Avoiding the Older-Brother Heart

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"What Is True Brokenness?"

"Protecting Children from False Teaching"

-----------------

Dannah Gresh: Do you know one thing I love about Jesus? When He walked this earth, He loved surrounding Himself with sinners!

The gospel writer Luke says, “Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus.” Notoriously bad people were drawn to Him.

But the religious people, the Pharisees and teachers of the law, muttered:

Man: This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.

Dannah: Jesus then told three stories to these self-righteous leaders who wouldn’t join the party. 

Announcer: Story number one: The Lost Sheep.

Dannah: Jesus said:

Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? (Jesus)

Dannah: This story of Jesus ends with a celebration. When the person who lost the sheep finds it again, he says to his friends and neighbors:

Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep. I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. (Jesus) see Luke 15:1–7

Announcer: Story number two: The Lost Coin.

Dannah: Then Jesus told the story of a woman who had ten silver coins, but lost one.

Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? (Jesus)

Dannah: Again, this story ends with a celebration. When the woman finds her coin, she calls her friends and neighbors and says, “Rejoice with me, I have found my lost coin.”

In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents. (Jesus) See Luke 15:8–10

Announcer: Story number three: The Lost Son.

Dannah: Jesus told a third story about something that was lost. A son asked his father for his inheritance early. Which was kind of like treating his father as good as dead.

This son took the inheritance and wasted it. In English, an old-fashioned word for “wasteful” is “prodigal.”

So yes, this is the story we often call “the prodigal son.” 

It’s easy to focus on the wasteful son. But let’s not forget, like the previous two stories, this one also ends with a celebration. And the story is really more about the celebration than about the son who ran away.

We are about to unpack that here on Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m Dannah Gresh.

When your child doesn’t share your faith in Jesus, it’s just devastating. Here in June, we at Revive Our Hearts have put our arms around women in that situation.

On the daily Revive Our Hearts program, we’ve provided series like "The Prodigal Son’s Return" and "Praying for a Prodigal Child." You can hear those by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com.

As we offer hope to moms whose children have rejected the truth. It’s important to also remember: there were two brothers in the story Jesus told. Let’s go back.

Announcer: Story number three: The Lost Son.

Dannah: Jesus told the story of a man who had two sons.

The younger one said to his father, "Father, give me my share of the estate." So he divided his property between them. (Jesus)

Dannah: The younger son wasted all that money through wild living. Eventually, his foolish choices made him miserable. He was starving, and decided to return to his father and offer to be a servant.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. (Jesus)

Dannah: This was a huge cause for celebration.

The father said to the servants, "Quick! Bring out the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." So they began to celebrate. (Jesus)

Dannah: Amen! We pray this happens to everyone who has rejected the truth of the Bible they heard as a child. We pray it for everyone who’s making foolish choices, who’s pursuing drug abuse or sexual sin or whatever it is that is medicating their pain.

But there’s more to the story. Remember the context? The people around Jesus known for their good outward behavior had criticized Jesus for eating with tax collectors and sinners. Jesus addressed them in the story by describing the older brother, who would not enter the celebration.

The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, "Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!"

"My son," the father said, "You are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." (Jesus) See Luke 15:11–32

Dannah: Clearly, we weep with parents who are praying for a child who acts like the younger brother. At the same time, we also weep with parents raising children who act like the older brother.

Let’s remember: our goal isn’t to raise nice-looking, polite, church members. 

We pray our children won’t be caught in the grip of sexual sin, addiction, or rebellion. And we also pray they won’t be caught in the grip of self-righteousness, pride, or empty religion.

I think we’re all tempted to sometimes be like that older brother. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth warned of this danger in her classic message, “Brokenness: The Heart God Revives.”

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: The Scripture tells us in the twenty-fifth verse of Luke 15 that "the older son, meanwhile, was out in the field." He was the good boy. He was out there doing what he was supposed to do, being faithful, working hard. He'd never been wayward. He'd never been rebellious—outwardly. He was faithful and hardworking.

Can I say, by the way, just out of my own heart and walk with the Lord and pilgrimage with Him, that years of tenure and a hidden desire for recognition and unfulfilled expectations can set us up to become twentieth century Pharisees.

Here is this faithful hardworking son out in the field, and he comes near the house, and he hears music and dancing. Rather than going to the source to find out what's really happening, he goes to a servant and says, "What's happening?" The servant tells him the facts but not the truth—and proud, unbroken people don't want the truth. The servant said, "Your rotten brother came home and your father's got a party going for him."

He didn’t say, “Your brother, remember how he left so high and mighty and haughty? He has come back but he is not the same person. He is broken, he is humble, and he is repentant. He hadn’t had a good meal for ages. He is at the end of everything but his heart is broken and your father has forgiven him and it is time to celebrate.”

The elder brother heard that the younger brother had come home, and he couldn't rejoice in the boy's return. The father hearing of the anger of the elder brother left the party. I am told in a Jewish family that when the father left that the party had to stop while the father went out to deal with the proud, unbroken, elder brother. (see Luke 15:1–32).

Isn’t it like that in so many of our ministries and churches and fellowships today? There's no celebration going on, no joy because they’re having to deal with all the proud, unbroken, angry, resentful, ripped-off people.

As I look at this elder brother, I am reminded that the higher up we go in terms of influence and leadership and responsibility and faithfulness of service, the easier it is to become proud and blinded to the real condition of our hearts. It becomes more difficult for us to be broken, for after all, we have more to lose in terms of our reputation.

The epistle of James reminds us and calls us to draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. [But there is a process, first,] Cleanse your hands, you sinners. Purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. [first] Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and then he will lift you up (James 4:8–10).

There may be many tears without brokenness as there may be in some cases genuine brokenness apart from the shedding of tears. You see, brokenness is not a feeling. It is not an emotion. It is a choice that I make. It is an act of my will. And brokenness is not primarily a one-time experience or a crisis experience in my life, though there may be those.

Brokenness is rather a continuous, ongoing lifestyle. It's a lifestyle of agreeing with God about the true condition of my heart and my life as He alone can see it. It's a lifestyle of unconditional, absolute surrender of my will to God.

Even as the horse that has been broken is surrendered and sensitive to the direction and the wishes of its rider. It's a lifestyle of saying, "Yes, Lord. Not my will but Yours be done."

Brokenness is the shattering of my self-will so that the life, the Spirit, the fragrance, the life of Jesus may be released through me. Brokenness is a lifestyle of responding in humility and obedience to the conviction of God's Spirit and the conviction of His Word. As His conviction is continuous, so my brokenness must be continual.

Brokenness is a lifestyle that takes me in two directions. It's a lifestyle vertically of living, so to speak, with the roof off in my relationship toward God as I walk in the light in transparent honesty and humility before Him. But it's a lifestyle that requires also that I live with the walls down in my relationships toward others.

The Scripture tells us in the twenty-fifth verse of Luke 15 that "the older son, meanwhile, was out in the field." He was the good boy. He was out there doing what he was supposed to do, being faithful, working hard. He'd never been wayward. He'd never been rebellious—outwardly. He was faithful and hardworking.

Can I say, by the way, just out of my own heart and walk with the Lord and pilgrimage with Him, that years of tenure and a hidden desire for recognition and unfulfilled expectations can set us up to become twentieth century Pharisees.

Here is this faithful hardworking son out in the field, and he comes near the house, and he hears music and dancing. Rather than going to the source to find out what's really happening, he goes to a servant and says, "What's happening?" The servant tells him the facts but not the truth—and proud, unbroken people don't want the truth. The servant said, "Your rotten brother came home and your father's got a party going for him."

He didn’t say, “Your brother, remember how he left so high and mighty and haughty? He has come back but he is not the same person. He is broken, he is humble, and he is repentant. He hadn’t had a good meal for ages. He is at the end of everything but his heart is broken and your father has forgiven him and it is time to celebrate.”

The elder brother heard that the younger brother had come home, and he couldn't rejoice in the boy's return. The father hearing of the anger of the elder brother left the party. I am told in a Jewish family that when the father left that the party had to stop while the father went out to deal with the proud, unbroken, elder brother. (see Luke 15:1–32).

Isn’t it like that in so many of our ministries and churches and fellowships today? There's no celebration going on, no joy because they’re having to deal with all the proud, unbroken, angry, resentful, ripped-off people.

As I look at this elder brother, I am reminded that the higher up we go in terms of influence and leadership and responsibility and faithfulness of service, the easier it is to become proud and blinded to the real condition of our hearts. It becomes more difficult for us to be broken, for after all, we have more to lose in terms of our reputation.

Dannah: Wow, I’ve heard that message from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth several times before, but it hits me every, single time. You can hear more by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and selecting today’s episode. We have a link there to the series “Brokenness: The Heart God Revives.” Or get a copy of Nancy’s book Brokenness. You’ll find both at ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend, and click on the episode called “Avoiding the Older-Brother Heart.”

I’m Dannah Gresh, and this is Revive Our Hearts Weekend. We’ve been exploring the parable of Jesus about a younger, blatantly rebellious brother. And his older, self-righteous brother. Both heart attitudes are equally dangerous to us and to the next generation.

Nancy talked about this with Jodi Ware and her husband, Dr. Bruce Ware. He’s the author of Big Truths for Young Hearts.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Jodi, I know that in your home, as you were raising your daughters, Scripture memory really was an important part of that process.

Jodi Ware: It has been a big priority in our home. It’s so apparent that young children can memorize much better than older people. I find that as I get older, it’s harder and harder to memorize, so I wanted to invest in their capacity when they were young, to encourage them.

We did a lot of different things. We had charts and stickers and passages to memorize, but one of our favorite things we did was on family vacations. All of our relatives and extended family live on the West Coast. For years we have lived in Minnesota and Illinois and Kentucky, so we have taken a lot of trips driving across the county to the West Coast.

Nancy: A lot of hours in a car.

Jodi: Lots of hours in the car, and we wanted to redeem those hours. We didn’t want to waste them. So every trip we would pick out a passage—such as a psalm or Romans 12—a chapter we wanted to memorize together as a family. It’s so interesting that even to this day, I will read some of those passages, and I’m instantly transported back to the Rockies, or some place where I remember we were working on that passage together.

It’s a great way to emphasize the priority of the Word of God in our lives together and also to be engaged as a family discussing what these things mean and how that should affect the way we think and the way we live. That’s something we did a lot on family vacations.

I am grieved when I see families who have DVD players in the car, and everybody is listening to their own music, doing their own things, and not interacting together as a family. Those are precious times that can be redeemed in ways that matter for eternity.

Nancy: And lost opportunities if you don’t.

Jodi: Absolutely.

Nancy: What you are really doing is what Scripture talks about in Deuteronomy chapter 6, where it says these truths—these commands of God, this doctrine about who God is—these are to be on your heart; you are to love Him with all your heart, etc. (See verses 5-6.)

These words are not only to be on your heart, but “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise”—and, we might say, when you drive through the Rockies. “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (verses 7-9).

I think the concept there is that this is to be the environment in which you are raising your children, not with the DVD players and the television and the external influences. Not that those things in and of themselves are sinful, but are you taking advantage of every opportunity to get the Word of God in front of your children? 

And to use those teachable moments—I know for you, Bruce, a lot of those teachable moments started in the evenings when your kids were getting put down to bed. It’s amazing how kids . . . That’s when they start to come alive and really want to talk.

Dr. Bruce Ware: That’s right. At least, it was true of our two girls that the Lord graciously gave to us. They were just lively, happy, giggly little girls, and it was difficult to get them to quiet down and go to sleep at night. One evening it occurred to me, “Boy, why not take advantage of all that energy. They don’t want to go to sleep, so take those moments before they go to sleep at night, in their beds, and just think through things that really matter—the great, glorious truths of God—to help shape their minds in those last moments of the day.”

The Lord just brought me to this. I’m so glad He did. I didn’t have any intention, really, of doing it. It was just a thought that came to my mind, which I’m sure the Lord gave me, of using that time to teach them theology.

So at bedtimes I would spend about 15 minutes with each of our daughters. We went through the whole Christian faith from the doctrine of the Bible to the doctrine of last things. That really was the seed for what prompted this book to come about: the experience we had as a family learning doctrine together.

Jodi: And what a great way to go to sleep—with those things filling your mind, with truth about God and who He is. What a wonderful way to go to sleep and rest.

Nancy: And to have those thoughts working in the hearts and subconscious of those children. We often wake with what was the last thing on our mind when we went to sleep.

Dr. Ware: Yes.

Jodi: That’s right.

Nancy: Are you taking opportunities to fill your children’s minds with great thoughts about God? Not just any thoughts about God—the world has a lot of thoughts about God that are wrong—but biblical thinking about God. We’ve talked about the importance and value of doing that on the drive through the Rockies and in everyday, real-life moments, teachable moments, as they’re going to sleep at night.

When I was growing up, something that was really emphasized in Christian circles—you don’t hear it so much today—was the whole concept of family devotions or the family altar or family worship. The idea was to take a set time for the express purpose of teaching the Word and training children in the ways of God. Is that something you try to do in your own family?

Jodi: It certainly is, and it’s something for which we’re thankful—both Bruce and I were raised with that in our families. It was a time to read the Bible, ask questions, discuss, and share things. We spent time in singing and learning hymns and then praying together.

One of our favorite things was a notebook of prayer requests for our family. We’d write the request in blue ink and then write the answers in red ink, so we could just riffle through that notebook and see all of the red ink—see all of the ways that God had answered prayer. It was so encouraging to our faith as we faced a new challenge.

Nancy: What a great way for your children to grow up knowing that God really does answer prayer—that God is real.

Jodi: Absolutely.

Nancy: This is not just head knowledge. This is something that is true and that God is a powerful, prayer-hearing God.

Dr. Ware: Absolutely. I remember, Nancy, times when we would get the red pen out because it had been maybe weeks since a prayer request had been written in there from one of our family members, or maybe something Bethany had said from school, and we’d prayed about that and prayed about that and committed it to the Lord. And then when the answer came, boy, what a thrill to pull out that red pen and write in there the way in which God had so clearly answered that prayer.

It became for our family such a rock—a testimony of the faithfulness of God and the reality of what it means to live life trusting Him and really committing things to Him. Our children and we, their parents, benefited so much in that exercise.

Nancy: Now, I’ve got to ask this because I’m one of seven children. I don’t know if this was an experience in your family with just two children, but were your daughters always eager to have family devotions, to sit down, hands folded, saying, “Teach me, O great father”? Was this something that was always a joy and just a very orderly experience? Or did you ever experience anything like what we did in our family, which was that it was hard to get everyone settled down. Did you ever feel like, “I really don’t know if this is working”?

Jodi: Feel like giving up?

Nancy: Yes.

Jodi: Absolutely. Oh, yes. We are all sinners, and we were distracted, and there were times when they did not want to enter in and weren’t terribly responsive. But you have to keep on being faithful and having a regular time, trusting that the Spirit will work.

We are not our children’s Holy Spirit. We cannot bring conviction; we cannot open their eyes to see the glories of the gospel. But we can commit ourselves to keep exposing them to these things and then trusting the Spirit to be at work.

Dr. Ware: Another thing, Nancy, that ties in to what Jodi has just said is that I needed to learn, as the one who led most of these times together, just some practical things—like don’t be too long. They have relatively short attention spans when they’re younger, although I think they’re longer than we assume.

Nancy: Especially if they’re not growing up glued to the television.

Dr. Ware: That’s right.

Jodi: Absolutely.

Dr. Ware: I really think that if there’s something interesting, you can hang on to them a lot longer than you think. But nonetheless, you don’t want to overdo it.

Nancy: There is a limit.

Dr. Ware: There is a limit. I needed to learn, as the dad, to be reasonable in my expectations and to have shorter pieces that were meaningful. Also, Jodi and I both tried to convey to them not only the truths that we talked about but also our own hearts. Honestly, if we cried over things, I didn’t feel embarrassed about that. I thought that was probably a good thing for them to see that their mom or their dad is touched by this.

I wanted them to know that the truths we’re talking about are authentically real. We, as their parents, are putting our own hope in the very truths we’re talking about. So I think conveying to children the authenticity of this in the lives of the parents is part of what makes it real to the children.

I give praise to God—it’s all of His grace—but we do have two girls, and our two girls are walking with the Lord with sincerity. I know the Lord worked in their hearts in genuine ways, and I think that one of the things that contributed to that was the Lord working in us as the parents to portray before them an authentic commitment to the very things we were trying to pass on to them.

Nancy: I think your lives are such a beautiful picture of the fact that there is an effort on the part of the parents. It does take effort; it takes intentionality; it takes sacrifice; it takes being purposeful and not just letting the world raise your children, but saying, “God has given us this responsibility.” 

So you set yourselves to it. You did the hard work and made the investment—when I’m sure that at times it would have been easier to pass off that responsibility or delegate it to someone else—and yet you also recognize in humility that you can’t make your children love God.

Jodi: Absolutely. There are no guarantees in parenting. Our children are gifts from the Lord, and we’re responsible to be good stewards and to teach and train and work hard and be faithful. But there is no way that we can produce in their hearts what only God can do. We are very aware of our dependence upon Him. We were from the beginning, knowing what we cared about the most we couldn’t do in their life—only God could do. 

Dr. Ware: Yes.

Nancy: That’s what makes prayer so vital in parenting.

Dr. Ware: Yes.

Jodi: Absolutely.

Dannah: That’s Jodi Ware and her husband, Dr. Bruce Ware, author of Big Truths for Young Hearts. That was just a clip of a more extensive conversation Nancy had with them. It is rich with encouragement for you. If you'd like to listen to all of it, it's an entire series. You can find a link to it when you visit ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend, and click on this episode.

We’re able to bring you programs like Revive Our Hearts Weekend thanks to listeners who appreciate the program and want to help make it possible. When you support the ministry with a gift of any amount this month, we’d like to show our gratitude by sending you a book called, While You Wait for Your Prodigal. It is a thirty-day devotional prayer challenge for parents.

And your prayers matter so much! Whether your child is blatantly rebelling against God, or whether they look okay on the outside and go to church but lack an authentic relationship with God, all our children need our prayers. 

So I hope you’ll get this book to give you ideas on how you can pray. If you donate any amount at ReviveOurHearts.com, you can ask for the book, or call 1-800-569-5959 on a weekday and ask for While You Wait for Your Prodigal. 

We just heard about how important it is to get children into God’s Word. It’s just as important for adults, too. Next week on Revive Our Hearts Weekend, we’ll hear about ways we all can memorize Scripture. See you then!

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.