Heaven Rules in the Midst of Loss

Dannah Gresh: Tod and Robyn Bush started developing a “secret handshake” on their honeymoon.

Robyn Bush: We just had to hold hands all the time. And so as we would be driving from one city to the next, we would be holding hands and just being silly and flirty with each other, and we started doing silly handshakes.

All of a sudden, by the end of our honeymoon, we had this handshake developed and it became known as our “family handshake.” As our kids came into the family and as they were old enough to master it, they would be brought into that family handshake. 

Dannah: It seemed like just a silly game, but many years later, Tod was in the intensive care unit, unable to speak, and that secret handshake came to mean so much.

Robyn: All of the sudden, I was aware that as he was moving his hand, he was doing our family handshake. It dawned on me and I was like, “Oh, he’s in there! He’s letting me know he’s in there!” It just became something that he was doing constantly with me while he was laying in his bed.

I think a day later my kids came up, and he did it with our daughters. So it was just one of those things that, “Wow! You started us out at the very beginning with that, Lord, and You’re letting us have it again at the end.”

Dannah: This Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Heaven Rules for Friday, December 16, 2022. I’m Dannah Gresh. 

The Christmas season is a time of great joy, but in the middle of all the celebrations and holiday buzz, a lot of people are hurting.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: That’s so true, Dannah. During the month of December, we see lots of colorful lights, and we hear lots of joyful songs. But for many, the beauty of this season is set against a backdrop of darkness. 

Think about it: in a literal sense, it’s the darkest time of the year (at least here in the Northern Hemisphere). And for some, that darkness represents the pain and hardship they’re going through in this season of their lives. 

Our guest today understands that kind of deep grief and loss . . . but she’s also filled with hope! She’s gone through some significant events—both joyful and tragic—in the month of December.

Dannah: That includes her December marriage to Tod. We already heard about their honeymoon and secret handshake.

Robyn: When we were first married, Tod was living in Waco and I was living in Dallas. So I would have these long weekend trips that I would be driving, and I would have the radio on, and I would hear Nancy teaching.

Nancy (teaching): So whose blessing are you living for? Do you live for the blessing of your husband, your children? Ultimately, we see in God’s Word that all blessing comes from God.

Robyn: It was so important for me to be listening, all those drives.

Nancy (teaching): God sent consolation into the world, not just so we could be comforted, not just so we could be happy, but so that people would look at us being comforted in our affliction and they would say, “God is great!”

Robyn: I needed all of that kind of teaching.

Nancy (teaching): So where do you turn when you need help? Christ is responsible to govern the world, and I just want to say to you that if His shoulders are large enough to carry the burden and responsibility of the world, don’t you think that His shoulders are big enough to carry you?

Robyn: That’s powerful! It just makes you want to love the Lord and know the Lord more deeply.

Nancy (teaching): I could not handle the pressures and the problems and the challenges I was facing. I felt in the dark! I didn’t know what to do! But . . . “The Lord is my light” (Psalm 27:1).

Dannah: Robyn didn’t realize at the time how much this kind of teaching would anchor her heart as she headed into storms in the years to come.

Nancy: Tod and Robyn had two children, Lindsey and Tyler. Tod began doing a lot of missions work. While he was in Guatemala in Central America, Tod met a little girl named Kati [Kah-tee], and eventually she joined the family through adoption.

Now, fast forward to December 2016. In a busy season of life, Tod and Robyn celebrated their wedding anniversary.

Robyn: There was a lot of stuff happening, just busyness. We both realized we hadn’t really planned (which wasn’t necessarily normal for us) . . . He was working and he texted me and was like, “Hey, let’s grab dinner! It’s our anniversary. Happy anniversary! I love you!” 

And me: “Happy anniversary to you, I love you, too!”

And so, as we were texting, he said, “I kind of want to go to Jaspers.” And I was like, “I was just about to text ‘Jaspers’ to you!” So we both wanted to head to the same place, and that’s what we did.

Tod was a very healthy guy. He worked out and enjoyed keeping his body healthy. A part of that also was, he was very busy. He traveled. His job took him to multiple places around the world. So there would be times where he would be gone a week or two at a time. Sometimes I would get to go with him; sometimes I would be home holding the fort down.

Tod was very much in the midst of dealing with some stuff at work and also kids getting home from school. I think Lindsey was heading back, and we were heading into that weekend knowing we were going to be helping with a Young Life weekend.

So we both had headed into a kind of processing through, “Okay, what do we need to be doing to get ready for that?” As we came home, Tod was not feeling great, and then he came down with a stomach virus—just a regular stomach virus that kids and everybody get.

He was throwing up quite a bit and for whatever reason, he had suggested, “Why don’t you go sleep in the game room? I’m turning out all the lights; it’s going to be really dark in here. I just want to go to sleep.” We’d never slept apart. That was the last time we talked.

The following morning I got up and went in to check on him, and Tod was actually on the floor by our bed. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t able to talk. He looked confused and dazed, and I realized I needed to call 911. They were here in just a couple of minutes, and they were like, “We need to take him in immediately!” So we headed to the hospital.

They did an MRI, and they found that he had had a massive stroke on the left side of his brain. They found the tear in his left carotid artery that had caused a blockage to happen that shut off the flow of blood to his brain. So the doctor told us then that, “If he can make it through the next three days, we’ll know.”

My prayer became, “I’m going to beg You for healing, because I know You could do it And You’re going to decide, and whatever Your will is, it’s Your will, and I’ll be at peace with it.”

About six in the morning, Tod . . . His bed was right here, and I was just sleeping and holding his hand. He just got a really hard cough. All the things that were checking him, everything was just going really sporadic, and his oxygen dropped really rapidly. His heartbeat was dropping dramatically.

I got up and went around and said, “Tod.” I knew, I just knew, that the minute I let go of him, he was going to be gone. Our son was with me, my sister was with me, and I just remember grabbing hold of my son. This was December 22. My son was holding me, and my husband had just gone to be with Jesus. 

Christmas Eve was uniquely holy. A few years earlier, Tod had signed up as an organ donor on his driver’s license. I was aware that he had signed up as an organ donor. We walked into the waiting room, and I thought I was going to be there that evening.

The first medical team came in with a cooler, and I just realized, “Oh my goodness, a part of my husband is going in that cooler!” I felt like as a wife I wasn’t protecting him. It was a strange feeling; I’d never felt that before.

I realized, “I need to be home with my kiddos! That’s where Tod would want me. It’s Christmas Eve.” And so my sister was like, “It’s okay; we can go home. Tod would want you there. It’s all right.” And so Tod’s parents and one of Tod’s dearest friends stayed at the hospital, and they kind of had their own holy experience.

They were talking about Tod as the different medical teams came in from all over, because they’d flown in. The doctor teams would come in and get whichever organs—the heart or his lungs or his kidneys, liver.

Because he was so healthy, they were able to use all of his organs. And so there were five, six lives that were going to be dramatically affected because of his healthy body. They all flew home that Christmas Eve night and the following morning all those patients were checked in to their hospital, wherever they were. 

They got new organs on Christmas morning. What an amazing gift! And then getting the insight was like, “That was a costly gift,” which then makes my heart love Jesus even more, because I’m like, “Oh, my goodness, that’s just what You’ve done for me! You laid Your life down for me!”

I walked in the back door and all three of my kids were at the door, kind of checking, “Has surgery started?”

Me, “Yes, surgery’s started.” 

And then my youngest one said, “Are we ever going to celebrate Christmas again?”

And I said, “Absolutely we are, and we’re going to do it right now, because Jesus is always worthy of celebrating.” We’re just opening up boxes. We don’t know what’s in them, who they belong to. I realized in my head that I had gotten everything that was on my older two kids’ Christmas list.

I ordered everything else on my youngest one’s list, but I’m not the technology person. She had a phone on her list. That was Tod’s department. Tod and I had talked about it, but I had done nothing more about it, even checking on whether or not he had ordered it.

As we’re opening the boxes I realize, “Oh no, the older two are going to walk away at least with the things that they had wanted, but my youngest one, the one thing that she had really wanted, she’s not going to get tonight.” My heart was nervous about that and frustrated about that.

We got down to the final box, and it was a small box. I didn’t even know . . . I hadn’t been paying attention to where things had been coming in from. As we opened it up, it was a new phone!

I realized Tod had ordered it a couple days before he had gotten sick and had not told me. It was just like that was a little Christmas miracle for her. “Daddy got me a phone!” 

I remember getting a letter from the organ recipients. As I read it, my initial response to it was just pure joy. Joel was the lung recipient, and he was the last one for them to find. They were getting really nervous because Tod’s lungs were larger for his body, because he was such an athlete. So they were trying to find a bigger man.

They found Joel. I think Joel’s like 6’ 4”. Tod’s lungs fit him perfectly! You know, even saying how he was nervous about writing because he didn’t want to create any additional pain. I was like, “Well, you’re not making any additional pain. You’re helping my heart just be so joy-filled!”

Hearing from the heart recipient who said when he woke up after his surgery, the team told him that Tod was a lawyer and a missionary. That was about all they knew. He was asking them, he was trying to negotiate for a little bit more water, and they said, “It sounds like that lawyer’s heart is already kicking in! You’re trying to negotiate with us!”

One of Tod’s corneas went to a lady who was, I believe, eighty-five years old, which just makes me chuckle. I just love the idea that with one of Tod’s eyes, an eighty-five-year-old woman is seeing through it.

She talked about how now that she had it, she was able to do her quilting, she was able to drive again. All these things that had been a part of her life that she had not been able to do, now she was free to do them!

And so just even hearing those stories has just been so precious, to see God’s redemptive hand as He just takes things that are still really painful and challenging, but He continues to redeem and He continues to bring new life forward. That’s just been such a gift.

When I lost Tod it definitely felt like a tearing of my heart. I didn’t realize how much we were one. I appreciate so much more deeply what marriage is, and what I got to have for a season. I think my heart goes out to young wives, and wanting them to really grasp, “You don’t know your days! So don’t waste them with silly business! Do the hard work, sit down, and get to know the Lord” because there are going to be things that are going to happen in everybody’s life that are challenging and hard and painful. Suffering’s going to come, affliction’s going to come and all of that. If we are willing to, God gives us the heart to desire it, and it presses you into knowing Him in ways you will never experience Him. It lets you really find out the truth, that He is who He says He is, and that He can walk you through anything.

 

I think for my heart, that oneness of marriage is also initially learning oneness with the Lord. And so marriage brings a reflection of that. I think that’s been one of the most precious things that I’ve learned to appreciate even more deeply now.

After Tod passed away, one of the things that I just kept doing . . . The Lord was just kind of, “Keep doing what you do.” So a schedule helps. I would still get up in the mornings and come in and be alone.

Tod and I would typically sit in our two chairs. Sometimes he would be outside reading his Bible, but we would be reading our Bibles, with journals and coffee. I had never picked up one of his journals, because they’re his private journals . . . just like he wouldn’t have picked up one of mine. 

But as I saw the journal on the table, I realized, “Oh my goodness, that’s his journal.”

I just wanted to hear his voice. The opening of that journal where he had started was in Colossians where Scripture talks about, “Hey, keep your gaze fixed on heaven. That’s where you’re headed!”

It was like the Lord was saying, “I’m right here. I’ve been with him. I’ve been working in his life.” And so the Lord just kind of drew me in to reading Tod’s journals and hearing the movement of God upon his heart, upon his life through the Scriptures.

Tod would basically read through the whole of the New Testament. Then he would flip-flop, the whole New Testament, and then the whole Bible. He was constantly working his way through Scripture every year.

So I sat down and basically started reading through his journals, reading the Scripture that he was reading, and letting it just kind of bring healing to my heart. It was like there were things that the Lord was having him write down, that he was learning at the time, that I was now needing to hear . . . but it was coming through him.

I was just astonished that the Lord would be so kind to me, to basically have authored through him to my heart, that I was needing to hear some of those same things—in a different way than Tod was needing them. So my mornings were kind of like, “God and Tod,” and I just fell in love with both of them even more!

His final journal entry was from 1 John. He had written down, bulleted, his notetaking. His take-aways from it were: 

• Do good
• Love others
• Love God
• None of this just happens
• Requires intentionality

. . . and that was his final journal entry.

I think, again, it was the Lord pressing forward, saying, “Keep going, keep going, keep seeking Me, because none of that is just going to happen. It’s going to take effort. It’s going to take you stepping in here with Me, but I’m here!” So that is what is on Tod’s tombstone.

I knew that Tod belonged to the Lord. Tod’s life was His to do with what He was going to choose to do. I also knew that God is good. He’s trustworthy. He’s faithful . . . even if I can’t understand it or see it in the moment. And so, the Lord knows our days. He tells us in Scripture that He knows our days.

I think I was able to really cling to that and feel like, “Tod wasn’t robbed. And so that means I wasn’t robbed either.” It doesn’t always feel good. The majority of the time I don’t like how it feels, but yet I can stand in the truth of, “Lord, You’re in control. You’re sovereign. He’s with you.”

And so to some degree, there’s also this sense that Tod is up ahead, and he’s at peace. He’s in the presence of Jesus—and I’m headed there, too. There’s just some waiting on my end. And yet, the Lord has things for me to be doing here until He calls me home.

Nancy: I’m reminded while listening to Tod and Robyn’s story of how important it is to be in God’s Word every day. That’s what Tod did. As he journaled his way through the Bible, he had no way of knowing what a legacy he was leaving for his family.

Robyn also was in the habit of filling her mind with the truth. That’s what helped her anchor hold when she went through such a massive storm. Now Robyn wants to pass that truth on to others. She’s been helping to host small group studies with younger moms.

Robyn: My friend Becky, who was very connected into Revive Our Hearts, was leading some young women, young moms, through some of Nancy’s books. About a year after Tod passed away, she kind of invited me into that and said, “Hey, could you just help me come and encourage these moms? We’ve both walked through the mom journey.”

So that was a great opportunity. I stepped in, and we went through the book Lies Women Believe. It was so powerful for my own life at the time as I was a year into grieving and figuring out how to do this as a single mom and parenting. It was just really powerful to be with those young moms. It was such a blessing.

Nancy: Robyn also has a passion for giving. Revive Our Hearts pointed her to the truth of God’s Word all those years ago, and now she wants to share that gift with others, especially in Latin America, where she and Tod first found their precious child Kati.

Robyn: My heart is naturally drawn to Latin America, because that’s where my daughter has come from, and all that work that we did there through the years. Then Aviva Nuestros Corazones really began to began to bubble up and the Lord began to do so much, and I got to hear about things that were happening. That just absolutely made my heart so happy!

Then to know that Nancy’s books and her teachings were all being translated over and going out. And I think because I had been so involved in places like Honduras and Guatemala, I understood to some degree the challenge of being a woman in those places—much less a woman who’s striving to know the Lord. So the idea that Nancy’s materials are being utilized there and going out into many avenues that the Lord was opening up, boy, I could not wait to hop on board with that. That’s just a great joy to my heart!

Nancy: The reason Revive Our Hearts was able to speak to Robyn Bush on those car rides all those years ago was thanks to listeners like you who supported this ministry. If you were one of those listeners in the early days of this ministry, you are part of Robyn’s story.

And there are so many stories yet to unfold. When you give to Revive Our Hearts, you’re pointing women all around the world to the truth of God’s Word. You’re helping them prepare for the storms of life that may be ahead for them.

The month of December is an important time for our ministry. In order to keep our ministry outreaches going for the year ahead, we need to hear from lots of our listeners this month. That’s because almost half of the donations that we receive for the entire year come during this month.

Now, some friends of the ministry have seen God use Revive Our Hearts in their own lives, and they want to challenge you to give at this crucial time, so they’ve set up a matching challenge. Here’s what that means: it means that your gift between now and December 31 will be doubled. 

That’s why I want to ask you and every listener to get involved in some way. For you, that may mean praying that God will meet the significant needs we have at the end of this calendar year, and that we’ll be able to meet all of the matching challenge and beyond. And then, the Lord may want you to get involved by giving a gift at this time to help meet that need.

Dannah: To be part of this matching challenge, make your donation by December 31. You can do that by calling 1-800-569-5959, or visit ReviveOurHearts.com. 

Throughout December, Nancy’s been taking us to God’s Word and helping us get to know an often-forgotten character in the Christmas story. She’ll get back to the series “My Eyes Have Seen Your Salvation”next week. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth is calling you to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ. 

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