Finding Freedom in Suffering

Dannah Gresh: Even though doctors measure Colleen Chao’s remaining days in weeks or months, she says she can still be at peace.

Colleen Chao: I can be still in my soul because God is good, and He’s with me, and He’s designing these things for pure joy. Psalm 16 talks about that, “eternal pleasures at Your right hand.”

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, coauthor of You Can Trust God to Write Your Story, for December 14, 2021. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: If I were to ask you when you’ve grown the most in your life, spiritually speaking, how would you respond? When have you learned the most important lessons from the Lord? Was it when you were going through times of smooth sailing, or was it when you were in turbulent, stormy waters? 

I think most of us can point to moments of difficulty and trials and we can say with the psalmist in Psalm 119, “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word” (v. 67). He said, “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn Your statutes” (v. 71).

Dannah: So true! Affliction, difficulty, times when the road is long and hard—those are the times when we often end up saying we grew the most.

Nancy: I know that’s been true for Robert and me over the past couple of years. We would not have chosen to have cancer in our story, but God chose it, and those have been some of the sweetest growing times in our marriage and in my relationship with the Lord as well. I look back and I thank Him for those times, for those hardships. 

I think about another woman that we heard from yesterday whose life illustrates this beautifully. Her name is Colleen Chao. We heard yesterday about some of the ways that God has been stretching her in her journey through stage four cancer, especially as it relates to her love for her husband and her ten-year-old son.

If you missed that episode, I want to encourage you to go back and listen to it. You can catch it on the Revive Our Hearts app or at ReviveOurHearts.com. It’s a deeply moving story.

Some members of our team traveled to the Chaos’ home in Idaho to sit down with her and talk about some of the things the Lord has been teaching her in these days of uncertainty and suffering. My prayer is that, no matter what you’re going through right now, Colleen’s faith and what she’s discovering of the faithfulness of God will be a strong encouragement to you.

Colleen: I’ve talked often about the crushing of Colleen, because man, at eighteen years old I had the world on a string. I was going to change the world. I was either going to be a missionary or a pastor’s wife. I was so ambitious and driven, and it was for good stuff. It was stuff God had put on my heart, but it was so full of me still that in my twenties I began a journey—probably even from eighteen years old on. I began a journey of being humbled and (I’ve said over and over again) being crushed. 

God has not let up, I would say, for probably twenty-five years of sending me circumstances and situations that would sift me out of things and make sure that His dreams were my dreams, and not my dreams taking the shape of me and what I thought it would look like to minister to people or what ministry meant. He was rewriting those things and redefining what it meant to walk with Him and serve people and love people. He’s done that through hardship.

Nancy: For Colleen, that hardship came in the form (for a time) of singleness. It also came in the form of chronic illness and the health challenges that her son faced. Now, Colleen is continuing to learn to submit to God’s will as she faces terminal cancer.

She says that one thing that affected her perspective was reading Christian biographies.

Colleen: You know what has shaped me, besides Scripture and an intimate relationship with Christ and experiencing His presence, has been the stories of past saints, past believers who grew up in a context where they suffered far beyond anything I’ve ever suffered. I always go back to their stories, especially in times of acute suffering, and it puts things in perspective for me. It helps me to have a little bit of a lighter heart and a more measured perspective on my own suffering, to reflect on these people who did count it all joy. 

I mean, you go back to Paul, who was happy. He considered it a privilege to suffer for Christ’s name. We don’t do that. That is not in our natural response: “Oh, I’m so grateful God has counted me worthy of suffering for Him.” That is not my inclination.

But when I study the lives of these believers who went before me and suffered in such incredible ways . . . The life of John Patton, you read about all the losses in his life and all the health issues and the near-death experiences and the relationships, the missionaries that would leave the field, and he was alone. It was just one loss after another grief after another loss. I’ll read a biography like that and I’m strengthened.

I can go into another day with a lighter heart and be able to laugh and be able to remember who I am. God’s created me to suffer and to enter into the fellowship of His sufferings. That’s why I’m here. It’s not to have a comfortable life; it’s not to have ease; it’s not to be successful or be an influencer. He’s called to enter in—like C.S. Lewis said, “Further up and further in.” So that’s joy. To be in Christ’s presence is joy, and Christ’s presence is often, for me, mostly keenly felt in suffering. There is a unique joy and purpose and mission when I am walking closely with Him in suffering.

I think through suffering, the joy has increased instead of decreasing or fading. God’s been gracious. I think it’s the result of surrounding myself with the stories of those past believers who model for me what it means to suffer in joy.

Suffering has been freeing. When left to my own devices, the bent is toward that pride and that selfishness and short-sightedness. But when suffering comes—and it’s come in different forms over the years—it forces me into Christ. It doesn’t give me an option. It’s, “Where else can I go, Lord? You have the words of life.”

Those words of life are alive when life is hard, and I don’t feel them as keenly when life is good and easy. So the suffering forces me into Christ. It’s like what Spurgeon said, “I have learned to kiss the wave that dashes me against the Rock of Ages.” God has used sufferings to force me into Himself, and that is freedom. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

For me, it’s taken hardship to force me into Him, to force me to experience Him and His love like I could never have experienced had life been easy. This suffering has been fashioned by God to take away the Colleen stuff that doesn’t need to be there, so that then I can live out of the heart that He has given me, that I can truly be the Colleen He’s been growing me more and more to be, like Him, and not have those small dreams. Like C.S. Lewis says, it’s like a child being content to play in a slum, in a mud puddle in a slum, instead of a vacation. I think in the early years I was content with the mud slum of my dreams, instead of understanding that God’s dreams are so much greater and so much more beautiful. They last into eternity.

So the crushing has had to happen so that I could live into His eternal realities and dreams for me.

Nancy: Psalm 90:12 says, “So teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom.” As Colleen faces what, humanly speaking, looks like the end of her earthly days, she says that verse has meant a lot to her.

Colleen: I have never felt the reality of that more than now, just knowing that there aren’t many days left, according to the information we have right now. Knowing that makes not only the days feel sacred and weighty, but the hours and the moments. There are moments that just—I’m soaking it all in in a new way, knowing how fragile this life is, and how it goes in a blink. Whether it’s twenty years or ninety years, it’s fast.

All the Scriptures that talk about being a vapor, or “My life is a handbreadth,” or inches long, or a mist that disappears, or grass that’s mown overnight. These are realities for all of us. But when you’re faced with the reality that this is coming soon for me (most likely, it seems), then those truths take on a whole new weight and reality.

He has put eternity into our hearts (maybe Augustine said that). So eternity’s been wired into me, just the thoughts and longings, I think over the last ten or fifteen years. Now it’s interesting, there’s a part of it that’s almost intimidating now. That’s a strange thing to say, when I have longed for it so much. Honestly, if it weren’t for my husband and son, I would love to go today. I wouldn’t even do chemo. I’d go. I can’t wait, on one hand.

On the other hand, there is this sobering reality that I feel like I’ve invested so much, and then I’ve squandered so much. The reality is so near and so real now that I’m sobered by entering in and realizing how much might burn up and not be the gold that remains. That’s hard, to face that reality. 

But the gospel is definitely the hope here, and I think knowing that, this is good news. Despite my failures, despite the things that I would love to have a do-over and maybe the regrets, the gospel is the hope of entering into Jesus’ presence without shame, without fear—of course, a fear of Him, an awe. Who knows, maybe I’ll be flat on my face when I enter His presence. I don’t know. It’s crazy to think about. 

I love that idea that I have been forgiven, and I’m accepted and loved. As the Father loves Jesus, He loves me? What? That is crazy stuff! In John 14, 15, 16, just the oneness with Christ and with the Trinity that we experience because He took our sin and did away with it and doesn’t see us through it. I see myself through my sin often, but just to think that He sees me through Christ. When I enter eternity, I don’t enter judgment. That’s incredible! It’s done; it’s finished. This is the beginning of that new life, and it’s going to explode into being when I enter on the other side. That’s incredible, that I don’t have to wonder. I don’t have to question. I don’t have to fear.

I find that what helps me stay grounded in the storms is multifaceted. It’s not one thing, it’s a bunch of things. I think over the years God’s kind of put different handles together for me. One of them is staying connected with my people. I can fly off the handle pretty quickly. I can go dark pretty quickly. I can withdraw and become private. I’m naturally a private person. But my people help me. My best friends and family help me to remember who I am and God’s faithfulness and what’s true. So, staying in joyful relationships with people who just take the pressure off. It’s low expectations. They’re not high maintenance; they’re just forgiving and gracious. They’re amazing people. I don’t deserve them, but they’re the people who walk with me through this.

Another thing is gratitude, and staying in the Word whether I feel like it or not. It’s not staying in the Word to have more head knowledge about the Bible, but to engage with God in season and out of season, if I can say it that way. No matter how I feel, that I’d be in the Word every day, that’s soul food. In Deuteronomy it says, “These are not idle words; this is your life.” It’s the very life in me, so I can’t do without that, the Word.

There are times through this grieving process where I don’t want to pick up my Bible. I’d rather check out and do something that doesn’t require any effort, but to stay engaged with Jesus in His Word is everything. That keeps me grounded.

Making a happy moment or dancing with my son or laughing with my husband or going for a walk and looking for beauty, and then trying to amplify that in my heart—making much ado about beauty, instead of letting my thoughts stay on the darkness and the hardness.

The song “Be Still, My Soul” has ministered so deeply to me. I mean, the hymns are so rich in their lyrics. It’s the idea that thorny ways lead to a joyful end—that is everything. 

When I began to experience thorny ways in my twenties, I was shocked. I thought, What’s happening? This is not what I signed up for! This isn’t what I dreamed of! God, You have a different plan than this, right? But to walk through so many different thorny ways over maybe the past twenty-five years and come to deeply long for and value the fact that heaven works backwards. That’s been a theme. C.S. Lewis talks about that in his book The Great Divorce. (I’m getting a little off-track from the song, but I’ll bring it around.) When we’re in heaven, we’re going to look back and see that the agonies were glories all along, and that the reality of heaven was there all along, we just couldn’t see it. 

So I think songs like “Be Still, My Soul” bring that heavenly reality into song. I can be still in my soul because God is good, and He’s with me. He’s designing these things for pure joy. Psalm 16 talks about that, “eternal pleasures at Your right hand.”

Dannah: That’s Colleen Chao, speaking with some of the Revive Our Hearts production team in her home.

I can’t tell you what an incredible blessing it was to have Colleen join us in October for our Revive ’21 conference in Indianapolis.

Nancy: Yes, it kind of happened close to the last minute. Colleen emailed me, and she said, “It’s been on my bucket list to come to a Revive Our Hearts conference.” She lives out on the West Coast, and our conferences are in the Midwest. She’s followed them, but she’s never been able to attend one in person. She said to me, “I just asked my husband, ‘Do you think it’s crazy for me to try to go to that conference?’”

Well, Eddie gave her his blessing, and she flew by herself, weak as she is, to Indianapolis. She arrived the night before the conference started and was there with us through the whole weekend.

She said in advance, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to sit through all of these sessions.” She just has waves of weakness and tiredness. So we arranged just off the main room to have a place with a comfortable chair where she could sit when she got tired. But she was there, on the front row, for most of that event.

Dannah, I remember as we were singing many different songs, led by Shane and Shane, how many of those songs talk about the day when we will see the Lord.

Dannah: Yes.

Nancy: At one point I was sitting next to Colleen, and she had tears streaming down her cheeks, her hands lifted in worship and praise to the Lord. Through that thin, weak body . . . You saw what I’m talking about.

Dannah: Yes, I saw that. It was so moving to see her singing that with a faith that we can’t really imagine or understand.

Nancy: Yes. Because she knows that, humanly speaking, that’s what’s just ahead. It’s hard, it’s painful, but it’s also beautiful and good.

During that event we had the chance to share a ten-minute video that our team produced about what Colleen is going through right now. It also included some glimpses of Eddie, her husband, and Jeremy, her precious son, talking about what this experience is like for them.

After we showed that video—well, I don’t think there was a dry eye in that room.

Dannah: Not a single one. In fact, I remember, Nancy, as the video ended and the lights came up in that room, there you were. You were standing right next to Colleen. You could see that was a thin, frail body, but oh, what a smile was beaming out from under that fabric-wrapped hat topped with a ball cap! I’ve never seen a smile that true, that life-giving, I don’t think, in my life. It was a precious, holy moment, as you stood there with her. Then you visited with her and prayed for her.

Nancy: Yes. It was so encouraging for me to hear Colleen giving glory to God in the midst of these excruciatingly difficult circumstances. I love hearing how she is anchoring her soul to the timeless truth of God’s Word. That’s what’s grounding her, that’s what’s giving her hope and courage, even through the tears.

Well, here at Revive Our Hearts, we’re committed to bringing you that timeless truth, no matter what season you may be in. So, if you’ve ever donated to support Revive Our Hearts, you’ve played a part in us being able to encourage and reach the hearts of women in every season of life around the world.

Can I just say thank you for your support? You may be aware that nearly half of the donations we receive every year come in the month of December. So, this month is crucial to how much ministry we’re able to fund in the coming year.

We’re asking the Lord this month to provide a total of $2.8 million, and we’re praising Him for a strong response thus far. Half of that amount, 1.4 million, has come in the form of a matching gift challenge from some friends of this ministry. Here’s how it works: when you donate to Revive Our Hearts, a donation equal to yours is drawn from that pool of $1.4 million. If you give twenty dollars between now and December 31, your donation will be matched with another twenty dollars. If you give $200, it becomes $400. Once we reach that $1.4 million this month, we will have made it to the total goal of $2.8 million.

For more information on where we are in meeting that goal, you can go to ReviveOurHearts.com and check out the progress bar, which is being updated regularly.

I want to say thank you so much for your prayers and your financial support at this important time.

Dannah: You can make your donation at our website. Again, it’s ReviveOurHearts.com, or you can call us at 1–800–569–5959.

It’s easy to let Christmas come and go without a sense of wonder at what God did when He sent His Son to become one of us. Tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts, Nancy’s going to help us recapture the wonder of the incarnation, as she examines a familiar Christmas carol: “O Come, O Come Emmanuel.” I hope you’ll join us for that.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth is calling you to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.