Unattainable Standard or Hope—Giving Model?

Dannah Gresh: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has some important questions.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Where are you getting your ideas of womanhood? Who shaped your standard? Has it been shaped by the world or shaped by the Word of God?

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Biblical Portrait of Womanhood, for August 8, 2024. I’m Dannah Gresh.

So far this week Nancy’s been leading us through the first few verses of Proverbs chapter 31. She’s covered a lot of practical topics like the value of teaching your children and whether believers are free to drink in moderation. 

But when most of us hear “Proverbs 31,” we actually think about verses 10–31—the verses about the famed “Proverbs 31 woman.”

For the next couple of weeks or so, we will get to know this Proverbs 31 woman better. To begin, Nancy’s just going to read Proverbs 31:10–31 in the New Living 1996 Translation. 

Nancy: 

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
   She is worth more than precious rubies.
Her husband can trust her,
   and she will greatly enrich his life.
She will not hinder him,
  but help him all her life.

She finds wool and flax
   and busily spins it.
She is like a merchant's ship,
   bringing her food from afar.
She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
   and plan the day's work for her servant girls.

She goes out to inspect a field and buys it;
   with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She is energetic and strong,
   a hard worker.
She watches for bargains.
   her lights burn late into the night.

Her hands are busy spinning thread,
   her fingers twisting fiber.
She extends a helping hand to the poor
   and opens her arms to the needy.
She has no fear of winter for her household,
   because all of them have warm clothes.

She quilts her own bedspreads.
   She dresses like royalty in gowns of finest cloth.
Her husband is well known . . .
   for he sits in the counsel meeting with the other civic leaders.
She makes belted linen garments
   and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
   and she laughs with no fear of the future.
When she speaks, [notice that this is the first time in the passage where she does speak] her words are wise,
   and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions.
She carefully watches all that goes on in her household
   and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.
   This is her reward. Her husband praises her.
"There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
   but you surpass them all!"

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
   but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done.
   Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Dannah: As Nancy read those verses from Proverbs 31, what emotions came to you? If your thoughts were ambivalent or even negative, Nancy says, "You're not alone."

Nancy: I was reading an article on Proverbs 31, and this writer said, “Does the Proverbs 31 woman have a name? I vote for Mrs. Get On Your Nerves, or Mrs. I Have No Friends Because I’m So Perfect.” And this woman went on—the article was called “Not Her Again”—she went on to tell why it was that she feels so intimidated by this Proverbs 31 woman.

Well, true confessions here. When we read or hear about the Proverbs 31 woman, it’s with mixed emotions. In fact as I told women I was going to be teaching this series, I got at points the skeptical and negative looks and eyes rolling and sighs. Actually, I'm surprised that some of you showed up here this morning—maybe it was because you didn't know what we were going to be talking about. I hear, and have thought myself, some of these words in terms of responding to this woman.

The word “tired” comes to mind as I read this chapter. You’re familiar with the passage—on and on and on about all the things this woman does. She gets up early in the morning; she stays up late at night; she just burns the candle at both ends, and she is so busy. You can read this passage and just feel tired. If you weren’t before you read it, you are after you read it!

Another word that comes to mind is the word “overwhelmed.” How does she do it all—and with no technology in her day and age such as we have today? It’s easy to feel defeated or to feel like a failure. It’s easy to look at this standard—this picture of a woman of virtue—and feel, “This is impossible!” Then the next thought is, “I guess I’d just better give up. I can never be this kind of woman.” So we have feelings of comparison, feelings of guilt.

It's no wonder that you don't get a real enthusiastic response from women when you hear there is going to be a session or a new book on Proverbs 31. In fact, I have to confess to you that as a young woman, I really did not like this woman. She's just very domestic, very capable in some areas where I feel very lacking.

In fact, my dad encouraged us over the years to read a chapter of Proverbs every day. There are thirty-one chapters in the Book of Proverbs. This way you can read through the Book of Proverbs once a month. I remember being glad that most months didn't have thirty-one days. I think it is five in a year. But you didn't have to read Proverbs 31 every month.

But I want to tell you that over the years—and even more recently, over recent weeks as I’ve been preparing for this series—I have learned to love this woman. And I want to tell you that you’re going to learn to love her, too. I want to ask you to hang in there because I think you're going to come away with a great sense of encouragement and thankfulness that God has put this chapter in the Bible, to help us become the women that He wants us to be.

So I’m going to ask you not only to endure with this lengthy series on Proverbs 31, but more than that, to take a 31-day challenge and to read the 31 verses of Proverbs 31 every day for the next 31 days.

Some of you have already started that—you started with us earlier in the week when we challenged you with that. Wherever you are, continuing or just starting today, I’m going to challenge you for the next 31 days to read Proverbs 31 every day, and to jot down notes in your personal journal about what the Lord shows you by His Spirit as you open this passage.

I’m going to share with you what God’s been teaching me, but God will show you, as you read this passage, things that I haven’t caught—things I haven’t picked up. Then note how this applies to your life and how God is changing you through the power of His Word.

This is not just a nice inspirational poem that we put on afghans and cross-stitch pieces. It's nice that way, but more than that, it's the Word of God. I’ve just got to tell you that over the last few weeks, as I have been meditating and swimming in this passage—just living in it—that God has been doing a fresh, sanctifying work of grace in my own heart. That’s what the Word does for us. It liberates us; it sets us free. This passage has been encouraging my heart in my pilgrimage toward Christ-likeness.

So we’re going to take our time—as we have already with the first nine verses—now, as we pick up at verse 10, this portrait of a virtuous woman. We’re not going to hurry through this passage. I can’t tell you exactly how many sessions it will take. We’ll finish when we’re finished. Even last night, as I was falling asleep . . . turned out the light, and was meditating on this passage, God was giving fresh and new insights. And I thought, We’d better stop and teach this, or it will be a year-long series.

You take time to look through women’s magazines to see what a beautiful woman, a beautiful home, a beautiful marriage looks like. I want to challenge you over this next month to put down those magazines. Put them away. I’m not saying they’re necessarily sinful or wrong; I’m just saying they’re what this world has to offer in terms of a picture of beauty.

Instead, pick up this picture. Matthew Henry called it a looking glass which every woman ought to look into as she dresses herself. Pick up this picture and examine it. Take time—spend time in it studying it—and then ask yourself, “Where am I getting my picture of what it means to be a woman?” Where are you getting your ideas of womanhood? Who shaped your standard? Was it shaped by the world, or has it been shaped by the Word of God?

The vision and the heart of the whole Revive Our Hearts ministry is that God would use this ministry, along with others, to raise up a whole new generation of women who look in this looking glass—who look in the mirror of God’s Word and say, “This will be my standard. This will be my ideal. This is what, by God’s grace, I will allow to be the pattern for my life.” And then, women who can teach their daughters and teach their sons, even as this passage . . .

Remember from the last few days, these are the words of a king remembering what his mother taught him when he was a young prince. She was teaching him the qualities to look for in a wife, and saying, “It’s important that you think about who you marry. You’re going to live with that person a long time, and she is going to shape and mold your life for better and for worse. So make sure that you look for a wife who has these kinds of qualifications.”

I’m sure that this mother also prayed that these would be the qualities that her son would look for in a wife. Be sure to be teaching your children by your example—but also by your instruction—teaching your sons what kind of qualities to look for in a wife.

I was with some friends recently who were telling me that when their daughter, in her early twenties, brought home the young man she was interested in (who ultimately became her husband), these parents, Tom and Jeannie, said, “We have been praying for twenty-some years for our daughter’s husband-to-be, long before we knew him. We had been praying for this young man, and when we met him, is it any surprise that we knew that he was the one? We recognized him because we had been praying for him all these years.” What a role to have as a parent!

Now, just by way of introduction to this section of Proverbs 31—and some of you will be aware of this—verses 10–31 form an acrostic poem. There are twenty-two verses, beginning at verse 10, and each of those verses begins with a consecutive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. The Hebrew alphabet has twenty-two letters. These are really—in English we could say—the ABCs of a godly woman.

Maybe this mother taught her son in this way to aid his remembering what it was that she taught him. Mom, look for creative ways to help your children remember. This woman did it by means of, “A means . . . B means . . . C means . . . and each of these is a quality of what is a godly woman.”

Now, it’s easy, when we’re reading this passage, to focus on all the things that this woman does—all the skills that she has, all her accomplishments, all her achievements. But can I tell you, that is not the heart of this passage.

The heart of this passage is the woman’s heart. It’s her relationship with God, and out of that relationship comes flowing all the things that she does. It’s a picture of her character, her conduct, her priorities, her values, her daily routine, her marriage, her family life. But all of that flows out of the fact that here is a woman who has a reverence for God.

That reverence for God is at the core of who she is; it’s at the core of her being; it’s what defines her. And that reverence for God is what then expresses itself in all these different ways that we’re going to look at when we pick up with Proverbs chapter 31, verse 10. A virtuous, an excellent, and a noble woman, who can find.

Dannah: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth isn’t done. We’ll get back to our introduction to the Proverbs 31 woman. But before Nancy comes back, let me mention her booklet on a Biblical Portrait of Womanhood. The concept of Biblical womanhood has come under fire, and sometimes that is because people misunderstand what God’s Word says about it. Or because people insert human opinion on the matter without consulting God’s Word. So it’s important to know what the Bible actually says about God’s design for us as women. 

Here in August, this booklet by Nancy is our gift to you in appreciation for your donation of any amount. So contact us with your financial support, and request Nancy’s booklet Biblical Portrait of Womanhood. You can give by going to ReviveOurHearts.com, or by calling 1-800-569-5959.

Now, let’s get back to Nancy as she helps us get to know the wife of noble character found in Proverbs 31. As we’ve gotten to know this woman today, have you asked yourself a question?

Nancy: Now as I read that passage, maybe you have these recurring thoughts of Oh, this is so hard! This is so impossible! Who can imagine a woman like this? Well, actually that's what the passage starts out by saying. "Who can find a woman like this? She is indeed rare."

There's a sense in which the woman we just read about is a composite portrait of ideal womanhood. Yet there's another sense in which I believe she can actually be a real woman. If this woman is a real woman, if King Lemuel's mother was describing a woman she actually knew, someone that was perhaps a grandmother, someone she was using as the example to sit in for this painting, you can be sure of several things about this woman. These aren't things you read about in the text.

But if she is a real woman, as we are, then you can be sure there are several things that are true of her. There are things she wishes were different about her husband. He has weaknesses. He blows it, and she does, too. There are probably days she wishes she was single instead of married. This is part of the Proverbs 31 woman that you don't read in Proverbs 31. She has struggles in her marriage. Sometimes she and her husband can't communicate with each other. Sometimes he doesn't communicate at all. Somes he has not clue what she's trying to communicate.

They obviously, if you read this passage, deal with the problem of busyness. When do they have time to connect with each other. They have differences. They are incompatible.  

I can tell you something else about this woman for sure. Sometimes she feels unappreciated for her all efforts. There are times when no one says, "Thank you. I really appreciated that." There are times when she is tempted to envy women who are in a different season of life.

This Proverbs 31 woman I can tell you something else. She probably sometimes feels like a real failure. Others can see and appreciate things about her that she can't see in herself.

I've had women say to me as I've been preparing this study, "I'm just nothing like that woman." I look at some of these women and I have thought and I've said to some of them, "You know, you really are. I see in you—and I see in many of you women—a lot of these qualities." Some of you, that describes what you are doing in life. You're caring for your husband; you're caring for your children; you're caring for your home; you're caring for the things of God. That's what you are doing, but you often feel like you're doing it imperfectly, as we all are—as this woman was. That's what makes us appreciate grace.

There are things that are true in your life if you are walking with God that you can't see and appreciate but that others see and admire in you, as we do this woman.

I can tell you that sometimes this woman feels like giving up. She wonders if it is worth all the effort she puts into her family and her home. Sometimes she feels overwhelmed by all she has to do, just as we often feel that way. There are times when she is just bone weary and feels that she cannot go another step. She's exhausted at times, as we are at times. I can tell you, if this is a real woman, that she has a monthly cycle and she has hormones. Those hormones change and cause her fits at times of her life.

She has to deal with the real issues of being a woman on this fallen planet. She is not just this perfect thing that we construct that just comes off the pages of Scripture and has no reality to her. She deals with the same issues that we do. She has spiritual dry times, times when it seems like God is very far away from her.

She's a woman who does have virtuous character, and she does have an intimate relationship with God and her husband, but I can tell you this: she didn't get there overnight and she hasn't yet arrived. She's a woman in process. She's a woman who is growing. She is a woman who, like most of us, often finds herself taking three steps forward and two steps back. Spiritual maturity is not so much where you are as the direction in which you're headed. Here's a woman who is in process, she is in direction

So being a virtuous woman doesn't mean that she doesn't have the same struggles and challenges that we all have as women.

 

I want to make two statements that I'm going to repeat probably many times throughout this series, because I want this to get into the fiber of your thinking. Here are the two statements. First of all, no woman can be like the woman that we read about in Proverbs 31. It's an impossible standard for any human being to measure up to. On your own you cannot be, and on my own I cannot be, like this woman. Anything we do try to do on our own in our own striving and efforts is not the righteousness of God. It's not pleasing or acceptable to God.

The only way we can ever please God is through the righteousness of Christ, through His excellency. He is the only One who has ever measured up to God's standard of holiness. So here is the first statement: no woman can be like this woman on her own.

But here's another statement. It sounds like the opposite, and it's just as true. Any woman who is a child of God can be like this woman. Any woman who is a child of God can be like this woman because Jesus lives in us! He is the One who fulfills the righteousness of God. So as we're filled with the Holy Spirit, you and I can be a virtuous, an excellent woman. The most outstanding thing about this woman is not all the things so can do. As we've said, it is her heart. It's her priorities; it's her values.

There are three bottom lines that come to me out of this passage. I'll just touch on them here and then we'll come back to them throughout this series. But first is the fact that she fears the Lord. She is a woman who reverences God. That is more important than everything else she does. As we've said, everything she does flows out of this reverence for God. She's seeking to please Him first and foremost. That's at the heart of the matter. Don't lose that when you get stuck in these things about her spinning wool and flax, not going to sleep at night and getting in the first of the day. Don't get lost in all those details and forget the big picture that here is a woman who reverences God. You can reverence God.

Many of you women I know personally do reverence the Lord. You have a heart and a hunger for Him. That's why you're here. That's why you're listening to this. You want to be a woman of God. That's the core of the matter.

Then I see, although the word isn't used in this passage, that here is a woman who is a lover. She loves. She's got the fruit of the Spirit in her life, which is love. It's a love that's joyful. It's a love that's peaceful. It's patient. Kind. Good. Faithful. Gentle. Self-controlled. All these qualities we're going to read about, it's the fruit of the Spirit. It's a woman who loves God and loves her husband and loves her children. The fruit of that love is seen in all these different qualities.

Then she is a woman who has a servant's heart. It strikes me as I read this passage that she is utterly selfless. There are hardly any references to her doing anything for herself. Our culture would tell us, "That makes a miserable woman." But as I just read that passage, did that sound like a miserable woman to you? Here is a woman who has joy. You see, the world has sold us a bill of goods. It has told us that if you look out for yourself, then you'll be happy.

But look at all those women out there looking out for themselves. Are they happy? It's the women who live for God and others, who serve, who are the women who are truly joyful. So I want you to be encouraged as we open up this portrait, as we see the picture painted. Whether you are married or single, whether you are young or old, you can become an excellent woman, such as the woman in the portrait that we see in this passage.

I'll say it again: you cannot become that woman on your own. Apart from Christ you can never be virtuous or excellent. But through the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit—the Gospel of Christ—we are able to be transformed one day at a time, one experience at a time, one step at a time, into the likeness of Christ.

The day is coming when I'll be like this woman, and you are too. Be encouraged. Put the next foot down, take the next step. Let God make you, make us, into this kind of woman.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth giving you hope. Because of what Jesus has done, we can be completely right with God. And He can help us grow into exactly the women He wants us to be.

That message is part of a series on Proverbs 31 called “To Be Praised: The Woman Who Fears the Lord.” If you missed any of it so far, you can catch up on the Revive Our Hearts app, or by listening at ReviveOurHearts.com. 

As a listener-supported program, we depend on donations from friends like you to give and help us continue calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ. Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

Now, today is a big day at Revive Our Hearts because registration is now open for our conference next fall, True Woman ’25! Make plans to join us October 2–4, 2025 in person or online for a time of meaningful worship, teaching, and experiencing the beauty of beholding God’s Word. Hear from trusted voices, including Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Jackie Hill Perry, and Dr. Kevin DeYoung. Find out more details and sign up at TrueWoman25.com.

Tomorrow Nancy will be back with more on this wife of noble character. I hope you’ll start viewing her not as an impossible ideal, but as someone Jesus wants to make you into. We’ll talk more about that.  Please be back for Revive Our Hearts

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

All Scripture is taken from the NLT96.

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