In Her Marriage Covenant

Dannah Gresh: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth reminds us what Proverbs 31 says. A wife of noble character does her husband well—no matter what.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: You know, it doesn’t say she does him good and not evil as long as he does her good, as long as he’s kind to her, as long as he remembers her birthdays and anniversaries, as long as he meets her needs. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. Why? Because she’s a covenant-keeping woman.

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free, for August 9, 2024. I’m Dannah Gresh.

This month, our theme is all about how you and I can live out our God-given, good design as women. Nancy’s continuing in a series called “To Be Praised: The Woman Who Fears the Lord.” Let’s listen.

Nancy: We’re looking at what one commentator has called “a looking-glass for ladies”—Proverbs chapter 31. We came yesterday to the beginning of that portion, verse 10, where the Scripture gives us a description of a woman of God, a virtuous woman, an excellent woman.

Matthew Henry, that commentator, said that "this is a looking-glass for ladies that we should desire to look into and to dress ourselves by it." We’ve been reminding each other that, even though this lengthy, detailed description can seem overwhelming and intimidating to those of us who still have feet of clay and are not yet glorified. Yet, we ought to be encouraged because we know that as women of God, if we’re allowing God to work in our lives, He is sanctifying us. He is molding us. He’s shaping us. He’s pruning us. He’s making us into this kind of woman who reflects the beauty and the image of the Lord Jesus, for indeed it really is His portrait that we’re looking at here. We’re seeing His heart, His character, His beauty in this picture.

We pick up at verse 10, and we read that very familiar verse:

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.  

“Who can find a virtuous wife?” Some of your translations say, “an excellent wife.” Some of them say, “a wife of noble character.”

That word "virtuous" or "excellent" is a difficult word to translate from the original Hebrew language. The word has to do with strength. It’s often translated “army” or “wealth.” It’s talking about a woman of moral strength, a woman whose character is strong.

A woman who has godly character is a strong woman. She's able. She's valient. She is a woman of valor. She's a woman of strong character, lots of skills, and a heart full of compassion.

Now the New King James Version that I just read says this is a virtuous wife, but the word translated "wife" there, in some of your translations reads “woman,” and that’s also an acceptable translation.

We’re reading here about a woman who happens to be a wife (it becomes obvious as we see her described), but the word translated "wife" or "woman" here is just a word for female. I want to point that out because this passage is not just for married women, although as we’ll see, this woman is, in fact, obviously married. But whether married or single, you and I can be excellent, virtuous women.

If you are married, let me point out that this woman is a wife before she is a mother. You say, "Duh, that's obvious." But, it's not "duh" today. Those of you who have a husband and children know how easily you can be a mother before you are a wife. I don't mean chronologically, but in terms of priority, and what consumes your time and energy and priorities. But it's important that we notice in this passage is that her relationship with her husband is highlighted first. The children come later, not only in order, but also in order of priority. Her most important human relationship is with her husband. Here is a woman who delights to be a wife.

Now she does have her own personality, her own gifts, and her own strengths, but she is inseparably bound as one to her husband. She’s not ashamed of that. She’s not embarrassed to be his wife. She’s not embarrassed to have her achievements stated in those terms.

Now as we read through this passage over the next days and weeks, we’re going to see that this woman has a strength of character that produces certain other strengths in her life. Her abilities, her habits, her lifestyle—flow out of this strength of character, this virtue, this excellence that characterizes this woman.

Remember that this passage is the words of King Lemuel recalling the words that his mother taught him when he was a young prince. His mother taught him, “Son, this is what to look for in a wife. When it’s time to get married, make sure that these qualities are in place. Look for strength of character and heart and walk with God.”

You’ll notice what’s absent from this description largely, and that is physical traits. Now we’ll talk later in the series about why that may be absent. We don’t know that she was a woman of wealth. We don’t know what kind of background she came from. We’re seeing the priority here in selecting a mate—and you need to be teaching this to your sons—is to look for a woman who has a heart for God.

Now there’s no sin in her being physically beautiful, but if that’s the primary thing that attracts him to his wife-to-be, this passage is going to tell us that beauty will not last. It won’t last till old age, and it may not last till then. She may get in an accident and have her faced disfigured.  What will you have then in your wife? Will you have a woman of character, the kind of character that endures?

I got a voicemail last week from a man who listens to Revive Our Hearts. He identified himself as a single male. It was such a gracious, sweet-spirited voicemail. He said:

Thank you for Revive Our Hearts. God has been teaching me through this program the importance of choosing a wife who is godly, of looking for a woman with godly character. God's also been showing me the importance of becoming a godly man who can be the right kind of husband to that kind of woman.

When we think about being an excellent or a virtuous woman, a woman of great spiritual strength and character, there is a sense in which that is a past accomplishment because when we become a child of God, we’re in Christ.

As God sees us, we’re perfect. We have the righteousness of Christ, and there’s a sense in which He has made us, past tense—if we’re children of God—He’s made us already that excellent, virtuous person. The challenge here is to live like who you are, to live out the reality of who you are in Christ.

Then there’s a present, ongoing sense that we are becoming this kind of woman. It’s progressive. It’s the outworking and the development of what God has already put in our hearts if we are children of God—cultivating who and what we are in Christ.

Then, and this is what really encourages me, there’s a yet future sense, when it comes to being an excellent woman, a virtuous woman, and that’s what we can look forward to. It’s that final, completed state where we are glorified. We are sanctified. We are perfect. We are mature. As we’re in process, we can look forward and know that God is making us into that kind of woman.

As we contemplate this picture, this portrait of a virtuous woman, remember there’s a sense in which this already is you if you’re a child of God. If you have Christ in you, God has made you perfect positionally in His sight—positionally in Christ. Because of your position in Christ, you have that righteousness.

Then commit yourself to the process of saying, “Lord, I want you day after day—today—to be working out in my life the reality of what You have done for me through the cross and the Gospel of Christ.” I am becoming this kind of woman. It is a process.

That’s why when you fall, when you blow it, when you get discouraged about your seeming lack of progress, you can pick yourself up and go on by God’s grace, knowing that this is a process. There’s growth involved here, and that’s okay. That’s true of every woman. You look at the most godly woman you know, and she considers herself still very much in process. She’s still growing, still developing.

Then there’s that hope, and aren’t you glad for that hope that one day I will look like the picture in this looking glass? You will, too. If we’re allowing God to have His way in our lives today, this is not a standard that we will never be able to match. It’s a standard that God is committing to conforming us to. He will perfect that which concerns us. “He who began a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” (KJV). He will bring it to completion.

As you read this passage, don’t get despondent. Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. Say, “Yes! I’m in process. This is what I’m becoming. This is what God is making me.” Look forward.

The Scripture says, “The righteous man falls down seven times” (Prov. 24:16). Sometimes I think that may be a day or even an hour. He falls down seven times, and what does he do? He gets up again each time.

You say, “I’ve blown it. I just haven’t had that servant’s heart. I haven’t been that kind of devoted wife. I haven’t been committed to my home and family as I ought to have been and the qualities we’re going to see in this woman.”

Well, get up. Repent. Get new grace and go on. Let God continue to take you in that process of molding and making you like His Son, Jesus.

Dannah: That message is so encouraging. When we read Proverbs 31, we don’t have to muster up our own strength to become more like the virtuous woman described there. Jesus lived a perfect life on our behalf, and the Holy Spirit is helping us become more like Jesus.

Nancy will be right back to dive back into Proverbs 31. But first let me tell you about a booklet she wrote called Biblical Portrait of Womanhood.

As you know, many today are confused about gender and sexuality. God and His design are not part of the picture at all for them. But He has spoken. We don’t have to be confused. He’s told us clearly why He made us the way He did. In Biblical Portrait of Womanhood, Nancy takes a closer look at God’s Word, specifically about what it looks like to live according to His design. 

The booklet is our thank-you gift to you for your donation of any amount. To give, just head to ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

Did you know Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth enjoys reading biographies? She loves learning about the lives of faithful believers who have gone before us. Here’s an example.

Nancy: One of the women I've been reading about recently is Katherine von Bora. That name may not be familiar to you, but the name Martin Luther probably is familiar to you. Katherine, affectionately known as "Faithful Kate," as he called her, was the wife of Martin Luther.

Martin Luther was a man, who because of his understanding of the heart of God and the Word and the ways of God, was generally cheerful in his disposition. But he did have some bouts with depression and a lot of physical ailments that probably contributed to that over the years. An extremely busy man for various reasons, not the least of which is probably all the pressure he was under, as he was an object of attack and ridicule during the birthing of the Reformation. So there really were times that he struggled with physical and emotional depression.

God gave him just the right woman in Kate or Katherine. As we read about her, we're told that instead of murmuring at these times when he was really discouraged, she would do all that she could to comfort him, to encourage him, to cheer him up.

There was one particular occasion when he was really discouraged. Nothing Kate did seemed to lift him out of the doldrums. Luther actually left home for a few days to try and get back his cheerfulness. But when he came back, he was still very heavyhearted. The story is told that when he entered the house, he found Katherine sitting in the middle of the room dressed in a black gown with a black cloth thrown over her and looking very sad. She had a white handkerchief in her hand, which was wet as if it had been moistened with her tears.

Dr. Luther encouraged her to tell him what was the matter. At first she was hesitant, and then she said, "Oh, Dear Doctor, the Lord in heaven is dead and this is the cause of my grief."

At which point he burst into laughter, knowing that she was doing this to show him what he was acting like. He said, "Oh, dear Kate, it's true! I've been acting as if there were no God in heaven." The story is told that from that moment, his melancholy and despair left him.

Here is a woman who knew how to do good to her husband, how to encourage him, how to be a helper suited to him. That's the heart of what we come to in verse 11. We're reading about a virtuous woman, and excellent woman. We've seen in verse 10 of Proverbs 31 that she's rare, that she's more valuable than any amount of material wealth that her husband can have. Then verse 11 tells us:

The heart of her husband safely trusts her,
So he has no lack of gain or no need of spoil.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life. (vv. 11–12)

I love these two verses because they describe something for us that is true of a woman who reverences the Lord and how this affects her relationship with her husband. The heart of her husband safely trusts her, so he has no lack of gain or no need of spoil. I think the NIV says that "he lacks nothing of value." He trusts her and in her all that he needs.

When I read those verses there are a couple of words that come to my mind. First of all, the obvious word: trustworthiness. Here's a woman who is trustworthy. And then the word "loyalty." She's loyal to her husband. She has a permanent, unconditional, lifetime commitment to act in a way that is according to his best interest—not to serve herself, but to serve her husband.

I like the way the Amplified Bible reads at this point. Listen to what it says. "The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of honest gain or need of dishonest spoil. She comforts, encourages and does him only good as long as there is life within her."

Here is a woman who is loyal. She's got a covenant relationship with her God that enables her to keep her covenant relationship with her husband, regardless of what he does. Don't even think for a moment that this husband doesn't ever blow it, that he doesn't ever fail, that she doesn't ever have to love him unconditionally on faith rather than based on her feelings.

First Corinthians 7 says that the godly woman is concerned about how she may please her husband. She is always looking for ways to do him good. In the Scripture, there are illustrations of some women who did evil to their husbands rather than good.

Who is the first woman who comes to mind? The first woman—Eve. That woman who was made to be a helper became a tempter. Then we have Solomon's wives, who drew away his heart from Jehovah God. Then Jezebel. I mean, that name just kind of for us epitomizes an evil woman. But she was not just an evil woman. She was an evil wife who did evil to her husband. She stirred up her husband to commit wickedness.

Then you remember Job's wife, who called upon her husband to curse God and die when he was suffering. Proverbs talks about women who do their husbands evil and not good. It talks about a brawling woman, a contentious woman, who makes life miserable for her husband.

I think all of us as women have known what it is to be contentious, to be that whiny woman who is like a dripping faucet and makes her husband wish that he could live on the corner of a roof or out in a desert somewhere once he gets tired of that kind of woman, who is not doing him good. She is doing him evil.

She does him good all the days of his life. He trusts in her. He has no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. How long is that? As long as she is alive. As long as he is alive. It doesn't say, "She does him good and not evil as long as he does her good, as long as he is kind to her, as long as he remembers her birthdays and anniversaries, as long as he meets her needs."

"She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." Why? Because she is a covenant-keeping woman. She is a woman who has made a vow. Her vow was first to God, so she says, "I will be faithful to you, regardless of what you do or don't do to me." She is loyal. She is faithful in financial matters. She is not going to spend beyond their means. She is going to do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I have a friend who told me recently about how disconcerting it is to her that she says, "We have friends who have million-dollar mortgages and their husbands are working like crazy to pay the bills for a wife who cannot be content to live within their means."

This woman is faithful. She is loyal. She is a covenant-keeping woman in implementing her husband's heart in the home with the children. When she gives direction to the children, she represents the heart of her husband. He can trust her that when he is gone from home, she is going to be implementing his heart in the home.

He can trust her to speak well of him, to keep confidences—not to go out blabbing things to other women that are private matters in their marriage. He can trust her in the way that she speaks about him. He can trust her to protect his reputation.

Now by saying that, I don't mean necessarily absolutely. There are times when to do good to a husband may mean to appeal to the appropriate authorities at the church, in the civil authorities. If a husband is breaking the law, to do him good is to get him into a position where he can be helped by the law or restrained by the law or by the church authorities. The concept is that you will always speak things that will do him good, that your husband can trust his reputation in your hands.

It makes me very sad to hear women making jokes that are negative jokes or sarcastic or put-down lines about their husbands. They all laugh, but it's not right. She's not being trustworthy. She's not being faithful. She is not being loyal.

This man can trust his wife to meet his physical needs. He has no need of spoil. He has no need to seek marital intimacy elsewhere, because his wife is faithful. Whether she feels like it or not, she is committed to being a giver in the physical aspect of their marriage, to meet his needs sexually. She's faithful to the marriage vow.

I hear about Christian women leaving their husbands and leaving their children. Twenty years ago this was unthinkable, certainly unusual. Today it's not particularly unusual. A woman wants her own life and to do her own thing and have her own life, so she just takes off.

God's way is that this woman will do her husband good and not evil all the days of her life. So, he has no need of jealousy or suspicion. He doesn't have to doubt her love. He doesn't have to be insecure. He doesn't have to look elsewhere to get his needs met. He's confident that while he is gone, while he is at work, while he is at home, she's one in spirit with him, and his interests are safe in his keeping.

She's consistent. She's a covenant-keeper. She has an unconditional commitment and that is what earns the trust of her husband. She always, always, always has his best interest at heart. She's not in competition with him. She's committed to his success. That's what inspires the man to be worthy of her devotion. He rises to that because he knows that he has a woman who is an asset—not a liability. She's a woman who supports and encourages and helps him every way possible.

Now, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to be that kind of woman. You don't have to be incredibly talented to be that kind of woman. You don't have to be physically beautiful to be that kind of woman. You just have to have a heart that reverences the Lord. Out of that heart for God will come that kind of commitment and devotion to your man, to your husband.

Do you have that kind of commitment to your husband? A commitment that by God's grace, you will do your husband good and not evil all the days of your life? That by God's grace, you will be faithful to him, regardless of what he does, regardless how he may or may not live up to your expectations or hopes or dreams.

Have you totally eliminated the "D" word—divorce—from your vocabulary? I mean, if it is even in your vocabulary in your marriage, then you're not this kind of woman. Purpose in your heart, "God, by Your grace"—and it takes the grace of God; no woman can live up to this apart from the Lord—"by Your grace I will do my husband good and not evil all the days of my life."

Is there any area of your life that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you about right now as it relates to your marriage in an area where you've not been trustworthy?

• Maybe spending money that you've kept from your husband?
• Areas where you have not been honest with him?
• Areas where you have hurt his reputation?
• Activities that you are involved in that he's not aware of and you don't want him to be aware?

You've not been trustworthy; you've not been loyal; you've not been faithful. Maybe even now you've been contemplating leaving your husband. Or, maybe in your heart you've left him. You're going to stay there physically but emotionally you've let yourself get detached. You've been hurt and you've crawled into that shell and said, "I'm not going to get hurt again. We'll live together, but I won't give him me." Maybe physically, sexually you've been withholding love from your husband. You're not doing him good.

Would you just agree with God about whatever He's spoken to you about? Confess it, and ask God to give you a faithful heart, a loyal heart, a trustworthy heart, a heart of unconditional, lifetime devotion—keeping that covenant until death do you part.

You may need to go home and sit with your husband at the appropriate time after you've had a chance to think and pray this through and to tell him what you've just told the Lord. Get honest with him. Acknowledge to your husband the ways that you've not been loyal or faithful, the ways you've done him evil and not good. Seek his forgiveness. Then get a fresh start. Commit yourself to do him good all the days of your life.

Thank You, Lord, that You are a covenant-keeping God. As we look at this picture of a woman of excellence or virtue, we are seeing the heart of the Lord Jesus. You have committed Yourself to us. You are utterly trustworthy. You keep Your promises. You have promised to do us good and not evil all the days of our lives. So, make and mold and shape us to that image, the image of Jesus whom we love and in whose name we pray, amen.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth in a series called "To Be Praised," based on Proverbs 31. To hear this entire series so far, you can visit our website, ReviveOurHearts.com, or the way I listen to it every day. I pull it up on the Revive Our Hearts app. 

On Monday, we’ll hear about God’s antidote for laziness . . . work! So, here’s my friendly advice for you: over the weekend, yes, rest and relax some, but don’t laze the whole weekend away! Get something done, too. Nancy will continue in this series from Proverbs 31. I hope you’ll join us.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version.

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