Kind Words

Dannah Gresh: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth wants you to imagine a situation.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: What if I were to tell you that for the past week, we had a little recorder going in your home, and it picked up everything that has been said in your home in the past week—everything your kids said, everything your husband said, and everything you said.

It's a sobering thing to me to realize, and I need to think about it more often, that everything I say is being recorded, that God is recording it. Isn't it sad that we are much more careful about the words that we say outside of our homes than often we are inside our own homes?

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of the devotional booklet The Power of Words, for August 22, 2024. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Nancy has been leading us in a practical, encouraging (sometimes convicting!) study of Proverbs 31. If you’ve missed any of it, you can hear all the teaching so far by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com or by pulling it up on the Revive Our Hearts app. Here’s Nancy.

Nancy: We come to verse 26 today, where we're told that this virtuous woman opens her mouth. Now this is the first verse that says anything about this woman talking. The description started in verse 10, and not until we get to verse 26 did we see any reference to this woman opening her mouth.

That should tell us something. This is not a woman who talks too much. She's not known for her talking. There are other qualities that she's known for: her servant's heart, her compassion, her tenderness, her diligence. But when people think of this woman, it's not what she talks about that's the first thing that comes to mind.

She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

I love this verse. Well, maybe I shouldn't say, "I love this verse." But what I really mean is that I need this verse.

It's a verse in Proverbs 31, probably more than any other, that I come back to over and over again—Proverbs 31:26. If you're going to memorize one verse, in Proverbs 31, you may consider making it this one. "She opens her mouth with wisdom. And on her tongue is the law [or teaching] of kindness."

Wisdom and kindness. Now let me just give us a little context here. First of all, we're talking about a woman who's being described primarily in the context of her home. Now that's not the only place she is, but she's a woman whose life centers around her home.

So we're talking here not just about the way she talks at church, not just the way she talks when she comes to a Revive Our Hearts recording session, but the way that she talks when she's at home with her husband, with her children or some of you, perhaps, with roommates or living with extended family members or other living situations.

But this is that way she talks in her closest circle of friends and relatives. So many of us talk in ways outside our homes that we don't think to talk inside our homes.

When I saw different ones of you this morning, I was quick to greet you, to ask how you're doing, how's your family. I tried to be warm. If I wasn't, forgive me, but I was trying to be.

And when we see each other at church, we are thinking, How could we encourage that person?"Are we thinking that same way when we're in our homes? How can I encourage? How can I speak words that lift up?

You know, I find that when I visit my family, I find that often times, I don't have the common courtesies with them that I do with people outside my family, that I'm not as quick to say, "How're you doing" and then to listen to their answer; to speak words of wisdom and kindness.

And then there are things I do say in the context of my home that I would never think of saying outside the context of my home, in the way I react.

You know, if a guest comes into my home and spills some liquid soap on the carpet or whatever; and they're feeling very terrible about doing it, I'm, "I was planning on replacing that carpet tomorrow anyway; don't worry about it, it's no problem."

But let somebody in my home or in my workplace or somebody that I'm close to "get into my space" or annoy me or do something that I find bothers me; and I'm going to be quicker to point it out, quicker to be critical, quicker to speak words that are not wise or kind.

So this is a verse that we're probably quicker to apply outside our homes than we are in the place where it matters most. And that's where we live every day.

Now let me say, by the way, I know that we have some single women here and a college student, these are things you don't wait until you're married to learn. These are things you need to learn with your roommate, with your people in your work environment—learning to speak words of wisdom and kindness.

I want to say that no matter how many domestic skills you have, no matter how well you can cook and clean and sew, no matter how creative you are, no matter how efficient and organized you are if you're home, no matter how clean your house is, no matter how beautifully decorated your home may be, you can destroy it all with one little instrument called "the tongue."

It's a scary thing to think what damage we women do with our tongues. And that's why I have to go back to our verse over and over and over again and say, "Lord, make me the kind of woman who opens my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue is the law [the teaching] of kindness."

Now this requires to be this kind of woman, self-control. Our problem is that so often we don't have self-control, so we just say whatever we think. And especially when we're with people we know really well, we just let down our hair and we're just not so conscious about what we're saying. We live in a day and age where it's encouraged to just be open, just be authentic, just say your feelings.

Listen, the fact that you think it or that you feel it doesn't necessarily mean that you should say it. Now I'm not promoting dishonesty; I'm not promoting hypocrisy.

But I'm saying that there are some things I feel that I don't need to say. And the fact is that I may be feeling out of sorts. There are times of the month when we struggle more with our reactions because of the way we're feeling. Physically, there may be seasons of life, or hormonally things are just going bonkers, and we want to just let it all out.

I'm saying we need in those times and those seasons of life. . . Maybe because it's just late at night, and you're exhausted. Maybe it's been a long, hard day. That's when we need the Holy Spirit in us to restrain us, to control us. We should not just say everything we're thinking.

You say, "But my kids do it." Where are your kids learning to do it? Now, your kids need to be trained. And I'm not saying the fact that they're unrestrained necessarily means that you are[unrestrained.

But I want to tell you that if you want to develop children who have self-control with their tongues, one of the things that will help a lot is for them to have a mom who lets the Sprit control her tongue.

Here's a woman who opens her mouth. It's the sense that she does this deliberately. She opens her mouth when she has something to say that needs to be said. She doesn't just blurt out. She's not gushing. She's a woman that speaks words that are measured. They're thought through before she says them. Her mouth isn't always open.

Someone said to me recently . . . I wrote this down when I got home, and here's the way I remember it, "Some women have to say something, and some women have something to say." There's a difference, isn't there?

Some women just have to say something. They walk in the room and just gotta say something, and some women just have something to say. And when they do, they say it.

Now, if we're going to be women who speak with wisdom and kindness, that means we have to have a wise, kind heart, because our words reflect our hearts. You don't just wake up one morning and have a wise, kind heart. That has to be cultivated. It has to be tended. It has to be developed. Jesus said, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matt. 12:34).

What comes out of my mouth? If we were to take that recording that I threatened, I told you we had in your home last week and you said, "Well, I didn't mean all that stuff." You know what's really sad? It all came out of the heart. It did. It reflects my heart.

So if I want my words to be different, I need to say, "Lord, I need a different heart. I need You to change my heart."

That may require repentance. It may mean acknowledging first to the Lord and then to your husband, to your children, "I've not had words that are wise and kind. And it's been a reflection of a heart that is angry or impatient. Please forgive me." Then allowing the Lord to change you.

He can, and He will give you that kind of heart. It doesn't come overnight, but as we allow Him to mold us and to shape us and change our hearts, then what comes out of our mouths will reflect the repentant, kind, wise heart that God has put in us.

Dannah: If you want to use your words to build others up, start with your heart. That’s great advice from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, teaching from Proverbs chapter 31. Nancy will be right back with part two of today’s teaching.

First, how many times have you heard something on Revive Our Hearts and thought, Wow, I wish more women could hear this! The emphasis on God’s Word as our authority is, sadly, something we don’t see much of. But let me tell you: there is a way you can help more women have access to the teaching you’re hearing. It’s by making a donation to Revive Our Hearts. 

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We always love thanking you by sending you a helpful resource. This month it’s a booklet by Nancy called Biblical Portrait of Womanhood. She wrote it as a way for you to engage with the various passages in the Bible that have to do with being a woman. Just ask for it when you make your donation. To do that, go to ReviveOurHearts.com and click where you see the word “Donate,” or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

Let’s get back to Nancy, as we learn to build others up with our words.

Nancy: Well, we're on the subject that always makes me a little uncomfortable, and it needs to. In a sense, I hope it makes you uncomfortable, because we as women need a constant reminder from God's Word about the words we speak.

We're looking at Proverbs chapter 31, verse 26, which for me is the most convicting verse in this whole passage. It's talking about the way that she uses her tongue. "She opens her mouth with wisdom," the Scripture says. This virtuous woman, this woman of excellent character, when she does open her mouth to speak, it's with words of wisdom and "on her tongue is the law" or the teaching "of kindness."

Some of you are homeschooling your children. Any of you who have children are teaching your children, whether you realize it or not. You're teaching them a lot; you're teaching them a lot about life. But sometimes you're teaching them more than you realize; you're teaching more than even when you're sitting down in a more formal, structured time to say, "This is our class time."

When you teach your children, is it with the teaching of kindness? When you correct them, which they need to be corrected. It doesn't mean that you never say hard things to your children. But when you point things out in their lives that need to be changed, do you do it with kindness?

You know what? If you're reacting to their actions, you're going to find yourself not teaching with wisdom and kindness. But if you could step back from the situation and get God's perspective on it, then you can be controlled by the Spirit of God. You don't have to be lashing out. You don't have to be angry. You don't have to be saying things you'll wish you hadn't said because you're under the control of God's Spirit.

And that's why it's so important that before we start our day, before we open our mouths to speak to others, that we first get into God's presence and let His Word come into our hearts, into our minds, so that when we open our mouths to speak, what we say will be controlled by what's filling us, which is the Word and the Spirit of God.

If you want to have wisdom, if you want help to speak to your children, your husband and others with wisdom, if you want to know how to give godly counsel, if your children are asking you questions, if others are asking for input (How do you handle this situation in life?), then you need wisdom as a woman. How do you get it? Well the Scripture says, "The Lord gives wisdom. Out of His mouth come knowledge and understanding" (Prov. 2:6).

So you want to be able to have wisdom to speak to others? Then you've got to get into this Book, and get this Book into you so that you know how to speak a godly word in season. You know how speak words that will minister grace to the hear and will minister grace to the moment. If you want words that are kind, you need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. What's the fruit of the Holy Spirit? Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness.

You say, "My children are acting in such a way, or these people that I work with are acting in such a way, it's just so hard to respond in kindness." It may be impossible for you, but it's not impossible for God. His Holy Spirit lives inside of you so He's able, in those moments, to give you a response that is one of kindness.

Now let me say, as I've said before in other sessions, that doesn't mean you'll never blow it. You will blow it. I blow it.

I had lunch with someone last week and ended up in a conversation and saying more than I should have said. A name of another Christian worker came up and someone that God's really using, but I had heard something that was negative about that person. I managed in my conversation with my friend to share what I had heard.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I was convicted in my heart. I'm thinking, I didn't need to say that. I mean, it wasn't really ugly, but it wasn't kind. It wasn't necessary. It didn't minister grace to the person I was telling it to, and I certainly wouldn't have said it if the person I was saying it about was sitting in the room.

But you know, it wasn't until I got back home that I was willing to deal with it. I should have just stopped right at that moment and said, "I shouldn't have said that. Please forgive me." Now the problem is that once we've said it, we've said it.

But having said it, go back and make it right. Go back to the Lord and say, "Please forgive me." It wasn't kind. I wasn't true. It wasn't necessary. Whatever the principle you've violated. And then if you've said it to someone else, go back and make it right—whether it's your mate, your children, somebody at church—go back and make it right. Humble yourself. You'll find that if you humble yourself every time you sin with your mouth, you'll start to sin less frequently with your mouth.

 

If you know that every time you blow it you're going to have to go back and make it right, you'll find that you begin to think before you say it. Stop before you speak. Think and edit before you speak. And that may mean just saying less.

A woman wrote me recently and she said,

I was convicted about my "little sin" when I read the transcript of one of your programs on Revive Our Hearts. Right now there is some tension between my teenage daughter and me, and I tend to use too many words.

We can all relate to this, whether we have teenagers or not. She said,

I never really considered my overuse of words to be sin, but now I see that too many of them surely lead into sin. From now on, before I utter one word to my daughter, I want to consult with God for the few right words to say. I believe this will help to restore a right relationship between my daughter and me.

See, this is important, and that is a wise woman. You know what else that is? That is a repenting woman, and that's what we all need to be—repenters. Not just past tense, "I repented when I got saved," but repenting today.

When I sin with my tongue, with my lips; when my spirit, in the way in which I say the words, isn't appropriate, if I say too many words, repenting and saying, "Lord, fill me with Your Spirit afresh. Give me words of wisdom to speak."

And by the way, I just referenced the way that we say what we say. Especially in our homes, that tone of voice is really important. Kindness is not just what you say; it's how you say it. The danger of speaking too quickly is that oftentimes we speak out of the anger of the moment, the irritation of the moment, without stopping and let God first settle our hearts. That's why it's not a bad idea to stop and count to ten before we open our mouths. But say it with a tone that is kinds.

Listen, your children will be far more responsive to your instruction if it comes with a kind tone. And I know that it's real easy, when you're with these same people all the time, to start to get in a tone that's nagging, that's unpleasant, that's critical, that's demanding, that's controlling. But that's where we need to let the Lord give us His Spirit so that when we speak those words that we will reflect that kind of tone.

I quoted several sessions ago a passage about Sarah Edwards, who was the mother of eleven, and the wife of Jonathan Edwards, who was a leader in the First Great Awakening. And this writer says,

"Sarah made it her rule to speak well of all so far as she could with truth and justice to herself and others, to speak well of all. [That's a good policy to have.] She was not prone to dwell with delight on the imperfections and failings of any. And when she heard other people speaking ill of others, she would say what she thought she could with truth and justice in their excuse or divert the slander by mentioning those things that were commendable in them.

In other words, if she heard somebody saying something unkind about someone else, she would try and change the conversation or divert the conversation or to say something encouraging about that person.

She was careful of everyone's character, even of those who injured and spoke evil of her. And she carefully guarded against the too-common vice of evil speaking and backbiting. She could bear injuries and reproach with great calmness, without any disposition to render evil for evil. But on the contrary, she was ready to pity and forgive those who appeared to be her enemies.

What a commitment, "to speak well of all." That's what the Scripture says we should do—not to grumble against one another, not to criticize one another.

In fact, Proverbs tells us that if you are the kind of woman who is contentious and critical with your tongue, that you will drive your family to the place where they would rather live on the roof or in an attic or out in the desert by themselves than to live in the same house with you.

I've been reading through the Book of Proverbs recently. This thing about contentious women has really been striking me—argumentative women, always debating, always arguing, not opening their mouth with wisdom and with kindness.

You can drive your husband and your children and your friends away if you have that kind of spirit and that kind of tongue. So before you speak, ask yourself:

• Is what I'm about to say wise?
• Is it worth saying?
• Does it need to be said?
• Is it kind?
• Will it edify? Will it build up?
• Will it refresh my family members?
• Will it encourage them?

And it's important that you do say things that do encourage. Don't just think, Boy, I have to go home and now I can't open my mouth. Now that I've heard this session, I can't say anything else in my family.

Know the things you do need to say. Someone came up to me on a break just now and spoke encouraging words about what God was doing to the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. They stopped; they spoke words of encouragement.

You need to do that with your family. When was the last time you affirmed, you praised your husband. You need to praise your children when you see qualities in them that are worthy of praise.

Just simple words like, "Thank you." "I appreciate that." "Thank you for serving me in that way." "Thank you for blessing me in that way." "I really appreciate it when you do this."

You know, you do so much more instruction, effective instruction with that kind of language than with words that are critical and tear down. So if it doesn't meet those qualifications, if it's not wise, if it's not kind, don't say it. Don't say it.

Father, we really, really, really need Your help in this. We can't do this on our own, and we're around people who know how to push our buttons. And often, it's with the people we live with where it's the hardest for us to apply this. Lord, it's not so hard for us sitting in this group, being with women who love the Lord and have a common interest in spiritual matters. It's not hard here to speak words of wisdom and kindness.

But I know some of these women are going back into homes where they have family members who don't speak with wisdom and with kindness, where things are said to them that are critical and unkind and hurtful. And it's going to take all the power of the Holy Spirit for those women to speak back words that are wise and kind, but You can do that in us and through us. And we pray that You would for Jesus' sake, amen.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, praying that we as women will avoid using our tongues to tear others down. Instead, we want the Lord to speak life through us. 

That message is part of Nancy’s teaching on Proverbs 31. The series is called, “To Be Praised: The Woman Who Fears the Lord.” If you’ve missed any of the series so far, you can listen by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com or by going to the Revive Our Hearts app. 

On the next episode, we’ll talk more about what it means to look well to the ways of our households. I hope you’ll join us. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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