The Source of True Joy

Dannah Gresh: Before we start today’s program, I want to ask you to consider these questions:

• Have you been connected with Revive Our Hearts for some time?
• Are you passionate about serving other leaders?
• Or maybe you’re in a season of life where you have time to reach out to others, you just haven’t been sure in what capacity.

Well, I want to invite you to check out the Revive Our Hearts Ambassador Program. Our Ambassadors have a heart for encouraging women’s ministry leaders and pastors’ wives.

Ministry can be difficult, which is why Ambassadors are there to walk alongside these leaders, cheering them on in their kingdom work. If this is something you’re interested in, and if you live in the United States or Canada, you may be a good fit for this team! Visit ReviveOurHearts.com/Ambassadors to find out more information. 

Here's one thing Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth learned over fifty-seven years of singleness.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Contentment is not a factor of my circumstances; contentment is a choice, and true joy is not the result of having everything I want. True joy is the result of gratefully receiving exactly what God has given me, saying, "I choose to be content with that." 

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of "Singled Out for Him," for Tuesday, February 22, 2022.

Whether you’re single or married, younger or older, or have a small or big family, you need community. Today, Nancy is going to talk about the importance of pursuing relationships regardless of the season of life you’re in. She’ll give some practical ideas for ways to reach out to others as a single woman, and if you’re married, she’ll encourage you to think about the ways you can include singles in your life.

Yesterday, Nancy began a series called "Thoughts for My Single Sisters . . . Before I Become a 'Mrs.'" This series originally aired in 2015, just days before Nancy married Robert Wolgemuth. Let’s listen as she continues to share some thoughts she recorded before her relationship status changed.

Nancy: Well, today is Thursday and, Lord willing, I'm getting married on Saturday, two days from now. I've had a desire, as I shared with you yesterday, to just take some time before I become a "Mrs." to share some thoughts with my single sisters . . . and not just with my single sisters, but with all my sisters—single, married, younger, older—in any season of life. I've just been reflecting on the story God is writing for our lives. Mine has taken an utterly unexpected twist and turn!

If you had told me a year ago that days from now I would be walking down the aisle to be married, I would have said, "You are nuts!" I would have been very sure that that was not the story God was writing for my life.

But as we said yesterday, I want you to remember and take with you into every season and situation of your life—God is good, and you can trust Him to write the story for your life. You see, when we try and write our own script, our own story, we're going to end of disappointed, discouraged. We're going to botch things. We cannot possibly write as beautiful and great a story as God is writing for us.

Some of my single sisters, particularly those who are older and have a long-time unfulfilled longing for marriage may say, "But look, God gave you an amazing man. You're getting married, see? God hasn't given that to me."

I want to say to those precious friends, some of you in this room, you can trust God to write your story. In a moment or two from now, when we look back on these few short years here on the earth, from the perspective of eternity, every one of us will say, "Lord, You did it right. You knew. You were good. You could be trusted. Why didn't I trust You more?"

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest [lean] upon His promise,
Just to know "thus saith the Lord." 

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus—
O for grace to trust Him more! 

("'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus" by Louis Stead)

That's my song! I want that to be your song—to know that you know that you know that you can trust God to write your story. Some of you within days or weeks or months of listening to this program are going to be facing something in your story that was utterly unexpected. You have no idea today what is around the corner.

You're going to get news, something difficult, some challenge, some health problems, some marriage issues, something that you never expected . . . And I want you to remember that God is good, and you can trust Him to write your story.

He knows what He's doing; He doesn't make mistakes. That's what is on my heart to share over these few programs we're doing this last week before I become a "Mrs." I don't have any great outline to share with you; I've just been wanting to share some reflections, particularly for my single sisters, or for others in a season of life that might not be your first choice.

I told you that I asked some of my friends to write and share with me some of their experiences as single women, some of the challenges they've faced. One wrote and said,

These past two years have honestly been some of the loneliest of my life—probably due to my mom's death and the stark reality that there is no one on this earth anymore who cares for me like my mom did. I've felt like an orphan. Holidays are different. Family dynamics have all changed. This can easily be a downward cycle if I don't ask God to give me the courage, strength, and desire to reach out to others.

And with that word "others," I want to pick up on that and talk for a moment here about the importance in every season of life, but particularly as a single women, of pursuing relationships and community.

God never intended, single or married, that we should live in isolation. The Holy Trinity lives within relationship and community. There is fellowship; there is oneness; there are differences; they are one. That provides a model for us and says that God is a relational God and He made us to be relational people.

He didn't create us to be independent, but to be interdependent. And to do that as a single or a married woman takes intentionality; it takes time; it takes effort. It takes the willingness to open your heart. I'm thinking right now what Pastor Ray Ortlund, my pastor in college, said (you've heard me say this before). He said that the average church is like a bag of marbles—people hard and clanging up against each other.

He said what we should be is a bag of grapes, smushed together, with the sweet juice of the fruit that flows from that. You see, if you're going to have godly relationships and community, you have to be willing to be smushed. You have to be willing, in a sense, to have your own identity subsumed in the identity of others. 

You have to be willing not just to be this hard person, and brittle, to have a shell that's hard and impenetrable. You have to be willing for others to get into your life, willing to open your heart, willing to be vulnerable. I encourage my single and married women friends to cultivate sisterhood—meaningful relationships with other women, encouraging relationships.

I'm so grateful for the way God has used women, married and single, sweet friends, in my life to be a means of encouragement . . . and to encourage me in this new season of my life, this new relationship. Some of my most encouraging friends have been single women who have longed for marriage, and God has not yet given it to them. But they have said, "We're so thrilled for you! We're rejoicing with you; we're celebrating with you." That's godly. That's precious. Those are true friends. It's the willingness to have intrusive, invasive relationships.

It's easy for us women who are single, whether single again or never married, to live alone and to put up this little wall around us, this little cocoon, and have our own time, our own space, our own place, our own lives, our own priorities, our own schedules and not to let people really get too close to us.

We need intrusive, intentional, invasive relationships—people who will be honest with us, people who will help us see blind spots that we can't see in our own lives. But you have to seek that out, you have to be teachable, you have to be humble, you have to be willing to be accountable, you have to be willing to ask for counsel and input from others to benefit from the wisdom, the insights and the experience of others. I encourage single women to build relationships, not just with other singles, but with multiple ages: male, female, couples, children, families, older people—multiple generations.

A friend who works in our ministry says,

I am the most satisfied, relationally, when I have older and younger friends that are in different stages of life. One of my best friends is my age (married with three kids). We have done life together for about thirty years. We often laugh that she appreciates her husband more after talking to me, while I'm sharing my struggles of feeling alone. I appreciate my single state more after hearing about all the things that she has to juggle as a wife and mom. It's important that we see the different shades of grass in other peoples' lives. It's not always greener.

Now, to have those kinds of relationships can be difficult. It requires selflessness; it requires sacrifice. One woman said to me,

Sometimes I feel used in relationships. I pour myself into relationships and ministry to others, but then I feel like I'm always the one initiating things, organizing gatherings, opening my home. Then everyone leaves, and you're left alone, cleaning up, processing the experience by yourself. 

If you've been single, as an adult, for any length of time, you probably could have written that paragraph.

So let me say a word to those of you who are not single. Can I just encourage you to include singles in your life, as you do life? I have loved being a single woman, but one of the hardest things for me over the years has been walking into church and sitting by myself, or figuring out who I was going to sit with.

Because I'm self-absorbed, right? If I were totally others-centered, I would try to figure out, "Okay, who's new here? Who needs a friend?" But I don't always think that way. So that's been a hard thing, and I've loved those families, over the years, who have said, "Come sit with us. Can you come to our home for a meal? for events?"

Include those who are single, those who are widowed, those who are divorced. One woman who's serving the Lord in ministry as a single woman in her forties said,

As a single I get lonely. I want to be with others, do things together, play games, go out to eat. I struggle with knowing when to ask a couple or a family if they want to do something because I know they're busy. I fear the rejection. I don't want to be the needy single lady who's a drain on others. It would be so nice to be invited sometimes. Please encourage your married listeners to invest in singles and take the initiative to invite them over. Yes, I know singles can invite marrieds over too, and other singles for that matter . . . [and I would encourage you as a single to do that, not to just wait for others to initiate, be willing to initiate] but sometimes we just need to feel wanted, and to know that our presence is enjoyable. 

Psalm 68:6 tells us that God sets the solitary—the lonely, those who are by themselves—in families. So, I would ask this of those you who have a family that you live with: is your family available to be one of those families in which God can set lonely people? Or is it just about your family? You're busy . . . we're all busy, right? But do you make room for others in your home? Are you sensitive to who, outside the four walls of your home, may be solitary, who may be lonely, that God may want to set in relationship with your family? Be willing to be that family, to be a family.

I'm thinking of one of our single women staff who's been sitting in this session who lives across the street in a little apartment from a young family on our staff with four (now expecting their fifth) little munchkins. This mom has her hands full in this season of her life. This single girl has reached out, and the family has reached out to the single gal, and together they're ministering to each other's needs. It's a sweet thing to see! God has placed the solitary in a family, and God's placed a young single woman to help in that family, who can be a blessing to that mom (who needs like seventeen hands). 

Someone comes in and says, "Let me help. Let me give you a break. Let me help you with a meal." It's a sweet thing to see the Body work in that way. So, as a single woman—or a married woman, for that matter—pursue relationships, pursue community.

And then this matter of contentment . . . just a few comments about that. Over the years I've come to realize that contentment is not a factor of my circumstances. Contentment is a choice. True joy is not the result of having everything I want. True joy is the result of gratefully receiving exactly what God has given me, saying, "I choose to be content with that."

The fact is, if we're not content with what we have now in this season of life to which God has called us, then we will never be content in some other season of life with changed circumstances, because contentment is not a factor of our circumstances, it is a choice.

And that's why we need to be careful about things that can fuel discontent in our hearts. One woman wrote to me, responding to this little survey I did, "I find it helpful to limit Facebook, social media viewing, some movies and TV. It's just not good for my contentment when I'm spending too much time in these areas."

Now, I don't know what it is for you that might fuel discontent. Maybe it's watching romance movies or reading romance novels. Don't fuel discontentment! Put things in your life that will fuel joy, that will fuel contentment.

Lydia Brownback has written a terrific little book titled Fine China Is for Single Women, Too. Here's what she says about this:

Longing for what God has not given—or has not given yet—is not only reasonable and understandable, it can also be constructive. . . as a means to draw us to cling more closely to the One who created us to hunger in this way. But living in a constant state of longing can become, "Woe is me!" and self-centered. Most importantly, if we are constantly harping on what we want but do not have we're declaring that God has not managed affairs well . . . because, with or without our longing, God will bless us to be content in Him. In fact, our contentment is of far greater importance to God than our marital status. Contrary to what we may think, God knows that such contentment does not hinge on whether or not we are married. [Lydia Brownback, older single woman, writing on contentment.]

Let me just give this one caveat, however: The peril on the other side of this is that some would say that once you get content, then God will bring you a mate, God will bless you with what it is that you want. Let me say, that's not necessarily true, because when you become content, then what you want is what God gives you—and you have what you want because you have what God has given you.

So, I think it's a mistake to say, "Okay, if you get content then God will give you everything that you desire." God will give you the desire of your heart; He will give you His desires, and He will minister grace to you where there are desires that go unfulfilled. Does that make sense?

Okay, let me just talk for a moment about something that I think is really important for us as single women, and that is to make choices now that will stand you in good stead down the road—whether you're married or single. The choices we make now have consequences, they have bearing, they have implications for our lives down the road.

Let me just mention a few of those, as examples. For example, make the choice as a single woman not to awaken love before it's time, as the book of Song of Solomon says, before God's time. Choose not to awaken sexual desires before it's God's time for those to be rightly fulfilled.

I want to just tell you (no credit to myself, but thanks to some wise and godly parents and influences the Lord brought into my life), I have been spared decades of pain and sorrow and heartache and difficulty in this area because of choices not to fill my mind and heart with books, movies, magazines, websites that promote sexual activity, or romance for that matter.

I'm so grateful now not to have tasted all of that over all of these years, and am grateful to be coming into marriage with love being awakened for the first time in my life. Now, maybe that's not your story. [If not], it's not too late to start to make choices now that will stand you in good stead down the road, whether you're married or single.

Some of those choices might be: developing practical skills related to how to run a home, how to manage meals for a family, how to keep a house clean, how to balance a family schedule. One woman wrote to me and said, "I've seen so many singles, who are older singles, getting married and realizing they have no clue how to do anything practical related to a home."

So, as you're younger, be developing practical skills that will be a blessing to you and others, whether you marry or not. There's this practical side of living with other people—you make choices as a single woman that will stand you in good stead down the road.

Over many years, I have encouraged single women who think that they want to be married or think that someday God would have them be married, to not live alone for long periods of time. I didn't think I was ever going to be married, so I lived alone for years and years and years and years and years! 

But here's something I did, for which I'm really glad. I didn't do it because I thought I was going to be married. I just did it because I thought it was right, because I thought it would bless the Lord and others, and it blessed me. My home has been an open home. My heart has been an open heart.

I have welcomed strangers and family and friends and guests and little children (with grubby hands on freshly washed windows) and people tracking things in to the freshly washed kitchen floor . . .

One couple (the family I just told you that has five little kids) moved into a basement apartment I have when they got married, thinking it was going to be for six months. Three-and-a-half years and two kids later, they moved into their own house.

So, when I say I've lived alone, I really haven't lived alone. I've had a lot of people in that house, and I'm so thankful. It's been a great joy for me as a single woman. But now that I'm getting married, and am going to be living with my husband, I'm really glad that. All those years there were interruptions, there were distractions, there were inconveniences, there were things that required flexibility and adaptability in my life. Those have all proven to be really good preparation (I think!) for what lies ahead. For you as a single woman, that could mean having a roommate, hosting people often, living with a family. I look around this room and I see single women who have done those things.

I'm so glad for these choices in my life that have kept me from being as introverted as I otherwise might have been (because I really am pretty introverted). Choices that have pulled me out of that, made me think about others, and have kept me from getting too set in my ways. (We're about to find out exactly how set I am in my ways!) Choices have required me to be adaptable . . . choices that you make now. 

Cultivating submission. A woman looked me in the face the other day and said, "You're about to find out how hard submission is!" And she laughed. And I thought, I don't know that that's really funny! And I don't know that I think of it as incredibly hard.

I know there are points at which submission is hard with any kind of authority, but I'll tell you what. For decades I've been making choices in the places where God has set me, to learn submission and to have to deal with a boss, a board member, another staff member whose direction is different than what I think on something.

Listen, I'm not saying I'm inherently submissive. I was born with a kick in my spirit—and Robert knows that. But I will say that I'm so thankful now as a single woman that I've sought to stay under the covering and protection and shepherding of godly men and couples and leaders. That's been a protection in my life during those single years, and now it's proving to have been preparation for coming under the covering and the authority of a husband. I'm so thankful.

And then as I think about other things I want to emphasize for single women (just as I reflect back on my single years), I want to encourage you to be intentional about cultivating godly character—tending to your heart.

There are a lot of things in my life that have changed since Robert Wolgemuth appeared. There are a lot of things about to change. But there are some things that marriage doesn't change and can't fix—personal disciplines, habit patterns, character flaws, trust issues, insecurities. 

In fact, being in a relationship, I'm finding, puts a magnifying glass over some of those issues. So if you're a whiner, a complainer, hard to get along with, undisciplined, self-absorbed, discontent as a single woman, that's exactly the kind of married woman you will be. You don't want to wish that on some husband, right?

So deal with those issues now. Whatever your season of life, be intentional about becoming the woman that God made you to be, being conformed to the image of Christ. Listen, some circumstances that you are in presently are exactly the circumstances you need to become more like Jesus.

So don't waste the opportunity of this season. Learn to choose joy as a single woman, and you'll do a better job of choosing joy as a married woman, if God has that for you. Learn to have a grateful spirit as a single woman, and you'll have a grateful spirit in another season of your life.

Learn to be feminine, soft, and responsive. I've found that many single women, as they get older, become more brittle, harder, more censorious, more critical-spirited, more narrow. I've watched this over the years and I've said, "Lord, I don't want that to happen to me." I've prayed this long before I thought I was going to be married.

For years I've prayed, "Lord, make me sweeter as I get older. Make me softer, make me more gentle, more responsive. Teach me what it means to have a gentle and a quiet spirit, a gracious spirit, to be kind-hearted, servant-hearted. Help me cultivate warmth and tenderness."

If you're not married and you don't have physical affection, you can become brittle at heart. So I've tried to keep people in my life—children, older people who need warmth (who need a hug, who need kindness). I was in a church service the other day and Robert was sitting on my left. On my right was a mutual friend who's currently separated from her husband and in a very difficult place. It's been a long-time, hard marriage.

Robert had his arm around me. He and I were holding hands. Then I looked over at this woman on my right and thought, She doesn't have this in this season of her life. Now, this is a woman who has poured herself out on behalf of others. She's a lovely gracious woman—the kind of woman I want to be.

But as I thought about what I'm experiencing now and what she isn't experiencing in this moment, I prayed that the Lord would fill her with what He has given me over these years as a single woman. What is that? A sweet sense of His presence and His peace.

Then, remember, you may be the means God uses in that person's life to be God touching them. So I reached over and took her hand several times during that service, hugged her multiple time before she left. I'm not a naturally huggy, physical, or affectionate person. I have to think about that, work at it.

But it was so sweet to be able to be a means of expressing the love and the tenderness and the warmth of Christ into the life of this woman. So whatever it is, as a single woman, as a married woman, maybe, in a less-than-perfect marriage (which would be every married woman), cultivate godly character right where you are.

Don't wait for a new circumstance, a new season. Tend to your heart. Make choices now that will stand you in good stead down the road in whatever season God may have you. Listen. It's true as a married woman. You learn to trust the Lord now, then when you're a widow, you'll have a track record with God.

You won't be thrown into this circumstance that will be quicksand and will suck you down and suck you under. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying you will have practiced what it means to trust in the Lord, and that's what it comes down to.

Lord, help us, help us, help us to be your women now, in whatever circumstance, in whatever season you may have placed us, so that we can give You glory, so we can bless, serve, minister grace to others you put in our lives. All this we pray for Jesus' sake, amen. 

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, talking with her single sisters before she got married in 2015. But, wow, this message is for everybody, because at the heart of it, it's a message about putting God first and being content. This series is called "Thoughts for My Single Sisters . . . Before I Become a 'Mrs.'"

As Nancy talked about today, true joy and contentment can be yours as a single woman. She wrote a booklet that includes some of her experience and wisdom in this area. It’s titled, "Singled Out for Him: Embracing the Blessings and the Challenges of Singleness." If you’re single, this is a great resource filled with insight for understanding singleness as a gift. With your donation of any amount to Revive Our Hearts this month, you can get a copy of this booklet as our way to thank you for your support. It might just be the perfect gift for a single friend in your life. Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959 and request "Singled Out for Him."

So, finish this sentence" "I would be happy, if only . . ." If you fill the rest of that sentence with anything but "Jesus," you'll never be happy. Nancy will talk more about that in the context of marriage and singleness. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts. 

Challenging you to find true joy in Jesus, Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth calls you to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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