Loving Your Husband Well

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"Need Help Loving That Man"

"The Power of Your Words"

"The Power of Kindness in Your Relationships"

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Dannah Gresh: Ah, yes. Things that go together . . . Let’s see, peaches and cream, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese.

We often think of things in pairs, and not just food—earth and sky, thunder and lightning, pencil and paper.

What about this one: love and . . .? You got it . . .? Here’s a clue: Frank Sinatra even sang about it.

Song:

Love and marriage, love and marriage
They go together like a horse and carriage.
This I tell you, brother,
You can't have one without the other.¹

Dannah: Love and marriage! Maybe you chanted it when you were little: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”

Yes, deep down we all know that love and marriage are supposed to go together. There’s a problem, though. Anyone who’s been married for . . . I don’t know, maybe at least five minutes, can tell you—it’s not always easy.

So today I want to help wives with some secrets for how to do a better job of loving their husbands well. Think of it as tools for your toolbox of love, okay? 

Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m your host, Dannah Gresh. And yes, I’ve had to work on loving my man well. 

This is something we often don’t think about before we’re married. We just assume the “love” part of “love and marriage” will happen automatically. But no, there’s work involved. 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Shaunti Feldhahn are both in our lineup today. But let me set the stage with a quick phrase from the Bible and then a clip from a message I gave on this topic. 

In Titus chapter 2, there’s a list of things that older women are told to teach younger women. In that list, we see this: "Older women . . .  are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children" (vv. 3–4).

Today we’re camping out on that concept of loving our husbands.

I taught on this. Let’s listen to that now. You’ll also get to hear from my man, Bob Gresh. This is from a national conference for women that was hosted by Revive Our Hearts, simply called, Revive. Here’s a little snapshot into our marriage, and some of what has gone into loving my man well.

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I’m currently reading Football for Dummies. Incidentally, on the first page it says that football is a game that two teams play, and at the end of sixty minutes, the one with the most points wins. Sixty minutes! Sixty minutes, it had the nerve to tell me! See, I’m not that dumb, girls. But I have decided that, from now on, I want all my massages to be scheduled in “football minutes!” (laughter) I’m gonna use this!

Now, that’s my current assignment from the Lord: I’m learning to love football. I actually watched a game just a week ago . . . and enjoyed it. (cheering) Those are football fans cheering. Now, here’s the thing girls. That’s my current assignment from the Lord in practical friendship love with my husband. What’s yours? Learn to play with your husband.

Now, I’m sure some of you are sitting there and saying, “She really thinks that learning to play football or watch football with her husband (I’ll probably never play) is a hard thing. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have to love a husband through a hard thing.”

My husband and I actually crafted this message together, and though that’s my current assignment from the Lord in loving my husband, it’s not been the only one. I want to ask my husband, Bob, to come up here. As he’s helped me with this assignment, I’d like you to hear from his heart.

Bob Gresh: I want you to know that in that discussion, when the word “football” came up, “ice dancing” also came up, as my love for my wife. But here’s the thing: I’ve been thinking about how Dannah loves me well . . . partly because I got repeated texts about her speaking on this topic, and she wanted to know if she loved me well.

So I finally responded to one and sat down and thought about it. What I wrote in my text was,

It’s not when you cook for me, write me notes, or even when you watch football with me (as cool as that is!)—because people who don’t love me will do those things. It’s not when you say nice things about me, because people who hardly know me sometimes can say nice things. And it’s not even when you pray for me, because people who detest me can pray for me.

Dannah loves me well when she does whatever it takes to push me towards the often-lonely frontier of God’s plan for my life. Dannah loves me well when she does whatever it takes to point out my sin, and let me take ownership of it.

In our marriage, loving well means being willing to take the scalpel and open a wound when the disease of sin and selfishness and pride lurk beneath. And loving well also means waiting patiently for the right time to start that cut.

All that to say this: so often leaders leave the platforms letting you think the very best about them—allowing you to fill in the unknown parts of their lives like spaces on the path in Candyland.

I can tell you that we don’t live on Gumdrop Mountain. We tend to live somewhere between the Candy Cane Forest and the Molasses Swamp! (laughter) 

We are both passionate, type-A, intense personalities. We’re also leaders who are called to direct ministries, who aren’t always called in the same direction—so it stretches us to the core!

Just this morning, I couldn’t find my socks in the hotel room. I looked for them and I thought, How can I lose my socks in this hotel room? And there was a tiny moment when I thought to myself, My wife took those socks, and she put those socks somewhere in this hotel room. She’s going to help me look for them, and I’m going to find them later—which never happens. She doesn’t usually takes my socks, and I never found those socks. And that is why I’m wearing my wife’s socks today. (laughter)

You see, I have no doubt that I would die for Dannah, but sometimes it is so hard to live with her! And then there’s this . . . I’ve put Dannah through hell. And I use that phrase because I know no other word to describe the depth of pain that I’ve brought into our marriage.

My struggles with lust, pornography, depression, anxiety—and all the relational disasters produced by it—have brought her to places where she had no good choices. And it is the great sadness in my life. 

You know, there was a time that I had to tell both of my boards that I’d fallen below the standards required of a leader—and we had to do that on our own. I called my publishers and took my name off two books I had written, that were ready to come out.

And I remember the morning I called Nancy and told her that I understood if I had compromised Dannah’s relationship with Revive Our Hearts. I will never forget how nervous I was to call Nancy. I didn’t know how she would respond. But, Nancy, I’ll never forget how much healing you brought to my life! 

Dannah stood by and endured the pain; she embraced the pain—and she loved well. Working through all that together, God has brought a peace to our marriage, through a lot of hard work on both our parts. Our marriage has peace now that passes all understanding. But that requires constant reminders to love each other well, to be one. Dannah loves me well by bringing me closer to holy.

And all of that, again, to say this: If Dannah can love well with such a flawed husband—you can, too—and I’ll let her tell you how. (applause)

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Dannah: We don’t have time for the whole message right now. But you can watch the whole thing when you go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on this program. It’s called "Loving Your Husband Well." It’s also going to be featured this coming Wednesday on our daily program, Revive Our Hearts, so you can hear it then.

I wanted to share that with you, not to toot my own horn, but to point out that in marriage, love takes work. Bob was talking about how I love him well, but believe me, he’s had to work hard to love me well, too. 

I mean, in any marriage, it’s two sinful humans trying to love each other. It can be messy at times! Maybe you can relate?

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has a suggestion for all of us wives. She came up with something she calls “The Husband Encouragement Challenge.” I’ll let her explain.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Here's the challenge: every day for the next thirty days, if you're a married woman, there are two parts to this challenge. First of all, the negative part. For the next thirty days, I'm going to challenge you not to say one negative thing about your husband to him or to anyone else about him—not to your mother, not to your kids.

Some of you look like maybe you are going to pass out here! Like, could this be possible? If you’ve gotten into the habit of being critical and focusing in on the negatives, this will be a real challenge! But you can do it, by God's grace. God will help you do this, for the next thirty days to not say a critical, negative thing about your husband, to him or to anyone else about him.

Then here's the positive part of that challenge. Every day for the next thirty days, I want to challenge you to say something that you appreciate about your husband. Say it to him and say it to someone else about him.

Now maybe you're thinking, I can't think of thirty things I appreciate about my husband. Well, then think of one thing you appreciate and say it every day for the next thirty days.

Does he bring home a paycheck? Is he sober? Is he a good dad? Is he prompt, on time? Does he pay the bills? Think about some things that you appreciate and begin to express those, not just think them. Every day for the next thirty days tell your husband. 

Now you can say it. You can write it. You can write it on the mirror. You can write it on a card and stick it in his computer case as he goes to work or whatever. But say it to him in some way, and then say it to someone else about him.

You say, "What will happen in thirty days? Will my husband be different?" I won't make any guarantees about anything that'll happen to your husband, although he may wonder if he's married to the same woman.

There is not anyone who won't flourish in some way under appreciation and genuine gratitude and admiration. Your husband needs that as much as anyone.

But I'll tell you something for sure. You will change. You will change. You will find yourself being grateful, appreciative. You will find yourself loving your husband in a whole fresh and new way.

Let me read to you a letter I received from a woman who took that thirty-day challenge. This was a woman who was in leadership in a Bible study ministry. And she wrote after she heard that challenge and she said,

My marriage has been, how shall I say it? Less than desirable for months. Communication is the biggest problem. When you talk until you have no more to say and you get no response, you kind of just come to the conclusion that this is the way it is. Live with it the best you can. I knew I had pride in my life, but I just wasn't willing to give it up. Finally, I got down to business with God. I waved the white flag of surrender concerning my pride and the wall came tumbling down.

She was willing to take the first step, to be the first one to move, rather than doing what so many do in a marriage and that's wait for your mate to move. She said,

I did not really want to take your thirty-day challenge about encouraging your husband. I do have a wonderful husband and we've been married for eighteen years but I think we became too comfortable with each other and began to take each other for granted.

Can anybody here can relate to having had that happen in your marriage perhaps?

Then communication breaks down and things build up and eventually erupt. Then I began to think I'd be better off without my husband. Divorce has never been an option. I'm very much committed to our covenant relationship, but the thoughts were still there.

I want to tell you: if you let the thoughts stay there, in time you'll be vulnerable to act on thoughts that you never thought you'd act on. That's why you've got to deal with those thoughts. She said,

I put many expectations on him to meet needs in my life that he had stopped meeting. The bottom line is that God showed me it was up to me to humble myself and be the wife God desired me to be, no matter what kind of response I got from my husband.

I got home from the retreat on Sunday and I worked in a word of encouragement. I had not spoken to him [here's the tragic part] like that in years.

Now, should it have come as any surprise to this wife that her husband had gotten tired of trying to meet her expectations? That he didn't communicate? I don't know the wife. I don't know the husband, but I can picture (because it's true in so many relationships), he just got tired of it—tired of being criticized, tired of being picked on, tired of being told what to do, whatever.

I don't know how extreme it was in their situation, but he did what so many men do. He just clammed up. "When I do open my mouth, I get shot down. So I'm not going to open my mouth." A lot of men feel that way.

Some respond the opposite way, which is getting violent and angry. They tend to go to one of the two extremes. In this case, think about a wife who, for years, had not spoken words of encouragement to her husband.

Now, I don't think she started out thinking, How can I tear my husband down. I'm sure she didn't. And I'm sure she didn't even realize that's what she had done. But as she began this positive exercise, this challenge to build up her marriage, to encourage her husband, God began to change her and ultimately, her husband. She said,

I have thought the words before, but I could not bring myself to say them.

And then, she just wrote, "PRIDE." And isn't it hard when you've been hurt or your husband's not been expressive of his love? You have to humble yourself to be the one to say, "I'll be the encourager. I'll start," with no expectation put on him. She said,

Monday, he was off and home all day. We had the most wonderful day together.

Now, I'm not promising that if you start this thirty-day challenge that tomorrow you and your husband will have the most wonderful day ever. It may get worse before it gets better. But in this case, God began quickly to reward her for just the little bit of encouragement she invested in her marriage. She said,

God showed me that the wall of pride I had allowed to divide us was hindering my husband from responding to me. I had just prayed for God to work in my life and now I am reaping the benefits of many changes in my husband's life. God is continuing to transform my marriage one day at a time, simply because I was finally willing to bring down the wall of pride.

I just want to ask, "Is there a wall of pride in your marriage?" If there's a wall, it's there because of pride. If there's contention, Proverbs says, "Only by pride comes contention" (13:10). And you can't make your husband do anything about that wall, but you can do something about it.

Dannah: That was Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, explaining the 30-day Husband Encouragement Challenge. 

Well, author and researcher (and wife!) Shaunti Feldhahn heard about that challenge from Nancy. She tweaked it a little to apply to any interpersonal relationship. She shared with Nancy how that happened.

Shaunti Feldhahn: One day I was speaking at an event in Colorado, and this woman asked a question that I’d heard many times before, and I didn’t know how to answer before then.

She said, “I know you say that my husband’s greatest need is to know that I appreciate him, that I respect him. But what if I don’t? There’s all these issues.” And she described a pretty significant marriage issue. There were some addictions and some other issues. And they were really on the verge of separating, and she was just heartbroken.

I said, “Look, I’m not a counselor, so I don’t know your individual situation, but let me share with you something that Nancy DeMoss shared with me just recently.” And I shared the Husband Encouragement Challenge. I said, “Just try this for thirty days.”

And she said, “Okay.” You could tell she wasn’t very happy about it.

And then, I fly away, just like you. You go to an event, and then you leave. You’re in and out, and you don’t necessarily hear the end of the story.

Three years later I was back in the same state—different side of the state, completely different area—at another woman’s event, and another woman asked a very similar question. And by then, I had been so intrigued by their responses that I was seeing through this, that I had actually started some research on this. And I said, “Just try this.” It was fleshed out with different things. We were calling it, “The 30-Day Kindness Challenge.” It was not just for husbands but for anybody.

And she said, “Okay.”

She sat down, and another woman raised her hand. She didn’t have a question. She actually looked at the woman first, and she said, “If you do that, what she just said, you’ll find it changes everything.”

Then she looked at me, and she said, “You’re not going to remember me, but three years ago you came to my church in a different part of the state. You gave me a very similar answer. Everything in me wanted to ignore everything you said. But I didn’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home, and so I did it. And it changed everything.”

She started to cry. And, of course, I’m starting to cry at this point. She said,

I had no idea until I started this effort to be one-sided in this way for thirty days, just to give my husband this kindness and to withhold the sort of negativity that had been coming out of me. I had no idea how much negativity there was. I had no idea how often it was. It wasn’t just him that was the problem. It was me!

And suddenly, because I was suddenly aware of this, he softened, and he responded less defensively because I wasn’t making him defensive. So he started showing that kindness back to me, and that made it easier to show him. It started this positive cycle. And three years later, we love being married!

It’s not like it’s magic. It’s just the way God works when you do these things and try these one-sided efforts to do what you can do.

We’ve all heard the power of a one-sided effort, but honestly, Nancy, the core of, “The 30-Day Kindness Challenge,” is what you came up with. I started to research it because I was so struck by it. I really think it’s not just any one-sided effort, it’s that specifically that’s so powerful.

Nancy: Well, it’s the transforming power of love, of grace, of generosity, of kindness.

Shaunti: Yes, yes.

Nancy: All of which is a portrait of Jesus. Right?

Shaunti: Yes.

Nancy: And how it changes the dance step in a relationship.

Dannah: That’s Shaunti Feldhahn in conversation with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. Shaunti’s book is called The Kindness Challenge: 30 Days to Improve Any Relationship. We’re including a link to it at ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend. Click on today’s program. I want you to know, I love this book!

Now I realize you might be feeling skeptical or even upset. It’s true that just being nice to your husband isn’t going to automatically fix all the problems in your marriage. Some deeply-rooted sins need counseling help or other kinds of intervention. Bob and I know that firsthand. 

But don’t forget about what God wants to do in your heart. You never know what the Lord might use to soften your man’s heart. So give the kindness challenge or the encouragement challenge a try . . . and pray like crazy. It’s one way you can grow in your love for your husband. 

Hey, Revive Our Hearts Weekend is a listener-supported program. That means we rely on the prayers and financial support of friends like you. If you appreciate what you’re hearing here, drop us a line. Lift us up to God in prayer, and, if you’re able, send in a donation. 

When you do, we’ll say "thank you" by offering you a wonderful book by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. The title is Adorned: Living Out the Beauty of the Gospel Together. Nancy walks you through the passage I mentioned at the beginning of this program, Titus chapter 2, verses 1–5. Just ask about Adorned when you contact us with your financial gift. To make a donation, go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on today’s episode. 

Today we talked about loving our husbands. Next week, a closer look at loving our children well. I hope you’ll join us for that.

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

¹“Love and Marriage,” Frank Sinatra, Ultimate Sinatra, This compilation ℗ 2015 Universal Music Enterprises.

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