Empathizing with Your Pastor’s Wife, with Jani Ortlund

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Today’s episode of Revive Our Hearts is sponsored in part by members of our Monthly Partner Team. We just want you to know how much your support means to us! Thank you so much for your support.

Dannah Gresh: Here’s author and longtime pastor’s wife, Jani Ortlund.

Jani Ortlund: What you are doing may not seem to be effective or fruitful in God’s grand scheme, but God is always at work, and He uses even our meager efforts!

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Adorned, for October 7, 2022. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Nancy: As we’ve been mentioning all this week, this is Pastor Appreciation Month. Here at Revive Our Hearts we want to do whatever we can to help you put into practice what we read in Hebrews 13:7. It says, “Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.”

One of the leaders in your church who can easily be forgotten is your pastor’s wife. Maybe you have multiple pastors in your church. Let me just remind you that these women need encouragement, too.

One of the ways we can encourage them is by giving the gift of empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes, think about some of the unique pressures that they might experience simply by virtue of being a pastor’s wife.

At our recent True Woman ‘22 conference in Indianapolis, one of the breakout sessions was led by a longtime dear friend of mine, Jani Ortlund. Jani is the wife of Ray Ortlund (whose dad, by the way, was my pastor when I was in college). 

Ray Ortlund, Jr. served as a pastor for nearly fifty year. Jani and Ray together lead a ministry, Renewal Ministries. Jani hosts a podcast called “He Restores My Soul.” She’s the author of a book that’s called Help! I’m Married to My Pastor!

This book is full of practical encouragement for ministry wives and those who love them. We don’t have time today to share everything Jani said in that breakout session a couple of weeks ago, but today we want to hit some of the highlights.

As you listen, ask God to give you a greater degree of appreciation for the stresses that your pastor’s wife—or the wives of the pastors in your church—may experience. Let’s listen together. Here’s Jani Ortlund speaking to a group of women, many of whom are pastors’ wives themselves.

Jani: I’m sure you can identify with this lady who called me a while back. Although her voice was new to me, her story was not. “I need help,” her voice quivered, then she caught her breath and went on.

I love my husband. I love my children. I am totally committed to the Lord Jesus Christ. But how do I weed out the roots of bitterness and resentment that are beginning to grow in my ugly heart? How do I fight for hope in the midst of the darkness closing in around me? It seems that someone is always unhappy!

My dear husband has his Master’s degree, and yet our finances are a huge stressor, putting a strain on our marriage. And the day that should be the most joyful of the whole week has become the hardest!

I’m wondering, Jani, is this sustainable over the long haul? Will I make it? What I really want to know is, tell me, is it worth it?

Now, if you have asked any of those questions, I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to leave today encouraged, refreshed, and believing—along with me—that, “Yes! It is worth it!”

In our time together I want to do three things: I want to acknowledge you. I want to acknowledge the difficulties. I want you to feel seen. I want to acknowledge you. Secondly, I want to help us embrace His promises. I want you to feel refreshed, that you will indeed be rewarded one day. And then, thirdly, I want to ask you to take a new step forward, and convince you that it really is worth it.

So let’s start with that first area of acknowledging the difficulties of what our kind heavenly Father has called us into. I’m sure some of you have grown up thinking, I love the Lord. Maybe He’ll let me marry a Christian pastor or minister.

Others of you got married, and then your husband did an about face and said, “I want to go to seminary.” There’s a whole mix in here. There’s no formula for how we all got here. But I want you to know that you are seen—and not just by this little seventy-two-year-old lady standing up here looking at you—but by our heavenly Father, who called you to your exact place of service.

Now, let’s acknowledge some of the stresses I’ve had to deal with and I imagine you are as well. Ray and I have been in ministry together now almost fifty-one years. One of the first stressors that I felt in ministry was loneliness. I didn’t realize how lonely the ministry would be, because it seemed like everybody wanted to get to know the pastor’s wife.

But especially if there are no other ministry wives near you that you can relate to, and maybe you’re planting a church, and maybe your husband is a campus pastor and there aren’t other ministry wives, or if he’s just a regular old pastor and there are no other pastor wives in your congregation . . . It can be hard to form relationships with other women. Oftentimes I found when we entered into a pastorate, they knew who I was but I didn’t know who they were. They’d introduce themselves, but I couldn’t keep them all straight!

Oftentimes the women in our congregation had existing relationships that had gone on for decades. I mean, they were really close friends. Or other times, I sensed there was maybe a little bit of a mixed motive in their wanting to get to know me. I wondered if she wanted to get close to the center of leadership in the church.

Or what about if you’re a church planter? Are there any church planters in this room? Well, you probably have formed some deep pretty deep friendships with those who began the church with you, who planted with you. Then your husband makes a decision that someone doesn’t agree with, and your friend is gone, without a word!

How do you deal with the shock, the disappointment? It’s just very, very difficult. You feel lonely because there is no one you can be totally open with in the flock. You can’t tell them about the elders’ meeting! You can’t tell them about the marriage problems over which your husband and you were counseling with another couple—you can’t! You can’t share.

And you don’t want to burden your already overwhelmed husband. I don’t often feel free to . . . I mean, Ray would feel bad for me to say this, but I don’t want to add more burdens to him. I want to take them from him and help him and support him.

Who really knows you? Who really understands you? Who can you be open and vulnerable with? Who can you cry with? Being a pastor’s wife can be very lonely! Or what about your children? Being a pastor’s wife can add a certain stress to how you mother your kids. Someone always seems to be watching.

Whether it’s the nursery worker who feebly smiles as you forcibly pry your two-year-old’s arms from around your neck and hand your screaming two-year-old once again into her arms. Or if it’s the music director, trying to save his priceless Gibson guitar from your preschooler’s curious hands. Or the visitors trying to talk with you and your husband after the service as your ten-year-old skillfully climbs the acorn tree in the parking lot and shoots acorns at those other obedient children walking to their family car. Ask me how I know! (laughter) You don’t want to raise your children in the public eye, but there’s no way not to.

So you feel caught, and you want more than anything else for those precious children to love the Lord Jesus Christ with all their hearts and to understand—and even embrace—the sacred privilege of ministry. 

You don’t want them to grow up hating ministry, you want them to love it. You want them to see some of the joys and rewards of serving Jesus by caring for His church. But you also struggle with the burdens of caring for so many needs. How do you live before those who know you best in ways that are both real and radiant? 

What about your husband—that pastor you sleep with! (laughter) But that man you married, oh how you love him! You see him behind the scenes, and you know how much he cares and how hard he is working! You’re his sounding board. You wonder how best to handle the disappointment or discouragement or even the depression he’s dealing with. You thought your marriage would look and feel different than what you are experiencing right now.

And what about your budget? If you are planting a church, your salary may not be as secure as you had hoped for when you were taking out loans for your husband’s seminary training.

What about his schedule? You didn’t realize how hard evenings and Saturdays could be as he works so hard to fulfill God’s call on his life. How do you keep the romance alive under these kinds of pressures?

Well, what about Sundays!? Give me a break! (laughter) Oh, my goodness! A day of rest? My Sabbath? That’s not our Sabbath! Sundays bear a very unique strain for pastors’ wives. We often see our husband off early in the morning, hoping he gets a good breakfast and a warm embrace from us with a promise that we’ll be praying. Then we start getting the children dressed and fed and into the car and into their various classes, or maybe sitting next to us in church . . . but often we sit alone. Then afterwards we need to round up the children and get them home while the pastor greets people and then oftentimes closes up the building . . . and maybe even brings home some surprise guests for lunch! (laughter)

Sundays can be a very hard day for ministry wives, because on Monday—especially if you have children—you can’t take Monday off. Even if your husband wants to have a day off with you, it’s difficult when you have children at home because they have to get up and either attend homeschool or school where they are attending outside the home. Either way, your job keeps going.

I see you. I understand. Even more importantly, your heavenly Father sees you. We could list other difficulties, but let’s not camp there. (You see that I’ve been some of the places you’ve been.) Let’s move on to God’s wonderful promises, and let’s learn to be refreshed by them and embrace them as our very own!

First of all, let me say this: you will be rewarded! It may not be in the way you’re hoping for right now, with a housekeeper every other week or a big raise or an obedient child (laughter), but you will be rewarded. We’re going to look at some verses about that.

Let me say this: there are no surprises in your ministry, no surprises to God. He has a plan, and He’s working it. You are a part of that plan as much as your husband is! Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God beforehand, that we should walk in them.” 

God is not surprised by what you’re going through—even that painful experience. When you look to Christ and trust Him, that very pain can be one of the good works that God prepared beforehand for you to walk in. You see, it proves to you and to your family that your faith is not mere words. It is reality being worked out through your heart and your mind and your mouth.

Not only are there no surprises to God, there are no shortages. Philippians 4:19 (you know this): “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory”—and He’s pretty wealthy! Every need—physical, emotional, spiritual, financial. 

God doesn’t promise how or when He will, but the verb in this verse is still “will”—God will, not God can. He’s not asking you just to trust Him for some theoretical, theological truth. He is asking you to trust Him for what He will do . . . we just don’t know when.

It’s not that God is only able, He’s willing! Don’t give up! Wait on the Lord! I can tell you that not one of His promises has ever failed the Ortlund family through the ages—despite difficulties, hardships, a lost baby, financial do-do, all sorts of trouble. 

Not only are there no surprises and no shortages, but there are sweet rewards! Colossians 3:23–24:

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

As a pastor’s wife, I’ve found the next verse in that chapter helpful to me. Colossians 3:25 says this:

For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he [is doing], and there is no partiality.

There are sweet rewards for you as work heartily for the Lord.

Let’s take God at His Word! He will keep you all the way to the end. As 1 Thessalonians 5:23–24 says, “. . . may your whole spirit and soul and body . . .” Don’t you like that? All of you! Paul is saying may all of you—your whole spirit and soul and body “be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. [Now listen to this:] He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”

If He called you, He will do it. You’re not alone. Now, I want to encourage you to take a new step forward. It will be worth it. How can you go home more ready to serve the Lord Jesus, more ready to love your husband well? More ready to care for your children and to serve your church?

Well, here’s the first one you might think about: admit to yourself that ministry is a crisis vocation! We’re laughing because it’s true! It is a crisis vocation.

Think through what drains you, what sucks the life out of you. As best you can, choose which situations you will allow to become emergencies—in your heart, in your marriage, in your home. Coach yourself as you would coach one of those people that come to you for counsel.

Coach yourself on how to practice a Sabbath rest. It’s hard, but it is a commandment. I believe God gave us those commandments out of love. I call them His loving law. He loves us through them. How can you take a Sabbath rest? What does that look like? How can you plan periods of catch up and renewal?

Admit to yourself that resting is not a sin, it is a commandment. Admit to yourself that finding a way to regroup, to rethink, is a way to keep moving forward. It’s not stalling. Talk it through with your husband.

We had our first three children very close, in less than three years. Early on, I just could not have a quiet time in the morning very regularly. There was always one that was up early or sick with an ear infection or . . . you know how it goes. 

And so Ray would help me as best he could. One night I remember waking him up—Dane was nine months and Christa was a year-and-a-half, and Eric was two-and-a-half. At nine months, Dane (this boy who wrote Gentle and Lowly) had not learned to sleep through the night—at nine months, can you believe it?! I was not a gentle and lowly mother at that point!

But I remember that night that I’d been up for a long time (felt like since he was born!). Somehow our husbands can sleep through crying babies. Is that true in your house? I remember this particular night; I was really exhausted and frustrated!

Dane was crying, and I was going to get up and get him. I said, “No, I’m not!” I started crying. Well, Ray didn’t wake up, and he’s right here! So then I started shaking, shaking. And he says, “What’s wrong, Jan? What’s wrong, is the house on fire?!”

“No! Dane is crying again. He has been for the last nine months, and I’m tired! Waaa. (I kept crying.)”

He said, “Okay, okay, don’t worry. I get it!”

He called a friend of mine and had me go sleep there. He gave me a twenty-four-hour mini-retreat. I went and slept there.

I came home the next day and asked, “Did Dane cry?”

He said, “I don’t know. He never wakes me up during the night!” (laughter)

But it did help me. I was able to get a full night’s sleep, and I realized Dane could sleep the full night without me giving him a little snorkel of milk . . . so there! He learned.

We have to learn how to take little breaks. Maybe it’s with another woman in your church, where you exchange children. I did this later on when the kids were a little older, we exchanged Tuesday mornings. We promised each other that while we were away, we would only do restful things. 

We’d take our Bible, read a psalm, read a book, get a good cup of tea somewhere, something that would be soul-fulfilling. So twice a month I had three hours to go away. Ministry is a crisis vocation. Learn how to rest, plan for it. Rest is not a sin; it’s a commandment.

Now, in this crisis vocation that you’re involved in, please try not to be a loner--hard as it is. Pray about and work toward developing a genuine biblical relationship with another pastor’s wife, or even a couple if your husband desires this, too.

If she lives in another city and you can’t get together, schedule a Facetime once a week or at least an email connection where you’re saying, “Pray for me in this way and let me pray for you.” Take Isaiah 42:16 to heart. Maybe you could meditate on it with your pastor’s-wife friend. 

It says this:

And I will lead the blind
   in a way that they do not know,
   in paths that they have not known
I will guide them.
[He can guide you into paths of rest, even if you’ve never known them.]

I will turn the darkness before them into light,
   the rough places into level ground. [Don’t you love that?]
These are the things I do,
   and I do not forsake them.

Ask God to do that for you.

Another step, along with acknowledging that ministry is a crisis vocation, is beware of fix-him fever--which many of us pastor wives struggle with. I do. Early on in ministry I felt that God asked me to marry Ray so that I could fix him! I mean, come on! Why else would He bring this wonderful woman to this pastor? So I could help him see where he could improve!

That really works in a marriage, doesn’t it? Hmm, poor Ray! He was so patient with me! I thought that would make everyone happy. But I learned through my many mistakes that I just can’t please all the people who come to me with their complaints.

I mean, I had some of the silliest complaints—from how to pronounce a missionary’s name to which side of his suit coat he should wear his lapel pin on. I just thought, Oh, Mrs. McGillicuddy will be happy if you follow that. Uh, Honey, listen! Wow. It needs to be okay with us that we can’t please all the people all the time.

Some of you who have heard me speak have heard me tell the story of my own fix-him fever episode that helped me. It was one Sunday night. We were pastoring a large rather formal church that had two morning services and then a separate evening service, and there would be two different sermons.

Ray would preach the same sermon twice Sunday morning and a different sermon Sunday night. It’s a wonderful church. Oh, we loved that church! But you can imagine how tired Ray was by the end of a Sunday night.

We’d always talk it through. Do your husbands say, “Well, how do you think it went, Honey?” And they want to hear, “It really went well. The Lord really used you!” You want to tell them the truth, and there are truths in that, but somehow I could always find something to fix.

That night I remember, after I’d told Ray a couple things that some very sweet older women had passed on to me for my pastor to know—rather than me saying, “Why don’t you make an appointment with him?” They were making me be the go-between, but I hadn’t learned yet.

I was telling Ray (and I was talking so quickly he couldn’t get a word in edgewise), so he just kind of put his finger over my lips. I got the idea that maybe he wanted my lips to stop moving for a minute.

He took me in those big handsome arms of his, and he looked me in the eye with his big Ray Ortlund blue eyes, and said, “Jan, can I tell you something?”

And I said, “Oh, yes, Honey, tell me.”

He said, “Every man on the face of this earth needs one person—just one!—who isn’t trying to fix him, who thinks he’s okay. One who is trusting the Lord to fix him. Would you be willing to be that person for me?”

Oh, boy, howdy, I didn’t want anybody else signing up for that job! (laughter)

“Yes! Me! Me, your wife!”

I know that there are things (because you married a human) that you see maybe that could be done differently. Forget it! Leave it!

If it’s that important, God will show him—or maybe an elder, or maybe that other wife will make an appointment with him and talk with him—not us! As we walk out this door, let’s leave fix-him fever here! I do not think it is of the Lord. Be the one person in the world who is not trying to fix your husband and change him. Enjoy him, accept him as he is! 

Then, let me tell you this. Jesus is worth it! All ministry, whether it’s feeding the children at home while your husband goes off on his own to church, and you getting them there on your own, that’s ministry. It’s an open-handed sacrifice to our King of kings, where we say, “I surrender all!” And we need to keep surrendering all.

“Your labor [in the Lord] is not in vain.” (1 Cor. 15:58) What you are doing may not seem to be effective or fruitful in God’s grand scheme, but God is always at work and He uses even our meager efforts—cooking a healthy meal for your husband to keep him strong to serve, going to yet another baby shower for a church member when she has no idea of your own longing for a baby, giving to the church’s building campaign, sacrificially, when your own home is still a financial drain on you. Your labor is weighty. It is never in vain. It is profitable in God’s economy, which is the only economy that is eternal!

Jesus is a good and kind and wise leader. Psalm 84:11 says,

For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
[He gives light and protection.]
   the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
   from those who walk uprightly.

He’s not stingy, and He determines what is good. 

We can trust Him! Nothing that is good will ever be withheld from you by your loving Father. That might be hard for you to see right now, but trust Him. Every word of His proves true!

Father, I thank You for each woman here, and each marriage represented, each ministry that You have called into existence. Lord, we’re doing this for You, we’re doing it with You, we’re doing it through You.

We want You to get the glory, and we need Your help! So, Father, reach down into each heart—You know the individual needs, and I pray that You would minister to Your ministers, in Jesus’ name, amen.

Nancy: Amen. That’s Jani Ortlund, who’s written a book called Help! I’m Married to My Pastor! She was sharing in one of the breakout sessions at the recent True Woman conference. Even for those of us who aren’t married to a pastor, I thought this session would be helpful for all of us to understand some of the challenges that come with the territory of being a pastor’s wife.

So here’s what I want you to do: today, take out a pen and paper or get a nice note card and jot down an encouraging note for your pastor’s wife. And if you’re not much of a letter writer, you might just want to send her a text saying, “I appreciate you; I’m grateful for you. Thank you for the ways you serve the Lord here in our church.”

In fact, I’ve been texting with my pastor’s wife this morning because this is her birthday week, and I wanted her to know how grateful I am for the many ways she blesses our church family. So however you do it, take a moment to think through what you want to say, and then find a creative way to bring some joy and encouragement into her life today.

Now just a little sidenote here: whenever we talk about pastors’ wives, someone invariably contacts us and says, “What about pastors who are women?” Well, I’ll just say, that’s a subject for another program. In fact, we have talked about that in the past here on Revive Our Hearts.

For now, it’s probably enough to just explain that I believe that Scripture teaches that the office of elder and pastor is reserved for men. I understand that not everyone agrees with that interpretation, maybe you don’t. 

But that’s our position here at Revive Our Hearts. Regardless of where you land on that, I think we could all agree that we need to do a better job of encouraging and supporting those who shepherd our souls.

Dannah: Yes, thanks Nancy. I know some were probably wondering about that. And what a blessing to hear from Jani Ortlund today! She spent many years as a pastor’s wife, and her words today were such an encouragement! 

We’ve included a link to more information about her book in the transcript of today’s program at our website. The book is titled Help! I’m Married to My Pastor!: Encouragement for Ministry Wives and Those Who Love Them. 

Also, while you’re at ReviveOurHearts.com, check out Nancy’s new booklet Let’s Go to Church. It’s an interactive resource that will help you think through your participation in the services at your church—things like how to prepare for those services, how to get the most out of a sermon. 

There’s also a section for those who are involved in teaching the Word to others and a thirty-day guide for praying for your pastor. This month we’ll send you a copy of Let’s Go to Church as a thank you for your donation of any amount in support of Revive Our Hearts. Just ask for it when you contact us with your donation.

To do that, visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. Next week we’ll hear from another pastor’s wife, Gloria Furman. She’ll be here to help us understand how all of us can treasure Christ when our hands are full. Have a good weekend! We’ll see you back on Monday for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth wants you to be a blessing to your pastor and your pastor’s wife. It’s part of freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

All Scripture is taken from the ESV.

 

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