Wisdom for Parenting Adult Children, with Holly Elliff, Helen Jones, and Bob Lepine

Just because they leave your nest doesn't mean they leave your heart! Gain wisdom for parenting adult children with guests Holly Eliff, Helen Jones, and Bob Lepine in this episode of Grounded. 

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Episode Notes

The Four Emotions of Christmas book by Bob Lepine

“Your Love for Jesus Is an Investment in Your Child’s Future, with Jani Ortlund” video

“Flourishing in the Empty Nest” podcast series 

Shop the Celebrate the Season Sale

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Erin Davis: Do you know what the longest season of parenting is? I'll give you a clue. For some parents, it is also the hardest season of parenting. We've got hope and perspective for you on this episode of Grounded. I'm Erin Davis.

Dannah Gresh: And I'm Dannah Gresh. So, Erin Davis, tell me, what is the longest season of parenting?

Erin: I want you to guess. What do you think it is?

Dannah: Well, what comes to my mind immediately is the terrible twos, which I did not think were terrible. The threes were a little scary for me. But the twos weren't that terrible. Is it? Is it that the terrible twos? They have a bad wrap?

Erin: No. So some might call it the terrible teens, which I'm in right now. And for the record, I actually don't think the teen years are so bad, either. So, I'm gonna give you another chance to guess. And this will help you. You are actually in the longest season of parenting right now, and I'm not there yet. 

Dannah: Well, then of course, parenting adult kids. And that makes sense, because it lasts longer than any other stage. 

Erin: It does. It lasts a long time. 

Dannah: And honestly, I'm about a decade in, and I'm still in a learning curve. I am the mom of three adult children and add my daughter-in-law, my son-in-law into the mix, and then that's five, and there's a potential son-in-law in the picture—almost six. So yeah, it's a learning curve. I need some help.

Erin: Oh, I have to get the scoop on the potential.

Dannah: I don't know if I should have said that.

Erin: Retract, retract. Well, someday there will be. That's why this is the longest season apparently because there are landmines everywhere. 

Dannah: Yeah. And I will probably be in a lot of big trouble. 

Erin: And where do you buy the manual for that season of parenting? There's like What to Expect When You're Expecting, What to Expect the First Year. There are quite a few books on parenting teens. Where is the book for parenting adult kids?

Dannah: No manual. I have not found it. But I have heard that moms who have adult kids are often called the “forgotten moms.” Because there's so much advice for all the other stages, but hardly any for this stage. I really long to do it well. I want to not make a whole lot of faux pas. I don't want to step on the landmines, and I want to keep leading my children to the heart of Jesus Christ, most importantly, you know?

Erin: Yeah, I keep saying I'm gonna make notes to myself of the things that my parents and my in-laws have done as I'm an adult. Like, don't say this, don't do this.

Dannah: Uh oh, the “don’t” list.

Erin: When your daughter-in-laws have babies, don't do these things. I haven't started that no book yet. Maybe I've missed the opportunity. But I can understand that there is a manual needed. 

Many of you have told us, “Hey, we are in the season of life of adults kids. Can expose the challenges of this season?” So, we're here to help you out. We've got two seasoned moms of adult children with us, and they've got some tips for how to parent when your kids have left the nest, or maybe in your case, some of them have left the nest and come back. That's happening more and more when those adult children boomerang. What are the rules?

Helen Jones is with us as well as Holly Elliff. If you're a Grounded faithful, first of all, tell us, “Hello, I'm a Grounded faithful” in the comments. We love hearing from you. Holly's name is going to sound familiar. She's been on before, and she oozes wisdom. She's so, so practical. 

And Dannah, I know we're talking about today's topic, but I feel like I need to acknowledge my hair situation. Oh, the 70s, I got a Farrah Fawcett thing going on. Someone can give us some wisdom when you're using the wrong decade.

Dannah: You're just setting new trends. Erin, you're ahead of the rest.

Erin: I'm bringing them back.

Dannah: They always come back. Hey, speaking of decades, since I'm in the decade where I am parenting the adult kids, can I have the privilege of interviewing these two seasoned moms of adult?

Erin: Of course. 

Dannah: I’ve got like five really hard pressing questions that my friends and I who are newer to this stage, they're on our hearts. They're kind of hot topics. Like if we differ politically, do we talk or ignore it? On Christmas Dinner day?

Erin: Go Dannah, that’s you. 

Dannah: Yeah, so these women are rooted in the Word of God, the wisdom of God, stick around. 

If you're a Grounded newbie, be sure to tell us in the chat. But I promise you, you are going to love Holly and Helen today. And no matter what stage of parenting you may be in . . .

Erin: Somebody sent me a meme for Thanksgiving, and there was a pumpkin pie. But the crust said, “Ready to talk politics?” And I was like, “I'm not ready.” But definitely, we will bump into conversations like that at Christmas dinner. And no matter what season of parenting or life you're in, it's good to have some wisdom to navigate that. 

So, we want you to share this episode. We count on you to share the episode. It’s so easy. Hit that share button, or send it out as a text, or let your people know that we are talking about this topic today. But before we talk to Holly and Helen, Portia has someone truly special on deck to bring us some Christmas-themed good news. Good morning, P.

Portia Collins: Good morning. 

Erin: You’re looking festive. 

Portia: Oh, thank you. 

Erin: Your hair is in the right decade. I applaud you. You’re doing better than me this morning. 

Portia: You like my Charlie Brown Christmas tree?

Dannah: It’s adorable

Erin: It doesn’t look Charlie Brown-ish. It looks great!

Portia: It looks better. Yes. Well, I'm glad to bring some good news this morning to redeem the tree. 

Well, today we have great news about the good news. I know the perfect, good news correspondent to help us with it. Welcome back to Grounded, Bob Lepine.

15:51 – Good News (Bob Lepine)

Bob Lepine: Hey, Portia. It's great to be with you. Thanks for having me on this morning. And let me just say since we're talking about hair in the 70s here. I had hair in the 70s. So you know, at least there's that going on, right?

Portia: You know, but you still looking good. Well, I want you to tell us about your book, The Four Emotions of Christmas.

Bob: This is a book I was excited to sit down and write because my audience for this book is really people who don't go to church regularly, but people who experience the challenges of the Christmas season. I think all of us head into the season hoping for love and joy and peace. And we get into it and instead of love and joy and peace, we've got stress, and we've got expectations, and we've got sadness. We think, What's wrong with me? Or why isn't the season delivering the way it's supposed to. I wanted to write a book to help people understand that it's not the season that delivers love, joy, and peace. It's the person who we're celebrating, who brings us love, joy, and peace.

So, if you're looking for the Hallmark Channel to deliver it or your shopping experience or making Christmas cookies, you're looking for love, joy, and peace and all the wrong places. This is a book that will hopefully open people's eyes to the fact that there's really a spiritual solution to the need that they have, and what they're longing for in their heart.

Portia: Well, I love what I'm hearing already. This sounds like a book for me. You know, I would say that this book is a bit of a departure for you. You've written a lot on love and marriage. So, what motivated you to write about Christmas?

Bob: Well, I think this season of the year is the most easily evangelistic season. And for 15 years, I have been the primary teaching pastor at our local church. I'm always looking for ways that I can encourage people in a relaxed, non-threatening way, take the good news and share it with their friends. 

This is a book that's 80 pages long. You can read it in about an hour. To be able to give your neighbor a book and a plate of cookies and an invitation to the church's Christmas Eve service or Christmas Pageant. I just thought, How easy is that? To do that, nobody's gonna get offended because you gave them cookies for Christmas. 

This book is kind of like a giant track. Again, they might toss away a track, but they're not going to throw away a book. And who knows, late at night, they'll pick this up and start reading it. Again, it's an easy, I think, kind of a breezy book to read. 

I just have a burden for us being more evangelistic during the Christmas season. I thought this could be a helpful tool to make that happen.

Portia: Absolutely, absolutely. I love this shot that we have of your book cover, that is super appealing. Like when I'm looking at that, it looks like something that I want to read, and I want to pass out. So, I love it. I love it.

Bob: I wish I could take credit. I wish I could take credit for that book cover. I had nothing to do with that other than to look at it. The publisher did a great job with this. And I agree with you, I think they did a great job. Thanks.

Portia: They were inspired by your writing I'm sure. Well, tell me this: what unique opportunities does the Christmas season present in terms of sharing the gospel with those who do not know Christ?

Bob: Well, people who don't go to church regularly still think about, “Should we go to church at Christmas? Should we go to church at Easter?” You probably heard the idea of a CEO Christian. 

Portia: Christmas and Easter, Right? 

Christmas and Easter only. So, to get to know that folks are at least asking the question, should we do something religious at Christmas, there's that impulse. It gives you a great opportunity to invite them to what your church is doing, which I think is the easiest invitation of all. People are not offended in the Christmas season. When you point to what the season is about when you talk about it being a meaningful season for you. A season that brings love and joy, a season where you focus . . . I mean, think about this: when we're walking through the malls at Christmas or through the Walmart, we're hearing great theology come through with songs like, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day.” These are songs that people know and that they sing at Christmas time. 

It's the season that gives us a layup to be able to have a gospel conversation with somebody that we might be tentative with during another season of the year.

Portia: Yes, yes. I love that, a layup. I think that's perfect, perfect terminology. Just in case there is someone watching or listening who doesn't yet know the gospel, or for those of us who maybe we feel a little awkward about sharing the gospel, can you share the gospel with us in a way that you would with your with a neighbor or with a friend or someone that you would be ministering to?

Bob: I think that sharing the gospel starts with an acknowledgement that there's a God. We can look around and see the world we live in and look at the beauty of creation and know that there's a God. This can't all have happened through an explosion of gas. And so to start and say, it's just clear to me that there’s a God, there's a wisdom, there's something greater than us controlling our lives in the universe. 

And then to acknowledge that we live in a broken world. I think to ask people, do you look around, and would you agree with me that the world is broken? And then to say as you look at your own life, would you say your own life? There's brokenness in your own life as well. And most people will nod their heads and say, “Sure, life's not going perfectly. It's not going the way I hoped it would go.” 

And you say, “Well, why do you think that is? The Bible gives us an answer to why that is. The Bible says the reason that the world is broken and our lives are broken is because we have rejected God and decided we wanted to live life on our own, with our own agenda for our own purposes, and that never works out well. God knows that. That's why at Christmas He sent His Son, who came into the world and lived the life that we should have lived, a life that's focused on God and his agenda. Then He went to the cross, he died in our place, so that he could forgive the sin, forgive our transgressions, and could reconcile us into a right relationship with God.” 

The verse that most people know, John 3:16, says, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.” And I think to share a verse like that with friends and say that this is what God's promises and you can have that everlasting life that comes as a gift from God if you'll just believe in Jesus and say, “I want my life to be centered on Him.” 

And, “Is that something you'd like to think about doing right now?” That's, I think, a simple way to just share the gospel message.

Portia: Yes, amen, Bob. I'm ready to shout. It says something about hearing the gospel there. Oh, it changes you, man. This is going to be in my top three favorite good news segments. How about that sharing the good news?

Bob: I'm doing it right here.

Portia: Well, we're going to help our friends, our sisters out today. One way we can share the good news is actually by giving away a copy of your book, The Four Emotions of Christmas, and maybe with some cookies, or another nice little snack. Can you tell us where people can find it?

Bob: Yeah, you go to the publisher’s website, which is 10ofthose.com. The number 10 of those dot com. One of the things I love that the publisher has done, you can buy a single copy of the book for $6.99. But if you buy quantities, if you buy 10 of them, the price drops to under $5. Our church bought 500 of them, and we've got people getting them for $2 each at church. Stop and think how many gospel conversations can you launch with a $2 gift like that? So 10ofthose.com is the website.

Portia: Perfect, perfect. We'll drop a link to that in the chat and the show notes. Bob, thank you so much for being with us today.

Helen: Love being with you. Great to be with you. And hope everybody has a Merry Christmas.

Portia: Thank you.

Dannah: Wow, that got me so excited. I went straight online. I put the book, The Four Emotions of Christmas in my cart, and it was sold out. So I'm so glad 10ofthose.com is not sold out. Because they're the ones printing it. So that's where you need to go. Because the other places I won't even say where, they're out of them. So go there. It's obviously popular book right now. Get your copies and bake those cookies, or don't make the cookies, just go give a hug and a book. Whatever it is, but I'm excited about that. 

26:20 – Grounded with God's People (Parenting Adult Children with Holly Elliff and Helen Jones)

All right, you know what else I'm excited about our guest today? We're gonna get grounded with God's people with Holly Elliff and Helen Jones. We're going to ask these two moms, seasoned moms, who have adult children. Some of the most pressing questions moms of adult children are facing. These aren't going to be softballs, so we brought the heavy hitters. All right. Let me introduce these two women to you. 

Holly Elliff has been married to her high school sweetheart for nearly 50 years. She has been a pastor's wife since she was 20, has eight married children, and the last I counted, 22 grandkids. But Holly, welcome to Grounded. Are we still at 22? Or what's the number currently?

Holly Elliff: You're a little behind, we’re at 25 numbers. Number 26 is coming on the fifteenth of December. She wants to have it in Little Rock. This is very nice. Her parents live here and they can't go, so they are coming here. This is baby number six for them. They are here to have a baby. 

Dannah: Wow. What fun.

Holly: 25 but 26 is coming up soon.

Dannah: Wow, I'm a little overwhelmed with three and a half. We have one on the way. So, you're going to have to school me up today. We're also going to bring in Helen Jones for this interview. 

Helen Jones: Good morning.

Dannah: Good morning, Helen. Helen’s husband, Martin, is my boss here at Revive Our Hearts. He's the Executive Director; he keeps us running well. Together as a couple have how many children? 

Helen: We have five, and they're all married?

Dannah: Any grandkids?

Helen: 17

Dannah: 17, and you’re still counting too?

Helen: I think so, but I think they're getting close to being done. 

Dannah: Well, I have lots of questions for you. I'm going to start with you, Holly. The holidays are coming. It's been an election year. Lots of moms are hosting adult children that voted differently. There's never really been a time in modern Church history where there's been such division in the Church about how we look at social issues and political issues. It's really a conversation among women my age who are saying, do we talk about this with our kids? Or do we avoid it? How do you approach that, you and Bill?

Holly: Our family talks a lot about everything. But there are some things that we decide to lay on the table because not everybody thinks about it exactly the same way. So, most of ours voted in the last election. But I didn't put little screws on them to make sure they did. 

And so anytime that there's a topic that could be inflammatory, we kind of put that on the shelf, unless it's really a biblical issue. You know, if I had kids that had a hard time with abortion going away, that would be really difficult. If it's a biblical issue, then we usually end up in a conversation at some point. But if it's a just an issue where you're pondering it yourself, and it's not going to change the world, we leave that one on the table.

Dannah: Hmm. That's hard to do sometimes, bite your tongue. All these years, we've been directing them, guiding them. And now, suddenly, there's issues we’ve got to leave on the table. 

Helen, when we do face one of those issues where maybe it's the way your child is disciplining their firstborn, or maybe it's that they haven't started to teach their two-year-olds to pray at the dinner table. Or maybe it's a bigger thing, like a theological issue, or a political or financial challenge that you would handle differently. Do you first go with the verbal influence? Do you practice your speeches to give them lectures? What do you do?

Helen: I think that's a really, really a good question. It's so hard. Because when they're little, we can tell them like you do like broccoli, or yes, you will do this. And you have so many years of that going into adult parenting that it's really hard to switch gears. At least it was for me. I remember telling my kids, “Please be patient with me. This is a new role. I don't know what I'm doing, and it's difficult.” 

A friend of mine when I was early on in this process, told me, “Pray, don't say.” There is a time to say things. I think if you can pray first, that that is a really good way to start, and then just go on those nudges of the Holy Spirit, whether you should say something or how you should say it. 

And quite often, I ended up praying and not saying anything. I have four girls and so I'm encouraging them to follow their husbands and thankfully, they're all godly men. I don't want to cause division in their marriages by maybe something I would say without thinking. So, praying about it first.

Dannah: I love that. You know, recently my husband challenged me. He didn't say pray don't say, but I love that because it's memorable. Pray don't say. But I wanted to confirm with one of my children about a decision they were about to make. And he said, “I think we should just go to the Lord with this one.” And I really didn't want to, but in an effort to honor my husband, I thought he was wrong. But I was like, I'm gonna honor you in this. We prayed together, and then that child reversed that child's decision. I'm trying not to use that child's gender. I saw it happen.

Holly: Yeah, that means so much more to them when it comes from God. When God changes their heart, instead of me trying to change it, that's huge.

Dannah: Yeah.That's so good. Holly, you know, I'm imagining that there's a mom listening right now, because I have a lot of friends in this position, where their adult child is still financially dependent. They're growing concerned about that child stepping into responsibility and maturity. How do you go about encouraging that? I don't know if you struggle with that with your own children. But as a pastor's wife, I bet you've counseled someone.

Holly: Yes, I have. And we have been through some seasons like that. There have been moments when we've been able to help our kids with something major that came up. That was a blessing to be able to do that. 

We've had a lot of conversations with our kids about being wise about priorities and stuff like that. But it kind of has to be initiated through their need, instead of us telling them that they need to be wise. 

So, we don't want to be the ones usually to initiate that kind of conversation, unless there's something really that could put them in danger. 

One of our kiddos recently bought their first house. They really didn't know a whole lot about that, and would have bought the very first house they walked into because they were so excited. 

And so, it was a season of balance. It's a little bit like a seesaw, because you want to keep the doors open to communication. But as you said, Helen, we really do have to go to the Lord and say, how far can I stretch this? What can I say? What do I need to just take to the Lord? First, in prayer? There's so many times when the wisdom I need is the wisdom about how to approach my child. Or when to say it? Or if I should say it at all. Or how to say it?

Dannah: Yeah. Do you think sometimes questions are a good place to start? Like, tell me how you came to that decision? Or, how do you think you're gonna provide for that need? Or, what is the Lord speaking to you in terms of what your next step needs to be? I mean, I can be very lionhearted and directive. I have to temper myself instead by being factual and saying, here’s your next step, that the Lord has given me the wisdom to let me see what their thinking their next step might be. And so, questions have been a real help for me as a mom.

Helen: I think looking back at our own past and relating maybe a story of when we were in the same situation or something similar, because you can impart some wisdom that way from your own mistakes, or from things that people taught you. It's not directed right at them and telling them that you should do this.

Dannah: Yeah, exactly. Helen, as we're approaching the holidays, one of the things that has been a challenge for me as an adult mom is I don't get as much one-on-one time with my kids. It doesn't happen organically. They're not coming to me at the foot of my bed at night like they did when they were teenagers and college students at 11 o'clock at night or midnight. That's how it seemed to always work. 

But I get them all at one big dose. So, it gets hard, like we can sag into boring conversations, without depth. What are some things that you've done to bond with your adult children specifically over the holidays so that you do have depth in the conversations at the dinner table?

Helen: Well, first, I should say, our dinner table, there is no chance to have in-depth conversations with so many, two-, three- and four-year-olds. It just doesn't happen. It's loud. We call it happy chaos in our house. Because that's the way it is. The important conversations happen more when we're in the kitchen cooking together, or randomly. But at the big dinners, that just doesn't happen. 

A friend of mine told me last year about a thing that they do with their family. She's just starting in the adult children department, but they do it with their kids. I brought show and tell. I work with kids a lot. And so, show and tells are great. She said that she bought an ornament that you could open up and put things in. This has a door on the back. I think it was supposed to have a candle in it. Well, I took those parts out. Everybody writes down a prayer request or two, and then we pray over those together. Sometimes the little kids are running around. So, it's a little chaotic, but that's okay. And then put them in here. I'm excited. This is ours that we just started last year. This is our first year then to open them up this Christmas and see what God has done. I'm really excited.

Dannah: I love it.

Helen: I think it would be good for the grandkids to see that. Like we've had some huge things this year. I know one of these in here that I can remember is for our oldest daughter, they were wanting to adopt. He's here now from Bulgaria. 

Dannah: Wow. Praise God. 

Helen: So, just a cool thing.

Dannah: I love it. I'm on the lookout for an ornament with a door on the back.

Helen: I found this at a garden shop. 

Dannah: Love it. Beautiful. Holly, take us to the Scriptures. What's the verse that we can, as adult moms who have adult children, really cling to and embrace? 

Holly: Well, I’ve got a couple of verses here that popped in my head. Our family has three family text threads. And so, on our phones, we had one for the whole family. The guys couldn't handle all the stuff the girls were putting on there. So, we also have a girls’ thread. And now, our top four grandkids are 16 to 14, and they're just getting cell phones. And so now we have a grandkids thread, which can be overwhelming. 

That's how we stay aware of what's happening. But when you have a family this big, there's always a lot happening. Some of those things are great. Some of those things are hard. So let me just share these couple of verses here. Colossians 1:9–10 says this. “And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord.” So many times I don't know what my opinion even is about something, but I can always go to the Word.

Dannah: And there's your prayer.

Holly: Yes, yes. And then James 3:17 says, “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” And we spend a lot of our time as moms sometimes making peace, and a lot of times that's taking it to the Lord first, so that it can be peace. 

Dannah: Good words this morning. I feel like we've just had some coffee as girlfriends together, and I am filled up with my task of parenting adult children. Thank you Holly Elliff and Helen Jones.

Helen: Thanks for having us. 

Holly: Thanks, Dannah.

Dannah: You know when I think of parents I admire, I cannot help but have Jani Ortlund come to mind. Her children are all grown too. She's been grandparenting a little longer than I have. I could look at her family and say they are perfect. None of us are, but that is an approach to a parenting adult child that I want to emulate. We had Jani on Grounded recently and she shared the one thing our kids of any age need most. Let's watch this short clip of advice. 

42:15 – Video Clip (Jani Ortlund)

What do parents need to do? What do they need to plant in their kids’ lives today to be bearing fruit, spiritual fruit in the future?

Jani: Well, that is a really good question, and it goes very deep. I want to speak, first of all, to those who are listening or thinking, Oh, that's just too huge for me to even begin thinking about. I want to say that really, the Bible doesn't give us guarantees that if we behave A, B, C, and live out this before our children, then the absolute promise result is given. Erin, what we say is there are no guarantees. No. So where does that leave us? As I think of it as a grandmother, a mother, an aunt, a Sunday school teacher, a friend? Where does that leave me? 

It leaves me thinking about not guarantees, but investments. I can invest in it, as in any investment. Dannah, you know, I know, our listeners know. All we can do is seek out God's wisdom, invest, and then leave the results with him. The best investment I believe, and my husband Ray believes, and we learned this from Mom and Dad Ortlund, whom I'm so glad you learned from as well. The best investment we can leave is our own personal love of Jesus Christ. When those around us—whether they be six months old, 16, or 46, whatever—the best investment we can give them is to show that no matter what, no matter what this life offers us, no matter what we are facing, we can get through it with joy and peace through Jesus. He is the answer. We want to make Him beautiful, enticing.

We can do that in a lot of ways. I mean, we do need to teach the Word, but we can live it. We want our homes to be kind of a foretaste of heaven. If they love our homes, they'll be more likely to want to lean toward heaven and go that direction. We want our marriages, those of us who are married, to be an example of Jesus in love with His Church, and His Bride, the Church, passionately in love with Him and longing to serve Him beautifully.

45:07 – Grounded in God's Word (1 Sam. 2:12–25)

Erin: Dannah, Holly, Helen, Jani, some of the moms that I most admire all in one episode. I feel like what do I have to offer in comparison to the wisdom they've given us, but I get to open our Bibles and let God's Word be our guide here. 

I gotta confess that when it comes to parenting, I'm always really reluctant to give any advice. It's true that I'm a mom of four. My oldest is just about to turn 15, my baby is 4. I feel like the longer I parent, the less I feel confident that I know. I frequently say that I'm a cracked pot raising cracked pots on my very best day. I just need Jesus and the gospel to infuse my family. 

So, it's always best to turn to Scripture when it comes to parenting kids in any era of their lives. And when it comes to parenting adult children, actually, Scripture has plenty to say. 

God's Word actually teaches us this lesson when it comes to parenting. Our kids who are grown, don't break your neck. 

Let me show you in the book of 1 Samuel 4:18 where it says this. “When he mentioned the ark of God, Eli fell backward off the chair by the city gates. And since he was old and heavy, his neck broke, and he died. Eli had judged Israel for 40 years.” 

Eli was one of Israel's longest serving judges. If you're familiar with this period in Israel's history, there were many who came and went. Most of them didn't choose to serve God all the days of their life. 

Eli actually was the man of God, and Eli did a lot of great things for God. But when it came to Eli's adult children, Eli is an example for us of what not to follow. Let's go back a little bit to 1 Samuel chapter 2. I'm going to read us verses 12 and 17. “Eli’s sons were wicked men, and did not respect the Lord.” If I think about that being kind of the label that describes my children someday, it actually puts a pit in my stomach. Listen to verse 17. “So the servants’ sin was very severe [these are Eli sons] in the presence of the Lord because the men treated the Lord's offering with contempt.” If you know this passage of Scripture, Eli's sons were overt about their sin. They did things that defiled the temple as if they weren't even trying to walk the narrow road.

And in the ultimate sense, we're not responsible for our children's sin, right? I mean, each of us are going to stand before the Lord on our own. None of us can earn righteousness on our parents’ righteousness. But each of us will stand before God and give an account, and our children are going to face the consequences for their own sin. 

But what we see here in 1 Samuel is that God was very angry at Eli for failing to deal with the sin that was rampant in his household. 

It reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago, I don't even know where I heard it. But it stuck with me through every year of my parenting. A woman who had adult children and her adult son decided to leave his marriage. And this mom resolved that she was not going to stand for it. So she got herself on a plane that day. She went and found her son and said, “Hey, we're going out to lunch.” And she essentially said, “Not on my watch. What's it going to take for you to reconcile with your wife, for you to live out the vows that you've taken before the Lord?” And he did. He went back to that marriage. 

Helen gave us that tip to pray it, don't say it. But that stuck with me as a reminder that godly parenting is a lifelong assignment. I am confident that mom was praying it all the way through that conversation before she was saying it. I've often said that prayer is our primary work as a parent’s prayer is not passive. It's not doing nothing. 

If I were to read some conjecture into the text here, I think Eli skipped that step. He was busy serving the Lord and his sons were busy with sin. He didn't deal with it for a long time. Now, to be fair, Eli did eventually confront his sons. Listen to 1 Samuel 2:22–25. “Now Eli was very old. He heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they were sleeping with the women who served at the entrance of the tent of meeting.”

Guys, this is gross, grievous sin that his sons were doing, and doesn't sin always grow. They didn't start by sleeping with the women at the front of the tent of meeting. It started somewhere else. 

And he said to them, "Why are you doing these things? I've heard about your evil actions from all these people. No, my sons, the news I hear the Lord's people spreading is not good. If one person sins against another, God can intercede for him. But if a person sins against the LORD, who can intercede for him, but they would not listen to their father, since the LORD intended to kill them.” (vv. 23–25)

I get the sense from the story that when Eli intervened, it was too little, too late. His adult sons would not listen to discipline for 1 Samuel 2: 34:35 describes God's judgment on Eli's household, 

“Then this will be the sign that will come to you concerning your two sons, Hophni and Phineas, both of them will die on the same day, then I will raise up a faithful priests for myself, he will do what is in my heart and mind. I will establish a lasting dynasty for him, and he will work before my anointed one for all time.” 

Now here, as God was pronouncing judgment on Eli for not dealing with the sin in his own household. He was prophesying about David, but in the more ultimate sense, he was telling us about Jesus. God knows we're gonna fail at parenting. At every single stage, I had failures. When they were newborns, I had failures. When they were toddlers, I had failures. When they were in the school age, and I'm having failures in teenage years, every stage. The thing I say most of my boys is probably, “This is why Mama needs Jesus so much.”

But the charge here I think from this story is stay involved. Keep praying, keep speaking truth. Here's a hard one. Keep calling sin, sin, because God's watching. And the best parenting thing we can do is to encourage our children to seek the Lord and to live how He's called them to. 

I'm gonna pray, because I'm not doing this perfectly. I don't want to get to the point where God judges me because I didn't deal with this in my own household. I know you don't want that either. 

So let me pray quickly. Lord, help us to learn the lesson here. When do we intervene when our children are in unseen sin? What do we say? What do we not say? Is there judgment coming on our families because we've looked the other way at some sin in our children's life for too long? Would You expose it? We don't want what happened to Eli's family to happen to us. We want our children to serve You all the days of their lives, for us to be a part of that. In Your name I pray, amen.

Portia: Amen, amen. That's a lot of good wisdom for this young mama. I definitely put you in that number of my list of favorite mamas.

Erin: Thank you, P. 

Portia: Well, guys, we are the friends who love to give you the good stuff. You know what it is— the tools to keep you grounded. And this week, we've got an Revive Our Hearts podcast series to recommend. It's called “Flourishing in the Empty Nest.” It's a conversation with our guest today, Holly Ellfif, along with Kimberly Wagner and Rebecca Lutzer. And this conversation is basically about how to navigate life once our children move out. Alright, the episodes on there, the podcast is great. 

So please go listen, guys, but the episodes are on parenting adult children, marriage, kingdom living, and more. I mean, you're gonna get everything you're looking for. Okay? So check it out. We are going to drop a link in the chat and the show notes for you. 

And like a good friend, we also want to tell you where to find a good sale. Alright, raise your hand if you like a good sale. Yes. And there's one going on right now at Revive Our Hearts. It is Bible-centered resources that will make great gifts. Okay, great gifts for birthdays, Christmas, you name it. So, you can shop the sale at ReviveOurHearts.com/celebrate. The sale ends on December 12. Think about 12/12. So, scoot on over, get to shopping, pick those gifts out. I know you gotta love it.

Dannah: I love me a good sale. 

Portia: Me, too. 

Dannah: That’s the best part of the year, where I am trying to stretch the budget a little. 

Portia: I love a great sale.

Dannah: This was a great conversation today. And you know what? The advice I'm coming away with: pray it, don't say it. Like that's kind of the theme that the Lord's giving to me. And then if you pray and the Lord says speak to your child with strength, you do it in His timing. That applies whether your kids are two are 22 or 52. Right? 

Erin: Yeah. 

Dannah: And I can remember a time when my teenage daughter Autumn was really struggling. We adopted her when she was 14 from China. She didn't know a lot of English. So, I was navigating through a language barrier. I remember a time when I could see she was upset. Instead of saying, “Hey, tell me why you're upset.” I mean, I couldn't. I just prayed. And God Spirit really gave me wisdom to see what she was seeing. Her sister had saved for two years for an iPod. This was back in the day, my friend. It had arrived, and there wasn't one for Autumn. And God's Spirit helped me to discern. She thinks that I bought that for her and didn't buy her one and she feels excluded. It gave me the wisdom to know how to enter into the conversation. 

And there was a breakthrough in my relationship with my new daughter that day. That would not have happened if I hadn't first prayed before I said something. 

So pray, moms of two year-olds, moms of 10 year-olds, moms of 14 year-olds, moms of newly adopted children, moms of adult children. Pray it before you say something. And the Lord will lead you.

Erin: Listen as we head into the holiday season, I'm taking away that ornament with the prayer requests.

Dannah: So good. I'm already thinking of where can I get that?

Erin: Part of being intentional about the holiday season is praying for your children about how family gatherings are going to unfold. If there's a new significant other, I think we do a lot of prep. But I don't know that we do a lot of prayer. It doesn't mean that you don't ever say anything, of course, but that prayer is such a good foundation. So really good episode, lots to chew on. 

And of course, we'll be back next week. We never leave your side. We're here week to week. And we've really tried to think through all of the angles of this holiday season and who needs hope in perspective. 

So, if you are single and you will be sitting at a family table in a couple of weeks without a significant other, this next episode is for you. 

And it's actually for those of us who will have a significant other because we'll be talking about how to minister to those who aren't married and want to be or it hasn't happened. So, we've got some guests coming up and I'm eager to hear from Jenilyn Sweet, if I can say her name, and Heather Coffer. They will both be with us. These are women with a heart to see single women thrive in the church, so let's wake up with hope together next Monday. We'll be here on Grounded. 

Grounded audio is powered by Skype. Grounded is a production of Revive Our Hearts calling women to freedom, fullness and fruitfulness in Christ. 

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