Loving Your Children Well

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"A High and Holy Calling"

"How to Apply the Gospel to Your Family Life"

"Your Children and the Gospel"

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Dannah Gresh: Welcome, dear friend. I’m coming to you with a heart that’s overflowing with some extra emotions today—a heart that is both celebrating and kind of grieving. This weekend, my youngest, the baby of our family, will be getting married in an elegant ceremony complete with strings. 

As every mother knows, the wedding of a child is both beautiful and bittersweet. As I’ve been preparing for this transition, I’ve found myself reflecting deeply on what it means to love our children well. Time, you see, has this way of slipping through our fingers like sand. One moment, you’re holding a tiny hand as they take their first steps, and the next, you’re letting go as they walk down the aisle. Today, I want to speak to all the moms out there about the urgency and beauty of loving our children well.

Welcome to today’s episode of Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m Dannah Gresh, and I’m so thankful you’re here today. 

Titus 2 verses 3 and 4 says older women “are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children.” I hope this episode will encourage you as we look at how the gospel makes a difference in loving children well. 

Laura Wifler and Emily Jenson of Risen Motherhood will be stopping in with Erin Davis. 

But first, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth up, talking about how to love the children in your life, whether you’re a biological or adoptive mother or a spiritual mother. 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Women are uniquely designed to have children. They are uniquely designed to nurture them once they are born. There’s a God given capacity to feed, to nurse them with your own milk, nurturing. It’s a picture of all kinds of motherhood that God has equipped us to do by pouring our lives into others.

Even when we talk about discipleship and mentoring and Titus 2 mandate, it’s this concept of women being mothers, physical mothers, spiritual mothers. 

Now clearly your own children, those of you who have been blessed with children—the affirmation here is that children are a blessing. Those of you who have biological or adopted children clearly there’s a call to love them, to nurture them, to nourish their lives. But there are so many other ways, both those who have their own children and those who don’t, can be bearers and nurturers of life as they invest in other people’s children, in other lives.

I just made a list of what came to mind as I was pondering this. I think of one of our Revive Our Hearts Ministry Partners who helps support this ministry on a monthly basis. She's a single woman, and she works with the youth at her church. She started this because she was heart-broken for girls in her church who come from broken homes. So she's trying to nurture life into these girls.

I think of a woman I heard about recently who was not ever able to have children. She’s an older woman now who has shepherded hundreds of kids in her church’s youth department.

I think of foster care and adoption and so many women who are loving children who are not their own flesh and blood. 

I think of grandmothers, and some of you in this room whose children are not walking with the Lord, who take those grandchildren under their wing and invest in them spiritually—taking them to church on Sunday, helping them to raise those kids, being that stable place for those little ones.

Spiritual mothering, physical mothering, building the family of God, building your own family—so many ways for us as women to invest in others' lives. 

Your children's friends. Some of them, many of them are not being mothered in a godly way. God puts those children in your sphere of influence to touch their lives.

A childless woman, whether married or single, can do so much to support the parenting ministry of others in the body of Christ. To pitch in, to love, to care, to encourage, to support—even for good families.

How many of you as parents know what a blessing it is to have someone come alongside your children and just speak into your kids' lives the things that you are trying to say every day that your kids just aren't paying attention to (or you don't think they are)? What a blessing it is when another woman comes alongside of them—maybe a college student or a single woman in your church, and she loves on your kids and says the same things that you've been trying to say and invests in their lives.

Think what a special need there is today to help shoulder the burden for single moms. I sat down Sunday next to a single mom in church. I've watched her son grow up, and he's now in junior high school. I've known them since he was much younger. I said to her, "How's it going?" She's supporting him and herself and having a challenge of being a single parent to this son. I'm saying, "How's it going? How's your son? What kind of friends is he making? What are your concerns?" For her to have that less than five minute conversation, I'm hoping that it helped to lift something of the load that she's carrying and to say that someone else is in this with me.

So I don’t know what season of life you may be in. We have gray-haired women here. We have much younger women, women in every season of life—some empty nesters, some of you doing the hard work right now of little ones at home. I just want to say that whatever season of life you’re in, would you ask God to give you a heart for bearing and nurturing life? Ask God to help you make room in your life for children.

You say, “I’ve got seven kids.” You need to make room in your heart for those children because sometimes you can start to resent those children that are such a blessing from the Lord. I know some of you are thinking it’s a hard season right now. Some of you are so sleep deprived you hardly know how to function. That’s where some like me need to come alongside and say, “Can I give you a break and let you and your husband get away, let you have a date night, let you as a single mom go spend some hours doing something you need to do for yourself? Let me take your kids.”

See what we can do to help lift the load of others, to invest in children and to realize that as we do we are investing in the next generation. We’re passing the baton of faith on to the next generation.

There are women in this room who have prodigal children and your heart is so heavy for them. When I talk about children being a blessing, you’re just thinking about how they’ve broken your heart. Wouldn’t you love to have some other women in the Body of Christ come around and say, “I’m going to pray with you and for you and for that son or daughter who’s way far from the Lord, and I’m going to believe God with you to break through in their life”?

Sometimes you have to be willing to be in there for the long haul and say, “How can I pray for you? How can I encourage you in this season of life?” Children are a blessing from the Lord. What a privilege God has given us as women as He has uniquely designed us to be bearers and nurturers of life for His glory and for the advancement of His kingdom.

Dannah: Oh, that’s good. I love how Nancy just reminded us what a gift children are and how you can intentionally love and bless them. 

There are a lot of ways to invest in the next generation, but one of the top, best ways to love your children or any children in your life, is to share the love of Jesus with them. Afterall, our love may fail. We're human, but His love never fails.

Understanding that, well, it takes a load off. I mean, as you walk out the truths of the gospel in your day-to-day life, your children are watching. That’s a lot of pressure. But when you point to Jesus’ love—the gospel—you realize you don’t have to be a perfect mother, but rather a mother who points to a perfect Savior. 

I’m tryin’ to take a swipe at something lethal here: mom guilt!

Okay, I know I can’t see you, but raise your hand with me if you’ve ever known the feeling of “mom guilt.” Emily Jensen and Laura Wifler from Risen Motherhood have experienced that too. They joined Erin Davis for a conversation about applying the gospel to motherhood, and “mom guilt” was one of the topics that came up. They’ll talk about how the gospel can free you from that guilt as well as how to prioritize your time in God’s Word to help you love your children well. Here’s Erin.

Erin Davis: Thirty-three percent of the women that you interviewed said that they couldn't be in Bible study because of the season of life that they're in. Now, obviously, there's not a mandate that all women be in a women's Bible study. But I at every opportunity will beat the drum of the importance of being in a women's Bible study. I will because I'm a big believer that the more intense life is, the more you need a circle of Christian friends that run toward them. So, what do you think are some of the biggest barriers of women attending a Bible study regularly?

Emily Jensen: I think sometimes whenever somebody's transitioning to motherhood for the first time, they're just not sure how it fits into their schedule. They're starting to do feedings and nap times. There is a fear of how the world may spiral out of control if your baby misses their nap or they have to wait a little bit longer to be fed.

Erin: I was one of those moms with baby number one. I confess with baby number four I wasn't, but with baby number one, oh man.

Emily: Those are real things that I think we can encourage moms. Just try it and and people will be patient with you and then they see later on that they can do it. I know for me, we're in a season now of having middle of elementary aged kids. And so, we're busy with a lot of activities. It can be difficult to fit that into your regular weekly schedule. Sometimes there's only one or two time slots open that your church offers. They are literally in the middle of something else that you have already committed to doing. Those are real things that women need to troubleshoot. 

Or sometimes there's just a fear that it's going to be too hard, or is Bible study going to be flexible with me, whenever my kiddos get a stomach bug that week, and I have to miss, is that going to be, okay? 

And so, I think there is just a lot of troubleshooting and women getting involved and realizing that most Bible studies that I've been a part of understand, you can still go and still be in the Word and still answer the questions and get done, what you can get done, and people are just happy for you to be there.

Erin: It takes creativity. I went to my family and said, “Listen, part of mama thriving and flourishing is being in a women's Bible study. So, I'm going to be a part of one if that means y'all eat hot pockets on that that night. That's okay. I'm gonna miss you. You're gonna miss me, but it's part of Mama being healthy.” And it's just now part of our rhythm. But it took some creativity. There are always other things. 

But if you hear our voice, I'm encouraging you to be a part of a women's Bible study—that 33% of you who feel like you just can't fit it in your life. 

Okay, Laura, last question, two results that I think go hand in hand. Most moms say they experience mom guilt. The highest percentage say they experienced mom guilt frequently. We've got that on a bar graph. But it's also true that the highest percentage of women you interviewed weren't competent about how to apply the gospel to their everyday family life. I think there's a connection there. So why is it that Christian women who at one point responded to the gospel, they don't know how to connect the gospel to their family life, their work life, their church life? This is probably a complex question. But how does the gospel free us from the tyranny of mom guilt? Because I think it can. I don't think that we just have to feel guilty all the time. So, Laura, do what you can with that mess of thought from my head?

Laura Wifler: Yeah, thanks for the big blob. Erin, I appreciate that. No, I think I think you're right. I mean, Emily and I found ourselves in this category. I know the gospel in and out; we talk about it. On our podcast, we write about it; we do this for a living. And yet, we both would say we have experienced mom guilt. It is one of those companions that seems to pop up every once in a while, no matter how well we know the gospel, no matter how much we're in God's Word. I think as we begin to understand the gospel and we have that logical understanding, it takes time to begin to start applying that and understanding this is how it fits in this situation and the situation. It's just getting reps. It's just practicing. 

And so, it's something that we do at Risen Motherhood. I know you guys do here at Revive Our Hearts. It is really encouraging moms to begin to think through a gospel lens, and to really begin to say, “Okay, if I'm a believer, then what does the Lord say about this? What did the Scripture say about this? And then how do I apply that right now. Sometimes that means getting your friends together, that means going to Bible study, that means talking with your husband and asking what that looks like. It's not just done in a vacuum. 

And that goes the same with mom guilt. So often mom guilt is sort of this thing that we silently suffer with. We feel like, “I'm just gonna stuff that down in here. I'm not going to talk about it, because I feel shame. I feel bad about it.” And what we really need to do is pull that out and bring it into light and to examine it and say, “Okay, this is what I am feeling guilt over. Is this true guilt? Is this a sin? Is this something that I did wrong? Or is this false guilt and something that the world and culture is placing on me that I don't need to live with that burden?” And so asking yourself those two things, there's hope, no matter if you say yes to one, or yes to the other, there's hope for both of them. 

And if it's something where you have sinned, and you genuinely lost your temper with your kids, been impatient, ask for forgiveness, and walk in freedom. Repent, a turn away and sin no more. Or if you have, if it's something that you're saying, “Oh man, I really feel like I should have breastfed. I really should have pushed through. I shouldn't have used bottles. I should have used cloth diapers. I really shouldn't have used those disposable diapers.” Or whatever it is that you're feeling guilt over. A lot of that happens in new motherhood, like we were talking about: To say, okay, “Is that something that the Bible, that the Lord is putting on me? Or is that cultural and worldly? And is that something that's a pressure I'm not asked to succumb to?” 

And if that's the case, then you can walk in freedom in whatever decision that you have made, and not walk with guilt looming over your head. So honestly, I would say this has been the most transformative understanding for me as a mother, to be able to walk in freedom and to really feel like, “I don't have to look to the right. I don't have to look to the left. I can be faithful in the life the Lord has put me in here in my unique circumstances with my unique family.” 

I don't have to look like Emily, who is a wonderful mother and as a mother I spend a lot of time with. I can just celebrate her. I can just celebrate all of her good gifts and not feel pressured to be just like her. And that has brought an enormous amount of freedom. But I think for moms, it's kind of like you get through it. And then you get through it again, and you got to work with it again. You can't say, “Well, I dealt with that mom guilt.” It's like, “No, that's something we're gonna fight until the end. 

Erin: Yeah. I say all the time that the gospel is not put on display by perfect families, no such thing exists. The gospel is put on display by broken families that are frequently saying, “We cannot do this on our own. We hurt each other on our own. We go our own way on our own, but the gospel is transforming us. And so really, it is in our brokenness and the times we mess up and don't get it right, that there's room for the Holy Spirit to just rush in and take the victory. 

Dannah: Yes. The gospel changes us and every part of our lives, including the way we parent and love our children.

You know, I just want to mention that Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth wrote a book about what it looks like to live out the beauty of the gospel, and it includes content on loving your children. It’s called Adorned: Living Out the Beauty of the Gospel Together and it focuses on Titus 2. In it, Nancy outlines God’s simple, yet beautiful plan to make the gospel believable to a watching world. 

This book is yours for a donation of any amount now this month. Request your copy of Adorned when you give at ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on today’s episode. 

Well as a mom, spiritual mom, or anyone working with children, you desire for them to know Jesus. And as we’ve talked about today, sharing the gospel is one of the best ways to love your children. 

Just when is a child ready to really understand and embrace the gospel? How do you know for sure if they are ready? Nancy and I talked about that in a conversation about my book Lies Girls Believe. Now before I wrote that book, I surveyed 1500 church-going girls between the ages of seven–twelve. You’ll hear that survey mentioned as Nancy and I talk.  Let’s listen!

Nancy: There have been some who, wanting to see children know Christ, have prematurely prompted children to (quote) “make a decision” to follow Jesus when there wasn’t necessarily a work of the Spirit happening in their hearts yet.

This is where parents and other people working with children, as you do in your girls and moms events, have to be so sensitive to what the Spirit is doing in that child's heart.

First of all, there has to be a conviction of sin. And the child may not even know that word “conviction,” but I think a parent can sense when there’s a sense of, “I’m sinful. I need to be rescued from my sin.”

Dannah: Yes.

Nancy: And I think you want to let that grow. You want to let that sit. You want to let that soberness, whether it’s a child or an adult. Somebody can’t experience the amazing grace of Christ or the saving work of Christ if they don’t know that they have anything to be saved from.

Dannah: Yes. Right.

Nancy: I can walk in a room of four-year-olds, and I can say, “Anybody here who wants to be a Christian, wants to be saved, wants to follow Jesus, raise your hand. Okay. Now you all are saved.” Now, of course, I’m exaggerating to make a point that I think we need to be really careful whether it’s with children or any age.

Is there evidence that the Spirit of God is doing a work of drawing them to Christ, convicting them of their sin, giving them a repentant heart?

Dannah: Yes.

Nancy: I think that work happens more often in a younger heart where there’s been a lot of conversation about the Lord, where there’s been evangelizing going on, that they’re talking about the gospel or illustrating it, reading Scripture, parents are talking about how they have come to know Jesus.

In that context it is not unusual, I think, for a child to realize, “I need a Savior, and I’m ready to trust Christ to save me. I’m ready to turn from my sin.”

Dannah: Nancy, you saying that is helping me to remember that my son . . . I walked into the bedroom. He was very small, maybe six or seven years old, and he was kneeling. And I said, “Robbie, what are you doing?”

And he said, “Oh, Mom, I just realized that I’ve done a lot of bad things, and that’s why Jesus died for me.”

Nancy: That’s the work of the Spirit.

Dannah: He was in the bedroom, basically praying for Christ to come be the Lord of his life—all by himself. But it was because of conversation upon conversation upon conversation, lessons at church, lessons by his dad, reading the Bible that brought him to that place of repentance.

Nancy: Right.

What I saw often as I was growing up were kids who grew up in church, they grew up in Christian school, they made a profession of faith when they were four years old, five years old, six years old, whatever. Then they became teenagers or young adults, and there was no evidence of a love for Christ, no evidence of a heart for Christ, no heart to follow Christ. And yet their parents would say, “Oh, but she’s a Christian. She got saved when she was four.”

Don’t pronounce your children saved. Don’t pronounce anybody saved. We don’t know until the evidence, the fruit, is there.

Dannah: Yes. That needs to be a testimony that comes from their lips.

Nancy: Exactly.

Dannah: I think that there’s a concern, though, that I saw for some of these moms with older girls—twelve, thirteen, and fourteen, who were not pressuring their children to (quote) “make a decision.” They were saying, “They’re not old enough.” They’re holding them back.

Several of these moms were saying, “My daughter really wants to be baptized.”

I would say, “Well, has she demonstrated repentance?”

They would say, “Yes, but I just don’t think she’s ready to be baptized.”

So what would you say to those moms at the other end of the spectrum?

Nancy: Well, again, you’ve got to pray for wisdom. In the church where I grew up as a little girl, they had a policy that if you were saved as a child, you couldn’t be baptized for a year. They wanted to see . . . So I was baptized at the age of five, standing on an egg crate/carton thing in the baptistery.

Some churches ask children to be older than that, or they have a process that children go through.

I think that’s not a bad thing, but there comes a point where you say what Jesus said, “Let the little children come.” When you see evidence of faith, evidence of repentance, evidence of fruit, don’t keep them back.

Dannah: So I would say, I guess, this to every mom and grandma listening, “Just make sure you’re having those conversations that open your daughter and your sons to an understanding of the gospel.”

Nancy: Yes.

Dannah: If we’re not continually having those conversations and making sure they understand, “Oh, you’re not a Christian because Mom and Dad are. You’re not a Christian because you go to church every Sunday. You’re not a Christian because you were born that way.”

Nancy: You’re not a Christian because you (quote) “prayed a prayer or made a decision.” You’re a Christian because the Holy Spirit has drawn you to Christ. You may not know all these words—He’s regenerated you, He’s justified you—you may not know all those words—you probably won’t. But there’s evidence that the Spirit has given you new life in Christ and that you’re trusting Him to save you.

Dannah: I’m so excited because one little girl who took our survey recognized that she wasn’t a Christian and went straight to her mom, and her mom recognized, “This daughter of mine is ready. This is God’s Spirit on her saying, ‘This is the time.’”

But that doesn’t happen unless you’re giving her the information so that her heart can respond to the Spirit.

Nancy: Yes. You discovered that girls in your survey were believing the lie that God only loves me when I’m good—which, by the way, is a lie that isn’t just believed by girls, but by a lot of us.

Dannah: Yes.

Nancy: How widespread did you find that lie was among girls?

Dannah: Well, I didn’t find this one to be the most widespread, but it’s certainly very lethal. It drives a girl to, really, a lifetime of works-based faith. It drives her away from God. And it seems to me, if the gospel is about Christ’s love, then what we believe about God’s love is really important.

So the majority of girls we surveyed said they believed God loves them, but they just didn’t feel like God loved them when they did something bad.

Nancy: And, of course, no matter what age we are, when we believe those kinds of lies, it keeps us from receiving the grace that God wants to give us. We think we have to do something or perform to receive God’s love, rather than realizing that God’s love is a gift of His grace, something we can’t earn or deserve.

So, Dannah, you were really careful, not only to lay out the lies in this book, but to set up the truth. How did you verbalize the truth for girls about this area?

Dannah: Well, for each lie, there is a truth nugget, which is a Bible verse, and the truth nugget for this one was from Romans 5:8, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” It wasn’t when we were having our good day and our holiest moments that God loved us, but “while we were sinners,” He loved us, and He died for us.

So the truth for the girls is: God loves you all the time, no matter what.

And I remembered, as I was writing this, a time when my sweet son Robbie almost burned our house down.

Nancy: He wasn’t so sweet at that moment! (laughter)

Dannah: Oh, not at that moment, no.

He came into the kitchen, and he said, “Mom, do you have a cup of water?” And it’s about then that I smelled something, and I thought, Okay. And I ran into the living room. He had gotten a blanket into a candle that I’d had lit.

I remember being overwhelmed with love for my son at that moment. I didn’t think he was bad. He had played with something he had been told not to play with. He had disobeyed me, but I immediately responded in protective love for him.

I tell lots of stories in the book because I think that’s how this age group will learn best, but I want them to know: God loves you all the time, no matter what.

And, moms, I just feel led to say: If there’s a sin that you’re struggling with in your life to believe, “Does God love me?” Yes! While you were yet a sinner, Christ died for you. He loves you all the time, no matter what.

Nancy: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. Right?

Dannah: Our kids need to always be reminded of the truth of the gospel, and the reality is, so do we. 

As the good news of Jesus transforms your life, it shapes the way you love your children in the best way. I hope this episode has both encouraged you and given you some practical steps to take as you keep loving your children well. 

I’ve devoted much of my life to helping moms love their daughters well and share the gospel effectively through a partner ministry of Revive Our Hearts called True Girl. If you have a daughter between the ages of seven–twelve, I sure hope you’ll join me for something extra special coming up. I want to personally invite you to join me and my team at the True Girl Pop Up Party at the Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C. It's happening November 1–2!

It’s our first national conference for moms and daughters devoted to teaching them why and how to study God’s Word! This is more than just an event, it’s a chance to connect deeply with your daughter while exploring God’s Word in a way that will strengthen your bond and fill both of your hearts with truth. Don’t miss this incredible opportunity to make lasting memories and grow in your faith together. Learn more about the True Girl Pop Up Party in the link at the transcript of today’s program. I hope to see you there!

I loved the emphasize we landed on today about loving our children by sharing the gospel. It’s what gives us hope all the time, especially in the darkest seasons. Next week we’re going to hear stories of hope that will remind us of the power of our God. 

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.