Controlling Your Tongue

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"The Power of Navigation"

"The Power, Wisdom, and Reward of a Gentle Word"

"The Power of Words, Day 2"

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Dannah Gresh: Hey, there. Can you think of a time when the words someone else said have hurt you? I bet you can. We’ve all been wounded by the words of others. It probably doesn’t surprise you when I say the tongue has a lot of power. 

Today, we’re going to think about the words we speak. You can’t control what others say to you, but you can control your own words. 

Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m Dannah Gresh, and I’m so glad you’re here today.

Your tongue has the power of life and death. That may seem like a big statement, but it’s true and comes straight from the Bible in the book of Proverbs. We’re about to see how much impact our tongues have and learn how we can control what we say. 

My friend Mary Kassian is here with some wise words. She says that your tongue determines the direction of your life. Let’s listen.

Mary Kassian: The Bible compares the tongue to a rudder of a ship and to a bit in the mouth of a horse. Though relatively small, all three of these-the rudder, the bit, and the tongue-have tremendous power.

A rudder turns a ship, a bit turns a horse, and our tongues turn our lives in the direction we will go. The Power of Navigation is the element of speech discussed in the book of James chapter 3. Let me start off by reading verses two to four:

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

The first observation about the tongue that I want to make is that your tongue is your primary steering mechanism—it determines your direction. Remember: a rudder turns a ship, a bit turns a horse, and our tongues turn our lives in the direction we will go.

The comparison between controlling our tongues and steering ships reminds me of one of the worst nautical accidents in Greece's history. The captain of a Greek ferry had put his ship on autopilot. Captains are required to man the bridge for the last seven miles approaching port, but he had sailed this route several times a weekwithoutincident. Confident of the autopilot settings, the captaintook a nap while the first officer and crew left the bridge to watch a soccer match on television. No one noticed when strong undercurrents caused the Express Samina to drift off course. Two miles from its destination, the vessel struck a rocky islet and sank. The islet was clearly marked with a light beacon; no attentive seaman would have missed it.

But the captain was sleeping and unaware that his autopilot was steering the ship toward disaster. Eighty-two lives were lost, most of whom were tourists. The Express Samina was shipwrecked en route to the beautiful Aegean island of Paros. The travelers' exciting and promising vacation ended inunspeakable tragedy and loss. The captain andcrew were charged with murder, neglect of duty, and violation of maritime procedures.

How foolish of that captain to abandon the helm and neglect the wheel of his vessel. And yet that's precisely what we often do with our mouths when we put our mouths on autopilotand fail to pay attention to the wordscoming out of our mouths.

Your tongue is a steering mechanism. Your tongue navigates your ship.

The word "navigate" comes from the Latin words navis, meaning "ship" and agere, "to drive."To navigate is to plan, steer, and manage one's movement and course. James notes that although ships are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. If a ship is not directed, it will be at the mercy of the wind and currentsand will be lost or shattered on the rocks.

Do you know the captain of the Greek ferry made all kinds of excuses about his behavior? He blamed the circumstances. He blamed the ship. He blamed the crew. But he was the captain. It was his responsibility to drive that ship. James says, "Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs."

The challenge here is to accept responsibility for how you pilot your mouth. What comes out of your mouth, what you say, and how you respond to circumstances is your responsibility. Your husband doesn't make you say nasty things. It's you! You choose to say nasty things. Your children don't make you irritable and snappy. It's you. You choose to pilot your tongue that way.

And what about that quirky, aggravating coworker that gives you reason to complain? She's not responsible for your behind-the-back cutting remarks—you are.You choose topilot your tongue onto the rocks of slander and criticism.

Your tongue is your primary steering mechanism. It determines your direction, so you need to pay attention and steer it in the direction you want it to go. Let's continue reading in James chapter 3. We'll pick up where we left off at verse 5:

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (vv. 5–8)

Wow. There are some strong metaphors in those verses. The second observation I want to make about the tongue is that your tongue has tremendous potential—for good or for ill. It's either going to build up, or it's going to tear down. It's a relatively small part of your body, but it plays a big part in your life. 

The average human tongue is four inches long, it contains eight muscles to move up and down, side to side, and to talk. It weighs only two-and-a-half ounces. Yet this small part of the body gets us in to bucket loads of trouble. James compares the power of the tongue to a spark of fire, and to the power of an untamable wild animal. There's tremendous capacity—more power than we realize or can even begin to imagine.

Words are powerful. Words can heal, or they can cripple. They can cultivate like a plow. They can draw blood like a dagger. Words can make or break relationships—they can build up or tear down. They can bring peace or they can bring conflict. Words determine the destiny of individuals, families, communities, and nations.

Proverbs 18:21 says that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." That's a lot of power—death and life. Words matter. They are not benign. They have consequences. They have personal consequences. The people of Israel, after being delivered from Egypt, grumbled and complained to God: "You brought us out here to make us suffer. We're going to die out here in the wilderness!"

And God told them in Numbers 14:28, "The very things that you've said out of your own mouths will happen."

That whole generation did die in the wilderness. Not because God wanted it. But because the people got what they themselves said.

Our words carry consequences for others. Even though Jacob tricked his father Isaac to get the blessing, once Isaac had given his blessing to Jacob, he couldn't retract it. Isaac said, "I blessed him and indeed he will be blessed." He couldn't take his words back. They were going to have an effect.

What we sow with our words has consequences for what we reap, and it also impacts what happens in the lives of others.

Dannah: Our words can do a lot of damage, as Mary Kassian just explained. Maybe you’re living with some of the destructive effects, whether it was words you spoke or words that have been spoken to you. 

Proverbs chapter 15, verse 4 says, “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” Sadly, I’ve learned this firsthand.

Years ago we attended a week-long marriage retreat; one on one time with a counselor who claimed to be a Christian, probably was, but not sure he knew his Bible very well.

I shared some frustration in my marriage, and this man suggested that I had repressed anger, that I needed to find godly, wholesome ways to communicate better with my husband.Then the counselor asked me, “How often do you cuss at Bob?

The answer was, “Never.”

This, the man assured me, was the problem. But let me tell you, that was not true. 

What he was about to give me was not good, and it was not biblical . This man told me that he could help me tap into my true feelings. He said, “We could start with just one word.” And he invited me to begin to use a very specific, derogatory word with my husband—right then and there. This man wanted me to speak an untruthful, hateful word over my husband, wanted me to say it viciously; every time I felt frustrated with Bob.

I'm so sad to say this, but I actually gave it a try. “It’s just a word,” I reasoned on my way home. “And it’s not the worst of all the bad words. Maybe I am repressed. What if I’m repressed?” 

Behind closed doors, in secret places, where no one but my husband heard the ugly, harsh spews, I did what the counselor suggested. I let it rip. I can’t tell you how much I regret that. Within a few days, more and more uncontrolled, unkind, far-from-gentle words. 

And here’s the thing: in my eyes, I could see my husband’s spirit breaking, just like Proverbs 15:4 claims, “Perverse language crushes the heart.” I could see his spirit breaking. And here’s the thing: I could not stop what I’d started.

My heart breaks to think what lies and wounds I’d planted in my sweet, good, image-bearing husband in those few short weeks of my unbridled, ugly, harsh words. I cringe when I think of it.

Then what happened is, those words started to spew out in other places in my life. I was driving down the rhighway and someone pulled out in front of me, and suddenly, I was spewing anger at them. I was losing my self-control! I was losing the Spirit's control over me. That’s when I knew I had a problem. 

You see, I’d never had road rage before—or since—and I was fairly certain I had no repressed grudge against the driver I never even met. On the drive home, I asked the Lord to forgive me and to help me. I knew that I’d lost control of my mouth, and I need Him to help me regain it.

That has beenIt had become harsh, ugly, vicious. And God is so good to help us when we ask. And He’ll be so good to do that if you ask.

That very week I heard a Bible teaching on Isaiah 6. Now, the prophet writes about his vision of being in the presence of God. He sees God on His throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe gloriously filling the temple. Angels are on each side of the Lord, crying out together, “Holy, Holy, Holy.” And then in verse 5, we see Isaiah’s response to what he’s experiencing. Listen as I read to you what Isaiah :

“Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!”

The moment Isaiah was in the presence of God, he felt unworthy. “Woe is me!” Why his lips? His lips were not clean. His lips were not clean? Really? That struck me as a little odd. He’s in the presence of God’s holiness, and the thing he’s most worried about is his mouth? 

What would you think of in God’s presence? What makes you unclean? 

There are so many sins we consider worse than what we say—pornography, addiction, theft, over-\spending, abortion. Was Isaiah that perfect? Or was God illuminating something important for us?

Our words matter more than we think. They have power. And when used destructively, our words, according to Proverbs 15:4 can break the spirits of God’s children, God’s image-bearing, masterfully created children.

Do you and I understand how deeply painful it is when we use harsh language to wound another soul; when sarcastic, hasty, biting words come right out of us, striking not only at the individual who is our target, but at the truth God declares over them in His Word?

I wonder, How would you respond? How would I respond were we to be in the presence of our holy God and simultaneously be aware of the words that come out of our mouths? Would we cry, “Woe is me!”? I fear, for me, the answer is, “Yes.”

Listen my friend, God’s holiness leaves no room for the harsh, vitriolic, vicious words that so easily pop right out of us.

And consider this: While it is true God will use your words if you let Him. It seems also true that Satan will use them, too, if you let him. 

But there’s a good reward here in verse 4. “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.” I want to be a woman, I want you to be a woman who chooses gentle words, tempered by wisdom, so that God can be the one to make use of them. 

Jesus actually said something like this when He walked the earth. It’s recorded in John 6:63. Let me read that to you.

“It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.”

Words have power, my Friend, and we must use them with wisdom.  The reward of using them well is that we cooperate with Christ, and we bring life as He did.

Now, if right about now this is feeling like too much—“It’s so hard. A lot of work”—lean into John 6:63 a little bit with me. “It is the Spirit who gives life.” Not me. Not you. Not our mouths. The Spirit.

And let’s not forget that gentleness and self-control, they’re both fruit—of what? Of our white-knuckling to have better words? No! Gentleness and self-control are the fruit of God’s Spirit. Rest easy, my friend. If this seems hard, if being gentle seems difficult, it should be, because we need God’s Spirit to help us.

We’ve seen the power our tongues, our words, have. We’ve seen the importance of speaking life and having a gentle tongue. Now we’re going to look at the big connection between what we say and what’s going on in our own hearts. 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth is going to show us how our words are like a mirror.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: One of the themes that comes through many times in the book of Proverbs is the connection of our words to our heart. In fact, I counted eleven verses—there may be more than that—where the word heart is in the same verse with the word lips or tongue or mouth. The connection is made over and over again.

The contrast, for example, in chapter 10, verse 20: “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is worth little.” The tongue is connected to the heart.

Proverbs 15:7: “The lips of the wise disperse [or spread] knowledge, but the heart of the foolish”—why doesn’t it say “the mouth of the foolish”?—“does not do so.” The contrast is between the lips of the wise and the heart of the foolish. Why? Because there’s a connection between what we say and what’s in our hearts.

I’m hoping just to whet your appetite for your own study on the book of Proverbs and its many references to the tongue—you’ll find that there are many places where we read about the mouth or the words of the wicked, or the mouth of the foolish.

Then there are other places where you read about the mouth or the tongue or the lips of the righteous, or the words of the pure or the tongue or the lips of the wise. What’s the connection there? The tongue reveals the condition of my heart. The words that I speak are a mirror into my heart.

The words come out. That’s what’s heard; that’s what’s evident. But they reveal what is not so evident until I speak the words, and that is the condition of my heart. So if I’m a foolish person, I’m going to speak foolish words. If I have a wicked heart, the words that come out of my mouth are going to be wicked words.

Hundreds of years ago Francis DeSalles said this: “Our words are a faithful index of the state of our souls.” So, you want to know what’s in your heart? Jesus said, “Out of the abundance [or overflow] of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

So if I have a critical heart, what kinds of words are going to come out? Critical words. If I have a mean-spirited heart, what kinds of words are going to come out of my mouth? Mean words, unkind words.

If I have a proud heart, I’m going to speak arrogant words. If I have an unloving heart, I’m going to speak unkind words. A self-centered heart is going to speak selfish words. And when I speak angry words, what does that tell you about my heart? It means I’ve got an angry heart.

If I speak profane words, what does that tell you about my heart? It’s profane. Impatient words come out of an impatient heart. Complaining words come out of a discontented heart. A heart that is selfish is going to talk about what? Self.

Now, we’ve seen that a wicked heart is going to produce wicked words. Conversely, if we have a pure heart, a righteous heart, the overflow is going to be words that are pure and righteous.

So if I have a loving heart, what kinds of words am I going to speak? Loving words. If I have a kind heart, I will speak kind words. If my heart is unselfish, as I saw in that Christian leader, I’m going to speak others-centered words.

If I have a humble heart, I’m not going to be saying arrogant things; I’m going to be saying humble things. I’m not going to be saying things that draw attention to myself or my accomplishments or what I’ve done. If I have a humble heart, I’m going to be lifting others up. I’ll have the attitude of John the Baptist who said of Jesus, “He must increase, and I must decrease.”

Where do those words come from? A humble heart. If I have a pure heart, I will speak pure words. If I speak words that are sensual or corrupt or ungodly words, I’m showing there’s a heart condition, that I’ve got a problem with my heart; my heart is corrupt, and that’s why I’m speaking corrupt words.

Proverbs talks about a gracious woman. If I have a gracious heart, I will speak gracious words. I think of some women I know who are just gracious people. When they open their mouths to speak, they’re encouragers. Some of you in this room are this way. 

If I have a grateful heart, what kind of words am I going to speak? Thankful words. A thankful heart produces thankful words. Again, you could think of people that you know—they can be in the midst of a really troubling situation, but they’re talking about the goodness of God and the faithfulness of God in the middle of what is a very difficult situation. They are saying thankful words because they have a thankful heart.

Some of you have been so gracious in expressing gratitude for what these sessions have meant to you, and you’ve taken time to stop and say, “Thank you for this teaching. Thank you for your ministry to me.” As I hear you express gratitude, I’m realizing that gratitude is flowing out of a grateful heart.

If you have a wise heart, you’re going to speak wise words. Now, the challenge is that I want to speak wise words, but I don’t always want to pay the price to get a heart of wisdom because it takes work and effort to fill my heart with God’s words so that I have wisdom inside of me that will come out in wise words.

I always have this mental image of what it means to be a wise, old lady, and I want to be that lady. I want to have that kind of wisdom, but I don’t always want to pay the price to get there, to have the kind of heart that is going to give out that kind of wisdom.

If I have an honest heart, I’m going to speak truthful words. If I’m speaking words that are deceptive or not true, it’s telling you something about my heart.

If I have a heart for God, a spiritually-minded heart, it’s not going to be difficult for me, in the course of everyday conversation, to talk about spiritual matters because out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

I know some people who have been in church forever, it seems—who are active in doing church work and doing various kinds of ministry—but you get them in conversation, and they can talk about everything except the Lord. It’s just difficult.

You don’t hear them talk about what God’s doing in their life or about what God’s been teaching them or what they’re learning about the heart and the ways of God. It’s like that’s a category of their lives that’s for church time, but it doesn’t affect the way they talk all the time.

I’m saying that shows something about the heart.If I can’t talk about the Lord in the course of conversation, it means that my heart is not as focused and set on the Lord as it needs to be; because if I have a heart for the things of God, I will be able to talk about the things of God.

So as we think about our words and our hearts, the words that we speak are really the thermometer of my heart. Those words don’t determine the temperature. The thermometer doesn’t determine the temperature; the thermometer just registers the temperature; and the words that I speak register the temperature, the condition, of my heart.

Now, we’d like to think that that is usually true, but not always. So we tend to trivialize, many times, the words that we say by saying things like this: “I really didn’t mean it. I couldn’t help it. It just came out.” "That’s not really true."

The fact is, I may have said it thoughtlessly or carelessly, but that too reveals something about my heart. If my words are uncontrolled and unrestrained, that says that I have a heart that’s not disciplined, that’s not restrained, that’s not under the control of the Holy Spirit. The fact is, what I say reveals what I mean.

So we want to just throw out these heated words, these damaging words, and then try and take them back and say, “I didn’t really mean that.” Well, I may be sorry I said it, but I’ve got to acknowledge that this is no trivial matter that I said this. Though it was thoughtless or careless, it revealed a condition of my heart that is serious; my heart had its temperature taken, and what registered was something that is not pleasing to the Lord.

So let me ask you this: What do your words reveal about your heart?And don’t just ask yourself that as we’re sitting in this room talking about . . . well, you’re sitting here listening, so nobody is sinning with their tongue right now. I’m the only one who has the possibility of doing that right this moment.

But as you go back into your home, as you go back into your workplace, as you get back on the telephone, as we carry on conversation as this session is finished (if anyone has the courage to carry on conversation after we finish talking about the tongue), ask, “What do my words reveal about the condition of my heart?”

Then if we want to change our words—and all of us have times when we so regret what we said. Someone was just sharing with me today how she regretted, as a young, angry mother, things she said to her daughter.

Now her daughter is grown, and she is still reaping the consequences in that relationship of things that she said as a young mother. She regrets those things; she wishes she could go back and take those words back and redo those conversations.

You can’t. But what you can do is let God search your heart now.If you want your words to change, it’s not enough to focus on changing your speech. What we really need is a heart change.

Some of us need major heart surgery; to say honestly before the Lord and maybe before another person, maybe before your mate who would help hold you accountable, “I realize that the words that I speak show that I’ve got some issues in my heart that are very serious. I’m seeing that those quick, thoughtless, careless, unrestrained, gossiping words reveal a condition of my heart that needs to be repented of.”

Now, I don’t want you to leave here feeling overwhelmed and like, “I’ll never open my mouth again because I just can’t say anything right.” What I do want you to do is to repent, to agree with God, to humble yourself, to acknowledge whatever God shows you about your heart, as I’m being forced to do about my own heart as I’m studying this.

Get before the Lord and say, “Lord, change my heart. Fill me with Your Spirit,” so that when I’m under pressure, when I’m speaking to those children, when I’m speaking to my mate, when I’m speaking to my coworkers, when I get on the phone in a conversation, what will come out will be the overflow of a pure heart, of a heart that is controlled by the Spirit of God.

Dannah: These words from Nancy really have me thinking about what I say, and what my words show about my heart. You too? 

I hope this episode has encouraged you to remember the power of your words and to seek God’s help for controlling your tongue. 

Revive Our Hearts always wants to bring you teaching to help you thrive in Christ. This episode is made possible thanks to the support of listeners like you. If you’d like to make a donation of any amount to Revive Our Hearts, you’ll receive a copy of Nancy’s new devotional Incomparable: 50 Days with Jesus. And it includes a special reading plan to guide you through Jesus’ life during the Lenten season, which is only available through Revive Our Hearts. 

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We all face storms in our life, conflict in a relationship, financial struggles, health issues, grieving a loss, etc. Maybe you’re in the middle of a storm right now. Those are tough places to be, but did you know that you can have peace, even in the midst of your storm? We’ll talk about that next weekend. 

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan. Calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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