out. We can tell him we're doing a preconference. Melissa's gonna lead a preconference on studying and teaching God's Word. I know Grounded sisters, that's something near and dear to your heart. So those dates are October 2–4 of 2025. You may not have them on your calendar yet. We just announced them. We know we haven't had a conference in a while. 

Melissa is going to be there. I'm going to be there. Portia is going too. Dannah is gonna be there. Nancy is gonna be there. You need to be there. So okay, I hope I see you before then Melissa, but I'm here to be with you at True Woman ’25. Thanks again for being with us.

Melissa: Great to see you this morning. 

Erin: Alright, Portia. I hope we have you back. Do we have you back? I don't know what's happened to you. 

Portia: I’m back. testing, testing. 

Erin: Oh, man. 

Portia: You know, it's a Monday morning.

Erin: It’s Monday all day. 

Portia: Yes, yes. But I think I'm back hopefully. It got a little warm in here. I’ve got a fan going to keep my equipment, cool. 

Erin: Jesus, make it work. 

Portia: I was able to catch your interview with Melissa, and it was great. And y'all heard Melissa say it. God wants to use your years of parenting teenagers to change you. Amen. And so as much as He wants to use them to shape your teenager, He wants you to learn. Okay, I can't say it enough. There's a lot that our teenagers, our children need to learn. But there's a lot that we need to learn. We need to let go of those idols. He wants us to live more fully surrendered to Him. And so, I want you to check out this short clip from our friend Shannon Popkin about the difference between holding parenting and folding parenting. This is good, let's watch.

Shannon Popkin: So parenting is tricky, because good parents, good moms have control over their children. I read this book by Tim Sanford called Losing Control and Liking It. And in the book, he divides all of life into two categories. The line is what I can control. And on this side of the line is what I cannot control. So, what goes in this category? 

Me, I can control me ultimately—my attitudes, my actions, my responses, and everything else slides into that other category. And so Dr. Sanford suggests hold and fold as a response. 

I should hold responsibility for myself, and I should fold my hands in surrender to God with the things that I cannot control. So what about parenting, though? I like to say that when our children come to us as newborns were completely holding. We are completely in control of what they wear, what they eat, their environments. By the time they are eighteen years old and they're an adult, we're completely folding. We're completely surrendering to God. Our job is pretty much done. We're still heavily influencing, but we're surrendering to God. Controlling moms do exactly the opposite. We tend to want to control the things we can't control. We lose control of ourselves, usually in anger or anxiety or fear. But parenting is consistently moving from hold to fold in all of the different little categories of life. 

So, I like to say to young moms, when your child is small enough to climb up into your lap, you're mostly holding, but when they're too big to sit in your lap anymore, you're mostly folding. You're moving from having complete control over your child to that job of surrendering control to the Lord. It's a process, right? 

It's different for different kids, different kids are ready to take control of their wardrobe or their food choices at different ages. As moms, we need so much wisdom to know when to hold control and when to fold and surrender our kids back to God. 

If you think of a child's whole lifetime, like I have a daughter who's nineteen years old. And so, I'm working really hard on the folding. And the Lord is using parenting to teach me that. But when she's seventy years old, I'll be ninety-six years-old, hopefully I'll still be ninety-six years-old. 

So, if you think about our entire lives where we're living parallel to each other, so much more time in her lifetime will be spent with me surrendering control to God than holding control over her—probably the first five or six years. That's when I'm mostly holding, and the rest is a process of surrendering. I think God uses parenting more than anything else that I know of to train us in this art of surrendering to Him.

Erin: You thought you were gonna come to Grounded and get a manual for raising teenagers. What we all got is a heart check of living surrendered to the Lord in every season. 

Well, it's time to get grounded in God's Word. Part of what we do here on Grounded is we want to help you think biblically about everything, including raising a teenager. So, let's start with this thought. The teenage years are a social construct, not necessarily a biblical one. 

Listen to Paul's words to young Timothy, they're found in 1 Timothy 4:12–16. I'll go ahead and read them to you while you're turning there. Paul wrote, 

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers. 

I mean, these are strong words. This is a commissioning that Paul is doing here for Timothy. And of course, the Spirit preserved it for us. Timothy was young. Bible scholars believe that he was just a teenager, when he surrendered his life to Jesus and became a part of Paul's ministry team. And even here as Paul's writing these words, he's still a young man. 

First Timothy 1:2 tells us that he was a true child of God. That's how Paul described his young protege. That was what qualified Timothy to do kingdom work. It wasn't his age; it wasn't his experience. It wasn't even his knowledge of Scripture. He had surrendered his life to Jesus. And when we surrender our lives to Jesus, we become a part of the calling of telling other people about Him. 

So even though Timothy was young, he stepped into that calling. He surrendered his life to the Lord. And then he got busy doing the Lord's work. We don't have the full story. We don't have the full timeline here. But it seems like it was immediate. He came to Christ, and then he got busy doing work for Jesus. 

And when Paul wrote this letter to Timothy, he said, right here, don't let anyone despise you for your youth. Maybe you're thinking, I don't despise the young people in my life. But as we've been talking about it, there is this whole cultural narrative about how nightmarish the teen years are as if it's some predetermined conclusion.

Maybe you're thinking, Well, I don't despise them. But as a culture, we sure look down on them. And maybe that seeped into your heart and mind more than you realize. Do you look down on the teenagers in your world? Do you dismiss them? Do you expect very little of them? 

According to Paul, the young followers of Jesus aren't just coasting along on our coattails. In fact, they can set the bar he gave Timothy—a list of ways that Timothy should set the bar set. An example is the word he used for other believers. He said, set the bar, set an example for other believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity. 

Let's talk about a paradigm shift. Do any of us believe that our teenagers can be setting the bar for us in these areas? 

Well, according to Scripture, we should. Then he gave him these other things that he should be doing as a young follower of Jesus, and a young minister. He's supposed to publicly read Scripture. You know what we do more often? We relegate our teenagers to their own room in the church, and we maybe give them opportunities to do something publicly once they're older. 

Well, that is not a biblical model. He told Timothy that he should set the example in exhorting other believers. What would you do? If a fifteen-year-old follower of Jesus came up to you today with an exhortation? Would you listen? Would you give them the space? Would you receive it? Or again, or would you be dismissive? 

According to the text right here in 1 Timothy, young believers can teach the word. They have gifts. And we know from 1 Peter that the purpose of the gifts is the edification of the body. 

So, are you benefiting from the gifts of the young people in your world? Or, again, have you set them aside because those gifts are under development? If you think that's true, then we'd have a misunderstanding of gifts, because gifts are given to us by the Spirit for the good of the body. They're not something we earn through training. 

Our young people can be persistent in their pursuit of Jesus. He didn't say to Timothy, “You're going to rebel, but then come back to the Lord.” He said, “Persist in this. For by so doing you will say both yourself and your hearers.” Is that what we expect of the young people in our room? Or do we expect them to be phone addicted? Do we expect them to be anxious? Do we expect them to be disrespectful? Do we expect them to be moody? Do we expect them to be uninterested in the things that really matter? 

As Paul raises the bar and encourages Timothy to do the same, I'm going to encourage us to raise the bar and expect our teenagers to do the same. I was thinking about this this morning. I was reminded, Portia said she remembers her teenage years. I remember mine too. And though I certainly did make mistakes, and I make mistakes in my forties. I came to Christ at the age of fifteen because someone invited me to attend a camp and I went. Very soon after, I mean, very soon after a woman and my church sought me out as a new believer and asked me, “Do you want to do a Bible study?” 

Well, I've never done a Bible study before. I didn't really know what it was. I couldn't find anything in the Bible. But I said yes. And she didn't just give me some fluffy Bible study that was all about me. She chose a rich, deep, twelve-week Bible study that had me understanding things I'd never understood before. She threw me into the deep, into the pool, spiritually speaking, and it transformed my whole life. 

You know who that woman was? Dannah Gresh. She was in her thirties. I was just fifteen. She handed me a Bible and encouraged me to open it for myself. Look at us all these years later. Dannah will be back soon to Grounded. All these years later we're serving Jesus side by side. I'm so grateful that she didn't dismiss me because I was a young follower of Jesus. 

So let me leave you with this. How can you expect more from the teenagers in your life? Now? I'm not talking about piling on worldly expectations. They have plenty of that. I'm talking about how can you expect more according to God's Word? And what can you learn from their example? Their passion for Jesus is real. Their hunger to make a difference is real. Their connection to other believers, they're much better at connecting to other believers than we are in general. That's real. Their witness to a lost world is real. 

So, let's be a cloud of witnesses, Grounded sisters, that do not roll our eyes at the teenagers in our midst anymore. But that cheer them on as they seek to live for Jesus. They can do it. Let's cheer for them as they do it. Let's expect more. Portia, I'm going to talk to you. Oh, your dog. I think he was amen-ing. 

Portia: Clearly, clearly. He was quiet the whole time and get to the end and wanted to let out a bark. 

Erin: He didn’t want to be let out of the participation. 

Portia: Yeah, just don't pay attention to him back there. Listen, one way you can have a big influence on your teenager and their friends is by opening your home to them. 

We wanted to remind you today that Revive Our Hearts has a brand-new Bible study. It just released, and it's called, You're Welcome Here: Embracing the Heart of Hospitality. It's a six-week study, and it's gonna show you just how much influence you can have through your home. And so, if you don't already have your copy, we don't want you to miss out. I'm here to bring you the good stuff. We will send you this study when you give a gift of any amount to Revive Our Hearts this month. 

One thing that I really really love about this study, I mean this study in and of itself is great, but there's also a new video series that accompanies this study. It's hosted by our girl Erin Davis and two episodes have already dropped. The new episode drops tomorrow. We're gonna drop a link for you to check those out in the episode notes in the chat. You can view it on the Revive Our Hearts’ YouTube page. 

By the way, I got a little bit more of a sprinkle of good stuff to add in on top of this. We love to bring you the good stuff. I wanted to let you know that at Revive Our Hearts, we are having our Spring Sale that is happening right now. If you need a Mother's Day gift or Father's Day, we've got you covered. If you need gifts for graduates or weddings, we've got you covered there too. All of this is available at deep discounts. We're gonna drop the link for you to check it out in episode notes and in the chat. That was a lot of good stuff. I hope you are happy. 

Erin: I think your pup was just excited because he knew you're gonna say new Bible study. He knew you were gonna say new video series. The new video dropping tomorrow, by the way, features a Revive Our Hearts ambassador that you're gonna love. And then he knew your spring sale. So, he was just like, (barking). That was my dog bark

Portia: He was just hyping it up. I'm ready. 

Erin: All right, we promised we would announce the winners of our biggest ever Grounded giveaway. And so that time has come. Let me get back so the Grounded drumroll doesn’t blast out your ears. But here they are. Our social media team will get in touch with you if you hear your name, but this is exciting: 

Jenica Harshberger from Pennsylvania congrats.
Michelle Dara from Texas.
Debbie Beerfelts from New York.
Janet Bonnell from Ohio.
Carol Hagendoor from Minnesota.
Tracy Sumner from Maryland. 

So, lift me up Pennsylvania, Texas, New York, Ohio, Minnesota, and Maryland all represented in that giveaway. So congrats, ladies, you're getting some of Portia and my favorite books.

Portia: Exciting! 

Erin: As we wrap up this episode, we've had a lot of good comments, and I was going to take us there. But I got this text to see if I can show it from our friend Joy McClain, who leads the Grounded underground. We were praying for this sweet baby two weeks ago. She had a major brain surgery, and God was gracious. He brought her through. Joy says, “Please thank the Grounded of family for praying for our darling Leila. She's doing so well. We praise God for sparing her life and for the faithful saints who stood in the gap and held up our arms.” 

And so a future teenager there, but you're praying matters. God cared for her little brain and her little skull, and she's doing well. And so, Joy wanted to let you know. That feels like a good punctuation point for this episode. So thankful! 

Portia: Yes, indeed.I just wanted to grab a comment from a few people. Cynthia said this, and I loved it, “I want my children to know that nothing satisfies like a relationship with Jesus.” 

Erin: Amen.

Portia: Amen. 

And Janelle said this. “This is so good. I have a twenty-two year-old, a twenty year-old, eighteen year-old, and eleven year-old. I can't believe how fast those teenage years went by. God definitely uses those years to change us. It's crazy to see the idols in your own heart.” 

Yeah. So yeah, I think mission accomplished today. 

Erin: Yeah.

Portia: We've really been challenged to not just look at our kiddos, but to look in our own heart. 

Erin: I feel what we promised that we just hope that God can use us and change us and use our teenagers and change them, and so that's a great message for today.

Portia: Amen. Next week we are going to look at the whole Bible. You know, I get excited about this. Yes, you heard that right. From garden to glory, we're going to find out how the big picture of Scripture impacts our faith.

Erin: I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it. So, let's wake up with hope together next week on Grounded.

Grounded is a listener supported production of Revive Our Hearts, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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