Looking Well to the Ways of Her Household

Dannah Gresh: Proverbs 31:27 says the woman who fears the Lord “looks well to the ways of her household.” Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth explains.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Here’s a woman who as she watches over the ways of her household, she’s alert to the details of what’s happening in her family—not so she can be the controller of her family, but so she can be a better servant to her family.

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Biblical Portrait of Womanhood, for August 23, 2024. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve been walking with Nancy through Proverbs 31. And just by way of review, let me read for you Proverbs 31:10–27. I’m reading from the Christian Standard Bible here.

Who can find a wife of noble character?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax
and works with willing hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from far away.
She rises while it is still night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her female servants.

She evaluates a field and buys it;
she plants a vineyard with her earnings.
She draws on her strength
and reveals that her arms are strong.
She sees that her profits are good,
and her lamp never goes out at night.

She extends her hands to the spinning staff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
Her hands reach out to the poor,
and she extends her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid for her household when it snows,
for all in her household are doubly clothed.

She makes her own bed coverings;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known at the city gates,
where he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes and sells linen garments;
she delivers belts to the merchants.

Strength and honor are her clothing,
and she can laugh at the time to come.
Her mouth speaks wisdom,
and loving instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the activities of her household
and is never idle.

Nancy is about to teach on this last verse, verse 27. But before she comes, we want to hear from a dear brother and friend of Revive Our Hearts, Bob Helvey. Several years ago, when Nancy was getting ready to teach on Proverbs 31, Bob gave us this tribute to his wife, Kathy. He wanted us to know how her life exemplified the verse we’ll be looking at today. Let’s listen.

Bob Helvey: "She looks well to the way of her household and doesn't eat the bread of idleness." That's Proverbs 31:27. You know, at first glance verse 27 doesn't seem particularly flattering. It's not one of the Proverbs 31 verses that stands out or is often quoted. But as it relates to my wife, Kathy, mother of three, it speaks volumes.

You see, seventeen years ago our second child, Stephanie, was born with autism. Now a clear diagnosis, as clear as they could give in those days, didn't really come until Steph was about a year old. But Kathy, sensed something was wrong from day one. It would be dishonest of me to say that it didn't shake us to the core. I'd love to say that by faith we steeled ourselves and willingly greeted this trial as a friend, as one translation of James 1:2 puts it. But frankly, we were devastated.

We were in Australia at the time with Campus Crusade for Christ—thousands of miles from parents and close friends. We were confused, dismayed, and even scared. And to be honest, we had times of being angry with God in those early days. But you know, in time, through prayer and time in the Word, and through support from our friends and some tears, we began to at least accept it.

Now, thanking God for it wouldn't come till many years later, when we kind of began to understand why God allows these things to happen to those that trust him. But but once Kathy was willing to receive Stephanie's autism from the God that she knew was both sovereign and loving, she really got stuck into it, as they say in Australia.

Within a year she read everything that she could find published on autism. It wasn't long before she knew more than our pediatricians. She contacted not just the organizations in the U.S. that dealt with autism, but she went right to the top. She spoke to the presidents and the founders. When we returned to the U.S. on furlough, when Steph was about two, Kathy would have appointments with those leading doctors and therapists in this field.

I don't exaggerate when I say that I believe in those early days, Kathy became one of the most informed laypersons of autism in the country, seriously. But what's more amazing is that she hasn't tired or procrastinated or quit for all seventeen years of Stephanie's life. As a result, Stephanie is mainstreamed in the public high school and fairly high functioning for an autistic young person. All this, and while at the same time, she was nurturing two other children and being the best wife that a man could ask for.

Yes, Kathy's looked extremely well to the ways of her household without bitterness, self-pity, or hesitancy. I'm blessed and honored to be the husband of such an awesome woman.

Dannah: After Bob recorded that tribute to Kathy Helvey, she battled leukemia and went home to be with the Lord. What a reminder to all of us of the importance of what we’re studying in Proverbs 31. Time is short. Like Kathy, let’s look well to the ways of our households. Here’s Nancy to help us do that. 

Nancy: When you were growing up, did you ever feel your mother had eyes in the back of her head? You thought, How does she know? How did she see?

Well, according to Proverbs chapter 31, moms are supposed to have eyes in the back of their head. Now, it doesn't exactly say that, but we're going to look at a verse that makes me think of that phrase.

Proverbs chapter 31, verse 27, this virtuous woman, this woman of noble character, the Scripture tells us in verse 27, "She watches over the ways [or affairs] of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness."

Look at that word "she watches." This is a woman who is watchful. She knows what's going on. She's alert; she's tuned to what's going on around her. She's just not letting her family grow up; she is watching as they grow up. She's watching what happens around her. She's like a watchman.

If a man has a job being a night guard at a business or a large home, his job is to make sure that no one comes in or out of those gates without him knowing what's going on. It's his job to watch. It's his job to keep his eyes open. He's not supposed to go to sleep on the job.

You say, "That's right, when you're a mom, you're never allowed to sleep, right?" Well, that's not what this passage is saying. But it is saying that she has a watchful eye. "She watches over the affairs [the ways] of her household." She's alert to the condition of her home. She knows what's going on; she knows the needs of her family. She knows the temperature, the climate of her home.

She's tuned to changes in her children's lives, and by the way, moms, this is one way that you can help your husband because some of these things you're going to be alert to before he is. Women, being typically more relationally-tuned, you may pick up on some of these things or on an issue in one of your children's lives, a seed you see developing that you may be concerned about. A part of being your husband's helper may be that you may bring this to his attention. Now that doesn't mean you nag him about it; it doesn't mean you're the Holy Spirit of his life. You think before you say it. You wait for God's time to make sure you are perceiving it correctly.

As you're watchful, you're being a helper to your husband. You're being a helper to your family. Here's a woman who, as she watches over the ways of her household, she doesn't miss anything. She's alert to the details of what's happening in her family. It's not so that she can be the controller of her family but so that she could be a better servant to her family, so that she could better minister to their needs.

If you don't know what your family's needs are, how can you minister to them? Now, watching over the ways of your household may be as practical as noticing your eight year-old's pants are almost up to his knees. He's growing; he needs some longer britches. That's a practical way that you watch over the ways of your household.

It may mean watching over what they eat and noticing that if your children are having too much sugar, that this is affecting them behaviorally and being alert to the fact that some children just can't handle as much sugar, so watching their diet, their intake, watching over the ways of your household.

But it's a lot easier to watch over the physical aspects of your household than it is to watch over the spiritual aspects of your household, to be tuned to what's happening in your children's hearts.

I sometimes ask parents of children and especially as the children are getting older, as they're approaching the teenage years, "Do you still have your child's heart? Does your child have your heart? What's happening with your child's heart?"

As a mom, you want to be attentive and alert to what's happening in your child's heart. Now some of this you can't know by looking. But I'll tell you what, as you pray for your children and as you're in the Word, the Holy Spirit will help you know what you might not otherwise be able to know. God will give you wisdom. God will give you insight into what's happening in the lives of your children. He'll show you what to watch out for. That's why as a mom you can't do this alone.

Parenting and being a wife, being a virtuous woman, is something that you do by walking in the power of the Holy Spirit. He's the one who enables you to do this.

So here, particularly thinking of a wife and a mom, she's alert to who her children's friends are. I asked a mom the other day, "Are you pleased with the friends your children are choosing?" And the mom knew the answer. She knew who her children's friends were, and she knew what kind of influence those friends were having on her children's lives. She's a mom who's watching well over the ways of her household.

Moms need to know what their children are reading, what they're watching on television. Someone said to me the other day (they were in someone else's home) and they said, "The TV's on an awful lot in that home. I wonder if that mom realizes the influence that's coming into those children's lives."

Watching well over what the children are watching, what they're listening to, what they're wearing. I have to say, moms, I am sometimes just really amazed at the way some parents allow their children to dress when they leave their home. Moms, are you watching well to the ways of your household? Are you watching what your children wear?

"Well," you say, "that's all they'll wear." Listen, you're the mom. God gave you the responsibility. As long as those children are under your authority, under your roof, God gave you the responsibility to watch well to their ways—to know when they're coming in and when they're going out and what they're doing.

Your children, probably at a certain age, will come to the point where they aren't real excited about you knowing everything that they're doing and where they are and who they're with, but that's your job.

Now not, again, so that you can be micromanaging every detail of your children's lives, and one of the challenges that as your children get older is letting them go. But if you have watched well to the ways of your household when your children were young, then you'll find as your children get older that you're better able to release them because they will have adopted God's way of thinking and living and acting.

Watching well to the habits, the activities of your family members, the spiritual development of your children, the climate of your home. You may notice that it's just getting to the point where everybody is going in so many different directions that your family is not really having talk-time, time to just be together.

And you may need to say, "Look, we need some time as a family. We need some time when we close the door, we turn off the TV, we send the other friends home." There's a time to open your door for hospitality, and there's a time to say, "Our family needs to be together. We've been coming and going too much." That's watching well to the ways of your home.

And of course you're not doing this independently of your husband; you're doing it in partnership with him, as his helper. And it may be that your husband, at some point, doesn't see what you see. Then don't nag him about it. Make your point, then back off, and if you're going to make your point again, make it to the Lord. Let the Lord be the one who makes the point to your husband.

There's a balance here because when we start talking about watching well, then I know there are some moms who are going to become ultra-controllers and are going to hang on so tightly that they make their family feel that they have no room to breathe, and that's the balance here.

So when necessary, sound the alarm to your husband. But don't keep your finger on the alarm. Let it go. Let the Lord be the one who puts that on your husband's heart.

Now the second part of this verse tells us something that's important. If you're going to watch well over the ways of your household, then you have to observe the second part, which says, "She does not eat the bread of idleness."

This is not an idle woman. This is an industrious woman, a diligent woman. Being a virtuous woman is a lot of work. It's a hard job. It doesn't come easily or naturally. It requires constantly being on call, constantly being on the job, constantly being alert.

It's interesting that in 1 Timothy chapter 5, the apostle Paul talks about this matter of idleness. He contrasts it, as Proverbs does, to managing your home.

First Timothy chapter 5 talks in the immediate context about young widows. Paul is going to encourage the young widows that they need to get remarried because he says that if they don't, their tendency will be or may be to become idle.

"They will learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house and not only idle, but also gossips and busybodies" (v. 13). You see, when you're not occupied with the things that God has created you to do, when you have time on your hands that God intended to be used for something else, then you're going to fill that time with something. And often what we fill it with is talking. And what happens when we have a lot of time to talk, then we become gossips and busybodies. Paul goes on to say,

"Saying things they ought not to say, so I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage their house, giving no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully" (vv. 13–14 NKJV). Manage the house. You see, if you're idle, you won't be able to manage your house. You won't be able to look well to the ways of your household. But if you're diligent, then you will be able to provide the kind of organization and management and leadership that your home needs.

If you're idle, things in your house are going to be out of control. If you're spending your time doing things that aren't the thing to do for this season of life, then you'll find your house spinning out of control.

And that's when you find women who say, "My house is a mess; I can't get it cleaned up. I can't get it organized. My life is a mess; my life has spun out of control. My children are out of control." These tend to be women who are out of control because they've been idle.

So you see the contrast here? If you're idle, you won't be able to manage your house well. And so Proverbs says, "This woman does manage her house well. She watches well to the ways of her household because she does not eat the bread of idleness."

Father, I pray that You would help us in whatever season of life we are in right now. I know we have some older women, some empty-nesters, some single women, some women in the child-bearing and child-rearing years. Whatever household You've put us in right now, I pray that You'd show us how to look well to the ways of our household, how to be alert, how to be attuned and sensitive to what's happening around us ,and how to be diligent.

Lord, we don't want to be idle, we want to be doing the things that You have given us to do at this season of life, whatever they are, so that our households may reflect the order and the beauty of who You are. I pray in Jesus' name, amen.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth encouraging all of us to look well to the ways of our household. That teaching is part of a series called “To Be Praised,” based on Proverbs 31. To catch up on anything you may have missed, just head to the Revive Our Hearts app, or look it up at ReviveOurHearts.com. 

One of the most important ways moms can look to the ways of their households is to pray for their families. Nancy talked with two women about this, and I’d like to play you some of that conversation. Here’s Nancy talking with Fern Nichols, founder of Moms in Prayer International and Marlae Gritter, former director of global advancement for Moms in Prayer. 

Nancy: Fern tell us, back in the eighties, you had four children. How did God start to birth this vision in your heart?

Fern Nichols: It was one glorious day, but I didn’t know it was going to be so glorious when my two older sons were heading off to junior high school. I prayed for them. I’ve always prayed for them from the womb. My husband and I prayed for them. I’m sure I prayed with a few other people for them.

But that one particular morning, as they were heading out to that junior high school, this incredible, huge burden came upon my soul for their very lives. It was like I was sending them into darkness, to surrogate mothers and fathers who may or may not know my Savior.

The influences of the peers in their life—I mean as a mom your mind just goes. If it isn’t corralled to Jesus in prayer, all of a sudden you can get worried and fearful. It’s a releasing. It’s a releasing of our children to a day that we don’t know what’s happening out there.

I said, “Lord, there must be another mom who feels this same way that we must pray for our kids at this school, for the teachers, for the coaches, for the librarian, for the principal. Everything that touches our child’s life at that school needs prayer.”

I said, “Lord, who would pray with me?”

I knew the power of corporate prayer—that when two or three are gathered together, not only is He in the midst (I mean there’s a special presence of Jesus when we pray together in the Body), but He says, “You pray an agreement prayer and I will answer you.” So I said, “Lord, who is this woman who will come and agree with me in prayer for our kids and at school?”

He laid upon my heart a mom, and her name was Linda. I called Linda and I shared with her my concern, my fear. She said, “Fern, I’d love to get together with you.”

I’d already decided, as a former school teacher, that that hour was going to be an hour of prayer. We weren’t going to talk. We weren’t going to drink coffee. I know. Can you believe that? But we were going to really battle for the lives of our children. Satan wanted them, and we were going to stand in the gap powerfully for them.

We thought of a few other moms that might be interested in coming and praying for the hour. That next week, about five moms met at my home and we prayed that hour in a four-step format. From that humble beginning, which really started selfishly, I guess you could say, for my kids. I wasn’t really thinking of all the kids in the whole world at that moment. It was my two sons. and God used that and knew what He wanted to do with that because He wanted all the children of the world prayed for.

Today, there are almost 20,000 groups in the United States and in 120 countries throughout the world. God is truly raising up a mighty army of moms saying, “Maybe I may not be the best pray-er in the world, but I know the Jesus that I pray to and He will hear me and He will answer my prayer.” That’s how the ministry began.

Nancy: You met in your house. Did you start meeting weekly, initially?

Fern: Yes. Every week we met except for holidays and when the kids are off, even though we pray in our own closets for them.

Nancy: I think moms never stop praying.

Fern: We never stop praying. It’s an unceasing thing. I mean it truly is.

Nancy: But this was a little more intentional and focused in your praying.

Fern: I love you saying that word—it was intentional. Because we need accountability in this area. Not only is there power in the corporate prayer, but there’s accountability.

I know when I was running with my neighbor, we ran a half marathon just because we were accountable to each other, knowing that if I wasn’t out there at 5 a.m., she’d be standing there by herself.

Nancy: Okay, Fern. You can talk about accountability for praying, but let's not get into the running stuff. I don't want any accountability for that. (laughter) Actually, I need some accountability for that. What happened?

Fern: I became stronger and more physically fit. I needed the accountability of that other woman.

It’s like that in prayer sometimes. I really believe that when the Body gets together and you know that other mom is going to be praying for your child—we don’t want to miss out on that.

Then God expanded our vision to other people’s children—the children they would be playing with—their peers. Then we got a list of every child at that school, every teacher at that school.

We really believe that our schools will change no matter if it’s a public school, private school, Christian school, or your little old home school. It will change when lives are changed. We do a lot of evangelism praying in that hour, praying for the salvation of the children and the teachers and the staff.

Nancy: It’s interesting, Marlae, that you say your prayers have not only impacted your children, but from the outset, God used your prayers to change your own heart.

Marlae Gritter: Very much so. When you’re accountable to another mom, or a group of moms, you begin praying. You begin to learn to be vulnerable. You learn that everybody else’s kid isn’t perfect like you think they are. You begin to see, week after week, and you hear that God answered that mom’s prayer.

My prayer life has totally changed. It’s been revolutionary. We hear that over and over. That’s the great side benefit of it.

Nancy: I’m thinking, Fern, about an illustration that you share, an incident that you share in your book. Your husband went on a canoeing trip with one of your sons. You really saw the importance of being responsive and sensitive to the Lord when He prompts you to pray.

Fern: I’m so glad you brought up that particular story. I think it's when you are intentional about praying and praying for others that your heart really gets in tune with the Holy Spirit. When we confess all known sin, then it's the Holy Spirit who is in control. The Holy Spirit teaches you things that you wouldn't know otherwise. Many times I would confess sin just because I didn't know if my children need my prayer at that time. If I was full of myself, I wasn't hearing what they needed. 

My husband and my son were asked to go on a canoe trip. This was in Canada and it was when the flood season was high, but this fellow that was from our church, he was the canoe man. I mean he’d been down the Frasier River many, many times and he felt it was ok to go.

As they were stepping in their canoe, a group of men coming back said, “Don’t go out. It’s really not a good scene out there. You’re taking your lives in your hands.”

Orley looked at our friend—and not blaming our friend, but the friend was the expert. They got in their boat. As they were going down, it did capsize and they were all in the water. At that time, I was at home; I think I was dusting.

Nancy: Of course, you didn’t know what they were facing.

Fern: No, I just knew they were on this wonderful little canoe trip.

I just had this strong impression of the Holy Spirit that I needed to stop and just pray for the lives of my child, Troy, and husband and the other father and his son so much so that I put everything down.

If you knew me, when I’m headed somewhere or cleaning something, it’s like it’s getting done. But I dropped everything, got the Word of God, went to the book of Psalms and just starting crying out for their safety that God would deliver them. I had no idea what was going on.

Later that evening, my husband called and told me this story. About the time that the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray was when the canoe capsized. They were just thrown from the canoe. The miracle of all miracles was, as I was praying. I believe because God says He sends ministering angels. I don’t know where. I don’t know how, but it is a spiritual wonderful thing that God says He does when we cry out to Him.

I believe that angel kept my son and my husband close together. In fact, when Orley became aware of what was going on, Troy's feet were on top of his shoulders. Then he was able to get up with Troy, and the canoe was right there. What's that all about? The canoe should have been down the river!

The other son and father were a little further away. They connected, and they all got to the boat. They were in the middle of the river. I just so happened that a couple was on the side looking, seeing this whole thing, and they called 9-1-1. A rescue helicopter was coming, which they didn't know at the time.

The miracle too is this: in the middle of this Frasier River, there was an elevated piece of land. Their feet just stepped on this piece. The water was over the land. But they were able to get up and out of the water. They were rescued within five minutes.

I will never know until I get to heaven how much different, if anything would have been different, if I hadn't prayed, if I hadn't felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit and stopped what I was doing. The salvation of those four was a result of prayer, of release. Not my great prayers. To intervene in that situation the way He wants—His will, His purposes is a beautiful reminder that we never know when we pray for someone, when we intercede on somebody’s behalf how God intervenes Himself or sends an angel or two or three—I don’t know.

Maybe only one—because the one in the Old Testament it was only one who killed 185,000 of the enemy. I don’t know if you need a whole bunch. These are pretty strong angels.

But to be a part of what God’s heart is for earth, even in your own family on a river; He wants to include us. That’s how sovereignly He’s done it. It’s amazing. Yet, it is our privilege, and it is our command.

He says, “Call unto me and I will answer you, and I will show you great and mighty things” (Jer. 33:3, paraphrase). Hallelujah.

Nancy: Marlae, it’s interesting to me, as Fern was prompted to go to prayer, she said she took her Bible and she went to prayer. The Word of God really needs to be central in our praying. How do you use the Scripture as a mom, in your prayer times and with the Moms in Prayer groups?

Marlae: Amen. God’s Word—I love what God’s Word says about it being living and active. We really take that, and we really believe it. As moms, there are lots of things we can pray.

But what we do is every week, when we come together and get to the intercession time, we literally open up the Word of God and we have it right in front of us. We focus on a Scripture, and we put our child’s name right in that Scripture.

Let me just give an example. I think that’s the easiest. We had a daughter who went through some prodigal years that were very, very tough. The verse of Scripture that I as a mom grabbed on to and in the times when I didn’t know, I didn’t see what God was going to do, was Isaiah 61:3. This is how I prayed with those moms and often prayed also myself.

But I prayed like this: “Lord, I pray that You will bestow on my daughter a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” She was in the ashes. She needed beauty. “The oil of gladness instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”

She was depressed. She was sunk. “I pray, Lord, that some day Michelle will see herself as an oak of righteousness, a planting of You, Lord, for the display of His splendor” (paraphrase).

That’s what praying God’s Word—when we don’t know what to pray, is full of promises. God’s Word is what doesn’t return void. It’s what He says. It’s the truth of His Word. We claim it and claim it and claim it for our children. We just stick their names right in it, and it is the most powerful thing.

Not only for us to pray, but to hear another mom agree with me and say my daughter’s name with that verse and agree that God is doing to do this. In my Bible it says, “9-1-2000 answered” right by that verse because God answered that very prayer, and I’m seeing today in front of me those characteristics that I prayed from that verse.

Praying God’s Word has changed my praying. It’s taken it out of “I don’t really know what to pray, Lord. You know what my child needs.” He does know because His Word is full of it.

Dannah: What a great reminder from Marlae Gritter, Fern Nichols, and Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth talking about the ministry of Moms in Prayer International.

As we mentioned before, prayer is an important part of what it looks like to be a woman who looks well to the ways of her household. If you’re wanting the full biblical portrait of womanhood, I have a recommendation for you. 

Get a copy of the booklet by Nancy, Biblical Portrait of Womanhood. In it, she lists the passages in Scripture that talk about what it looks like to be a woman as God designed us to be. And as she often does, she asks some thought-provoking questions to help us apply those passages to our own lives. 

Well, here in the month of August, we’ll send you this booklet as a thank-you for your donation of any amount to support the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. Contact us with your donation, and be sure to request Biblical Portrait of Womanhood by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. To give, just visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. 

Well, we’ve spent three weeks now, looking at God’s picture of this woman who fears Him. Have you ever wondered, “What’s the benefit of living this way? What’s the reward?” That’s what Nancy will address on Monday. I hope your weekend is wonderful, and we’ll see you again next week, for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan. Calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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