Thriving Through Christmas as a Single Woman, with Jenilyn Swett and Heather Cofer

If you’re dreading the Christmas season this year because you know someone is going to ask about your relationship status, then this episode of Grounded is for you. Whether you’re single or married or somewhere in between, you’ll find hope and perspective from guests Jenilyn Swett and Heather Cofer in this episode of Grounded. 

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Episode Notes

“Single, But Not Alone” blog post by Jenilyn Swett

Singleness book by Jenilyn Swett 

“God Is Enough to Satisfy Your Deepest Longings” video  

“Colleen Chao’s Season of Singleness” podcast series

“Seeking God's Glory through Singleness” podcast series 

“Practical Counsel on Singleness” podcast series  

Singled Out for Him booklet by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

You Can Trust God to Write Your Story book by Robert Wolgemuth and Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

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Portia Collins: If you are dreading the holiday season this year because you know someone is going to ask you, “Is there someone special in your life?” Or because you'll be trimming the tree alone? Or because all you really want for Christmas is someone to share this season with. This episode of Grounded is just for you. I’m Portia Collins.

Erin Davis: I'm Erin Davis, and we are women on a mission, and that mission is to give you hope and perspective. That's a mission for all women, regardless of your relationship status today.

Portia: Absolutely. And you know, confession, all of us Grounded hosts, we are married.

Erin: That’s true.

Portia: Y'all know that. But we often hear from women who are single, divorced, widowed, separated . . . nd probably every relationship status in-between, and we want you to know this. We see you. The hope of Christmas is for you. Okay, not just for the married folks, but for you, too.

Erin: Man, that is so true. Several months ago, as we began thinking about what we wanted December to look like on Grounded, we tried to pick up this holiday season and look at it from every angle: who needs perspective? We all do. 

I want you to picture a Norman Rockwell Christmas. I don't know what image comes to mind for you. Here's just a few to get you started. 

Now, Norman Rockwell is famous in that his paintings didn't always portray things as perfect. And we all know, Christmases rarely turn out perfectly—married or not. But most of Norman Rockwell's paintings featured people who were married or at least coupled. 

So, what does this season look like if you're brokenhearted? If you're lonely? What does it look like if you're coming into Christmas even a little jaded about all this family relationship couple-hood stuff? Those are really good questions to ask.

Portia: Alright, confession number two. I’m so glad that . . .

Erin: Okay, it’s a confession episode, I like it. 

I'm so glad that I like it. Is it I'm so glad that you gave that little backdrop on Norman Rockwell, because I totally did not know that. 

Erin: You didn't know who Norman Rockwell was? 

Portia: No. Apparently, I've been living under a rock.

Erin: Well, he’s not been painting for a long time. So glad we could educate you.

Portia: Thank you. Well, we've got two guests today and they are going to help us find that hope and perspective. We have Jenilyn Swett, and she serves as the Director of young adult ministries at her church in St. Louis. She says it's possible to be single but not alone.

Erin: You know what? It's also true to be married and feel very alone. So, this isn't just about whether there's a ring on your left hand or not; we're gonna go deeper than that. Heather Cofer is also here, she's a part of the Grounded prayer team, which if I haven't told you about them before, now's the time. They pray faithfully week after week for you. When you drop prayer requests in the comments, don't fear that that just goes into cyberspace, they actually collect those, and they pray fervently. Heather's a part of that team. 

She and I had coffee at True Woman ‘22. On that coffee day, I discovered that Heather has a deep passion for coming alongside single women. It's the kind of passion that's contagious; she had me thinking about things that I haven't thought about before. 

As a married woman, it gave me so much to consider about how I roll out the welcome mat, or don't as the case may be, for my single sisters in Christ. 

So single or married, there's something in this episode for each of you, which is my cue to say you know what to do. You got to share it, we brought the great guests, we're gonna bring God's Word we count on you to spread the word. So, who do you know that needs to hear this episode today? Hit that share button texted to them. You got to share this episode. But you know, it's not Grounded without two things: Dannah and good news. We're gonna combine those in the next segment. Hey, Dannah, how you doing?

Dannah Gresh: I'm doing well. I'm excited. I can't wait to open up the Bible. I'm going to share. I'm gonna help us get grounded in God's Word today. And I'm telling you, I wrote it in prayer for my single sisters. But this married woman's heart was deeply convicted by what I'm about to share with you in a few minutes.

But first, the good news. I gotta say that I'm bringing you some good news from the archives as in way back. Like before microfiche, even. This is going back in the history files whenI was a single woman. And the reality is, either myself or Bob will one day again be single. We spend a lot of our time on this earth single. So, we've got to be prepared to live those days, weeks, months, and years. Well, and somebody who helped me do that as the woman, I'm going to introduce to you today at least when I was single, back in the day.

It's not easy. There are days of sadness when you're single, especially if you're a mom. And I know we have single moms who sometimes are joining us on Grounded. Such was the life of Amy Carmichael, a single missionary living in India. She discovered that some of the families she was ministering to were selling their daughters to the temple, a life of sexual slavery lie ahead for those sweet little girls. 

But one of them had met Amy. She had found some sort of hope in Amy. So when she was sold, she ran away. She ran to Amy Carmichael for help. From that day on, Amy was a single mother. Sometimes she had as many as 50 children to feed and care for. She knew all too well the burden of making decisions alone and feeding mouths alone. But not really, because Amy knew those children had a wonderful heavenly Father. She taught them to go to Him for their needs. 

Now, this became especially important through the First World War, when great hardship and uncertainty made feeding those children difficult. But to Amy, it wasn't a difficulty. It was an opportunity. Here's a diary entry she wrote on October, the day, the 26th day of October 1915:

Had children in the field weeding, told them of the need for money. It was a new idea to them, explained a little to older girls about our way of working and what it involved a careful sensitivities towards God. Finally got them and all to the point of willingness to give today to weeding. It was a festival day. It was a special day, but they were going to work through it so that they could feed each other. The girls were splendid over it. Children were very sweet and good. Inwardly prayed for a quick assurance from our Father that He was pleased. It would be like Him to do this. 

Now, of course this was 1915. So, her words . . . you have to kind of see the context. She was showing them that they need to depend on the Father, but they needed to work willingly with their hands. And she had those children praying. While they were working, she was praying that the Father would answer those prayers so they could see that they did have a heavenly Father. Here's what she wrote the next day, October 27, 1915. 

Mail in today and $50 from a friend of Irene Streeter. The soldier’s brother’s money left to her $50. Let her take up the field where children were still waiting. We all praise God standing in the shadow of the cactus hedge. There was other money too. More than one mail has come for many months. We all much cheered too. 

The Lord answered their prayers. No, it's not easy being single, whether you have mouths to feed, or it's just you. But if you pray to your heavenly Father, you're never alone, and that is very good news.

Erin: I know you love Amy Carmichael. I've heard you talk about her many times, Dannah, but I had never heard those journal entries. That is the journal of a single mom. She can't even write in complete sentences. 

Dannah: No.

Erin: But we get the big idea. 

Dannah: Single mom of fifty!

Erin: That’s right. Yeah, but I do have to say if Portia didn't know who Norman Rockwell was, she definitely didn't know what microfiche is. So, you want to enlighten us? 

Dannah: I know. It takes a library geek to know microfiche. You are right, Erin. We love when newspapers were on film and you could put them in a machine and read the newspapers. But I think in 1915, I don't know if they had microfiche back then, probably not. 

Erin: I don't know either. But God was working in 1915. He's working in 2022. So that's what matters. I love that good news segment. We're starting to get grounded with God's people. Jenilyn Swett serves as the Director of Adult Ministries at Restoration Community Church. She's passionate about hospitality and spiritual formation, which is why I know this is going to be a rich conversation. She's written a book titled Singleness: Living Faithfully. So no matter who you are, what your marriage status is, living faithfully is the call on your life. Welcome to Grounded Jenilyn.

Jenilyn Swett: Thank you. I'm so glad to be here.

Erin: I want to start with a little story you wrote about on Journey Women, which is what got us interested in having you as a guest. You had a four-year-old little friend, and he asked this question to his mama. “Mom, is Miss Jenilyn all alone?” Why do you think that question was on his little heart that day?

Jenilyn: I think he comes from a family with lots of siblings, and a mom and a dad. And I think for him, and for lots of other kids I've known in my life, my life doesn't quite make sense to them. They see me showing up to church by myself; they see me going home by myself. They're used to a house full of people. And so, they're always kind of trying to make sense of my lif because it looks so different from their worlds for the most part.

Erin: Yeah, I think about that a lot with a woman in my life, who's 92. She's my husband's grandma and is widowed. She lives nearby. We see her a lot. But I'll frequently find myself as I'm at the table with my four kids and husband wondering what dinner looks like for her. Or as I'm getting ready for bed and it's loud, it's chaotic. What's getting ready for bed look like for her?

She was married for a very long time. But she’s found herself single in this later stage. I was careful not to put single in your intro because then it automatically becomes a label. Has single felt like a label to you?

Jenilyn: It has certainly at times. I usually don't introduce myself that way. But the more I talk about my life, the more I realize, oh, I might have to mention that at some point. I was talking to another woman in ministry, and she was asking for advice. She's married. I realized I gave her all this advice, and none of it had to do with her marriage, because I didn't have anything to speak from. And I said, oh, by the way, I'm single, which she didn't know, because we hadn't met, and she hadn't seen my empty ring finger or anything like that. So, sometimes it's an important part of the context. But it is not something that I see as defining me or a primary part of my identity.

Erin: I love that you've given your life to sharing God's Word with adults, not just single adults, young adults, who are some of them are getting married. Some of them are newly married. Some of them are single, but what you're offering is God's Word. And that applies across the board. 

I think the last time I was single, I might have been three. I started having boyfriends in preschool. I got engaged at 18. I got married at 21. So, I don't pretend to understand what it's like to be a single adult. Help me; what are some of the unique challenges you face? Especially as we're so close to Christmas?

Jenilyn: Yeah, there's just a lot that we do and bear alone. When it comes to decorating my apartment, am I going to decorate it just for me? Is it worth that? Is it worth the effort? Does it matter to do it if it's just for me? You know, what does that look like? 

There are decisions that we make. I think that's probably one of the biggest challenges of singleness, having to make important life decisions alone. Even if I have friends and people in my community and family members who are speaking into those decisions, ultimately, at the end of the day, I'm the one who bears the weight of that decision. They're not implicated in the same way that a spouse would be. And those are real challenges. 

And just a lot of time alone. It can be a joy, but it can also be really isolating. And in communities where there are a lot of married folks, a lot of families with children, to be single and also childless can bring a sense of loss or just feeling like a little bit of a misfit, and wondering how we fit. Where's our seat at this table that seems full of couples and happy families a lot of the time. 

Erin: That’s actually some of the feedback we've received about Grounded is that we can be a little bit parenting heavy, a little bit married heavy, because that's just where all of the hosts are. 

Jenilyn: Sure. 

Erin: But we definitely want to speak to the whole church. I read something in the description for your book that stopped my scroll right there. And you wrote that “singleness is not a problem or a waiting period.” which I think feels pretty counter-cultural. Even as I was preparing for this episode, I kept wanting to think about it in terms of it like what do you do in the wait? What do you do until you get married? So from a biblical lens, what is single fitness then if it's not a problem, or a waiting period?

Jenilyn: It's a great question. And it's one that it's a question that I've been thinking through and wrestling with, because for a long time, I did think of it as a waiting period. But then as the wait kept getting longer, and as I got into my 30s, and now I'm in my 40s, it can't just be about waiting.

So, it really is something that I have come to think of as the place where God has me, not necessarily a season because it doesn't have an end date, but a place where I am living. And you know, Scripture talks about God dwelling in the land, about having pleasant lines falling for me in pleasant places. And I think that's really been my challenge to myself is to think about how can I see singleness as a pleasant place, even though it's not the place I would have chosen. But it is the place where God has me. 

And thinking about it as a place where I live, has helped me to think a little bit differently about it than putting some kind of timeframe on it or waiting for you talked about the expiration date of your milk earlier when we were chatting, waiting for the expiration date on singleness, because there is no guarantee that there's going to be one until we get to the wedding feast of the Lamb and heaven.

Erin: That's such a beautiful surrendered place to be. As you're talking, I was kind of picturing it like the house that the Lord built for you. And the place that I'm living right now is caring for a terminally ill parent. I wouldn't have chosen that. But it's not a season. It's just the house that the Lord has placed me in for now. And He's good, and it's good. So, I think that imagery is so beautiful. 

Speaking of beautiful, you're a gifted writer. I don't say that to everybody, because I'm a writer, editor. You are, and you wrote a beautiful blog post for Journey Women, we're going to drop the link for that. But in it, you answered your little buddy’s question about you being alone and the hope that comes from being a follower of Jesus. So how does being a Christian insulate you from being or feeling totally alone?

Jenilyn: Part of my answer to my little friend is that he is part of why I'm not alone. I have brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews in Christ. The church is my spiritual family and that is something that I take really seriously. 

I know that that is not something that everyone has experienced. I know that there can be a lot of pain in the church and a lot of hurt there. I have been very fortunate to have wonderful people around me in the church who are very tangible reminders that I am not alone. 

But there is also the constant presence of Emmanuel, God with us, that Jesus who Himself was a single man, and is Himself waiting for a wedding. Even right now He is with me, and knows. 

So, in those times when I really am physically all alone, and even feeling emotionally alone. I can remember that God is with me, that Jesus, the Holy Spirit is with me in that, and so I am not alone.

Erin: I'm gonna come back to Emmanuel in just a second because that's so important. But before we drill there, I want you to just speak to the woman on the other side of the camera. She loves Jesus. She understands the gospel. She reads her Bible. She serves at her church. She's gonna wake up Christmas morning with an ache that another year is coming to an end, another year's beginning, and it does seem like a season without end. What if she was sitting with you in your church in your office as you minister to young adults? What hope would you offer her?

Jenilyn: Yeah, first of all, I would say that ache is real. We are not meant to be alone. And that doesn't necessarily mean that we are all meant to be married. But we are meant for relationship; we are meant for intimacy and people who know us and love us fully. 

And so, I would just acknowledge that yeah, it hurts. And when we feel that ache so keenly, we don't have to put on a happy face. The Psalms give us lots of room to lament and to weep and to cry and to bring that pain to the Lord. And so that would be the first thing that I would say. 

But then I would also say, you're not alone. Look around. First of all, know that there are plenty of other women and men waking up alone this morning. Or even if it's feeling alone in a marriage, there are many others who share that ache. It's just often hidden and invisible. But there are many others who love you and care about you and want to be with you in it as best they can. 

But then, there is also Jesus, who knows that ache of loneliness and that ache of being let down by others. Being misunderstood, feeling unseen, Jesus knows that ache very well and wants to tend to it and care for it.

Erin: Let's talk about Jesus, Emmanuel. The older I get, the more that Emmanuel, God with us, means to me. At Christmas, we celebrate it. We say that name of His more often. How are you experiencing Emmanuel, God with you? How are you experiencing His presence right now in this season?

Jenilyn: Yeah, I think this is a season where, at least today, I'm feeling some joy. And that's something I'm really thankful for. Because I know that that is something that only comes from the Lord. He is enabling me to see all that He's provided for me, the people that He has around me, the friends that come to help me decorate my Christmas tree, and the people who invite me into their homes and into their families during the holiday season. That's something I'm really thankful for. 

And so, I'm experiencing His presence, through the presence of the others that He has given me. But also, really remembering that this is a season of longing, and a season where we're reminded that we are all waiting. We remember that Jesus came, but we're waiting for Him to come again. There's something that is really good and really strengthening about that reminder that we are all waiting, and that Jesus is waiting with us to be reunited with His people.

Erin: Amen. I thought of that several times in this Advent season, that it's a sweet season. Yes, there are tidings of comfort and joy, but as the brass tacks, Advent is acknowledging our wait, that we are waiting for the King to come back for us and to have that marriage feast of the Lamb. So, you've pointed us right to Him in this whole interview. Thanks so much for being on Grounded, Jenilyn.

Jenilyn: You're welcome. Thanks for the great work that you're doing.

Erin: We're going to drop a link to that blog post I mentioned from Journey Woman, we're also going to drop a link to Jenilyn’s book on singleness. You’ve still got time to order that thing and give it to a single woman that you love maybe for Christmas, or just to let her know that you're thinking about her. Such an insightful interview; I'll be thinking about it for several days. 

Well, there's one thing that's true of us as women, regardless of where we spend Christmas morning or who we spend it with. We tend to look to something or someone other than God to meet that deep longing inside of us. Here's a short teaching for Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth on that.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: One woman wrote and said to me, “Some girlfriends and I are reading through Lies Women Believe, the one lie we've also come to is: God isn't really enough. We're all single women who longed to be married. We tend to think that God isn't enough until we have a husband, or until we have that job, or until our health is perfect. This thinking she said has left us unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and just plain old, exhausted.” 

I wonder if you might be just plain old exhausted today? Unsatisfied, unfulfilled, contending, maybe with another woman competing, comparing, discontented, because God isn't enough for you. It's a lie you've believed. And ultimately, these stories and others in Scripture are intended to point us to Christ, whose love and acceptance alone can make us secure and satisfy our deepest needs and longings.

Portia: How's that for some wisdom, not just for single sisters, but for the married folk. Speaking of married folk, my sweet friend, Heather Cofer, is with us today. She is a wife, a mama, and an author. I can't wait for you guys to hear the wonderful wisdom that she shares on how those of us who are married can come alongside our single sisters during the holiday season and beyond. So welcome, Heather.

Heather Cofer: Thank you so much for having me. It’s a joy.

Portia: Good to see your face, friend. 

Heather: You, too. 

Portia: Well, you know, I love that you are a married woman who has such a huge heart for loving and serving our single sisters. Can you share how God has presented opportunities for you to connect and come alongside single sisters in Christ in your particular community?

Heather: Yes, so about eight years ago, we started sharing our home with three single women. It was birthed out of necessity, because we needed a little bit of help with rent. I was nervous about it at first, because I knew as a young mom, I was getting ready to welcome my second child. Doing close life like that with others was going to put me in a position of vulnerability in a lot of ways. 

But what I did not know was that the Lord was giving this incredible gift of life with these women who, in some ways, because they were peers, they were in similar seasons. But in other ways different because they were single. But it put me into that position with them has been one of the most life-giving experiences of my adult life. 

So since then, in the past eight years, we've shared our home with other single women, as a lot of those women have gotten married. It's been 17 women who have shared our home with us since then.

Portia: Wow. You know, I really love what you just said, how you acknowledged your vulnerability, but you didn't let that limit you in serving and connecting with single sisters. I think that that's a huge fear for many married women. 

And I love that you're open and honest about that. And you're talking to us today about how to work through that. So that brings me to my next question, what does it really mean to do life on life with our single sisters. I know that many of us married women, we verbally affirm the need to support those single people who are in the body of Christ, to be there, to see them. But you know, practically, many of us don't understand how to truly live that out. 

So, can you share a little bit of your experience? What does it really mean to do life on life with our single sisters?

Heather: Yeah, that's a great question. I think it first starts with each of us asking, “Lord, how do You want me to support the single women in my life?” It's going to look different for everyone, not everyone is going to share their home with 17 single women. But we all have the ability as sisters in Christ, to come alongside them to do all of those one another passages like we find in Scripture—exhorting one another, encouraging one another, with those who God has placed around us. So, we just first need to be aware of what God has for us. 

And then we need to be obedient. We take those steps in faith, to love and encourage and really cheer on those women who God has allowed and even ordained to be single at this time in their life. And to say, “This is good. God has a plan and a purpose for you and your life is needed in my life. Your input is valuable, and uplifting to me as a married woman.” So, I think it's, it starts there.

Portia: I agree. You know, I want to ask, how has God blessed specifically through doing life with single sisters?

Heather: Well, one thing about having women in our home is that it has protected me from a lot of isolation that comes from being a mom of little ones. These women have loved me so well, from being willing to drop everything to watch my kids, if I have to take one of them to the doctor, my husband's out of town, even giving input on difficult situations. They have had so much wisdom to offer from a different perspective, sometimes, because they're not in the same stage of life as I am. 

And then just seeing the ways that they can minister outside the home in different ways than I can, because they don't have the practical responsibilities of being a wife and a mom. And so that has blessed me because they are filling shoes that I cannot practically fill in this time of my life. That has been incredible to see the obedience of those women who are just seeking to honor the Lord in the stage of life that they're in. 

Portia: That is so precious, that is precious. And truth be told, I haven't heard a lot of like stories or experiences like this. But this is such an encouragement to me, and honestly, an eye opener. 

I’d really like to end our time together today with prayer. Specifically, I want to pray . . . I know somebody's gonna say, “Pray for the single sisters.” No, I want to pray specifically for our married sisters, that we will seek God on ways to truly love and support single sisters in our respective communities. 

I know personally that there have been many times when I've especially . . . I've only been married six years. But since getting married, I know that I've failed to see and support my single sisters in the way that I should. I could do a better job of that. I want to change that. 

And so, can we pray specifically this morning for married women, that we will open our eyes and our hearts to opportunities to really do life on life with single sisters?

Heather: Absolutely, I'd be glad to do that. 

Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for the way that You've designed the body of Christ, the ways that You have gifted us in unique ways, and that you have put us in different stages of life in order to edify and encourage one another and reach this world for Your glory. 

I do pray for us as married women that we would be very careful and sensitive to how You are calling us to love and support the single women who are in our lives. I pray that You give us sensitivity, that You help us to step outside of our comfort zones, to invite women to see us up close and personal, and to even to welcome their input and their wisdom into our lives. I pray that we would be willing to give that to them, and to love them in such a way that points them back to You and encourages them to continue in perseverance and enjoy what You have given them to do. We just praise Your name Lord, in Jesus’ name, amen.

Portia: Amen. Thank you so much, Heather. I am grateful for your heart and grateful that we get to share this time together, because you really put something on my mind and heart. So, thank you.

Heather: Thank you, it's been a joy to talk with you.

Dannah: What a great conversation. I was so encouraged by that. It filled me with gratitude. I realize some of the single women that I work with on the Revive Our Hearts team, the True Woman team, the True Girl team, that they have an ability to minister with and beside me in the freedom of their singleness that I don't sometimes have as a mother, a wife, a grandmother. Just something about the way you guys were communicating just now filled my heart with gratitude. 

So, if you're One of those single women that makes this ministry possible and I haven't said thank you. Thank you. You are a blessing. 

Portia: Yes, thank you. 

Dannah: Hey, it's time to get grounded in God's Word. Open your Bibles if you've got one nearby to Mark 14. I've got mine right here. Let's dive in. Okay, Peter is doing something. In the passage I'm about to read to you, just one verse, He's doing something that believers often do when life is disappointing. And disappointment comes from all sorts of things. I've been in a place where singleness was a part of that. I've spent 22 years of my life so far single, and I am most likely still counting as are you. 

Maybe you've spent some of those days, weeks, months, or years disappointed. Perhaps you're there right now? 

Well, no matter, Peter has learned a lesson on the hot payment of life that you and I can benefit from. 

Now, let me give you the setting. Jesus has just been arrested. So, we're obviously closer to Easter than Christmas. But Peter, one of Christ's best friends, a follower who thought Jesus is going to fix this broken world is disoriented. His expectations have not been met. He's trying to figure out how to live in this disappointing moment of life. And here's what he chooses, based on Mark 14, verses 54 and 55. 

“And Peter had followed him,” Christ, “at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. And he was sitting with the guards and warming himself at the fire.”

At a distance. Where was Peter sitting? At a distance. Lots of believers follow Christ at a distance when things aren't going the way they want. Peter did in Christ's hour of great need, in Christ's hour of crisis, we find the apostle warming himself by a fire, just hours after he promised Jesus that if everyone else fell away, he would not. But he did. He did fall away. 

Let me read that verse to you once again. “And Peter had followed him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. And he was sitting with the guards and warming himself at the fire.” 

Now, it wasn't that warming himself by the fire was a bad move. But clearly, Peter was using it as a way to stay on the scene, kind of close to Jesus, just not too close. And I think Peter knew it. 

You know what? All too often we pursue Christ at a distance, especially when we feel insecure or fearful. We'll follow Him, as long as we can also warm ourselves with the comforts of life. And our comforts can include a lot of things: maybe sleeping in instead of waking to pray, maybe avoiding reading the Word because we're fearful of the conviction it might bring. Maybe numbing ourselves with screens or holding on to a relationship that we know is not good for us so much more. 

We don't curl up by the bonfires of our community the same way that Peter did. But we do gather around things that make us comfortable, to numb the disappointment when God doesn't have a plan that lines up with our desires. I think if we're honest, just like Peter, we want God to make our life all better to fix all the brokenness. 

I'm partial to A.W. Tozer. I love reading him. He suggested that even in our desire to share the gospel, we offer Christ to mankind as a cure to their ills away out of their troubles. A quick and easy means to the achievement of personal ends. We want comfort, or we want the abundant life. But we're not too keen on the idea of picking up our cross and denying ourselves. 

Whether we admit it or not, selfish gain is the primary goal of the modern American Christian. And all too often a well-intentioned woman, single or married alike, we live motivated primarily by the certainty that we're going to be comfortable. Maybe that expectation is why we're just so bent out of shape when we're not comfortable. 

And here's what I want to say to you today, come to your senses. You see, after the rooster crowed three times Peter came to his when he realized that his motives and warming himself by the fire were selfish, and that his actions denied Christ as his ultimate satisfaction. He drew near again. 

Now, doing so could guarantee his own crucifixion. If and when you draw nearer to Christ, it could mean the crucifixion of your heart. But I want to invite you to step up with the same single-minded focus that Peter did. A.W. Tozer puts it this way. 

“Peter warming himself at the world's fire and trying to seem unconcerned is an example of the kind of halfway discipleship too many are satisfied with. The martyr leaping up in the arena demanding to be thrown to the lions, along with the suffering, brethren, is an example of the only kind of dedication that God approves. A martyr like that is absent of his own desires. He focuses on Christ alone.” 

She focuses on Christ alone. 

And only in that kind of relationship are we ever going to truly experience the presence of God's Spirit and know his love so deeply and so authentically that we find ourselves lost in it and truly fulfilled. Maybe it would seem as if this doesn't have too much to do with singleness. But I think it has a lot to do with it. Let me read to you 1 Corinthians 7:17. It says this. 

“Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.” That's 1 Corinthians 7:17. 

I think another way of saying that might be, don't be wishing you are someplace else or with someone else. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God not your marital status defines your life. And you might say, how does that verse you just read have to do with the marital status? Well, if you look at the verses around 1 Corinthians 7:17, you'll see that it's very much talking about that. 

Are you single this Christmas season? Are you married and frustrated or overwhelmed with your man? God, not your marital status, defines your life. Take your life, all of it, every single bit of it, entirely to the cross. Draw nearer boldly to Jesus no matter what it costs you, no matter what disappointments you have to look in the face. Stop comforting yourself and numbing yourself to what's broken in your heart and your life. 

Let's stop looking all of us for satisfaction outside of Jesus Christ, because you know what? You'll never be happy as a married woman if you're not happy as the girl you are right now. And you'll never be happy as the girl you are right now, married or single, if you're not completely surrendered to Christ in everything. Everything. Period.

Erin: Nobody told me this is gonna be an episode about my entitlement. But it was my entitlement to whatever. As Heather was talking, I thought, I don't think I've ever shared my home with a single woman for any length of time because I don't know why. And of course, Dannah, you hit the nail on the head. You did it with such a sweet smile, too, though, as you were coming after that we seek satisfactions that were other than Jesus. So, thanks, you grabbed me. 

Dannah: You’re welcome.

Erin: I get to be the one to give you the good stuff, which I love to do. You know, something I do here frequently is that our single friends in Church can sometimes feel like there's nothing for you. Sometimes a sermon series on marriage will happen and maybe singleness gets tacked on as an afterthought or the anecdotes that are shared from the pulpit often involve families or raising children. 

And so, you might feel like there's nothing out there for you if you're single. But I'm here to prove you wrong. I'm here to equip you with lots of good stuff—many, many podcast episodes from Revive Our Hearts just for you. The first is a series from our friend Colleen Chao, a frequent Grounded guest who experienced singleness well into her thirties, long after she wanted to be married. She wrote about it extensively. 

So, there's a Revive Our Hearts series called “Season of Singleness.” I know we just learned not to call it a season, but that's what this podcast series is called. We're gonna drop the link for that. There's another series called “Seeking God's Glory through Singleness” that lines us up right with all that Heather was sharing about using our seasons of life to ministry to each other. That one features Carolyn McCauley, we're going to drop the link for that. 

There's a series called “Practical Counsel on Singleness,” some of those things that Jenilyn was telling us about like, what do you have to decide to buy the house or not buy the house on your own? Will you have to decide to take the job or not take the job? You don't have a spouse as a sounding board, how does that look like practically? We'll drop the link to that. 

And one last thing we want to drop the link to a booklet written by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth who was single, I think into her fifties. Dannah, correct me wrong. The title of that booklet is Singled Out for Him, it's a quick little read. It’s a great resource to ground your heart and God's truth. If you find yourself single still or single again, we're gonna drop the link for that. 

And one last recommendation, a book for everybody, but I think is going to speak into this issue, specifically as written by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and her husband, Robert Wolgemuth once you waited so long to marry. It is titled You Can Trust God to Write Your Story. 

So, if today your story does not look like you want it to look like or think it should look like as you're staring down the barrel of a Christmas that doesn't look at all like you think it should. That book is a great grab for you. And maybe something to add to your list for somebody that you're giving gifts to, we're going to drop the link to that. 

Woo! I'm glad I'm not in charge of dropping the links, because that's a lot of links to drop you. We want to put those things at your fingertips.

Dannah: You filled the toolbox up today,Erinc Davis. I don't think we've given that many tools in the toolbox in a very long time. They're gonna need to check it out in the show notes to really get it all. 

Erin: Yeah, I wanted to I set out to prove a little bit like, yeah, we got some stuff for you. I don't know what you girls are taking away. But I am so challenged by Heather's approach and having all of those single women in her home. I feel convicted that I've coupled up and spent my weekends with couples whose lives look a whole lot like mine. It's an easy thing to say, “Hey, come over, we're having a bonfire” to someone whose family situation looks a little different. I'm also thinking of two people Mimi, whom I mentioned, and my stepdad, who's not single, but we did move my mom into a facility a few months ago. So, he's facing the holidays. It looks very, very different. And so, I want to be intentional about sharing hope and welcoming him to the table. Dannah, what are you taking away?

Dannah: Well, Heather really got me thinking about. I don't think I'm going to be opening my home up to 17 single women, and you don't have to do that. 

Erin: Yeah, that wasn't the call. 

Dannah: But the heart that looks around. Where has God given you the opportunity to engage with them? And for me, I think I've said it is just having more grateful eyes for what they're giving to me. So many times, I'm like, “Oh, I gotta take care of this harder.” I gotta say, “Oh, my, they really do take care of me too.” So, let's have an attitude of gratitude for the single women in our lives.

Erin: Portia, I think when we think of single women, we think of maybe people who haven't married yet. But I think of your own mom, who doesn't have a husband in her life and folds into your family. Anything you were thinking about her during this episode?

Portia: Yeah, definitely. I was thinking about her and honestly, a lot of other women that I just think that I could do a better job of serving, even Mama. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the responsibilities that come with being married. I call it the little married bubble. 

Erin: Yeah. 

Portia: But one thing that Heather said that I think really spoke to me is how God has blessed us, like the single women in our communities in our lives. They have purpose, like for us, like we need them just as much as they need us. 

And so, I think sometimes we forget that. We think that I can't learn anything from her when that's not true.

Erin: Good perspective. 

Portia: Yes, God has purpose for each one of us. And so yeah, that's my takeaway that I’m walking away with.

Erin: Jesus was single. Paul was single. Mary Magdalene I think it’s safe to say was single. Yeah, so lots of examples of Scripture who were fruitful for the Lord without being married. So let's take out our Grounded needle and pop that married bubble started to look outside of it and serve each other.

Dannah: Yeah, hey, I know this is totally corny, but: single single all the way I don't know why that came up in my head. But I feel like that with joy this year if you're single, be single all the way for Jesus. 

Okay, grab a candle for next week. We're going to cozy up to some comfort for the holiday season. I don't think there's anything so comforting that I remember from years of holiday celebrations as a candlelight service to remind us of that first “silent night.” 

So next week, we're going to tackle grief by the horns and bring it under submission to the hope of Jesus that we celebrate every Christmas. Our guests are Mary Nyman and Carol Anback. Let's wake up hope together next week on Grounded.

Portia: Grounded audio is powered by Skype. Grounded is a production of Revive Our Hearts calling women to freedom, fullness and fruitfulness in Christ.

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