The Reward of a Gentle Word

Dannah Gresh: Hi, this is Dannah Gresh. Before we get started on Revive Our Hearts today, I want to let you know about something exciting.

On September 3 this year, Revive Our Hearts will be turning 20! And, it also happens to be Nancy’s birthday. So I want to ask: Would you help us celebrate? If the Lord has used Nancy or Revive Our Hearts in your life to help you say “yes!” to Him, would you briefly share your story with us? We might even feature your voice on an upcoming episode of Revive Our Hearts.

We have a special testimony call-in line set up just for this occasion. You can briefly congratulate Revive Our Hearts, wish Nancy a happy birthday, and let us know a way God is at work in your life.

So get ready to write this number down. Ready? It’s 269–697–6161. Call us and leave us a voicemail telling us how God used Revive Our Hearts in your life. If you get a busy signal, try back later. Thanks so much! And now, here’s today’s edition of Revive Our Hearts.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Dannah Gresh says, according to the Bible, your words can either tear people down . . .

Dannah: Do we understand how deeply painful it is when we use harsh language to wound another soul when sarcastic, hasty, biting words come right out of us, striking not only at the individual who is our target, but at the truth God declares over them in His Word?

Nancy: . . . or build them up.

Dannah: When the style and tone of your communication is generally gentle and soft and wise, there is a good reward.

Nancy: We’ll take a closer look at that reward today on the Revive Our Hearts podcast. It’s July 28, 2021, and I’m Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.

We’ve been camping out the whole month of July on a simple two-word phrase: Be kind. Not only does God command that, but it makes life a lot more pleasant for us and for those around us when we show the kindness of Christ.

Over the past couple of days on Revive Our Hearts, my cohost, Dannah Gresh, has been taking us to Proverbs 15, verses 1 through 4, showing us the power and wisdom of a gentle word, a soft answer.

And let me just say that Dannah Gresh is one of the people I know who best exemplifies in her own conversation, her own spirit, the beauty and the power of a gentle word. I’ve seen that in her over and over again. So what you’ve been hearing from her is not just a message she’s prepared in her notes. It’s a life message. She has taught me a lot about the power of a soft answer.

Well, today Dannah talks about the reward of a gentle word. Let’s listen.

Dannah: I feel very honored that you’ve chosen to spend some of your incredibly valuable time with me today. I think you’ve made a wise choice, because we’re going to dig into God’s Word together here on Revive Our Hearts. I want to speak life-giving words over you. In fact, I just did. Settle in and prepare your soul to receive more.

Did you know the Bible promises us that words like that release a sweetness in our souls, a healing in our spirits? I bet you feel a little better already, don’t you? I hope so. And there’s more of those kinds of life-giving truthful words coming up soon.

But first, I want to contrast the beauty of life-giving words with something that’s happening in our culture, and it troubles me greatly. To understand what I’m about to share with you, let’s go back a few decades for a trip down memory lane. I want you to hear some slang from the decades.

First stop: The 1950s when things, well, the things teens were making cool sounded pretty life-giving, to be honest. Here are two teenagers talking in an actual video archive from that decade.

Girl: You sound like you need a helper. Could I lend a hand?

Boy: Would you? I mean, would you, really?

Girl: Sure, I’d like it.

Dannah: Isn’t that sweet? It’s so incredibly wholesome.

Well, I’m afraid that’s the end of the good news because, at first, in-style language just kind of got silly. But slang ever so slowly lost its life-giving quality. At first it just became, well, less helpful.

Like in the 1980s, the era when I was a teenager, and we were remembered for being valley girls.

Girl 1: But tubular, well, it’s a totally great day, like, totally awesome!

Girl 2: Gag me with a spoon. It’s totally yuck.

Dannah: After that, things unraveled pretty quickly.

And today, I can’t actually play a clip for you for what an in-style teen girl sounds like these days. It would be incredibly profane. To greet one another, many young women use filthy, body-shaming language in a tone of disdain or disapproval. And I’m not talking about when they’re in conflict, but when they’re in good standing with each other. To call one another dirty names, what’s called cringe culture is what’s trending today.

Now, I’m not saying Christian girls are talking like that. Many Christian moms don’t find that their daughters use profane language, but the girls do mimic the tone. And that’s what I’m here to talk to you about today, because it may be better than the profane language coming from some teen and college-age women, but our plumbline is not the world, is it? We’re supposed to use God’s Word as our plumbline of truth to guide our behavior, and that includes the way we greet each other.

We’re in a series where we’re learning the power of a gentle word. And what’s in style among younger women today? Well, it’s far from gentle. It’s certainly not kind or soft. And the result is an unkind, harsh style of communication. And I see it bleeding over into family interactions.

So I want to ask: If I could hang out in your house for a day, would the style of communication better reflect the unkind harsh trend in our culture? Or would it accurately reveal what God’s Word encourages: gentleness and softness flavored with wisdom?

The way we talk, not just the things we say—it matters. And today we’ll dig down deep to examine God’s Word in an effort to see if our own style of communication lines up with the truth of Scripture. Or, we might discover that it’s cringe worthy.

Grab the young women in your life. Today’s Revive Our Hearts is one to share with them or at least to prepare you to have a good, solid, truth-filled conversation with them.

I want to invite you to grab your Bible, if it’s nearby, and actually turn to Proverbs 15. We’re going to get to the fun part of Proverbs 15:1-4 today.

Let’s review what we’ve done so far:

On our first day of study, we explored the power of a gentle word. Verse 1 reads: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

When we choose to have a self-controlled response in the face of conflict and frustration, it quiets the rage and angst in both our own heart and the person we’re communicating with.

Then yesterday we learned about the wisdom of a gentle answer. Verse 2 reads: “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.”

Let me remind you: There’s a space between the stimulus that frustrates us and our response. And what we choose in that space reveals whether we’re wise or foolish.

Well, those two things may have stepped on your toes and could have convicted you and been difficult to apply. I’m so glad you’re still with me, because now we get to explore what I’m calling the reward of a gentle answer.

There are actually two of them, and we find them in verses 3 and 4 of Proverbs chapter 15. Let’s read verse 3 to see the first reward: “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.”

This verse is basically saying God’s eyes are everywhere. He’s taking notes about what He sees. And He’s watching over the ones He loves and who love Him, but He’s also recording the words of the wicked.

Let’s look at reward number one:

God sees. He sees what we’re doing. That includes observing our interactions with others. He hears what we’re saying, and He intends to reward what He sees accordingly, or in a way that’s appropriate for what He sees.

Now, a reward is a thing given in accordance with one’s service, effort or achievement. And we think of it as a good thing usually, right? It can also be a bad thing.

The fact that God rewards us based on what He sees us do, based on what He hears us say, that’s either really good news for you—a reward in the best sense of the word—or it could be bad news, which could mean a punishment or some discipline is in order. Either way, it’ll be deserved. Either way, you’ll reap what you sow.

Let’s look at the bad reward first. (I’m a girl who prefers to rip the bad news off fast, like a Band-Aid.)

Now, in the context of this passage, contrasting soft, gentle words to harsh ones, we can assume that if the style of your communication is largely unkind, reactive, and hurtful, then you should have some fear when you think about the fact that God is watching.

Ecclesiastes 12:14 reads: “For God will bring every deed into judgment with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”

That should strike terror into your heart, into my heart, if the way we’re speaking to our husband, our children, if those things are harsh and ugly as a general pattern.

God’s Word says, “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good” (Prov. 15:3).

Let me ask: Would you want me to see how you speak to your husband? Would you want me to hear how you talk to your children behind closed doors where no one else sees, where it’s in secret?

Well, God does see, and His Word indicates that He will respond protectively for your sweet child and even for your husband if what you’re doing and saying is harsh and unkind.

And can I just take a moment to tell you, in case your heart desperately needs to hear it: God also sees if you’re the one not being treated well by your husband. God will judge a man who does not speak to his wife with kind, gentle, soft, life-giving language.

But if your husband is verbally abusive to you, don’t give in to the temptation to retaliate with ugly, hateful language. I can promise you one thing: That won’t serve you well. It will only make you and him angrier. And, if you keep giving in to it, and it becomes a pattern, it could result in you becoming foolish like him. I beg you: Don’t do that. Don’t do it.

But, friend, let me also tell you this: You do not have to be abused and treated badly.

I want to ask you to tell someone today. Get help. It’s okay to remove yourself from a situation that’s abusive. God doesn’t want that for you. He will eventually have something to say to a man who has treated his wife harshly or abusively.

Would you believe that this actually brings me to the good news in this verse? (Stick with me here.)

When the style and tone of your communication is generally gentle and soft and wise, there is a good reward. Listen to what Scripture says in 2 Chronicles chapter 16: “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him” (v. 9).

God sees, and He’s looking not only to judge those who use their tongue unwisely, but to give strong support—not just any support—the strong kind, to those who use their mouths with wisdom and gentleness.

God sees. “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” He sees how you are reacting. He sees how you are speaking. That should fill your heart with great comfort. It’s good news if you’re speaking softly, gently, and responding with wisdom rather than reacting in haste.

Reward number one: God is watching. And He will be your constant support if He finds a blameless heart out of which springs soft, gentle words marked by wisdom.

There’s a second reward tucked here in Proverbs 15 in verse 4, and it’s this: God will use your words. Proverbs 15:4 reads: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.” That’s the good news.

But before we get to that, there’s also a potential negative consequence. We see that in the last part of verse 4. We’re warned that “perverse words break the spirit.” To paraphrase the whole verse, when you speak gentle, healing words, it’s like offering someone you know and love fruit from a tree that’s full of life. But—the word used here is perverse—perverse language does nothing but crush and break and destroy hearts.

Again, let’s go ahead and get the bad news in this verse out of the way. “Perverseness breaks the spirit.” The Hebrew word for perverseness in this verse refers to falsehood, perversion of truth, a distortion of truth, and maybe even viciousness.

Now, do you remember how I told you that the style of communication, the slang that’s popular today is to use perverse, unwholesome words, twisted, untruthful words to greet one another? Just recently, I overheard two tween girls, and this is how they greeted one another:

“Hello. You’re so dumb.”

“I know. You’re so dumb, too.’

And they said this, not to be mean, but to greet each other. God’s Word has something to say about that. It says those are perverse words. Don’t do it. Don’t speak those kinds of words. Every woman is an image bearer. Every woman is a masterpiece created by Him. To speak otherwise is nothing more than a terrible lie, a perversion of truth.

Let me remind you: Your words have power. Just as a gentle word can turn away wrath, perverse words, words that are twisted and untrue, those kinds of words—they can turn on pain.

Let me tell you about cringe culture.

I cringe when I hear a Christian girl blurt out an ugly word when she greets a friend, or her mom—I’ve seen that, too.

I cringe when I see a college-aged girl post that kind of greeting on her social media platform. She’s planting pain whether she knows it or not. She’s planting pain into her friends, into her family, into her world.

I don’t even understand it. In a culture where women march with posters that demand to be treated with respect and dignity and equality, how is it that no one is saying, “Hey, if we want men to use respectful language with us, maybe we should use respectful words with each other? Maybe we should not use harsh, ugly words towards each other.” It’s double minded. It’s destructive.

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

Let me talk to you a little bit about breaking the spirit with perverse and harsh words. Sadly, I’ve learned this firsthand. You see, many years ago, probably about fifteen, Bob and I attended a week-long marriage retreat. We got a little bit of one-on-one time with a counselor. Now, this man claimed to be a Christian, and I think he probably was, but I’m not sure he knew His Bible very well.

When I shared some frustration in my marriage in this counseling session, this man suggested that I had repressed anger, (now, at the time, that was probably true), and I needed to find some healthy, wholesome, godly ways to communicate better with my husband. And that’s something that Bob Gresh has always welcomed, whether I had good things or bad things to say.

Then the counselor asked me: “How often do you cuss at Bob?”

Well, the answer was, “Never.”

Well, that made him want to know if I ever just let it rip to express my anger.

The answer wasn’t, “Never,” but it was, “Seldom.”

This, the man assured me, was the problem.

But let me tell you, that was not true. What he was about to give me was not good, and it was not biblical advice. This man told me that he could help me tap into my true feelings. He said, “We could start with just one word.” And he invited me to begin to use a very specific, derogatory word at my husband—right then and there.

It wasn’t just profane. Here’s a bigger problem: It wasn’t truthful.

And this man wanted me to speak an untruthful, hateful word over my husband, and he wanted me to say it viciously. He wanted me to say it every time I felt frustrated with Bob.

Now, do you remember yesterday I told you that there is a space between every stimulus and our response? And in this space, we can decide what to fill it with. It’s our choice. And I encouraged you to fill yours with wisdom.

Well, this man was telling me to fill it with the wrong thing, with a lack of self-control, with harshness and viciousness and an untruthful, filthy word. He was inviting me to fill that space with folly. That’s what this man was coaching me to do.

I’m really sad to say this, but I gave it a try. “It’s just a word,” I reasoned on my way home. “And it’s not the worst of all the bad words. Maybe I am repressed. What if I’m repressed?” Behind closed doors, in secret places, where no one but my husband heard the ugly, harsh spews, I did what the counselor suggested. I let it rip.

I can’t tell you how much I regret that. Within a few days, more and more uncontrolled, unkind, far-from-gentle and even that one ugly cuss word delivered in an attitude of disdain and anger and fury—it poured out of me.

And here’s the thing: In my eyes, I could see my husband’s spirit breaking, just like Proverbs 15:4 claims. “Perverse language crushes the heart.” I could see his spirit breaking.

But here’s the thing: I could not stop what I’d started.

My heart breaks to think what lies and wounds I’d planted in my sweet, good, image-bearing husband in those few short weeks of my unbridled, ugly, harsh words. I do actually cringe when I think of it.

Do you know what happened? A week or so into this, I was driving down the road, and a driver cut me off. And in that instant, I blurted out that word at the other driver. I spoke the power of untruth into the air against an image-bearer of God. I degraded that masterpiece of God. And that’s when I knew I had a problem. You see, I’d never had road rage before—or since—and I was fairly certain I had no repressed grudge against the driver I never even met.

On the drive home, I asked the Lord to forgive me and to help me. I knew that I’d lost control of my mouth. It had become harsh, ugly, vicious. And God is so good to help us when we ask. He’ll do that if you ask.

That week I heard a Bible teaching on Isaiah 6 where the prophet writes about his vision of being in the presence of God. He sees God on His throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe gloriously fills the temple. Angels are on each side of the Lord, crying out together, “Holy, Holy, Holy.” And then in verse 5, we see Isaiah’s response to what he’s experiencing. Listen as I read to you what Isaiah said:

“Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!”

The moment Isaiah was in the presence of God, he felt unworthy. “Woe is me!” Why? His lips. His lips were not clean. His lips were not clean? Really? That struck me as a little odd. He’s in the presence of God’s holiness, and the thing he’s most worried about is his mouth? When I really thought about it, that surprised me.

What would you think of in God’s presence? What makes you unclean? There are so many sins we consider worse than what we say—pornography, addiction, theft, over-spending, abortion. Was Isaiah that perfect? Or was God illuminating something important for us?

Our words matter more than we think. They have power. And when used destructively, our words, according to Proverbs 15:4 can break the spirits of God’s children, God’s image-bearing, masterfully created children.

Do we understand how deeply painful it is when we use harsh language to wound another soul, when sarcastic, hasty, biting words come right out of us, striking not only at the individual who is our target, but at the truth God declares over them in His Word?

I wonder, How would you respond, how would I respond were we to be in the presence of our holy God and simultaneously be aware of the words that come out of our mouths? Would we cry, “Woe is me!”? I fear, for me, the answer is, “Yes.”

Listen my friend, God’s holiness leaves no room for the harsh, vitriolic, vicious words that so easily pop right out of us.

And consider this: While it is true God will use your words if you let Him. It seems also true that Satan will use them, too, if you let him. Just as Proverbs 15 promises, “perverse words break the spirit.”

But there’s a good reward here in verse 4. “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.”

I want to be a woman, I want you to be a woman who chooses gentle words, tempered by wisdom, so that God can be the one to make use of them. And as I look at this phrase, “A gentle tongue is a tree of life,” I asked myself two questions.

“What kind of words does God use?” and “How does He use them?”

What kind of words does He use? Well, “a gentle tongue is a tree of life.” The ESV version uses the word “gentle” again here in this verse. If you recall, it’s used in verse 1. But several of the commentaries I referenced said a better translation here in verse 4 might have been “healing.”

The words used suggested there was a curative or healing power in our tongue. There, once again, is the power of a gentle word. “A healing tongue is a tree of life.” It’s healing. It’s a medicine. It’s quite the opposite of perverse words.

Now, how does God use our words? Well, they’ll be like a tree of life. Gentle, soft words, tempered by wisdom, are wholesome. And that, according to God’s Word, is life giving.

Jesus actually said something like this when He walked the earth. It’s recorded in John 6:63. Let me read that to you.

It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.

Jesus said, “The words I have spoken to you are life.” Words have power. We must use them with wisdom. And the reward of using them well is that we cooperate with Christ, and we bring life as He did.

Now if at this point all of this is feeling like too much—“It’s so hard. A lot of work.”—lean into John 6:63 a little bit with me.

“It is the Spirit who gives life.” Not me. Not you. Not our mouths. The Spirit.

And let’s not forget that gentleness and self-control, they’re both fruit—of what? Of our white-knuckling to have better words? No! Gentleness and self-control are the fruit of God’s Spirit.

Rest easy, my friend. If this seems hard, if being gentle seems difficult, it should be because we need God’s Spirit to help us.

Do you remember that space between what frustrates us, the stimuli, and our response? Use it. Make it a tool to turn you to God in prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you with gentleness, with self-control so that your words can bring life and your mouth becomes a tree of life from which you pass out healing. Thankfully, I know something about this, too.

A few years ago, Bob and I were having brunch with Robert and Nancy Wolgemuth at one of our favorite spots in Indianapolis. We had just finished a Revive Our Hearts women event, and Robert, an absolutely great husband, and a man who’s written some good books on men shepherding their wives, well, he put on his counseling hat for Bob and Dannah Gresh. And unlike the other man I told you about, Robert does know his Bible.

When we shared some of what we’d been recently working through in our communication as a couple, Robert pulled out his phone and searched for something that he wanted to show us. He asked us, “Do you know what sets the stage for how you communicate as a couple?”

Well, we wanted to know, so we leaned in, and he told us, “It’s how you greet each other.”

And then showed us a video on his phone. It was of a dog greeting his human. Now, the dog’s ears were perked up. His mouth was open, as if in a smile. He was wagging his tail, standing on his hind feet, prancing in place with excitement.

Robert said, “No matter how you feel, valuing the other person when you greet them is essential.”

Now, I’ve got to be honest. I thought Robert was a little off his rocker. Was I going to wag my tail like a dog when Bob walked into the house? But I knew there must be wisdom in this, so I decided to try it. I determined to intentionally greet Bob more enthusiastically. And do you know what I realized in the attempts? Just how frequently I was not greeting him at all.

Friend, our phones do us no good sometimes. The blessings of our words for husbands, children, friends, well, they’ve been stripped away so often by the screens in front of our faces. That’s what I discovered.

Greeting Bob doesn’t mean wagging my tail. Just in case you wondered. (laughter) But it does mean I put my phone down when he arrives home, and, for the record, I’m terrible at this and constantly have to push reset on my commitment.

It means I meet him at the door with a hug.

It means on the way to the door, I think of words to speak over him that bless, affirm, and give life to him.

It means I say sweet, little things: “I missed you. There you are. Welcome home. I’m so glad you’re back.”

I use words infused with confidence in who he is, loaded with the expectation of the impact that my husband can have on the world. “What great things did you do today, Babe? How did you change the world today?”

I use words that say, “I’m available to you,” like “How was your day? Are you hungry? Can I get you something? You want to talk? Or do you just want to hang out in your man cave? That’s okay, too.”

And as I applied Robert’s tail-wagging technique, I could see my husband’s spirit flourishing.

Few things, my friends, are more appealing than gentle, soft, wholesome, life-giving words, even if they’re just simple and sweet.

Proverbs 16:24 reads, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb,sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

“Health to the body.” Did you hear that? Life giving, health to the body.

My own heart has certainly been soothed, strengthened, and really helped by this simple redirection in our relationship. If you’re listening, thank you, Robert. I can see the life-giving quality in these simple, gentle, enthusiastic words.

And right now, I’m watching Bob Gresh be the best version of himself. There are many things in his relationship with the Lord that no doubt deserve the ultimate credit for what I’m watching. But I’ll take a little credit for what I see unfolding as I’ve bridled my tongue and embraced softness, infused with wisdom when needed. I’ve experienced the true reward of a gentle answer. God has given me a front-row seat to see the impact of life-giving words in my husband’s life.

What do the seats look like in the theater of your life? Do you see the destruction of harsh language in your family and friends? Or do you have a front-row seat to watch soft, wholesome speech bring forth life?

If you don’t like what you’re seeing played out, let me remind you, it’s not just your eyes seeing it. “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.”

God sees what you’re seeing, and He probably sees it more clearly, which is why He warns us that a tongue that is perverse, that does not reflect the truth of a person or situation, that kind of a tongue breaks spirits.

But here’s what I hope you’ll press into: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.”

Nancy: Amen. “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.” Why don’t you just say it with me: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.”

Thank you, Dannah Gresh, for these precious reminders from Proverbs 15 on the power, the wisdom, and as we heard today, the reward of a gentle word.

Now, just a word of encouragement to you, our listener: If the Lord has been working in your heart today, if you’ve heard what Dannah shared, and you felt maybe convicted about your words, or maybe you realize that your words have been less like “a tree of life” and more like a prickly, thorny, hurtful shrub; I want to challenge you to take a closer look at what God’s Word has to say about our words.

One great way to do that is by using a four-week devotional study we’ve developed here at Revive Our Hearts. It’s called, The Power of Words. This booklet is based on teaching I’ve done in the past, looking at words in the book of Proverbs. And we walked through many different proverbs on the tongue.

“Death and life,” says Proverbs 18:21, “are in the power of the tongue.”

Our words truly are powerful, and we want to be life givers with our words.

Today, if you contact Revive Our Hearts with a donation of any amount, we’d love to thank you by sending you a copy of my devotional study, The Power of Words.

You can get in touch with us at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1–800–569–5959. When you make your gift, be sure to ask for our booklet, The Power of Words. It’s available exclusively through Revive Our Hearts. And thank you so much for your donation which will make an eternal difference in the lives of women around the world.

Well, we can never speak gentle words until we properly understand the heart of Jesus Himself. He described Himself as being gentle and lowly of heart. Tomorrow pastor and author Dane Ortlund joins us to talk about the heart of Christ towards sinners and sufferers. It’s a conversation you won’t want to miss.

Encouraging you to use life-giving words, Revive Our Hearts is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the ESV.

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