A Foundation for Marriage

This program was created from the following episodes:
 

"Where We Come From"

"Encouraging the Dad in Your Life"

"The Important Purpose of Your Marriage"

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Dannah Gresh: How would your marriage change if you became your husband's biggest cheerleader?

Stephen Kendrick: Husbands should be their wife's number one fan, wives should be their husband's number one fan. You can’t wait on your spouse to get their act together. You always have to take the initiative, whoever you are, to step forward and do that.

Dannah: Today we'll talk about how to build a firm foundation in marriage—one that puts Christ at the center and you in the cheering section.

Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend, I’m Dannah Gresh. 

A few summers ago Bob and I were on our way to visit Robert and Nancy Wolgemuth in Niles, Michigan. Can't you just picture the two of us driving in our white Pilot family car, probably snacking on trail mix? 

As we were driving North on I-65 toward Michigan, my husband decided it was time we have what I will call, a "discussion."  He said he was concerned that we don't have any common interests. No common interests?! 

As I was trying to figure out what he was really trying to say to me, a word came to mind. The word was "football."

But it made no sense until we were at Robert and Nancy’s and I heard them talking about how much they loved baseball. Baseball?! My Nancy loves baseball? Well, she’d learned to love it, because Robert does.

I felt it was probably the Lord nudging me. But here's the thing, I'm not that girl—I don't do the sport-team thing. At first I wasn't obedient. Pretty soon though, I knew it was an assignment from the Lord and a way to love my husband practically. After a while, I even started to enjoy it, though I’ll never probably be his dream wife in that specific area. I can now appreciate his love of football and even talk about it. I know the names of some of the players, in fact.

You know, Bob and I entered marriage with more differences than just our feelings about sports. And, friend, you may have entered into your own marriage with some differences that are far more serious.

If that sounds familiar, lean in, pay close attention to what Crawford and Karen Loritts have to share. Crawford and Karen have been married for over fifty years. Crawford is a pastor and author, and Karen is a speaker who has been a part of many Revive Our Hearts events. And for years they've spoken together at FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember marriage events. 

Crawford and Karen talked with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth about marriage. Crawford feels that we may be so caught up with certain parts of marriage that we forget what marriage really is. Here’s Crawford to explain.

Crawford Loritts: I sometimes think that when we read Ephesians chapter 5, we focus so much on the roles that we have in marriage—the husband and his job, the wife and her responsibility—that we really forget the picture that is there. The picture there is that marriage is to tell the truth about the gospel, it’s to tell the truth about Christ’s relationship to the Church, and that marriage is the ultimate illustration of what the gospel should be about in all of human history. So our marriage has to tell the truth about Jesus. That’s what we give to the culture, and that’s what we give to succeeding generations. 

Karen Loritts: I know that was one of the things that as part of our wedding ceremony on May 22, 1971 at 2:37 in the afternoon, when I said, “I do.” I remember that.

Crawford: Do you remember the time?

Karen: 2:37 on May 22, 1971. I stood there with my family and my friends and our colleagues from church, and I looked into Crawford’s eyes and made that vow that I was going to love him and honor and keep those vows. My family, they weren’t Christians, were looking to me to see would this really work. 

And so every time I look at what God has done in our marriage, that can be a drawing card to my family members. Some of them still aren’t believers, but I took a vow, and I really meant that, because I had never seen that before in our family. I grew up in a dysfunctional type of environment with my cousins, my aunts, and my mamma and all that. But that God would bless me to keep a vow, and it’s all of God. 

Crawford: And by God’s grace, and I say this purely by God’s amazing grace . . . We’re not the fourth members of the Trinity. We haven’t done things perfectly here. But by God’s amazing grace, he’s used our marriage really to be a model and example to so many, not only in Karen’s family, but . . . A number of her relatives have come to Jesus, and a lot of that in large part because of seeing the transforming power of Christ in Karen’s life and in our relationship it’s been amazing. 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: One of the things I love about your story is that you brought two very different backgrounds into marriage. That’s not unusual I suppose, but you both had parents and grandparents and great-grandparents who impacted your lives—some not in positive ways. But as you came into marriage and into Christ, He was able to redeem and to overrule the past. I think that’s a word of hope for people who are maybe younger married couples today, or even contemplating marriage. People who say, “Wow, I have this horrendous background.” In fact, Karen, you told Crawford years after your honeymoon that on the last night of your honeymoon you had a little bit of a meltdown.

Karen: I had a meltdown. We were at this great place out in a little village outside of Philadelphia. I was getting ready to go out for our last night together having dinner, and I looked into the mirror and I just started crying. I said, “What in the world have I gotten myself into? This poor man does not know what he’s marrying!” I was ready to be a bride, but I was not ready to be a wife.

I called on God. I said, “God, you have got to help me because this is going to be a hard situation. You know, Crawford comes from this great legacy of godliness, his mom and his dad they loved Jesus and were married for years and years. And I come from a single parent, living under poverty, in the streets of Philadelphia. But God saved me, and now I’ve married this man and said those vows days ago, and now I’m gonna have to live it. I was scared to death. And looking in that mirror I asked God, “God, you have got to show up and help me.” 

Nancy: So what was it you were scared of?

Karen: I was scared I wasn’t gonna be able to do all the stuff I promised to do in those vows: to love, honor, cherish, obey. I meant all those vows, but now I have to go down and live it, and I had no models for that, I had no models in my home. My mother was a single parent, all of us had different fathers, and it was just a mess. But God took my mess and made a message of my life. 

Crawford: A friend of mine, and Nancy I think you know him too, H. B. Charles, who’s a prominent preacher said something at a conference: Your past may explain you, but it doesn’t excuse you. Meaning that all of us have dysfunction in our background. One of the things that I think is a little pet peeve with me is that I think in our desire to be sympathetic and merciful and gracious and kind, we so elevate the dysfunction that we come from. It sort of diminishes the power of the cross to give us new beginnings, to change everything, including where we came from. 

I think of my bride here, and sometimes the tears will fill my eyes when I see the mother she has become, and to see how she’s imprinting our children, and how the Word of God has been dear and near to her. That’s the transforming power of Christ, because the cross changed everything in Karen’s life. It did the same thing in my mother. 

If you’re listening to us right now and you’re struggling in your marriage, and you’re wondering, Oh, how can I get over my background and all of these things? Second Corinthians 5:17 is in the Bible, “If any man or woman be in Christ they’re a new creature. Old things are passed away; behold all things become new” (paraphrased). Now, that’s not “Pollyanna.” It doesn’t mean that you won’t have to deal with the residue of bad feelings and all of that. But if God could raise a dead Jesus, He can change everything in our lives—including giving us a new beginning to help us overcome our backgrounds.

Karen: I was so afraid of disappointing God, because I had taken a vow, and God’s reputation was at stake. If I couldn’t live up to what I believed God to do in my life, then my family would say, “Well, we don’t want to know the God that Karen knows, because he’s just like us.” It’s been really amazing.

Crawford: Yes. It’s the hope and the power of the cross there. You know Karen’s story, and my story is so very different. I mean, I’m blessed beyond measure, and no one can ever boast with what God’s given to you. In fact, I feel this incredible responsibility because of the favor of God in my background.

My great-grandfather Peter was a slave. My dad remembered him. And you say, “Dad remembered him?” My father was born in 1914, and Peter lived to be an old man, and my dad remembered Peter. He was illiterate. He prayed and sang and had memorized portions of Scripture—the stories that he would make his children and grandchildren read him, these familiar passages over and over again. 

I don’t know where Peter got this from, but he had a passion for his family. He had a passion for his wife and his children. He passed that down to my grandfather Milton. He and my grandmother Anna had fourteen kids—seven boys and seven girls. They loved the Lord Jesus, and they prayed for a time that they couldn’t see. My dad loved the Lord, and then forging these generations. 

So I had that growing up: I had a mother and a father in the home, and I never wondered whether or not they were going to be together or that I’d come home and one would be gone. I never had that vision. That impacted me greatly. 

But my mother, interestingly enough, comes from a similar background as Karen does. My mother never knew who her father was. And yet as a young lady, a young teenager, she gave her heart and life to Jesus, and that changed everything for her. And my mother, just like Karen, had an amazing passion for her children. I suppose it was Christ, and also to compensate from where she came from. She felt, “This is not going to happen to my family.” She made a decision, and so that’s how things got turned around for us. 

Nancy: So you saw in your family—your dad and your mom—a lot of character, a lot of integrity. That’s in your DNA. 

Dannah: That was Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth talking with Crawford and Karen Loritts. Oh, I love that story—the strength of the Loritts' family generation after generation. That conversation held a lot of truth. You might be like Karen and don’t have the strongest of examples in your family in  the area of marriage. But if God is the center, He will build the strong foundation you need to last through the years.

If you’d like to hear more encouragement on marriage from Crawford and Karen Loritts, we have a link to their entire conversation with Nancy at our website. Go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on today’s episode.

If you’re married, you might be looking for ways to refresh your own marriage? 

Stephen Kendrick recommends taking some of our marriage cues from Hebrews 3:13. While you grab a pen and jot down that reference—Hebrews 3:13—I'll read it for us:

But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin's deception.

Encourage each other daily. We get to come alongside our spouse every day and cheer them on. We get to be their biggest fan.

I spoke with Stephen, what a great man of God, and I asked Stephen why he thinks it's so important for a wife to show her husband respect. 

Stephen Kendrick: The way God has wired men . . . If you didn’t already know this, let me clue you in, respect is like oxygen to a man. He goes to places where he is respected the most, he avoids situations where he is respected the least. 

Men want to respect one another—the way they stand, the way they compete, the way they talk about who they are. There is this value that they want to receive. Women long for love. If you ask a woman, “Would you rather be loved or respected,” she will tend to say, “Loved.” 

If you ask a man, “Would you rather be loved or respected, he will tend to say, “Respected.” To respect, that honor word there means to give them special weight, in a sense. What I tell people is, what if the president of a company asked you to do something, as opposed to the janitor? How would you treat it differently?

What if someone said, “Would you do this for me?” And you’re like, “Eh, I don’t know if I have time.” And then what if they said, “I will give you a million dollars if you will do this for me.” Suddenly, you give their request greater weight; it has more value to you.

I think about my kids. If they are supposed to be in their bed, and they’ve already gotten up and gone to the bathroom three times, and then they say, “Daddy, will you bring me a drink of water?” I’m like, “I’ve told you to go to bed three times already!” How much weight does that have?

Compare that to King David’s men when he said he wanted a drink of water. They crossed the enemy lines, laid their lives down, because they valued—gave full weight to—his request in that situation.

So if you realize women long for their husbands to not only love them, but to speak to them lovingly, to touch them lovingly, to serve them lovingly. Well, think about men. When men are interacting with others, they want you in all the interactions for there to be this fragrance of respect. They long for it.

Here’s what happens when men are not treated with respect, they will do one of two bad things: They will either get angry and go on the attack, or they will disengage and withdraw. Both of those are things that wives don’t want from their husbands!

And so, the Scriptures communicate to husbands, “Love your wives, as Christ loved the church” (Eph. 5:25). Because of God’s love for you, you love her. Receive it from your Father, pour it out on your wife. 

It even communicates in a sense, “Bloom her with your love,” because Scripture says that Jesus cherished and nourished the church to present her to himself, a spotless bride. (see Eph. 5:27) Basically, Jesus is sanctifying us, He’s growing us, “blooming” us with His love, His truth poured out into our lives.

And so, husbands should be doing that for their wives, blooming them with their love. If you flip that around, though, the command of Scripture to wives is, “Treat your husband with respect” (see Eph. 5:33). Basically, men will let the people who love and respect them the most influence them and their decisions. They will resist those who are speaking to them in disrespectful ways.

So when God is saying to a wife, “Speak to your husband with respect, treat him with respect, honor his words with respect,” He’s giving you the key to his heart—where he pulls you in close, and then wants to love on you and take care of you. He wants to be around you. He wants to give greater weight to your requests, when he feels respected in that situation.

Dannah: That was Stephen Kendrick. What he shared reminded me of something my pastor, Paul Grabill, who is now with the Lord, about respect. He once told Bob and I during a counseling session. Bob and I, “The primary reason that it’s like this is so that we can reflect the kingdom of God. The kingdom of God is a kingdom; it’s not a democracy.” 

Isn't that good? 

Paul reminded us that "there is a hierarchy of authority, and we are modeling that in the husband/wife relationship. That’s the most important reason marriage is structured this way in Scripture." 

Then Pastor Grabill looked at me and said, “One of the reasons, Dannah, you’re having trouble submitting, and one of the reasons Paul wrote about this is because submission and respect don’t come as naturally to women. They do to men." 

Then he looked at my husband and he said, "Bob, we guys have a harder time loving. God is calling us each to be sanctified in those areas where we need some sanctification."

You know, as I take steps to keep learning how to respect my husband, and as Bob takes steps to keep learning how to love me, it feels a little like dancing.

Dennis and Barbara Rainey would agree with that metaphor. They've been married for fifty years. They founded the ministry FamilyLife and have spent their lives studying how marriage works. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth asked Dennis and Barbara what is one thing they are doing to keep their marriage fresh and growing.

Barbara Rainey: But one of the things that we have just started doing is that last year at Christmas our children gave us ballroom dancing lessons as a gift. Dennis kind of looked at it like ah-oh.

Dennis Rainey: Judgment day!

Nancy: This wasn’t top on your Christmas gift list?

Dennis: Well, we’ve been talking about doing this for a long time, and it really was fine with me. But I think rhythm is a matter of genetics and DNA.

Nancy: You have it or you don’t?

Dennis: God just didn’t give me many cards on this one.

Barbara: So anyway, we got this gift and we signed up a couple months after we got it, and we have been taking dancing lessons. I have to tell you, it’s been a lot of fun, and we’ve learned a lot. But I’ll tell you what’s really been the most interesting about this is what we’re learning about marriage from dancing lessons.

That is, the man when you are dancing, has to be in charge. He’s the leader. The woman has to follow. Of course, I mean it’s kind of a, "Duh. I knew that."

We had a lesson not too long ago where the male instructor worked with me and the female instructor worked with Dennis, and she helped him learn how to lead better. The male instructor was teaching me how to follow.

At first I thought, "Okay, I know how to do this. I mean I’m a better dancer than my husband anyway. So what am I supposed to get out of this?" Well, he worked with me almost the whole time on following, and I realized at the end of that lesson that it’s still hard for me to follow. I mean we’ve been married for thirty-seven years, and I still have a hard time following.

Nancy: Meaning you would rather do what?

Dennis: Take over! Take over! What do you mean what would she like to do?

Nancy: I just wanted to hear you say it.

Barbara: Yes, because when we would dance on the prior lessons because I . . . it’s kind of like this thing we talked about earlier about how I thought that I was more spiritual than my husband. I thought I’m a better dancer than he is too, because I do have a little bit more rhythm than he does. So when he kind of didn’t know what to do, I felt like it was my job to help him know what to do so that we looked good on the dance floor.

Nancy: What happens when you reverse the roles on the dance floor?

Dennis: It makes the man not want to dance. Now apply that to life. Same thing’s true in a marriage relationship and a family. If a woman takes over, the man will let her.

Nancy: So you’re not going to fight her for it?

Dennis: No. No. A man will do that. For me on the dance floor we were going through some of this, and I was having to learn how to better lead. There’s a way to make a cradle . . .

Nancy: . . with your arms?

Dennis: With your arms. Where you’re not a noodle but you’re strong, and as a man you’re showing the direction you’re going on the dance floor.

Nancy: You’re leading.

Barbara: What I learned was that I was to be really, really sensitive to any movement that he made so that I could respond accordingly rather than trying to anticipate which way he’s going to go and move accordingly. You’re touching one another, and you have to be sensitive to any shift in movement or pressure of the arms or the shoulders or whatever.

I just thought how true that is in marriage because God has called us to be one. So that means I need to be so in touch with him that I can follow these suggestions, and he doesn’t have to whack me upside the head to say we’re going this way. I am following his lead, and if I’m really one with him, then I’m going to be sensitive to where he is leading me and therefore follow.

Nancy: And responsive.

Barbara: Yes. It was very instructive, and I think it’s going to be good for our marriage too, interestingly.

Dennis: Picture putting your hand straight out and your palms facing your spouse. That’s how they started out with us. Barbara and I were facing each other. We put our palms and hands together, fingers to fingers, palms to palms. Then they said walk backwards. I would push Barbara backwards and we’d get to the wall, and she would push me.

Barbara: But I had to be sensitive to when he stopped so that I stopped and I didn’t keep going. So you’re communicating through your hands. So when it was time for him to stop, I had to be paying attention to that pressure on my hands from his hands to stop when he stopped. So that when he started going the other direction, I could then respond and follow.

Dennis: I just wonder how many married couples if they began to think of their marriage relationship instead of competition—who’s going to lead, who’s going to take over, a battle for control. But instead if they really learned what the husband’s responsibility was—to lead, to love, to serve, to deny himself. And the wife learned how to respect and yes, the “S” word—submit, and learned how to follow. It sure works on the dance floor, and as we’ve applied it in our marriage, it works in our marriage, too.

Barbara: It works much more smoothly if you follow the rules.

Dennis: You’re not fighting one another for control.

Nancy: Ultimately, that’s a picture of our submission and responsiveness to Christ. When you have Him at the proper place, as Lord of your life and Lord of your marriage and are responding to His leadership, then it’s not going to be so threatening to live out that kind of relationship in marriage.

Dennis: I agree. That’s really where it’s settled right there. If you can get that one right, there’s a much higher likelihood you’ll get the marriage thing right.

Barbara: Exactly.

Dannah: Oh, I love that. Who would have ever thought that ballroom dance lessons could open up a deeper understanding to the way God designed marriage. That was Barbara Rainey, with her husband Dennis Rainey and Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. 

Marriage is a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for His people. Now, as I was listening, I thought, I've got to say something. This program might sound  all too picture perfect compared to the difficult marriage you're in. Let me encourage you. Bob and Dannah Gresh used to be what I call a high-conflict couple. But oh, God’s grace! I never stopped praying. We never stopped working. Today, we’re more what you could call a high-impact couple . . . by God’s grace . . . and a whole lot of Christian marriage counseling. There’s hope for your marriage. Hope in Jesus!

We may be wrapping up this episode on marriage, but the conversation isn't over! I want to personally invite you to join me this September 22–24, at True Woman ’22 in Indianapolis. I'll be leading a breakout session called "Happily Joyful After: Life-Giving Truth for Marriages." Grab a friend, because I'll be sharing all the secrets that I wish someone had shared with me about how to love your husband more deeply. 

"Happily ever after" may be a myth in this life, but here's the good news: Jesus can help you experience true joy in your marriage—even if it is a difficult one. 

You can register for True Woman ’22 and sign-up for my breakout session, "Happily Joyful After," by calling 1-800-569-5959, or go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on today’s episode.

Next week, we’re going to take a road trip for Labor Day . . . but you just don’t have to pack a suitcase or a car. We’ll visit places like California, the east coast, and hear a fun story from Jimmy and Kelly Needham.

Thanks for listening today. Thanks to our entire production team. Our team is scattered across the U.S. Phil Krause, Rebecca Krause, and Michelle Hill live in Michigan. CJ Raymond and I hail from Pennsylvania. Katie lives in the big state of Texas. Justin Converse is in California. I’m thinking a road trip needs to be in our near future to see everyone!

I just want to thank Tammy Zebell today. She makes sure that each episode of Revive Our Hearts Weekend has a transcript and links back where it needs to link back to. We’d be lost without Tammy, and you would be too! For Revive Our Hearts Weekend, I’m Dannah Gresh.

Revive Our Hearts is calling women to freedom, fullness and fruitfulness in Christ.

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