How to Treasure Your Husband

Leslie Basham: There is hope for a wife who does not feel much for a husband. Here is Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Love can be learned. Love can be developed. It can be cultivated. And it begins, in many cases, with just steps of faith saying, "Lord, show me how to invest in this man."

Leslie Basham: It's Thursday, September 9. This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Today's topic is inappropriate for children and if you have kids at home, you might want to get them busy doing something else. But hurry back. Here's Nancy to get us started.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: When you think about what it means to be a virtuous woman, if you are a married woman, do you include in that list, your sex life? Your physical relationship with your husband? You know, the Scripture does include a woman's physical intimacy with her husband as part of what it means for her to be a spiritual, godly and virtuous woman.

That's what we're talking about this week. And I am so glad to have two of my married friends here to talk about this subject. Holly Elliff has been a friend for many years. She is a wife of some thirty years. She has eight children and a lot of wisdom from the Word of God that she has used in ministering to and counseling with other women.

And then, Linda Dillow, who co-authored a book with Lorraine Pintus called Intimate Issues. In this book there are chapters that deal with 21 questions that Christian women ask about sex.

Linda, thank you and your friend Lorraine, who is not here today; but thank you for writing this book that is such a practical and biblical resource for women. And thanks to you and Holly for joining us on Revive Our Hearts today.

Holly Elliff: I am happy to be here.

Linda Dillow: And it's good to be here, Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And this has been a helpful, and I think healthy discussion for, especially for our married listeners to hear because God really does place a priority on a woman's relationship with her husband. And the physical is a huge part of that, although for many women it's a very difficult part.

Now we know from the first chapters of the Book of Genesis that God created male and female. And that He created vast differences--many similarities but also many differences between the two.

And for many women, as we have received letters and e-mails through Revive Our Hearts, we are hearing women talk about a frustration with how different their husband is and how difficult he may be to love in every area, including the physical.

So, Linda, help us out here, why is it so important from a biblical standpoint for a woman to be committed to meeting the physical and sexual needs of her husband.

Linda Dillow: Well, God has said that my body is not my own: that first, Jesus bought it with His blood.

But secondly, I don't have authority over it because I gave over authority to my husband. Nancy, as I look, though, at the way God created us as women, He built into our bodies ways for our bodies to shout to us, "You are women! You are feminine!"

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And our bodies do that...

Linda Dillow: Every month! And many women said, "I wish they did not do that," but still it is a way that our body shouts to us, "You are feminine! You are feminine! You are feminine!"

And, Holly, being women that have been blessed to have children, we remember that baby growing within us and the feeling of that baby moving and the birth process and the joy of that and nursing the baby. And our body screamed to us, "You are a woman! You are feminine!"

But for a man, God built only one thing into his body that affirms His masculinity and that was His prowess as a lover with his wife, that was him being a lover to the woman that God brought to him. And so because of this, when a woman is not interested or a woman rejects her husband in the intimate area of their marriage, it emasculates him because God built his body to be the way it is.

Holly Elliff: What I hear from women so often is: "How do I meet my husband's needs when I don't even know that I really even like him very much any more. I don't emotionally feel drawn to do that and so, am I still required to meet my husband's needs?" How do you encourage those women to go to God's Words to see that God does say, "This is a requirement for us?"

Linda Dillow: I have spent time with a woman who has a very rocky marriage and she went before God and said, "God, I see what You say in Your Word that my intimate relationship with my husband is a picture of Christ and the Church. You have told me in Proverbs 5 that he is to be exhilarated always with my love, that he is always to enjoy the ecstasy of my love. But, God, right now I don't even like him."

But she made a commitment to God that she was going to reach out and love her husband. I have seen such progress in their relationship because the secret is, that when a man is loved physically, it meets a deep emotional need inside of him. And this is how a man connects emotionally with his wife.

And so, when the woman I was counseling said, "I am going to be a creative wife to my husband, even though right now he is not what I want and he is not someone I really like."

By being creative and loving him physically, his physical and emotional needs were met. And do you know what? He has come to her and said, "I am going to deal with my anger before God. And I want to become more the husband you need."

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You know, I think for the wife who doesn't feel attracted to her husband, there is a biblical principle here that applies. Jesus said, "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" [Matthew 6:21].

And we know that when we invest in a relationship and unfortunately many women are doing this, investing in a relationship with someone who is not their husband, they take care about how they speak to their boss at work or a man at church. And they are speaking kindly and warmly and tenderly and perhaps going too far in investing in other men.

If she will begin to invest in her husband, in fact, there is a resource that one of our partner ministries, a partner ministry with Revive Our Hearts is FamilyLife Today and they produce a resource for married couples called Simply Romantic Nights.

Linda, you had a part in developing that resource, which is just one way and I am going to ask you to tell us a little bit about it. But it is one way that wives and husbands can invest in their marriage that I think will really help them to develop a greater attraction and heart for each other. Tell us a little bit about that Simply Romantic Nights which is a resource we are going to make available to our listeners.

Linda Dillow: It's a fun product, Nancy, and if you don't have one, Holly, I am going to make sure you get one here.

Holly Elliff: My husband will be glad.

Linda Dillow: He will be glad. It's a cute box and you open it up and there's an 84-page book that says Discover Intimacy in a New Light. There is a romance inventory for the husband and wife to have. And then, there are 12 sealed envelopes of creative ways to bring romance and creativity into your marriage.

The idea is that the husband would draw one of these cute cards a month and the wife will, or they draw alternatively every month. Anyway they want to do it. But inside are all of the preparations that you need to bring this creative romantic encounter about: the list of things you need to buy, how you build expectations and, ladies, your husbands are told several times to go out to buy you a little gift.

This is the way that we put this resource together because a man needs to grow in reaching out in nonsexual ways, the majority of the cards for him had to do with reaching out, just in romantic ways.

But most women need to grow in reaching out sexually to their husbands and so their sealed envelopes include ways that would make them feel comfortable based on biblical passages that can encourage them to reach out. There is also a special anniversary envelope at the bottom.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Linda, this really is a practical tool that can help women who feel like they are just going through the motions in their marriage. And our listeners can order Simply Romantic Nights by visiting our Web site ReviveOurHearts.com. So, Linda, what else can wives do?

Linda Dillow: I think something that lots of wives fail to do is just really take this area (of the sexual relationship with their husbands) before the Lord in prayer and just say "God, You know that right now I feel dry, I feel stale. Right now, I don't even like my husband very much.

"And yet you have said that I'm still supposed to meet his needs. I don't understand his masculinity and why it's important to him. God, You are my teacher. Would You please teach me?"

Holly Elliff: And I found that if women begin to make those choices--because it is a choice that you make--it requires energy, it requires time, it requires thought and many, many times I think this becomes secondary to other things in our lives. And our husbands sometimes end up at the bottom of the list.

And the more busy we are in our lives, the more we have to consciously choose to take that issue before the Lord, to ask God to give us wisdom to understand our husbands, to help us get outside our own comfort zone many times in stretching ourselves to meet his needs and to do that in a way that perhaps we've never done it before.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: What we are really talking about is learning to love, to love with the love of God. And, you know, the Scripture tells us in Titus 2 [:4] that "older women are to teach younger women several things" and included in that curriculum is how to love their husbands. That is what you are really doing here this week.

Holly Elliff: And this is a big part of loving our husbands.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: This is a big part and learning to love. First of all, we can learn to love because the Scripture says "women are to teach women to love" that means we can learn to love. You can learn to love your husband as a wife regardless of whether he is a good husband or not, regardless whether he is a godly man or not. You can learn to love him.

And can I just say, and Holly and Linda, you and I have all seen this happen in marriages that when the love of Christ fills one mate (and that mate can the wife). And the wife learns to love her husband with the love of Christ, the love of Christ is a transforming love. And it may be that God will use your love, His love flowing through you as you're learning to love that man, to really be a transforming, changing influence in the life of that man.

Now you don't love in order to get him to change. You love selflessly and unconditionally. But you may just be surprised as you love that man with the love of God, as you love him, not only emotionally and conversationally but as you love him sexually, it may be that God will use that love to begin a transforming work of grace in his heart. And that you'll begin to see him become the man of God that God created him to be.

So as you listen to this week's programs, as you get a copy of Simply Romantic Nights and as you pray for your relationship with your husband to deepen, would you write and tell us what changes God brings about in your marriage?

Your letters are real blessing to our team. And they help us know how we are doing in connecting with people's hearts.

And if God lays it on your heart, would you include a donation to this ministry? We have been able to encourage you today because listeners like you have been willing to give. And we need more listeners to partner with us as we help women discover freedom and fullness and fruitfulness in Christ. Our address is Revive Our Hearts.

Linda, Holly, thanks so much for being with us. We are going to pick up this conversation tomorrow and talk about ways that a couple can cultivate intimacy, even during the difficult seasons of life that every marriage faces. I hope you can be back for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.

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