The Power of Exchange

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Why do your words matter so much? Here’s Mary Kassian.

Mary Kassian:Have you ever considered that unkind, ill-tempered speech actually grieves God's Holy Spirit? Let that sink in for a moment.

Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss for Thursday, January 22, 2015.

Nancy:  My good friend, Mary Kassian, has been our guest teacher this week in a series called "Conversation Peace." Mary's a wife, a mom, and a grandmom who lives in Canada. She's written several books, including a Bible study workbook called Conversation Peace.

Yesterday she showed us that words are like plants and those words are connected to roots of attitudes in our hearts. She showed us how to start removing those unhealthy roots. Now the question is, How do you replace those sinful words? Mary's back to talk about that today.  

Mary: My mother was a terrific gardener. She had this amazing vegetable garden. When all of us kids grew up and we didn't need the produce of that garden anymore, she said to my dad, "Cover it up." He did. He covered it up with grass. But then the next summer she got out a spade and she pulled out my dad and she went around the edge of the garden and made this nice curvy line around the edge of the yard, and then she started to plant flowers. She has this amazing, amazing flower garden that is just beautiful. At any time of the summer it is an amazing flower garden.

I seemed to have caught a little bit of the bug in the last few years. It took me many decades to get there, but I've started to enjoy gardening and enjoy the beauty of flowers and the beauty of all the vibrant colors.

The most beautiful garden I've ever seen is located in Western Canada on Vancouver Island. It's called Butchart Gardens, named after Jennie Butchart, the woman who planted and developed it. The garden is a Canadian national historic site. It may very well be the most beautiful garden in the world.

What makes this garden particularly remarkable is that the site was once the biggest eyesore in the area, because in the early 1900s Jennie's husband used the land as a quarry to provide limestone and clay for his nearby cement plant. After the limestone and clay had been removed, an ugly gaping hole over fifty feet deep. That was all that was left in the area. It was grim, gray, and desolate—littered with chunks of rock and stagnant puddles.

A less determined woman would have resigned herself to living with this gaping space, but not Jennie Butchart. When the workers left, she stood atop the quarry wall and began to envision its transformation

She first planted Lombardy, white poplars, and Persian plums to block the view of the cement plant. Then she ordered tons of topsoil to be brought in by horse and buggy from nearby farms and she covered the quarry floor with that soil.

Jennie planted annuals, biennials, perennials, and flowering shrubs of countless varieties in colorful, brilliant combinations. She carefully lined a particularly deep area and created a shimmering lake and pond.

To solve the problem of the stark quarry walls, Jennie dangled over the side in a suspended chair, and she tucked ivy into every little crevice and pocket she could find.

Over the years, Jennie cultivated a Japanese Garden, an Italian Garden, and a spectacular Rose Garden. Friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers began to come for all over the world.

Over the past hundred years, millions of people from all over the world have come to enjoy the beauty of Jennie's garden. From an ugly abandoned quarry to a spectacular, beautiful, welcoming garden—that's the power of exchange!

We're doing a series on the power of transformed speech. In the previous program, we talked about the connection between the heart and the mouth. There's a cause and effect relationship between the two. The quality of the words you speak are connected to the quality of what lies in your heart. I hope you've started looking under the surface of your words to examine the attitudes and thoughts and beliefs of your heart.

And I hope you've started the job of digging out any toxic soil and weeds you've discovered there.

If so, you may have noticed an empty spot in the place they used to occupy. Mom's advice, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," may keep you from sinning with your mouth, but it won't fill the void in your heart.

King David learned that lesson. Psalm 39 opens with David in a state of exasperation. He had chosen not to say bad things to the people who were attacking him, but he found out that biting his tongue and keeping quiet just wasn't enough. David said,

I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence. But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me; as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue.

David's approach to handling his opponents didn't work. Though he didn't sin by "spouting off," he grew increasingly frustrated and angry. He had weeded critical words from his heart, but he hadn't planted anything new and better in their place. He realized that he had absolutely nothing good to say to the people who bothered him.

Empty spaces beg to be filled. If Jennie Butchart had not filled the quarry with good soil and beautiful plants, then the space would have filled with dust, weeds, and stinky slough water. When it comes to our hearts, it isn't enough to clean out the bad, we need to harness the power of exchange to intentionally fill up those spaces with good seeds that will grow and fill the garden of our hearts with beauty.

We're going to take a look at Colossians 3. It talks about what the process looks like. I'll start reading at verse 5:

Therefore, put to death what belongs to your worldly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, God's wrath comes on the disobedient, and you once walked in these things when you were living in them. But now you must also put away all the following [and here Paul starts into a list of weeds that God wants us to dig out of our speech gardens] 

anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self. You are being renewed in knowledge according to the image of your Creator (vv. 5–9).

So the Lord wants me to dig out annoyance, exasperation, vexation, conniptions, hissy fits, animosity, gall, bad language, and lies and mistruth of every shade. Those are all synonyms for the words in that passage. He wants me to dig out those weeds and to dig out all the tainted soil of falsehood and deceit that allows that type of plant to grow in my heart.

To dig up faulty beliefs like, "I am better than that person who hurt me." No. That's not true. God says all have sinned, and I'm a sinner too. Or a faulty belief like, "I have the right to be resentful." No. That's not true. God says I don't have the right to hold on to resentments.

This passage has a long list of speech vices and faulty attitudes and beliefs that God wants us to dig out of our lives. Notice the "get-it-out-of-your-garden" type language:

"Put to death," verse 5, "put it away," verse 8, "put it off," verse 9.

And also notice the opposite instruction to "fill-your-garden" with these new things:

Put on the new self. You are being renewed in knowledge according to the image of your Creator. . . . Therefore, God's chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, put on love—the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful (vv.10, 12–15 HCSB).

We see the same pattern of exchange—get rid of this stuff and fill it with this stuff. We see it in Jennie's garden—bring in the new stuff to fill in where the old stuff was. We see this pattern in Ephesians chapter 4:

[You were taught to] put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth . . .

And I love this verse. I memorized it before we got married, and it has served me well.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. [And what you put on . . .] Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (vv. 22–25, 29–32).

Did you notice how much of the putting off and putting on pattern of exchange involves our patterns of speech? It's huge. The number of times that the issue of speech is addressed in these passages.

The verse that really hits me between the eyes is verse 30: "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." Have you ever considered that unkind, ill-tempered speech actually grieves God's Holy Spirit? Just let that sink in for a moment.

When you are bitter, when you have animosity, when you are demonstrating outrage or antagonism, irritation, when you are yelling at someone or your feathers are all ruffled or rankled, when you demonstrate petulance or indignation or tantrums . . . all these types of speech grieve God's Holy Spirit. The word "grieve" means "to afflict with sorrow, to offend, to cause pain, anguish, and distress."

We grieve God's Holy Spirit when we use our mouths the wrong way, when we speak words that tear down instead of build up. So when you snap your husband's head off, or when you bitterly complain about your mother-in-law's quirks, or when you say something nasty about your neighbor or you criticize your brother or sister, or when you talk about your boss behind her back, you grieve the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit wants us to exchange bad speech habits for good ones. He provides everything we need for digging out the bad stuff and replanting our gardens with good, healthy, beautiful things. Verse 29 is key, "Let no corrupting [or unwholesome] talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

So the standard for the type of speech, for the type of things you want to plant in your garden, there are characteristics of the type of speech that God's Holy Spirit is happy with, the type of speech that makes Him smile.

The first is that it is wholesome and healthy. The language Paul uses is very descriptive. The Greek word for unwholesome, sapros, refers to that which is corrupt or foul. It was used of rotten fruit, vegetables, and other spoiled food, like stinky, rotten fish.

Wholesome words are like good fruit. They are healthy and unblemished. There isn't even a hint of black rottenness in them.

The word describes any kind of speech that stinks or is disgusting to God. The type of speech that stinks or is disgusting, that grieves the Holy Spirit, is any kind of communication that spreads decay, anything that is harmful, anything that is unwholesome—whether it's abusive or harsh language, whether it is vulgar or crass jokes, slander or contemptuous talk, or angry, attacking words or words that injure others.

The Lord wants our words to be wholesome in every way—nothing rotten or stinky in our speech gardens. He just wants healthy plants that produce healthy fruit that smells good and is sweet to the taste. Instead of being rotten, our speech should be "always full of grace, seasoned with salt" (Col. 4:6). Salt preserves. It flavors. It prevents decay. The image is the opposite of that unwholesome, rotten, stinky type of words that grieve the Spirit of God.

The second reason is our speech should be beneficial. Paul spells out the negative type of speech that we need to get rid of, but he follows up with the positive counterpart: "but whatever is good for building others up." The benefit and wellbeing of others is the goal of when we speak. The conversation of Christians should be wholesome and beneficial so that it builds others up, rather than harming or destroying them.

I love that verse in Proverbs 14:1. You may remember it. "Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands" or in this case, with her own words. If you are wise, you will build. If you are foolish, you are going to use your mouth and tear down your own house. You are going to damage those relationships that are the most precious to you.

When you open your mouth to say something to your loved ones, do you think about saying things in such a way so as to benefit them? When you speak to your kids, are you thinking how this can be a benefit to you? How can this be a benefit to my husband? How can this be a benefit to my coworker? How can this be a benefit to my friend? Or are you just thinking about benefitting yourself and getting your agenda across? Beneficial speech builds the other person up. And it also brings the smile of the Holy Spirit. Beneficial speech builds that other person up and brings a smile to the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 4:29 indicates that our speech should be wholesome and healthy, beneficial, and that it should fit the need. There's a qualifier in this verse that different versions of the Bible translate different ways. The word means "according to the need of the moment." God wants us to speak according to the need of the moment that's in front of us. It indicates that when we notice a specific need, our words should aim to meet that need.

The ESV version of the Bible says, "as fits the occasion." The NASB, "according to the need of the moment." The NIV84 says, "according to their needs." The RSV, "as there is need." The Authorized Standard Version, "as the need may be."

God has given us this gift of speech and communication so we can be constructive, we can build into others' lives whenever the need arises.

So if someone is hurting, we can speak comfort.

• If someone is discouraged, we can speak words of cheer.
• If someone is floundering, we can speak affirmation.
• If someone is afraid, we can speak words of strength.
• If someone is anxious, we can speak words of faith.

Have you ever had someone bless you by saying just the right word at just the right time? I have. I still remember a powerful word spoken to me by an old, elderly man whose name was Mr. Purdie. I was seventeen, and he was about 180. It was just one sentence. He stopped. He was walking down the aisle at church. He saw me sitting there dejected, and he sat down beside me and just said one sentence. But it encouraged me and gave me a massive spiritual boost. Even now, decades later, I remember it because it was just what I needed at the time.

That's what God wants from our words. He wants them to be fitting, to build up, to meet the need of the moment. To look into our girlfriend's life and recognize the need and then speak words build and boost her and give her a spiritual lift so that she can go out and meet the day.

Finally, our words should be grace-giving. The Greek word for grace is charis, from which we derive the word "charity." The Lord wants our words to be charitable words—words that bestow unmerited love and favor on others. That's the key there. It's unmerited. You might say, "That person doesn't deserve it." That's the point of grace. We don't deserve it. We don't deserve God's grace.

Your husband, your friend, your coworker may be rude and may be saying things that are unkind. That person may not deserve a grace-soaked word, but God wants you to give it anyway—to be a grace-giver instead of a debt-counter. Our words are a means of ministering God's grace to those around us.

Ephesians 4:29 says, "that it may give grace to those who hear." Are you a debt-counter or a grace-giver? Handing out grace upon grace upon grace. When people come against you with things that are harsh or evil, you return grace to them. Are the words you speak wholesome and healthy? Are they beneficial? Do they aim to meet people's needs?

If you're like me, you probably see a massive gap between what your speech is like, and what the Lord wants your speech to be like. If He's bringing conviction to your heart today, it's not to condemn you, but because He wants to help you change.

By her own admission, Jennie Butchart knew nothing about gardening when she began her project of transforming the quarry. How did a woman who was ignorant about gardening manage to produce a world-class masterpiece?

Well, she recognized that her skills were limited, so she asked for help. She was teachable; she was willing to admit her ignorance; she was eager to see and correct her mistakes, and thrilled to be instructed by anyone with any gardening knowledge.

It took Jennie more than ten years to see the rock quarry transformed into that beautiful garden. Even then, the trees weren't finished growing. And to this day, work continues on Jennie's garden.

It is the same way for your speech transformation project. It's not easy to keep working at relationships; it's not easy to be a grace-giver; it's not easy to be patient to wait for the fruit to grow. Most of us give up far too easily and far too soon.

But if you cooperate with God, if you cooperate with His transformation by pulling out the old and filling your heart with new, you'll harness the power of exchange and your garden will be filled with beauty.

Nancy: Mary Kassian has been our guest teacher here on Revive Our Hearts today. She'll be right back to pray for us.

She's been showing us why it's not enough to try weeding out habits of using our words to sin against others. We need to replace those patterns and use our words to build others up.

This message is part of a series called "Conversation Peace." If you've missed any of the teaching so far, I want to encourage you to download it at ReviveOurHearts.com. I hope you'll use this week's teaching as a launching point to study this rich topic further with Mary. She'll lead you through a scriptural study of your words through a workbook called Conversation Peace. You'll study what God's Word has to say about our tongues, about our words. You'll evaluate the soil of your heart and the words that grow out of it. She'll also help you identify practical ways to bless others through your words.

We'd like to send you a copy of this workbook, Conversation Peace. It's our way of saying "thank you" when you support Revive Our Hearts with a financial gift of any amount.

We're able to bring you this free program only as long as listeners like you support this ministry. So we really need to hear from you. I know you'll benefit from this helpful resource, Conversation Peace. Just ask for the workbook when you call with your donation of any size. The number is 1–800–569–5959, or visit us at ReviveOurHearts.com. We'll send one book per household with your donation this month.

Have you ever thought about how your mouth is like a gate? Mary Kassian will show you how when she's back tomorrow. Be sure to join us for Revive Our Hearts. Here's Mary to close today's program in prayer.

Mary: Heavenly Father, I pray that You will help us commit to this process. Forgive us for the ways we have wounded others; forgive us for being debt-counters instead of grace-givers. Please help us not to grieve your Holy Spirit. Help us to give Your Holy Spirit joy by the way we use our words. Teach us. Oh, how we need You. Thank You that You are our teacher and our guide. In the name of Jesus, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the ESV unless otherwise noted.