Building a Christian Home

Dannah Gresh: When your children see you seeking the Lord and praying every day, what does it communicate to them? Here's what Robert Wolgemuth saw in his dad.

Robert Wolgemuth: I knew that my daddy knew that he wasn't capable of being a great dad. I knew that my dad knew that he wasn't capable of being a great husband. I knew that my dad knew that he wasn't capable of following Christ faithfully without the power of the Holy Spirit.

Dannah: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of The Quiet Place for Wednesday, June 12, 2024.

For forty-four years, Robert and Bobbie Wolgemuth learned to display the gospel in their marriage. They raised two daughters, Missy and Julie. Then after a long battle with cancer, Bobbie went home to be with the Lord. In 2015, the Lord led Robert and Nancy Leigh DeMoss, the host of this program, to get married.

You can hear more of their story at a link in today’s transcript, at ReviveOurHearts.com. Robert has written about the value of family and the practical wisdom he's learned as a dad and husband in a book called The Most Important Place on Earth, with an updated version including a forward by Nancy. They sat down together in the studio to talk about the value of family, and it’s an important conversation for all of us to hear.

Nancy: In the course of our courtship, I really wanted to get to know better who you were. I knew you professionally. I had friends in the publishing industry who couldn't say enough good things about you and are so complimentary. And that was my experience as well. But it's a whole different thing when you're thinking about marrying someone and joining your lives together as one.

You had written a book that I picked up and said, "I think this will help me get to know this man better." You've written many books, but this is the one I picked up first. It's called, The Most Important Place on Earth: What a Christian Home Looks Like and How to Build One.

I remember reading, eagerly, through this book, highlighting, thinking, Yes. Yes. This is so good. This is so good! And then thinking, Whoever wrote this book must be an amazing man, an amazing husband, and an amazing dad.

This was really how I got to know so much about you and what gave me the freedom and the peace to continue in that relationship.

Robert: Wow!

Nancy: So this was a part of our getting to know each other. And, as the Lord would have it, you were in the process of updating and revising this book, for it was written in 2004.

Robert: That's right.

Nancy: And we're here to talk today about that subject.

Robert: We've said to each other so many times, Nancy, "You can trust God to write your story."

Nancy: Yes.

Robert: Who would have guessed in 2004 that the story that I was writing in this book would be sort of the user's manual, the owner's manual to my life for my wife?

Nancy: That's a good way of saying that.

Robert: Who could even think of . . . irony's not the right word. It's providence.

Nancy: Yes.

Robert: It's God's kindness. It's His sovereignty that this would become sort of a snapshot of my life and what was important to me, the failures that I had failed, the things that I had not done well. Hopefully the book is transparent, that it didn't set up an image of a man that wasn't true.

Nancy: Yes.

Robert: So it's in here—all the good, all the bad, all the ugly. So, yes, thank you.

Nancy: Honey, it's a great book. It's practical. It's easy to read. It's accessible. You're such a great storyteller and very conversational. I think it's a great tool for building Christian homes and Lord knows we need some manuals today.

Robert: Yes.

Nancy: We have God's Word, that's THE resource, but this is just a practical book about how to apply so much of God's Word to everyday life.

Robert: You didn't know this when you read this book, but the word "building" is there on purpose. I am a hopeless builder. I love it. When I pass a house that's just in frame and is just 2'x 4's and 2'x 6's, I talk about it. I say, "Look how beautiful that is." So that's who I am, and now you know that. I love building around the house. I love looking at things that need to be fixed and building.

So what my image is that a mom and dad stand next to each other in front of the pickup truck, and they roll out the blueprint for the house that they're building. And the blueprint is thorough. It has the elevation which shows what it's going to look like when it's done, but then you turn the page, and there are the floor elevations, one floor at a time.

And what they discover is that when you do the stuff that goes in the inside, then you stand back when it's finished, and it looks like you had hoped and prayed what it would look like. So, that's it.

Nancy: Follow the plan.

Robert: Yes. Follow the plan. Exactly. This isn't rocket science. It's doable.

Nancy: And yet, for many people it doesn't seem or feel doable, because how many people that we know have never really seen what a Christian home looks like?

Robert: A lot.

Nancy: They have no idea how to build one. While they're trying to get this marriage working and get this kid-thing working and going, you've got all the assault of the culture coming at them from every direction, pushing lies on them, pushing wrong ways of thinking.

Robert: That's right.

Nancy: It's hard! I think a lot of people are just thinking, There's no way I can build a really good Christian home.

Robert: It is hard work, but it's not as hard if you have a plan. I mean, if you're lost . . . Let's say you're in the city, your GPS isn't working, and you're lost. That's a whole different kind of hard work. This is hard work with a plan, with steps that you can take that make a difference in doing the right thing at home.

And the book is full of humor. It's not drudgery. It's not that kind of hard work. But it takes discipline. It takes self-denial. It takes humility. It takes teachability.

And the role that husbands play with wives, wives with husbands, is a very important thing. In fact, that's the most important relationship inside the house. Even though I know we're talking to single moms, single dads, I know they're everywhere, and if you're listening right now, and you're saying, "Boy, it would be great to have a husband at home or a wife at home," my prayer is that this book is still filled with good things that you can do even as a single parent.

It's a plan to build a home that honors God and that is actually sort of fun to live in. Don't you want to be that way? In fact, I use the image of flypaper in the book. My grandparents, believe it or not, hung over the dining room table a flypaper strip. Now, that's on the farm in Pennsylvania. We didn't even think about it.

But we want our homes to be attractive like that, that people who fly by our house get stuck on it. They don't even know why, but they say, "This is something that I'd love to have. How do you do this?"

So the book is a guide to help them.

Nancy: It is like you're taking people by the hand and just saying, "Here's an experienced, seasoned—not perfect—guide who's on the journey with others and has wisdom and experience." And so much of that, as I read this book, I realized did come from your parents and things that God gave them the wisdom to make a part of your home when you were growing up.

Robert: Yes, that's right. We have this in common, Nancy. Every morning my dad was on his knees. He would pray, not in a voice that we could hear the words, but the timber of his voice, just sort of the vibration through the house. We could hear it, literally. So I knew that my daddy knew that he wasn't capable of being a great dad. I knew that my dad knew that he wasn't capable of being a great husband. I knew that my dad knew that he wasn't capable of following Christ faithfully without the power of the Holy Spirit. So that was a great model.

In fact, as a kid, you grow up, and it's your family of origin. It's the normal that you're accustomed to. You don't know that everybody doesn't experience this. Then you learn that very few people experience this.

But for me, early on I knew that my parents loved Christ, loved us. They were transparent about their failures. They were quick to repent and ask us for forgiveness, which gave us a model to follow when it was time for us to repent and ask forgiveness.

I didn't have to be a cycle breaker. But I know that lots of our listeners, lots of our friends listening right now, have to be cycle breakers. And my prayer is that this book is a guidebook to help you do just that.

Nancy: And the good news of the gospel is that God is a redeeming God who is making all things new.

Robert: That's right.

Nancy: My parents were cycle breakers and did not come from godly homes, did not have all the instructions and the helps and seminars, conferences, books, resources available then as they started their family that are available today, but they had the Lord. They had His Word. I can remember my dad starting every day on his knees, seeking the Lord. I don't know how many kneeling pads he wore out over the years as he would start his day in the Word and on his knees.

And now I'm married to a man who's doing the very same thing, and what a joy it is to me. You're an early riser. I'm not so much. When I come down from time to time, I come across you on your knees, at the Throne, as you say it, having been in the Word, what a joy that is. And what an assurance it brings. And, again, that's not rocket science, but it just says you recognize your need for the Lord.

And that's something that anybody in any cycle in any kind of family can do—to start seeking the Lord and saying, "Lord, I can't do this."

Nancy/Robert: "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it."

Robert: That's right. In fact, on our wedding night, you gave me a kneeling pad. As your brand-new husband, I knew how important that was to you.

Nancy: One for each of us.

Robert: One for each of us.

Nancy: And that's where we started our marriage, on our knees together. First thing in the morning and last thing at night—to come together and join our hearts together.

It's amazing how different opinions, perspectives, and personalities and quirks—at our age, we have a few quirks, at least I do.

Robert: We do. I do, too.

Nancy: The Lord melts our hearts together when we humble ourselves at the throne of grace. That's the grace we need, the mercy we need. We find it at His throne.

Robert: That's right. That's what you do. When you're on your knees, you say, "Lord Jesus, I can't do any of this. I'm powerless. Without the power of the Holy Spirit, without Your indwelling Spirit, none of this is possible."

So in addition to bringing our requests, we pour out our need for a Savior day after day. It's a great place to do that. It's a great model. Throughout the Scripture, people fell on their knees when they were in the presence of holiness. And that's us. That's just you and me, husband and wife, side by side, kneeling, saying, "Lord Jesus, we can't do this, and so we confess that to You." We confess that to each other.

Part of the fun of praying together, and I know that's not necessarily what we're going to talk about this moment, but praying together, you hear me confess to the Father my inadequacies, and I hear you confess to the Father your inadequacies. We're talking to Him, but we overhear each other saying that to Him. It gives us a great opportunity to love each other more deeply because we kneel together at the cross. There's level ground there.

So, as you said, pretense gets set aside. Differences and quirks and all that become less important when we come before the Father on our knees together.

 

Nancy: It's interesting to me, Honey, that you call the home the most important place on earth. One of the things you emphasize in your life example, and in this book as well, is that we need to treat each other in the home as if we were honored guests, as if the people in the home are really important.

Robert: That's right.

Nancy: And there's some practical ways. You talk about the importance of how you greet each other when you walk in the door and how you talk to each other on the phone.

Robert: Yes. I talk about my first experience working in a retail store. Now, I was a paperboy. That was a job I could get, and I started working in the third grade. Now, at this point, Missy and Julie could fill you in. They would speak, and I would just watch them because they know this story—over and over again, trudging to school in knee-deep snow.

But my first job, I was in the third grade, and I got a job delivering newspapers. Fast forward to a freshman in high school. I got a real job in a retail store. There was a little electric eye that when customers would walk in the door, a little beep would sound, and we'd come alive. I love that setting because those were the most important people for us for our business that day. So we wanted to know if we could help them. We really meant it when we said, "Can I help you?" We loved that.

That image came to mind when I talked about walking into a home. What happens when you walk into a home? What happens when people walk into your home? Is there a little beeping sound that says to them, "Somebody's coming. Somebody's coming who's very important." It may be your kids. It may be one of their friends.

But because of the distractions, and this is not a soapbox time, I promise, but because of the distractions—electronic distractions—you may walk into our home, or I may walk into your home, and nobody looks up. They're looking at their iPhones. They're looking at their iPad or their computer screen, and they don't even look up.

The image that I give is, okay, so let's say I walk into my garage. There's a brand new foreign import sports car. I didn't expect it. I don't know where it came from. But it's mine now. It's in my garage. How would I respond?

Or let's say you walk in, and somebody had replaced all the thread-bare furniture with something brand new. It was just amazing. You couldn't have designed it yourself more beautifully. What would you do? You'd go crazy! You'd dance around the living room. You'd say, "This is amazing! How did this happen?"

We walk into our home, and the most important people—people we give our lives for—are there. And sometimes we sort of ignore each other. We grunt this and grunt that, "How was your day?" "Fine." Done. No more conversation.

And so that little beeper, that little electric eye in that retail store taught me how to respond to people when they walk into the door of my house. How do I treat them? 

Nancy: Starting with your own family members.

Robert: Starting with my own family. Exactly. Oh, yes.

Nancy: I'm thinking as you're talking about this, how, when I come down the stairs to your study each morning, and you may have your head in your laptop, your work, whatever you're doing at that point, but when you hear my footsteps, you come to life. You did it this morning. You get up out of your chair, you come and embrace me . . . well, I won't tell everything. But you're very alert, and "How's my precious wife? How did you sleep?" You're very attentive.

I think how easy it is when you live with these people all the time to kind of get to where you ignore each other. Sometimes we would treat a guest coming into our home with more attentiveness, more courtesy, more kindness, more effusiveness than we do each other.

Robert: That's right—more than we do our own kids or our spouse, our mate.

You say, "Come on. They know I love them. I don't need to do that every time." Well, try it.

Nancy: I've watched you with your daughters when they call you, or you call them. You have very expressive daughters.

Robert: I do.

Nancy: You're very expressive. And you guys talk a lot, frequently.

Robert: We do.

Nancy: But it's always, I can't even imitate it, really, but you are so excited to hear each other's voice. They're excited to hear your voice. They're telling you how much they love you. You're telling them how much you love them. You do this when we talk on the phone. You could have just left the house two minutes ago, and I'm calling to touch base about something.

Robert: Or tell me that my briefcase is still standing in the kitchen.

Nancy: And you're, like, "Oh, Precious!" But that expressiveness . . . I didn't marry until fifty-seven. I lived as a single woman all of those years, and I'm realizing how important those little exchanges are in creating a climate where marriage and a home can thrive.

Robert: Yes. And to say, "Well, that's sort of natural for some people and not natural for others." I guess my challenge would be, because it is so powerful, the message that you're communicating to the person that you're excited to hear from or to see every morning, the power of that, the joy that that creates engenders in their experience, learn how to do that.

It doesn't have to come naturally. Learn how to do that, and doing it will become its own reward. You'll say to yourself, "That was so much fun. I'm going to keep doing that."

So people who say, "Well, I'm not naturally that way." Okay, let's say that's true.

Nancy: Well, I'm not naturally that way.

Robert: But learn it.

Nancy: And I am learning it.

Robert: There' a great joy in that. It becomes its own reward.

Nancy: Yes. And it also displaces some of the negativity that can just creep into a relationship. The more time you spend with each other, the closer you are to each other, the more you know each other's warts and foibles and faults and flaws. I'm an editor by trade, so my bent is to notice something that needs to be corrected, to notice the misspellings in the book, to see what needs to be fixed. One of the things that I'm really being encouraged and challenged by in our relationship is to cherish and celebrate and honor and bless. And as we do this with each other, as we do it with your family and with my family, we find that the things that could have gotten under your skin or could be annoying don't seem so significant.

Robert: I learned what you're describing from two different individuals: my mother. I remember my mother, when I was a little boy, and I would bring home water colors . . . I don't know if they do water colors anymore. Do you remember those?

Nancy: Sure.

Robert: You'd do it with your fingers, and it was always an underwater seascape, and it would dry all crinkly. I'd show it to her, and she was on her knees so she would be at my level, and that was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. And she would embrace me and celebrate that.

The second person I learned that from was my dog. (laughter) It's true. I'd go to the mailbox. I'd be gone for forty-five seconds or for a four-day business trip, and my dog would meet me the same way. And guess what we refer to dogs as? Man's best friend.

So what you have is this selfless, little animal bouncing up and down on her hind legs, happy to see me. And you say, "No, you're grown up. You're running a business. You've got important things to do. Come on. Get on with something else more important."

No. The joy that a little dog brought me by welcoming in the door—I can't even describe it. That was a great model. So it's a decision that you make. In fact, it's interesting, Nancy. We place value on things in some way pretty arbitrarily.

Nancy: Yes.

Robert: So what you're saying is: "This isn't a garage sale. I'm not going to hang a twenty-five cent price tag on you. I'm going to make you priceless. When you walk down the steps, you're this priceless gem, and it's going to take my breath away—every time." That's a decision that I make.

And guess what? My heart follows my head. You are the most important person in that house. And when I see you for the first time in the morning, it's an amazing experience every single time. My heart has followed my head. I've made that decision. Every life change begins with a decision, so I've just decided you're the most important person in my life.

And when I see you . . . it's like seeing the Hope Diamond; it's like seeing the Crown Jewels in Britain. I've made that decision, and it turns into reality, and that's why I act like that.

Nancy: That kind of cherishing and celebrating is transforming in the object, the one that you are loving. There's something transforming.

I'm not so much of a morning person. I can easily go a whole morning without saying anything to anybody . . . and be happy that way. I'm a little bit more of a hermit. But, there's something about you lavishing generous, thoughtful, kind words on your bride first thing in the morning that makes we want to be more that kind of woman . . . to be satisfied to be your best friend, so you don't need the dog to do that.

Robert: That's right—and I'm happy to trade him in on you. Here's an interesting thing that happens in a marriage: Somebody has to go first. Very rarely will a husband and wife simultaneously decide to do something like this; somebody goes first.

This is true in greeting each other in the morning. It's true in solving an argument—in coming to a conclusion. Somebody has to be humble and say, "You know what? That was foolish. I had no business saying that."

The truth is, in our humanity and sinfulness, we're eager for the other person to go first. I want you to come to me in humility and say, "Honey, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that." So we might wait a long time. Sometimes arguments last far longer than they should.

An argument begins to come to an end when somebody says, "You know what? I'm going to go first." In this case, we're talking about greeting each other in the morning. That's easy for me. But it's more difficult when there's a disagreement and I feel like, "You've wronged me. You've done the wrong thing. You've said the wrong thing. You've acted the wrong way—in my opinion."

In my humanity, I'd rather have you go first and have you come to me and say, "Robert, that just wasn't the right thing for me to say." Well, guess what? You may not see it that way, so I have to go first.

So I have to go first. I say, "Nancy, we need to talk. I would love to just tell you what's on my heart." Rarely in any human relationship (and certainly not in our marriage) are you disappointed when you go first. People love transparency. People love to welcome a person who comes to them in humility and repentance.

Nancy: Humility breeds humility.

Robert: That's really true.

Nancy: One of the things we've talked about is "racing to the cross." It's seeing if you can get there first.

Robert: That's right.

Nancy: You are amazing at that! You go first in praise, in prayer, in humility, in seeking forgiveness, in serving and seeking to honor. That's hugely motivating to me as a wife. Yet, I know we're talking to a lot of wives who say, "My husband doesn't go first in that."

That's where a wife can go firs. And how motivating that is to a man—to her husband, to a dad, to sons—when there's a mom, a wife in the home who is taking that place.

Robert: And there's nothing wrong with telling your husband what you're doing. Don't wait for him to figure it out. In other words, say, "Honey, we need to talk, but I want to go first, because I want to tell you what's on my heart. I want to tell you what I think that I did wrong. I want you to know that first. I'm not going to wait for you to come to me."

Sometimes I think women give their husbands too much credit for figuring things out.

Nancy: We expect you to read our minds.

Robert: That's it. And I don't know a single guy who's good at that. So help us. Help me help you. Help me to see what you're seeing. Help me to hear what you're hearing. Help me to think what you're thinking.

If you help me along the way and tell me what you're thinking and seeing, if you tell me what you're doing by going first, that will help me to do the same thing. This is such a dance. The other night, we had really cool music on, and we stood up in the living room and we danced. And neither of us knows how to do that! (laughter)

Nancy: We would not have wanted a video of that!

Robert: Exactly. But it's watching each other lead . . . taking a step, taking a step . . . looking at our feet and saying, "Huh. That's where you're going to put your foot?" That's a metaphor for the way life happens, day after day. It's big things, it's little things.

It's fifty-seven years [for Nancy] of not having anybody do anything at the house that you weren't aware of, that you hadn't directed. So now you've got this person, and you're living in the same house. He has some ideas about what to do or what not to do . . . to build a shelf or to undo a closet and put it back together. 

So, I need to know what you're thinking. I can't read your mind. And, you do this so well. I can see the look on your face, and it says, "Hmm. Can we talk about that?" And so, we stop and talk about it. Because the last thing I'd want to do is surprise you with something you didn't want.

I love to surprise. I love to anticipate; it's my favorite thing. I love to get you a drink of water before you ask me. But if you're not thirsty, or if I get you a Coke and you hate Coke, that's a surprise you didn't want.

So this careful listening to each other, this careful going first and anticipating each other's needs, is the fun of marriage. I know this is all brand new for you. It amazes me.

When my friends say, "How's it going?" You know, they kind of lean in; they've got this furrowed brow. I say, "It's amazing! Nancy is amazing. She has welcomed me into her life in a way that I couldn't have even dreamed, I couldn't have ever anticipated."

And now, guess what? You and I are building a Christian home. We started fresh on November 14, 2015, and we're building a Christian home. It doesn't look like any other home on earth. You and I are the proprietors of our home.

We're having a lot of fun coming up with a whole new set of "normals." It's a family in a home that's never existed before you and me. And so, we're coming up with brand-new things, because you're who you are, and I'm who I am.

We're listening carefully to each other; we're praying together, asking the Lord to direct us in places we've never gone before, because we've never been married to each other before. That's all part of the joy of this.

Dannah: Nancy and her husband, Robert Wolgemuth have been talking about Robert’s book The Most Important Place on Earth. That book is available in the store on our website. You’ll find a link to it in the transcript of today’s program at ReviveOurHearts.com.

Even when you prioritize valuing your family and seeking the Lord for your home, sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we expect. If you’re the parent of a prodigal, or you love someone who has walked away from their family and faith, you know the ache I’m talking about. 

A growing number of families find themselves heartbroken over someone who has strayed. What can you do when someone you love is resisting the authority of God in their life, often rejecting your influence and care along the way? You can pray. We’ve created a resource designed to help you take action on your knees, seeking the Lord on their behalf. It’s our new thirty-day challenge called While You Wait for Your Prodigal. 

You can join the free email challenge by getting each day’s content sent to your inbox. But to catch up on the days you missed, and to have space to write out your prayers and look back on what God has done, you can get the printed copy of this resource for your donation of any amount. 

Visit ReviveOurHearts.com to sign up for the challenge and request your copy of While You Wait for Your Prodigal. Or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

Theme park operators go to great lengths to make you feel special when you walk in their gates. Is your home like that? Nancy and Robert Wolgemuth will be back tomorrow to help you know how to make your home more like a theme park—where everyone is treated special. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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