Dad, We Need You!

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"God Is a Good Father, Even If Your Dad Isn't"

"Is God Just Like Your Father?"

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Dannah Gresh: Hey, do you have a dad? Okay, now that we have that settled. What’s your dad story? Is it a good one or a hard one? No matter, today we’re going to talk about why understanding fatherhood is incredibly important, because no matter what kind of relationship you have (or haven’t had) with your earthly father, it could be impacting the relationship you’re having with your heavenly Father. 

Our guests are two of my favorites—movie producer Stephen Kendrick and my dear friend Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth!

Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend! I’m Dannah Gresh.

Let’s dive right into my conversation with Stephen Kendrick.

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Dannah: Stephen Kendrick, it has been said: “Everyone has a fatherhood story.” Have you heard that before? 

Stephen Kendrick: I think I have! I saw a documentary that talked about that!

Dannah: I think I saw that documentary, too. I’m just wondering, what’s your father story?

Stephen: Wow! I have two, like hopefully most people. I have an earthly father who was a broken person. In my situation he found Jesus and the gospel transformed his life! It was through his praying momma that he heard the gospel. He and his earthly, broken, seven-foot-tall, alcoholic father ended up coming to Christ later.

I have an earthly father who even today at almost eighty years old (this year) from a hospital bed, he prays for us, he encourages us, he cheers us on.

He can not hold a fork or a pen, but he can open his mouth in prayer. He can text using his finger on his iPad. He sends out daily texts of how he’s praying and how he’s asking God to work in the lives of his three sons and their wives and his nineteen grandchildren.

I also have an earthly father who led me to my heavenly Father—giving my life to Christ and then discovering the forever joys of learning more and more about His love, His grace, His mercy, and who He is. Earthly fatherhood really is not to replace God, but to introduce us to the Fatherhood of God.

Dannah: Well, that’s a big thought because if that’s true (and I believe it is), for those of us who had fathers like an alcoholic father or an absent father, a workaholic father, a sex-addicted father a father who was unfaithful, a father who just was never there . . . Maybe you don’t even know the name of your father. How does that impact our understanding of who God is as a Father?

Stephen: Well, it says in Ephesians 3 that the role of father was created out of the Fatherhood of God. And so, He has placed into the lives of every human being, by design, a living, tangible, touchable representation of who He is.

Now that, obviously, is broken through sin and through abandonment, through divorce, through dads just not knowing how to lead and love their families. We see the tragedy of fatherlessness around the world. 

You see God’s heart throughout Scripture for the widow, for the orphan when the man is gone—whether intentionally or by war, taken out of the home. God says that pure religion is to visit and take care of the fatherless and the widows “in their affliction” (James 1:27).

They are hurting, they’re struggling, they’re holding it together as best they can, but all of those roles that he should be fulfilling, he’s not when he’s gone. So, the Bible communicates repeatedly that earthly fatherhood is broken, and there’s a lot of pain there. 

But God also says He can be the Father to the fatherless through Jesus, and that is the grace of God and the redemption that comes in the midst of all the darkness around us.

Dannah: What a promise! Let’s talk about that darkness for a second. Maybe there’s a dad listening who is at that crossroads of deciding what kind of a father he’ll be, or maybe he needs to push the reset button. What is the outcome of fatherlessness? How does it show up in a kid’s life? 

Stephen: Well, 42 percent of children today grow up in America without a father in the home, and almost 70 percent of kids are not emotionally connected to their dads even if he is in the home. So that is tragic! 

If you look at the statistics, the one common denominator of people who are in prison right now is fatherlessness. It’s not race, it’s not socio-economic levels, it is not education, it’s fatherlessness. Basically, they grew up in a home where the bus driver jumped out of the bus. Oftentimes their family, their emotions, their understanding of even their own identity can end up in a ditch.

Thank God for moms who, a lot of times, will reach over and grab the steering wheel and try to hold it together. But a mom was never intended to play both roles of a mom and a dad. She’s got a full-time role even as it is, as a mom.

But you will see that the highest percentage of those who drop out of school: fatherlessness. The highest percentage of those that are on drugs: fatherlessness. The prostitution/pornography industry is built upon fatherlessness. Sex trafficking: built upon fatherlessness.

This is a major, major issue. This one key leadership position that should be representing the provision, the protection, the wisdom, the love of God, it is massive when he [the father] is not there.

Dannah: Yes. In my research on sexual health, sexual theology for teenagers, one of the trends we see is, girls who don’t have an intact intimate relationship with their dad are more likely to be sexually active. And, generally, those sexual encounters are with young men who are three to five years older than they are.

They’re not looking for a boyfriend, they’re looking for something to fill that daddy-shaped hole in their heart.

Stephen: Absolutely.

Dannah: That becomes tragic, and it’s hurt upon hurt. Fatherlessness creates other kinds of wounds.

I’m thinking about your grandfather and your dad right now. That’s a hopeful story. It sounds almost too picture perfect. You describe your dad as this man who’s leaving a spiritual legacy, who taught you how to be a father, who introduced you to the Father heart of God. But he was raised by an alcoholic. Was it just miraculous, he knew how to be a dad even though he wasn’t raised by one, or was there a progression in his life, too?

Stephen: Well, my dad suffered a lot and continues to suffer. He grew up with major insecurity issues, fears, antisocial issues, depression. Even as a dad, there were seasons of depression that he went through. 

At the same time, we see how the gospel does transform. “If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation.” (2 Cor. 5:17) You see how the Word of God began to teach my dad as he was studying the Scriptures on, how should a dad treat his kids, what are his roles and responsibilities?

My dad read the book The Blessing, by John Trent and Gary Smalley and saw that in the Jewish community it is so important for a father to not just train and model for his children, but to bless them, to verbally speak love and life and truth and identity into their lives.

You see that happen at the beginning of Jesus’ ministry. Even before he healed anyone, preached a sermon, or walked on water, Jesus is hearing the Father say to Him, “You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17). 

There was this blessing from the Father, even as God blessed Abraham and told him to bless Isaac, and it was passed down through the generations. He told the dads, “Bless your children, and when you bless them, I will bless them.”

Then you will see in the New Testament that God does that for us, His spiritual children. When we give our lives to Christ, Scripture says in Ephesians 1:13 that when we believe the gospel, we are sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. Then [Ephesians 1:3] says that we are then blessed with every blessing from the Father.

He is speaking success, He is speaking identity over our lives. He’s affirming us as His beloved children. We don’t deserve that. It is all by His grace that He does that for His children, but the Bible communicates that we get the same blessing Jesus got!

We are joint heirs with Christ (see Rom. 8:17). We get an equal amount of blessing and provision that Jesus got, and that’s just mind blowing, because we feel so unworthy. We know that Jesus is perfect, but that also reveals a little bit more of the DNA of God—that His love is not based upon performance or our deserving it. His love just flows out of who He is.

Dannah: What a good ending to what sounds like was a story that had hard moments—for both Stephen Kendrick and his dad. Sounds like he ended up being a good father.

Of course, not everyone gets a good father here on this earth. And that’s actually what ended up being the impetus behind one of today’s most loved Christian worship songs, "Good Good Father." 

Song:

You're a good, good Father,
That's who You are, who You are.¹

Of course, you probably know it was made famous by Chris Tomlin and sung in churches worldwide. But, there is a heart-rending story behind the song which was cowritten by Tony Brown. Tony never knew His earthly dad. He says it was difficult to grow up without a father. Maybe you know something about that. Perhaps your dad wasn’t present physically because . . . well, so many reasons this happens. Maybe he wasn’t available to you emotionally.

Tony knew that pain. But, he says he also knew his good, good Father—his heavenly Father. And it became a phrase that he would often sing. One day he sat down with his friend Pat Barrett and they wrote this amazing song that counters the lies that many people believe about God! I guess a lot of people needed to hear that song!

Song:

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think You're like.
But I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night.
And You tell me that You're pleased and that I'm never alone.¹

One of the lies we can easily believe about God is the lie that says, "God is just like my dad, and I don’t like that!" Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth helps us fight against that thinking with the truth of God’s Word.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Perhaps you relate to one or more of these women who have written to me on this matter.

One woman said, “I had a step-father who was cruel to me, and it’s very hard to accept that God is not like him at all.”

Another woman said, “My dad is a Christian and a good guy, but I never heard much encouragement from him. For instance, when I would help him paint, I would say, ‘Does this look okay?’ I was hoping to hear, ‘Hey, that looks really nice.’ But he would only say, ‘Try not to . . .’ whatever. Maybe that’s why I imagined God finding fault instead of loving me unconditionally and accepting me.”

Another woman said, “My father abandoned me when I was four years old. I have trouble relating to God as a father. One of the lies I have believed and still struggle with is God is not really there.”

Now, if you have been wounded by a father or a husband or another man that you trust, you may find it extremely difficult to trust God. In fact, you may even find yourself being afraid of God or even angry with God.

I want to remind us that our Father in heaven is not like any other man or woman that you have ever known. In fact, the kindest, wisest, most compassionate earthly father is just a pale reflection of our heavenly Father. At their best, every man is a flawed representation of God. That’s why we can’t get our view of God from other people–men or women.

If you want to know what God’s really like, you need to turn to the place where He has revealed Himself, and that’s in His Word.

If you want to know what God’s really like, you need to get to know Jesus because the Scripture says that Jesus is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being. So whatever Jesus is like, that’s what God is like. Jesus came to reveal the father-heart of God to us and to make it possible for us to become adopted into the family of God.

There are women in this room–and I can’t tell by looking at you who you are–but there are some of you who are so afraid of God, so afraid of your Father God. You’re afraid that He’s going to abandon you, to disappoint you, to put you down or harm you, as perhaps your earthly father did.

Can I say: That’s not the Spirit of God speaking within you.”

The Spirit of God within us says, “Abba, Father.” Abba is an Aramaic word that is a term of intimacy and endearment. It’s a word of tenderness, closeness, affection, dependency. That’s the Spirit of God within you.

God’s Spirit within you has given you a spirit of intense longing and reaching out, longing to know God as your father.

The God of the Bible is a compassionate, tender, merciful father.

First John chapter 3, tells us, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God.”

• God knows your name. 
• He keeps track of the most minute details of your life. 
• He has lavished His love upon you. 
• He knows the number of cells in your body, the number of hairs on your head–and for some of us, that changes rather frequently.
• He collects, the Scripture says, your tears in a bottle.
• He’s intimately acquainted with you.
• His heart is stirred with compassion towards you.
• He rejoices over you with singing.
• He longs for an intimate relationship with you.

That’s the God of this Book.

Now, that doesn’t mean He gives us everything we want. No wise father would do that for his children. And it doesn’t mean we can always understand His decisions. God is far too great for us to be able to plumb the depth of all His decisions.

And it doesn’t mean that He never allows us to suffer pain. In fact, Hebrews 12 tells us at times God actually inflicts pain upon us. Why? Because He loves us. You say, “That’s a funny way of showing love.”

Well, Hebrews 12:10 says that God disciplines us for our good so that we may share in His holiness. He’s sanctifying us. He’s transforming us. He’s working on those rough edges and making us into the likeness of Jesus.

So regardless of what we feel or what we think, the truth is that God is a good Father who dearly loves His children and can be trusted with our lives.

When you come to know the love of your heavenly Father, it will transform not only your view of God but also your ability to love and respond to others.

Let me read to you a couple of testimonies that illustrate that.

One woman said, 

There were only two men in my life–my father and my husband. I tried every way imaginable to get them to love me. Both of them deserted me when I needed them most. I learned that only God can love me in the way that I need to be loved.

My father never talked to me when I was a teen. I can count on one hand the number of times, and they were all put downs.

I married my high school boyfriend, and he divorced me after 27 years of marriage.

But once I came to understand the enormity of God’s love that surpasses all understanding, I found that I did not need to earn love, and I was able to forgive and to love my father and my ex-husband.

Another woman said,

My father called me terrible names (one I won’t even repeat here). When I had not even kissed a boy, he accused me of being an immoral woman. He treated my mother horribly even until her death when I was 23 years old. I blamed him for a lot of the things I did.

Once I truly realized that Jesus loved me, I was able to let go of my anger toward my dad. I was able to see him in a different light and realized that the hurtful things he said about me were not true and that it matters most what my heavenly Father sees in me.

And, by the way, once I was able to forgive my dad, two hours later my six-year old daughter and I talked, and I was able to lead her to Jesus.

You see how the truth sets you free? To know God as your Father is to find acceptance, security, and peace.

I love that verse in Psalm 27 where the Scripture says, “Though my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”

He’s infinitely different from any human father or man that we may know.

Do you find it hard to accept that your heavenly Father loves you, that He accepts you? You may know it in your head, but have you ever had it connect to your heart?

As I was preparing for this session, I just kept having in my mind’s eye a picture of a father standing with outstretched arms with a little child up on a table or a sofa, some higher place, and the dad saying, “Jump into Daddy’s arms.” And I picture that child feeling so insecure, so fearful. “What happens if I jump, and he’s not there?”

We have those feelings. “What happens if we jump into the arms of God and find out He’s not there?”

That dad knows what that little boy hasn’t experienced yet, those arms are secure. They’re strong.

I just picture us as that little child with our heavenly Father saying, “Jump. Jump. Jump into My arms, and underneath you will find are always the everlasting arms of our heavenly Father.”

Song:

You're a good, good Father.
That's who You are, who You are, who You are.
And I'm loved by You.
That's who I am, who I am, who I am.

You're perfect in all of Your ways,
You're perfect in all of Your ways.¹

Dannah: That was Chris Tomlin with "Good, Good Father." And before that, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth with some powerful truth about God as our Father. 

So, I’m working on revising my very first book, And the Bride Wore White. It’s a book on living a life of sexual integrity for teen girls. In it, I share data on how a father’s role in a woman’s life impacts how she interacts with men, including the guys she dates and the husband she marries. There’s interesting research that reveals again and again that a connected father/daughter relationship prepares a young woman to enter into a relationship with her husband in a healthy way. Makes sense, right?

There’s also compelling information that the opposite can be true. A lack of father involvement, well, it causes a craving for attention in many unhealthy ways and places. In short, it impacts her resolve to live with moral integrity and holiness. I’ve been sounding an alarm about that for young women for twenty-five years because I’ve seen it—not in the data from studies that prove it over and over again, but because I’ve seen it one life after another.

Dads matter! Here’s one reason: they help us with holiness. They are often the parent who teaches us healthy boundaries. Not always and not exclusively, but I mean, “You wait until your dad gets home” didn’t become a saying for no reason at all." While moms typically teach nurturing and safety, dads offer us the skills of pressing into our purpose, taking risks, and along with that, healthy boundaries! 

I think it’s important for a young woman—every woman, really—to have a healthy relationship with her dad, and I want to help facilitate that in hearts and minds.

Here’s what I want to tell you, though: I’m getting advice from young adult women about what to change in my book as I work on it, to make it better, more relevant. Do you know what many of them say? “Take out the chapter on fathers!” 

It’s not popular these days to talk about parental influence or authority. Our culture really is in a place where government entities and other public authorities are seeking to reduce parental rights and influence, especially on issues of morality. It burdens me greatly. It’s taking us nowhere good.

Here’s what I’ve decided, I’m not going to take the chapter out, but I am going to edit it because I didn’t get it all right. And, I want you to invite you not to do is not erase the chapter in your life that represents your dad. But, does it need a little editing? Maybe you and your dad haven’t gotten it all right.

I have a specific idea for you. It's something I’ve been telling women for twenty-five years. Just this morning I got an email. "It worked! I tried it, and it worked. Thank you for helping me improve my relationship with my dad!"

I’ll tell you the idea in a moment. But first, here’s what doesn’t need editing. Let me read Ephesians 6:1–4. It’s a reference to one of the Ten Commandments. It reads:

“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you, and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

God thinks honoring our parents is such a big deal that it’s one of the Ten Commandments. And it’s the first one that comes with a specific blessing attached to it. Honor your father and mother, and you’ll enjoy a long life. Things will go better for you. 

Psst . . . if you’re a dad listening in, don’t frustrate your kids. If you see frustration in their lives, ask the Lord how you can be trained or discipled to parent more patiently. You have been assigned the task of training them in the instruction of the Lord. And how you do it matters.

But back to you, dear woman. The command to honor your father doesn’t come with a disclaimer that you don’t need to honor him if he’s not great a dad. It just says honor them.

When I look back at my life, some of the problem in my relationship with my dad came from not honoring him.

When I was small, my father and I were very close. I was his little dog-training companion, often traveling with him on weekend trips to dog shows. He called me Sally. (I have no idea why, but it was like our secret love language.) It was really a neat relationship.

When I hit seventh grade, it was like a great big wall went up between my dad and me. Some of it was his fault, but so much of it was my fault. I became withdrawn and quiet in an effort to begin to build my own world. It was very painful for both of us. The worst of it lasted until I went away to college, when we both began to realize how very much we missed each other, and we crashed through that wall together—my dad and me!

If you have a wall like that, you must crash through it sometime. It won’t necessarily get easier, and you never stop desiring a loving relationship with your dad. 

Okay, here’s what hundreds, if not thousands, of women have done to break down that wall. It’s pretty simple, but has to be done with the right heart: write a letter. One of the things that I have seen that can have a great impact is letter writing. I wrote many letters to both of my parents when I was in high school. It always seemed to readjust both my attitude and their response to me.

As I wrote, I often found that a lot of what I expected from them was selfish and demanding. I was able to go back through the letter and edit it before I gave it to them in final form. It was a good exercise in examining my own attitude. As I edited, only the legitimate concerns made it through to the end. With my selfishness out of the way, my parents were able to see my point, and we often came to a good understanding.

I’ve had adult women tell me that this works when their relationship with their dad is strained. Now, not all fathers are in a mental or spiritual place where receiving the letter is useful. But even women with dads like that have told me that writing the letter they never sent helped to heal their heart so they could honor their father in the little relationship they do have.

Of course, you’ve got to pray. Ask God to soften your heart. Ask Him to give you a desire to honor your father, especially if he’s a difficult man. Pray for Him to open your father’s heart, to change him and give him a love for His heavenly Father. But don’t give up!

After you’ve prayed, sit down with the Lord to write that letter to your father. Express to your desire for the relationship to be healthy and connected. Tell him the ways you can honor him: “Dad, you always provided for us. Dad, you always made sure we learned to save money. I’m so thankful for those things and I honor you for being a man of financial integrity!” Honor him where you can, my friend. 

Then, tell him how vital the relationship is for you. Tell him you love him. If the relationship is strained, tell him you feel hurt by the wall between you and invite him to break it down with you—brick by brick—with the help of the Lord. And if you can’t think of anything positive to say, ask God to show you just one thing that you can be thankful for in your dad.

Then, maybe read that letter to a good friend. I do realize that in some cases, the wisest thing to do is file it. You may have been in a highly unhealthy, maybe even an abusive relationship with your father. That takes a long time to heal from. I still believe that this can be a step on that journey. No matter if you give your dad this letter or you use it for your own heart, I have seen this exercise bring great healing to women. I hope it helps you as you learn to live in the power of honoring your father. 

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Well, I mentioned my book And the Bride Wore White. It’s in the process of being updated for its twenty-fifth anniversary, and, Lord willing, it will be out in early 2025. So will you pray for me and the team of editors involved? It’s amazing how much work it takes to decide what needs to be changed, what needs to stay the same. But I know this: our daughters today need to be discipled in the area of sexual integrity. So, please pray for me. 

If you’re looking for a wonderful gift to give to your father or your husband, look into the Men’s Daily Bible. This is the full text of Scripture in the Christian Standard Bible translation—CSB. But throughout this Bible there are practical devotional thoughts specifically for men. They help “flesh out” and apply what he’s reading in any given passage. Again, it’s the Men’s Daily Bible, edited by none other than Robert Wolgemuth, the husband of Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. 

You’ll find more information about the CSB Men’s Daily Bible by going to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and clicking on today’s episode. 

While you’re there, think about sharing Revive Our Hearts content with someone for whom English isn’t her first language. We have audio and print resources available in Spanish, Portuguese, French, German, Farsi, and a lot more. Go to ReviveOurHearts.com/languages for all the details.

Coming up next weekend, we'll tackle the difficult subject of how to entrust your prodigal daughter or son to God. It's heart-breaking for a parent to have a child seemingly walk away from everything you've taught them, and you can feel helpless to do anything about it. Well, I'm telling you that there is hope. We'll talk about that next week.

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

¹“Good Good Father,” Chris Tomlin, ℗ 2015 sixsteprecords LLC and Capitol CMG, Inc.

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