Parents Now, Friends Later

Leslie Basham: You’re getting ready to have a hard discussion with one of your children. Here’s some advice from one of our listeners.

Shirley: We all want to be accepted and loved by our children, but I used to tell this story all the time. I said, “If it comes down to being your friend or being your mom, I’m always going to be your mom; later we’ll be friends.”

Leslie Basham: It’s Monday, June 19th, and this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Last week Nancy was teaching us about modesty in children—how we can train our kids not only to follow the rules about what they wear, but how to teach them to have a modest heart as well.

Some women have been listening along with us, and we’re going to let them tell us what they’ve experienced on the subject. Here’s Nancy to get us started.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I’d like to hear from a spectrum here for a few minutes just how the Lord had spoken to you. Tell us your name, if you would.

Thelma Jackson: My name is Thelma Jackson. I have two adult boys, and we have pretty much of an open relationship when it comes to talking.

I appreciate you challenging us as women to ask the questions, because we can ask the questions and the Lord gives us the answer. Then certainly we will respond, and we will really know and not be ignorant as to what really pleases the Lord.

That was one test that I have used in talking with my youngest son, who is 21. I asked him some questions of the things that he’d seen. At first he was resistant, but he did give me the answers, and I thank the Lord for that.

Now he’s telling me what he is seeing out there, “and momma, I have to hold my head down because I get weak in the knees.” So, we need to protect the men that God has given us.

Debbie White: My name is Debbie White, and I’m involved with our church in some prison ministry Bible studies by correspondence. I have a Bible student who is in Texas, and he’s about the age of my son who’s 27; he’s been committed to prison for 60 years because of pornography and because of things that he has done due to that.

One of the things that he wrote to me recently was that as a teenager, he was going to church, and he was also going places and doing things that he should not have been doing. But he said that his problem came also when he went to church because of the way that the women and the young girls were dressing. So, he quit going. What is that saying to us and our churches?

He has told me, “Warn young men. Warn your young boys, and men in your church, and your families about the dangers of pornography and the way that it affects people.”

Nancy: Thank you, Debbie. Anyone else, something on your heart?

Star Nelson: My name is Star Nelson, and what I’ve learned here today, first of all, is that moms do start with the heart. As the mother of a teenaged daughter, I think I’ll go back and not counsel her so much about what she wears, but talk to her about her heart—for her to look at modesty from the heart.

Also, the way that I raised my son, I think I’ve done pretty well; we tried to get him to understand how to treat ladies. But now I can look at it from a different standpoint, as to what he must be looking at, and help him.

Nancy: Thank you. How has the Lord spoken to you today? What’s been helpful, challenging, convicting? Janet?

Janet: My name is Janet.I was thinking, as wives, those of us who have husbands in our home, I have been guilty of usurping his authority by being in charge of clothing and what’s appropriate for my daughters. Not that I’ve tried to push him away, but I don’t ever remember every time going to him and saying, “Do you think this is appropriate?”

I just thought how wonderful it would be if we could say to our husbands and let our children know, “You know, Daddy has the final say, because he knows.” And I think it would also free him up to let my girls know what men do see—coming from his mouth may be a lot better.

Nancy: Very wise.

Karen Hulk: My name is Karen Hulk, and I have three girls and three boys—the oldest of the boys is 23, and the youngest daughter is 14. A couple of things came to mind to be thinking about.

One is when my girls were young and we went to go shopping—just to think of little girls, little styles. There are so many adult styles that are brought down to the toddler age. Not necessarily even immodest, but a style of dress that might be popular in a woman and remade into a young child.

I think it helps little girls to think of themselves as little girls and to get to the privilege of growing up when they dress according to their age. If you are training what’s appropriate at a young age, then they’ll want to continue to dress in what’s appropriate and be open to your guidance more, I think, if you have been doing it all along.

Another thing that has been helpful in my family is that my husband has taken a very active role in talking about what the girls wear and expressing desires to see what they get. When we go shopping they come back and they show him. On occasion he’s said, “I like this,” or “I don’t like this, it needs to go back,” or something.

Maybe we have had discussions about something even when we’re trying something on, and I’ll say, “Well, let’s just take this home and let Dad . . .” It’s not a thing that’s necessarily overt. It may be that we just want a man’s opinion on how we think this looks. So, we’ll go home and dad will give us his opinion. That’s helped.

Nancy: Karen, let me just say “Amen” to what you said about the styles when they are younger, as preparation for the time when they will be older. I watch a lot of families wear styles that they agree would not be modest for their teenage daughters to be wearing, but they’re thinking it’s cute when their six-year-old daughters are wearing these.

If you don’t want your 16-year-old daughter wearing a bikini bathing suit, then you may want to consider not having your 6-year-old daughter wear a bikini bathing suit. Now, I realize it’s not the same issue when she’s 6 as when she’s 16, but you are training—you’re preparing.

And count on it, if it’s something that you thought was cute and fun and enjoyable when your child was little, they’re going to remember that and wonder why, all of a sudden, at 16 you’re saying this is not okay.

So the choices you’re making when they’re little, as it relates to modesty and what’s appropriate, remember that you are going to live with what you’re training when they are little—you’re going to live with that and reap some of the results as they get older. Someone else, something that has been helpful to you.

(No name given): My parents were probably as strong and persuasive a personality as I am, and yet I did wear them down, and they did give in on certain things. Looking back, I wish that they had really held their ground, both my mom and dad.

I have a lot of regrets about that now because that led to some consequences that, even if they were small . . . you know, what it did in my heart as well as my relationship with the Lord, my relationship with certain people in the youth group and things like that . . . I look back now and wish that they had had higher standards and that I hadn’t tried to wear down the standards that they had, because in certain cases they let me win. Now it makes me not want to make those same mistakes with our children.

Nancy: Someone else—how God has spoken to you today? Something that has been put on your heart in response. Shirley?

Shirley: Hi, my name is Shirley. One of the things that . . . My oldest daughter wasn’t as much of a challenge with this issue as my younger daughter, because there is a lot of peer pressure. But, what I’ve always told my children is that you have peer pressure all your life, because we all have peers.

They’re like a lot of teenagers. They would want to wear what they saw others wear, and she would want to wear what she saw others wearing. We had a lot of discussions about some things that I would not permit her to wear.

It wasn’t that she reached the age of 14 or 15 and she had been wearing this same kind of clothing when she was smaller, because I didn’t allow it even when they were small. I believe the Scripture that you should train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they won’t depart from it (see Proverbs 22:6).

So we had a lot of discussions and a lot of challenges sometimes in that area. But, as parents, we have to be committed. That’s one of the things that I see more and more today, where it seems like parents just kind of bow out because they get tired of the struggle.

They just kind of bow out, and they give up. I would encourage and admonish each one of you, don’t give up on your children. You know, you just stay in there, and you keep doing what you know is right to do.

This particular daughter is 26 years of age today, and I cannot tell you how many times she has come to me and said, “You know, Mom, thank you so much for not letting me do a lot of the things that I wanted to do when I was a teenager, because I look at some of the lives of my friends, and I look at where they are today, and a lot of that can be directly attributed to things that they were allowed to do as teenagers.”

So, I would encourage you to just hang in there and be the parent. We all want to be accepted and loved by our children, but I used to tell this daughter all the time, “If it comes down to being your friend or being your mom, I’m always going to be your mom; later we’ll be friends.”

Leslie Basham: Wow. That’s good advice from one of our listeners.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been leading a discussion on modesty and our kids. If you are inspired to start training a young lady in your life, I hope you’ll order the book by Elizabeth George called A Young Woman After God’s Own Heart. It helps young women think biblically about the issues that they are facing.

There are study questions, and you and your daughter or you and your granddaughter can go through them together. You can order the book A Young Woman After God’s Own Heart at our website, www. ReviveOurHearts.com.

When you contact us, would you consider helping us ? We are able to produce this program because of the generous contributions of our listeners. Here’s Nancy to tell us more.

Nancy: You’ve heard us say from time to time that Revive Our Hearts is a listener-supported program. You may be wondering exactly what that means. Well, first of all it means that we are supported by the prayers of God’s people.

I can’t tell you how important and encouraging your prayers are. I’m so thankful for those who have written to me and said, “I just want you to know that I pray for the ministry of Revive Our Hearts.”

Being a listener-supported program also means that we’re supported financially by the gifts of God’s people who believe in this ministry and want to see this program continue to be aired in their community and on other stations across the United States.

If Revive Our Hearts in any way is making a difference in your life, would you write today and let us know? If you’re praying for us, would you let us know that? Those comments are always so encouraging to me.

And then, if God has made it possible for you to give financially, would you enclose a financial contribution? When you do that, you are saying, “I want this ministry to continue. I want it to be aired on this station in my community.” Make sure you let us know the station on which you hear Revive Our Hearts.

Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for your financial support; by faith we’re joining together saying, “Lord, would You send a revival, a movement of revival in the hearts of women and their marriages and their children and their grandchildren and their churches and their communities? Lord, would You revive our hearts in this day?”

And as we join together, I believe He really will do that.

Leslie Basham: You can donate online at www.ReviveOurHearts.com, or you can call us at 800-569-5959.

Tomorrow, Nancy has some important advice for teenagers. Please join us for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

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