Descent to Dissatisfaction

Dannah Gresh: A young woman named Mariah tried the path of self-reform. She says, “That didn’t go so well.”

Mariah Halvorsen Edwards: I’m going to clean up my life. But I didn’t get lordship, and I didn’t get surrender. So I walked away from that, putting a pretty blanket over a pile of trash . . . and I was terrified of myself.”

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast for December 11, 2023. I’m Dannah Gresh. Our host is the author of Adorned, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: We have a lot of apple orchards and vineyards here in Southwest Michigan where Revive Our Hearts is located. At this time of year, of course, everything looks brown and dead. But in just a few months, the plants will start budding and blooming.

And then in the fall, someone—or lots of someones, actually—will pick tons and tons of apples and grapes. That is, they’ll pick them unless the tree or vine is barren and produces no fruit.

Well, today and tomorrow, we’re going to hear the story of a precious young friend named Mariah. God moved her from fruitlessness to fruitfulness, from death to life, from darkness to light. It’s a sweet story. I hope you’ll listen carefully, especially if you’re the parent of a prodigal or perhaps you know someone who is.

Mariah’s parents, Brent and Lisa Halvorsen, are on staff with Revive Our Hearts. Brent served for many years as a pastor, and now he and Lisa serve as Ministry Representatives for Revive Our Hearts. But just because Mariah was a pastor’s kid doesn’t mean she was part of God’s family . . . yet.

Dannah Gresh sat down to talk to Mariah and her mom and dad. Let’s listen to the first part of that conversation.

Dannah: Take us back to little Mariah. You grew up in a Christian home?

Mariah: I did. Yes. I grew up in a Christian home. My dad . . . I’ve always known him as a pastor. So I grew up in the rhythms of going to church, being a part of that kind of community. I went to a public school, not a private Christian school or anything. But, yes, I always grew up with the name of God being talked about in our home.

Dannah: And did you get butterflies in your heart the way I did when I was a little girl about that? Like, were you excited about Jesus? Or was the whole PK thing a hard thing for you?

Mariah: I mean, I remember the first time that I heard about God. It was when I was seven, and there was a little girl from our church who had passed away. I guess I had been asking my parents where she went and what happened to her, and all these things. They took that opportunity to explain heaven and God to me then.

Now, almost thirty, I still have no recollection of that moment. So I think, for me, that was kind of the beginning of years of misunderstandment. I would certainly not want to discredit the work of the Holy Spirit in my life at that moment. But I think for me, I don’t think that was my death-to-life moment because that desire for God never actually kicked in.

My parents always did explain that they would raise us the way that they did whether my dad was a pastor or not. So I think there was never any level of legalism in my home or any level of, “You have to act this way because your dad is a pastor, so put on the show, put on this performance.” There never was any of that coming from my parents. Of course, when you’re in Christian circles, that can sometimes sneak up anyways. But it was never from my parents directly.

Dannah: Yes. I think that’s just human nature. I look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and how the snake came and said, “Did God say you can’t eat?” 

And Eve said, “Oh, we can’t even touch that fruit.” 

Well, God didn’t say anything about touching it. She added that to it. That was her legalism, her whatever. It’s just human nature. It’s what we do.

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: So it sounds to me like your parents felt like that was a significant moment in your life, but it’s not something you really remember?

Mariah: No. It wasn’t.

Dannah: You say that was the beginning of you starting to misunderstand things?

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: Tell me about that.

Mariah: It was, honestly, like a little bit of amnesia. It felt kind of like my memories really started to kick in when I was nine or ten. So that was my first pinpointed memory that I have. I remember having this massive panic attack. I was just a kid, and I didn’t really have the language for it. I didn’t really understand it, but I just had a panic attack because there were all these questions that were tumbling around in my mind. Like, “Who is God? Where am I going?”

I didn't haven’t have any level of assurance or certainties. In that moment when I had the panic attack, I was alone. And since I had the name of God in my brain, I had somebody to accuse, and I had somebody to blame. Lke, “Oh, if He can’t protect me from this, if He can’t protect me from whatever is happening within me, then He can’t protect me from anything at all.” I kind of made this ultimatum statement that, in that moment, He had decided to forsake me, and He didn’t care enough to protect me, and He wasn’t able.

So all these very, very triumphant, hopeful, characteristics of God just became . . . I couldn’t lean on them. That was kind of when things took a turn. I was in, obviously, this circle, and so it was as if I’d put on the name tag, Christian.

I’m kind of looking around at nine or ten years old. I’m in these communities. I’m in church service. People are calling me a Christian. And so I’m looking around, and I’m like, “Okay, sure, yup. I’ll be a Christian. I’ll put on the name tag.”

It was easy to mimic. It was easy to look the part. It’s not really because I was looking for the approval, but just because I thought, Well, alright That’s the identity that I’ll be.

Dannah: But underneath you had this simmering anger at God.

Mariah: And mistrust, I think. I think it was just this mistrust and just this hurt—this really, really deep hurt of, “Why is this turmoil inside of me happening?” It was like I knew God is deity. I knew the name.

There never was any point, even throughout the twenty years of running, there never was this resignation that I put on the table of God Himself. I had no clue the relationship of Jesus. I had no clue what it actually meant to be saved. What was I saved from? What is the point? Now what do I do now that I’m saved? What is my identity in all of that? There was just a lot of these questions. I just didn’t verbalize a lot of it. I just kept a lot of it to myself.

Dannah: So, Brent and Lisa, did you know that was happening?

Brent Halvorsen: No.

Lisa Halvorsen: No. We did not know that was going on in her. She’s always been, even since she was really little . . . I can remember at probably two or three, she was just really scared of a lot of things and really cautious about a lot of things and kind of nervous and those kinds of things. But we didn’t know anything about panic attacks. To be honest with you, if she did have one, we would not have labeled it that at that time or even talk about it back then.

I think there was a move during that time. We moved from one state to another. She started a new school—new state, new school. That could have triggered it a little bit. She was also put into an advanced academics class. I just have always wondered if that maybe spurred on some of that comparison thing of, “Why am I in this class? I don’t even feel like I’m that smart.” There was something, and that kind of triggered some of that anxiety.

Mariah: I don’t know.

Dannah: Satan will use anything. God can use anything to draw us to Him. And at the same time, in this epic battle for our souls, Satan will use anything to draw us away from God.

Brent: Without a doubt.

Dannah: I think there are a lot of girls who at the age of eight, nine, ten, eleven, feel the same confusion that you were feeling, Mariah.

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: We did a survey when I partnered with Nancy to write Lies Girls Believe. We asked 1500 church-going girls if they were Christians. And of those who said, “Yes, I am a Christian,” only 30 percent could actually verbalize what it means to become a Christian and how to be one. So this isn’t an isolated story. We’re talking about the majority of girls that age are probably putting on the name tag Christian and saying, “Yeah, this works.”

Mariah: Right.

Dannah: Where does that lead to? Where did it lead you to by high school and college?

Mariah: I think that it led me to always consider myself in the right standing that I have with God. I was always looking to me because I thought that it was up to me. For a long time it was just this vigorous religion of, “All right. I’ve got to do this, this, and this to maintain this relationship with God.”

I was always a good kid, too. I was a fairly good kid growing up, and so there wasn’t a lot of shame quite yet. But then as I got older, I went off to college to be a volleyball player. That was kind of where my identity had stemmed from. Playing volleyball started the whole role of being an athlete. I loved it. My parents both were athletes. That was the identity I wanted to claim because it was so much easier to get approval and praise in that setting. I just loved it. It was so much easier. And then I was also in a relationship at the time. 

Both of them crumbled at the same time in just pretty pivotal ways. I just remember looking around after both of those things were crumbling and just saying, “Okay, who am I now? Whose am I?” Those questions just left me with a lot of panic, too, because I was so far removed from God.

I remember one of my friends at the time, I was maybe a sophomore in college . . .I don’t if she was in close enough proximity to realize that I didn’t get it, or if she was just a good friend, but she invited me to a conference. That was the largest gathering of people that I had come into contact with who had this testimony and this story of knowing what they were saved from. They had this joy and this peace and this love that they felt from Christ. They were actually in relationship with Jesus.

I remember going into that conference, putting on that name tag and thinking, Oh my goodness. This is not my story. I’m dealing with massive identity issues, massive panic attacks, and I have no idea how to verbalize this thing that I’ve been claiming for years. I felt like such a liar. I felt like a Christian with a defect.

And so, instead of leaning into that weekend and saying, “How did you all get to this point?” I totally backed out and tried to find the freedom and the peace and the identity on my own terms, and that is what led to quite the spiral.

Dannah: Quite the spiral. Tell me about that.

Mariah: Yeah. I mean, Christ is in all things. I just tried to do everything without Him. I just tried to do everything without Him. I was able to play volleyball again, and so I picked up that identity and said, “All right, I’m going to run with this one again.”

I was an adult, and so I could make a lot more grown-up decisions. I had just started struggling with substance abuse and finding my identity again in just all the wrong things. It just kept on leaving me broken. It just kept on leaving me with such little hope.

Dannah: Yeah. Brent, at what point did you begin to see that maybe she’s not really believing what she’s living?

Brent: I think a little bit turning into high school. She was gravitating towards some people or even a boyfriend she was bringing home. They’re like, “Hmmm, that’s interesting.” 

And then college for sure. There seemed to be a growing disconnect where there was just more and more wondering. I was just like, “Boy, I just don’t think she gets this.”I was feeling just so disconnected from her, from a father to a daughter.

But also just from as Christian. It was a, “I don’t know if they’re a Christian.” And usually our hearts are knit together or souls can be knit together, or whatever. You just kind of know how you can meet someone even at Target, a stranger, and you’re like, “I think they’re a believer.” You’re talking to them. And with Mariah it was just, “I don’t think she’s a believer. I don’t think she gets this. I just don’t think it’s there. I think she’s lost, and I don’t know if she wants to be found,” so to speak.

Dannah: What about you, Lisa?

Lisa: Yeah, that is late high school, for sure, just some things I guess we found out, or she would confess, a few things here and there. And we were just, I would say, not necessarily surprised, but still a little bit in shock, because, like she said, she was a good girl. She didn’t get in trouble.

She wasn’t rebellious in the sense that you might think of a rebellious child just always being naughty and always getting in trouble. She never got in trouble at school or at home or anything. 

Brent: She was a late bloomer.

Lisa: She was a late bloomer getting in trouble. So as she was a late bloomer getting in trouble, we had a younger one expediting the . . .

Brent: Yes, we were sidetracked by another one. That’s a whole other story. We were not able to concentrate as much on what was going on with Mariah, plus she was out of the house when a lot of the stuff was going on with the other one.

Lisa: I just remember visiting her, not her freshman year, I think it was her sophomore year. She moved out into a house with some friends. We came for a weekend and went into her house, and there was some alcohol and stuff in this fridge. I remember asking her, “Why are you living with a bunch of people that drink so much?” 

She just played it off. She was just like, “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s just sometimes on the weekends they’ll drink.”

Dannah: And all the while it was her. She was drinking.

Lisa: All the while it was her. It’s hard to explain. I don’t think anybody would ever say that we were the type of parents to look the other way, or we were so oblivious, or we were working so much that we didn’t pay attention to what our kids' needs were. She just hid it really, really well.

She put on another face really, really well. She also chose to get baptized when she was thirteen and her dad, as her pastor, had to interview her for that. She had to proclaim, “Jesus is my Lord and Savior,” with words for that to happen. And so she had the words, but it just wasn’t in her heart.

It was really confusing for her and for us because she could say the right things and really look the part. But we also knew from late teens, early twenties, that there was a definite disconnect. It was at that phase in parenting where you can’t ground them, you can’t punish them, you can’t send them to their room, or whatever. You’re just nurturing with as much prayer and love and guidance and consistency in how we helped direct things for her. But it was really confusing during those years.

Dannah: Yes. Mariah, it sounds like the spiral is what we would identify as a prodigal’s journey in that you’re no longer propped up by the name tag. Had you taken the name tag off at that point, you’re no longer calling yourself a Christian during that time?

Mariah: Well, I wasn’t not calling myself a Christian, but I was just disengaged from all things Christian. I was just disengaged. I didn’t really go to church anymore. I was on a college campus, and so I didn’t care so much about the presentation, but I did care so much for it before in the first years of college. I was at a Christian college.

Dannah: So tell me, did your parents know the depths of what you were struggling with at that point?

Mariah: I think at that point they probably did because my dad would ask me a lot, “Do you ever feel like you’re living in two worlds? Do you ever feel like there’s this opposition within you where you’re just not living in one world?

Dannah: He was asking you if you were being double minded.

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: But he was doing it with gentleness and kindness.

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: I like that.

What did you think of your parents' faith during this time? You said a moment ago when you were at a gathering with people it was the first time you were around people where they verbalized it. I’m kind of thinking maybe your mom and dad could do that, too. Like, they could verbalize what they were saved from. So was there ever in the back of your mind, “Yeah, I want to run away from this, but my parents . . .”?

Mariah: Yes. There was. I was mad at them, and I was jealous of them at the same time, because they were just rocks. I mean, they were just rocks of the faith. They both just somewhere along their own lives decided. They were just resolute in this decision that “God is good, and He is worth living for, and He has saved me from what I could never do on my own.” They lived in that place, and it just produced such fruit in their life. I didn’t get it. I didn’t get the connection. I didn’t get that it was surrender that enabled them to do that so freely and with such joy.

And so, again, kind of in that same thread of thought process when I was at that conference, I wanted it, but I was so angry because I thought they were lying, because I claimed to be a Christian, and I was not experiencing any of those things. I was just like, “They just must be deceived. They must be the deceived ones. I’m going to truly find the joy and the peace and all of these things, and the freedom, because they’re just deceived.” 

Dannah: A very confusing time.

Mariah: Very confusing.

Dannah: Okay. I wonder if you’d take me to . . . I know what it’s like to walk through some dark years of wandering from Jesus. There are dark nights. Can you take us to one of yours?

Mariah: I remember my uncle’s funeral. I was super close to my uncle. He was my dad’s only brother. And growing up I had seen a lot of the same characteristics and qualities that I was talking about that my dad had and my mom had. He was such a role model for me, and I just loved him in that same vein that I love my dad in. He passed away almost five years ago now, super suddenly. He was forty-two, and left behind three kids. He’d known his wife since they were kids.

I remember being at that funeral. At that point I was in what would be the epicenter of me running from the Lord. That would be the epicenter of my darkness. I remember being at that funeral and just standing next to his casket and looking down at this man who looks so much like my own dad, and now he’s just gone.

I did not understand because there were people flooding that church, just coming in left and right saying, “Because your uncle loved the Lord, my kids are saved now,” or “My marriage is saved now,” or “My prodigal son came home,” or whatever. They were just talking about him in such a powerful way, and I was like, “How did he do that? How was he able to do this?”

And every single time, the common thread was because he loved the Lord. I just remember after the service we were worshiping, and we were singing, “Good, Good, Father.” I was just,, “No. You’re not. No. You’re not because You took this person when he was actually doing something for You, and You didn’t take me off the face of the earth, and I can’t do anything right.”

It was just this thing, just this constant battle of nature. I just kept on thinking that I could somehow do it on my own, do it on my own and save myself and create this own genesis for myself.

I remember at that funeral I tried to decide. I was like, “All right, this is it. I’m going to clean up my life, and I’m going to start to live this life that is super impactful, and people are loved, and their lives are changed.” But I didn’t get lordship, and I didn’t get surrender. So I walked away from that just putting a pretty blanket over a pile of trash and thinking that it was going to do something different for me, and it didn’t.

I remember a few months after making decisions that I said I would never ever do again, and that just being the darkest night because I was terrified of myself. I was so terrified of myself. I was, like, “I can’t even do this. I can’t even create my own genesis because I can’t stop doing the things I don’t want to do, and I can’t do the things that I do want to do.”

Dannah: I think somebody wrote something like that in the book of Romans. You’re talking about sin.

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: You’re talking about making decisions to medicate the pain. Right?

Mariah: Yes.

Dannah: Is that what you were doing? Were you medicating?

Mariah: Absolutely. I had my first drink when I was in high school. I didn’t feel addicted at the time because I could go a year or so without it. Then in college it was social. It was just kind of fun in that we were doing it together as teams or friends or whatever. It wasn’t super dangerous yet at that point.

But then when I decided to transfer to that Christian college, I was in Minneapolis. I was in a city where it was much more available and accessible to dive into that life. And for me, that was the vehicle for me to be free. Like, I was just, “All right.” I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t stop drinking. For me, there was just not one drink.

It was an escape, and I went headfirst into that to try to either excuse anything that I, that my sin, my nature, wanted to do. I was like, “Well, if I’m just drinking” it wasn’t really me. It was just the drink that did that. And it was also this thing where I could try to escape from. I just wanted somebody else to blame besides myself.

Nancy: That’s Mariah Halvorsen, along with her parents, Brent and Lisa. We’re going to hear how God brought life into Mariah’s dead heart tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts. Maybe as you’re listening today, you’re resonating with what Mariah has been describing. Maybe you’re thinking, Yes! That’s exactly how I feel. I’m dead inside. I know how to play along, but I also know my life is barren. I’m not thriving. I’m not fruitful.

Listen, you don’t need to wait to hear the rest of Mariah’s story before you give your life to Jesus Christ. He’s the water that your soul is thirsty for. And whatever you’ve been trying to fill it with, you’ll never be satisfied until you have Jesus.

As He said to the woman at the well in John chapter 4, “Everyone who drinks of this water [this earthly water] will be thirsty again. But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” That’s from John 4:13–14.

So if the Lord is speaking to your heart right now, and you know you need Him, why don’t you first of all just talk right to Him about it. Then contact us and get a copy of a book my friend Dr. Erwin Lutzer has written. It’s called, How You Can Be Sure You Will Spend Eternity with God.

He explains in clear, understandable terms what it means to find a personal relationship with Jesus. You’ll find a link to that book in the transcript of today’s program at ReviveOurHearts.com. Or you can ask about it when you call us. I’ll give you that number in just a minute.

But for the rest of us listening, would you just take a moment to pray that God would work in some powerful ways in people’s hearts right now at this very moment? There are women, men, younger people, older people, the Lord knows, to place their faith in Christ.

And thank You, Lord, for the power of the gospel, for the power of Christ to save and to deliver and to take us from barrenness to fruitfulness, to give us eternal life. I just pray that this would be a moment of salvation, a day of salvation for someone, someones, who are listening today. Would You do that work by the power of Your Spirit, I pray, in Jesus’ name, amen.

Now, before we close, just a quick reminder that here in December we’re asking the Lord to provide for our needs as a ministry so we can keep sharing the life-giving gospel of Jesus Christ with women around the world. A huge chunk of the ministry’s finances comes in at the end of the year, and we’d love to hear from you at this time.

Your donation any time this month will be matched by a group of generous friends of this ministry. To contact us with your donation, just head to our website, ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

Now, today we heard about the darkness, the deadness in Mariah’s heart. Tomorrow, we’ll hear about how the Son—s-o-n—pierced through those clouds of sin and doubt to gloriously redeem Mariah. She’ll be back, along with her parents, Brent and Lisa, and, of course, Dannah Gresh.

I hope you’ll join us as we’re all reminded that God is in the business of reviving our hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth is calling you to find freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ alone.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.