Learning through Singleness

Parts of the following episode were used to create this program:

"Surrendering My Timetable"

"Do You Trust God to Satisfy?"

"Fully Surrendered"

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Dannah Gresh: How do you know that God is enough for your life? Carolyn McCulley reminds us . . .

Carolyn McCulley: God met our greatest need at the cross: our need to be justified before a holy God. And if He can do that for us, while we were yet dead and still enemies of Him, then these other needs and desires that we have are so easy for Him to provide. And we have to trust Him in His wisdom and His timing and the way that He allows our lives to unfold.

Dannah: Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Well, it’s that time of year when all I see when I walk into the store is pink! Yep, Valentine’s Day is coming, and lots of marketers want to make sure you know it!

Maybe like me, you think of Valentine’s Day as one of those mandatory Hallmark dates on the calendar—you gotta buy the cards. Or maybe you just love the excuse to eat lots of chocolate!

I remember back to when I was single, the day was like rubbing salt into a wound. Is it like that for you? A reminder that you don’t have a husband to take you out to dinner or kids to present you with pink crayon hearts and stickers.

If you’re in that place, I feel for you. I know it’s hard. I know many single women who would love to have a family, and they’ve shared with me some of the challenges they face. But I’ve also seen how joyful and servant-hearted they can be when they submit their desires to the Lord!

And if you’re married, keep listening. You probably know someone who is single, and this episode will help you understand how to encourage her.

Amy Baker was one of those young women who felt the sting of loneliness as a single woman. Like most girls, she grew up dreaming about getting married. She assumed that would happen right after college. Well, college came and went, and she was still single. She got a Ph.D., and she was still single. Her thirties came and went, and she was still single. 

But God did eventually provide someone for her to share her life with. After getting married in her forties, she reflected on some things she learned in the long wait. Here’s Amy in conversation with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.

Amy Baker: You know, if I had gotten married on my timetable, I would not have known some of the things that God taught me during that time.

Nancy: Such as?

Amy: For example, I would not have understood that marriage is not about getting more in life. When I was in high school, I think I foolishly made up a list of things I would like in a husband.

And I say foolish, not necessarily because it's wrong to think about godly character qualities that one wants in one's life but because my whole focus was in that: "What can I get? Here's my list of the things that I want."

And that's not God's plan for marriage at all. Nor is it God's plan for singleness. But I had this list and here are the things that I thought that I wanted in a marriage and if I had gotten married before I learned those things one of two things would have happened.

One, I would have been moderately happy. I would have been married but I probably would have never had the thirst or the desire to please God because God used my singleness to get me to the place to learn that, to teach me that.

And so I would have been complacent. And at the end of my life, when I stood before God and had to give an account for my life, I would have been very, very disappointed at the account I would have had to give.

I would have gone through life being happy with my circumstances and never would have thought about: Life is not about me and getting what I want out of life. Life is about bringing glory and honor to God.

One other possibility is, if I had gotten married according to my timetable, is that I would have been miserable and I would have made my husband miserable.

I didn't understand it at that point. It's not about getting. You enter a relationship and it's all about what you can get from it and it's doomed to failure. You've doomed it.

And I probably would have been miserable. And I'm sure I would have made the man I married very miserable, because who wants to be married to a woman who's focusing on what she can get?

I'm so thankful that God did not allow me to get married on my timetable. He used that time to teach me that life, not just singleness, not just marriage, but life is about serving Him and giving and seeking to become more like Christ.

Dannah: That’s Amy Baker, reminding us that marriage isn’t about getting what we want, it’s about glorifying God. That’s true in all of life, isn’t it? 

Still, that doesn’t make singleness easy, does it? You have emotional and physical desires, and it’s hard when it seems like those desires aren’t being met.

But you know what? The grass is always greener. I found that many of those emotional and even physical needs weren’t fixed by getting married. It shocked me! But here’s what I discovered, God gave me those kinds of longings to drive me closer to Him. You will never be satisfied as a married woman if you’re not satisfied as the girl you are right now, my friend. Of course, marriage is a picture of the gospel. That makes it sacred and important. But don’t make the mistake of thinking you can paint a picture of Christ’s love only if you get married. That kind of thinking is backwards! 

Be careful not to idolize the idea of getting married! Take your unfulfilled longings to Jesus. Carolyn McCulley talked about that with Nancy. Let’s listen.

Carolyn McCulley: I think that’s a lifelong lesson. God is faithful to take us through circumstances that teach us this kind of dependence on God and how faithful He is. Whether that’s through marriage or singleness, death or divorce, whatever it is, God is faithful to provide for us in our circumstances.

And there can be times when married people tell a testimony like, “I really wasn’t content, and when I finally got content, that’s when God brought me a mate.” That can breed in us this idea that, “Oh, I have to do something to earn a husband. I have to be worthy.”

A simple survey of our churches will show us that people at all stages of maturity have gotten married. And it’s not something that we earn a right to. It is a gracious gift of God. Marriage is a gift just like everything else. Scripture says, “What do you have that you have not received? All of it comes from God’s hand.”

I think the lesson of learning to be content in our current circumstances is vital to glorifying God. I think it’s vital, from what I hear from my married friends, to having a fruitful marriage, too. If we look to another human being to provide for us that kind of spiritual sustenance that only comes from the Lord, we’re putting such a weight on them of expectations. It could be crushing, and it can be demanding. It can be a very driving, nagging contentious force in a relationship.

So I think it’s a good lesson to learn. I just don’t want anybody to hear it and think, “God won’t answer that prayer until I work myself into some sort of state.” God is gracious to teach us contentment in a variety of circumstances. I think it’s good to pursue maturity no matter what your circumstances are and to watch God be gracious in answering prayer.

Nancy: So if some of the women who are in this room who are in their thirties, forties, fifties, have a desire to be married, you would be in that category.

Carolyn: Yes.

Nancy: Others would be in that category. If God never provides a husband, and you go through this life, and He doesn’t do that, is it possible for Christ to really satisfy in a way that is deep and substantial? He’s not going to be there physically. He’s not going to be somebody that you can touch. Can Christ really be enough? Can He really satisfy us?

Carolyn: I think that issue of satisfying is a hard one to parse because we tend to think of it in terms of our consumer mentality in America, like, “I want to have every aspect of my desire completely fulfilled exactly the way that I want it.”

I tend to think of it more in the sense of the sustaining grace that continues to provide for me that, as I repent of self-sufficiency before the Lord, as I repent of demandingness, as I repent of selfishness, whatever it is that’s driving a wedge in my relationship before the Lord, it’s going to be sin. As I repent of that, I realize the sweetness of the fellowship that’s there.

So I wouldn’t necessarily describe it in terms of satisfaction because I tend to think of that in terms of, “That was a really satisfying meal.” It tends to become an earth-bound experience, at least the way I tend to think about it, as opposed to realizing that this relationship is so sustaining that I find that God’s grace does meet me as I pray and as I ask for fellowship and provision, and He brings those things along.

So, is that helpful? I find I stumble sometimes over the word satisfying, and I’ve heard other people do, too.

Nancy: I love what Elisabeth Elliot has said over the years about unfulfilled longings. She said, “It’s not wrong to have unfulfilled longings.” In fact, I think every human being, married or single, male or female, has unfulfilled longings. And she said that unfulfilled longings become material for sacrifice. They give us something that we can offer up to the Lord.

And so we can even thank God for the fact that from here until we see Jesus, and not until then will all our longings be satisfied. So from here until then, from now until then, there will be some longings that are unfulfilled, but that’s okay. And I think to come to the place where we can embrace and accept unfulfilled longings puts us in a place of greater contentment and freedom.

Carolyn: I agree, because there’s one aspect of satisfaction that we should never forget, and that’s the fact that Jesus’ work on the cross was the full satisfaction of God’s wrath for the just punishment of our own sins. Because He satisfied those requirements of a holy and just God, we can live in the goodness of that. And we should never forget it.

God met our greatest need at the cross: our need to be justified at the cross before a holy God. And if He can do that for us, while we were yet dead and still enemies of Him, then these other needs and desires that we have are so easy for Him to provide. And we have to trust Him in His wisdom and His timing and the way that He allows our lives to unfold.

And it may be that the way He chooses for our life to unfold is that we get to be a witness to the constant joy that comes from depending on the Lord as a single woman. I don’t know, but of this I am confident: I am not going to reach heaven and look my Lord in the face and say, “It wasn’t enough. You did not satisfy me enough.” I’m going to fall on my face with gratitude, and I’m going to say, “Thank You. Thank You for saving me and sparing me. I don’t deserve it, and I don’t know why I’m an object of Your mercy, but thank You.”

Dannah: We’ve seen that Christ is enough to satisfy us. When we learn that, we can live with joy, even in the hard times of loneliness or fear for the future. (And that’s something I’m still learning every day!)

But is that what it’s all about . . .  gaining joy? Of course, that’s part of it. God wants us to be joyful in Him, but ultimately, it’s all about Him.

If you’re single, you’re single so that you can glorify God. If you’re married, you’re married so you can glorify God! You are created to worship, and God wants to refine that in you.

Here’s Nancy, talking about how surrender—of your time, possessions, and desires—is an act of worship.

Nancy: Many of you are familiar with the name D. L. Moody who during the 1800s was greatly used of God as an evangelist, preaching the gospel on two continents. Twenty-four years after Moody’s death, in 1899, his longtime friend and colleague, R. A. Torrey, was asked to speak at a memorial service on why God used D. L. Moody.

Here’s what Torrey had to say:

The first thing that accounts for God’s using D. L. Moody so mightily was that he was a fully surrendered man. Everything he was, and everything he had, belonged wholly to God. If he thought God wanted him to do anything, he would do it. He belonged wholly, unreservedly, unqualifiedly, entirely to God.

D.L. Moody lived that kind of life, and it’s a life that’s described in Romans chapter 12, verse 1, where the apostle Paul says, “I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy," in view of all the compassion that God has had upon you, what are you to do? Offer up the sacrifice . . . yourselves . . . your own bodies. Offer your bodies, present your bodies, yield your bodies. It’s a picture of surrender, of giving up everything; open palms, open hands, just saying, “Lord, here’s my life.”

"Offer up your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God," a sweet aroma to God, as those Old Testament sacrifices were. And Paul says, “This is your reasonable act of worship.” This is a matter of worship.

When you think about worship, what do you think? How do you worship God? Maybe you think of singing to the Lord, maybe you think of praying, maybe you think of going to church. Can I remind us that worship is not a routine that we go through on Sunday mornings?

We may worship on Sunday mornings, but you know millions of people go to church on Sunday morning and come away never having worshiped God. Notice that Paul doesn’t say in Romans 12, "Give a few hours of your time every week. Give some of your money, sign up for a ten-day missions trip." What does he say? "Offer your bodies," yourselves, the totality of all that you are; not just a few bucks, not just a few hours, not just a part of your life. Offer yourselves up to God as living sacrifices.

That’s what worship is, the offering of ourselves in totality to God. I know that many churches pass an offering plate to collect the offering. Can I tell you that there isn’t a plate large enough to collect the offering God really wants? What’s that offering? He wants you!

I think of that passage in 2 Corinthians chapter 8 where Paul was talking about the churches of Macedonia and how they had given out of their poverty to meet the needs of other believers. He says in 2 Corinthians chapter 8, verse 5, “They gave themselves first to God and then to you.”

They gave the offering God really wanted; they gave their bodies as a living sacrifice. It’s a whole lot easier to give God our “stuff,” to give God remnants, the leftovers, the parts of our lives. Can I tell you that when God gets you, He gets everything else?

Romans 12, verse 1, the verse we’ve been looking at, suggests that there is both an initial consecration and surrender to God, as well as an ongoing aspect of consecration and surrender. I want us to see that this is a surrender that’s made once and for all, and then there’s also a daily, recurring sacrifice of our lives to God.

When the apostle Paul talks about offering up, or presenting, our bodies, he’s speaking of a complete, total sacrifice, offering of ourselves up to God. But when he talks about being a “living sacrifice,” he’s picturing living out that devotion, that consecration, one day at a time.

So in our relationship with Christ, there’s a starting point, a point at which, drawn by His Spirit, we say to Him in response, “I do. I give myself up to you. I am yours.”

At that point we enter into an eternal, covenantal relationship with God. From that moment on we’re a new person. We’re under new ownership. We’re bound to Christ, eternally. The fact is, if you are a child of God, your life is no longer your own. You belong to the One who created you and redeemed you by the blood of His Son.

You may or may not have recognized, at the point of conversion, at the point at which you were born again, all that was involved in that surrender. The fact is, if you’re a child of God, you have made that surrender to Jesus as Lord.

I think of my own life . . . I was saved at the age of four. That’s my first conscious memory, and I didn’t know any great theological terms. I didn’t pray any flowery prayer. I didn’t have a lot of great biblical insight or understanding. I just knew that I was a sinner who needed a Savior, and that He had drawn my heart to Himself. In my own four-year-old way, I said, “I do.”

Over the next few years, by the time I was probably seven or eight, there had been a growing realization in my little child’s mind and heart of what that meant. By the time I was in early elementary school, I knew that my life belonged to God. The consecration that had been made at the point of conversion flowered; it became more real, more understandable to me.

I’ve continued to grow in my understanding of that, but there was that early childhood, lifetime, unconditional surrender to Jesus as Lord. That has been a huge foundation for my whole life because the issue’s been settled. Jesus is Lord.

It’s not that I’ve never gone back on that, it’s not that I’ve never tried to take it back, but God keeps me on a “short tether.” He knows that my heart is to live a consecrated, surrendered life, and that’s as it should be with every one of us.

R.A. Torrey said the first thing that accounts for God using D. L. Moody so mightily was that he was a fully surrendered man. Can that be said of you? That’s not just supposed to describe great evangelists, that’s supposed to describe every single child of God. If you and I are going to be used of God in our sphere of influence, we’ve got to put all that we are and all that we have in the hands of a holy God and say, “Lord, have it all.”

I wonder if you’ve ever come to that point of consciously offering up yourself to God? If you’re a child of God, that’s really the case anyway. You are God’s; you don’t belong to yourself. But have you ever acknowledged that consciously?

If you haven’t, or if afresh this day you want to make that acknowledgement, would you just say, “Lord, here I am. I do. I offer up myself, my body, all that I have, all that I am, to You. Fulfill your purposes in and through my life, whatever that means. I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Dannah: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has been explaining why and how we should surrender to God. We all need to remember that everything we are, everything we have, and everything we do must be surrendered to His will, for His glory. That’s true whether you’re single or married, young or old: none of it is about you.

Song by Chris Tomlin:

Take my life and let it be
Consecreated Lord to Thee.
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer be mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love my Lord, I pour
At Your feet its treasure stored.
Take my myself and I will be
Ever only all for Thee.

Take my myself and I will be
Ever only all for Thee.

Dannah: The best way to keep that truth forefront in your mind is to soak in Scripture. The Bible is full of passages that point us to God as the only one worthy of worship! For example, Psalm 115:1 says, “Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!”

Of course, all you need to soak in the Word is a copy of the Bible. But if you could use a reminder to get into Scripture—something you can use as a bookmark, a decoration, or a note of encouragement to yourself or others—you will love our set of Savor and Share Scripture Cards!

The set contains fifty-two cards, with a verse on each. They’re bright and beautiful, and they’re easy to stick on your mirror, in your car, or anywhere else. I’d like to put one on my desk in my office. That way I can meditate on Scripture when I have a quick moment during the day to reset and recenter my heart on the truth of God.

We’ll send you a set of Savor and Share Scripture Cards when you give any amount to help Revive Our Hearts continue reaching women with the truth of Christ. You can give a gift and request your cards by calling 1-800-569-5959, or go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend, and click on today’s episode. 

Our topic today was singleness, but we hope you listened if you’re married, too. Next week we’ll talk about marriage, but if you’re single, we’d still love for you to tune in! There’s always something you can learn from people in other seasons of life.

Thanks for listening today. Thanks to our team: Phil Krause, Blake Bratton, Rebekah Krause, Justin Converse, Micayla Brickner, and for Revive Our Hearts Weekend, I’m Dannah Gresh. 

We’ll see you next time.

Revive Our Hearts Weekend is calling you to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

“Jesus Paid It All (Instrumental Guitar),” Zeno, Fingerstyle Hymns Simple Guitar Arrangements 1 ℗ 2016 Zeno.

“Take My Life (And Let It Be) [feat. Chris Tomlin],” Passion: Hymns Ancient and Modern ℗ 2004 Sparrow Records/sixstepsrecords.

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