Loving Your Pastor’s Wife

This episode contains portions from:

The series "Follow the Leaders"

The message "Finding Joy in the Journey as a Pastor's Wife"

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Dannah Gresh: You never know how much a thirty-second text might mean to a man who is in the trenches shepherding lost sheep!

Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend, I’m Dannah Gresh. 

The other day, my adult son was reading aloud from his Bible. He chose the story of the shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine for the one lost lamb. You may recall that Jesus told that story because the religious leaders were grumbling when they saw the Messiah hanging out with sinful people. Well, in the version my son chose, it said that Jesus welcomed them like friends. Something like that. It warmed my heart so to think of Jesus shepherding those lost people. It reminded me someone, a pastor in my life—Jonathan Weibel. What a shepherd he is! 

So, I decided to just make a quick voice memo and send it to him. I affirmed his evangelistic heart and Itold him that the way he interacted with lost people seemed a whole lot like Jesus! He texted back. “I’m saving that memo forever!” 

This is Pastor Appreciation weekend. I wanted to take some time today to help us think through what you’re doing to come alongside your pastor and his family, specifically his wife. We’ll hear an interview with Crawford Loritts and Nancy DeMoss Wolgumuth. Kim Wagner and Holly Elliff will share some hidden hurts that many pastors’ wives feel. Both of them are pastors’ wives and good friends of Revive Our Hearts. And I had some fun talking with two pastors and their wives. 

I’m excited about our time together today. 

In 1 Thessalonians 5:12–13 we find these words: “Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to give recognition to those who labor among you and lead you in the Lord and admonish you, and to regard them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.” 

What does it mean to recognize and regard our leaders? Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth unpacks these verses and helps us understand how we can honor those who are in spiritual leadership over us.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: First, we’re to respect or know our leaders, we’re to esteem them, and then thirdly, we’re to be at peace among ourselves, which I think speaks to the relationship between the people and the spiritual leaders. What are the first two responsibilities?

The first one is to respect or to know them, the second is to esteem them very highly in love. What does that mean, to respect, to know them. The word has to do with recognizing, appreciating them. First of all, we need to know who our spiritual leaders are.

Know, I assume you know who your senior pastor is, and you probably know who the other people on the pastoral staff are, although in some large churches today, it’s possible that you would not know who those people are. It’s important that we get to know who they are.

We also need to know who the deacons, the elders, the spiritual leadership of the church—whatever they’re called in your church—you need to know who they are. You need to know them well enough that you can be deeply grateful for how they serve the flock, well enough to respect them. We’re to respect or to know those who minister spiritually to us, those who care for our souls.

Then we are to esteem them very highly in love. That’s a strong term. It means to hold them in the highest regard. Now that’s the Scripture speaking. It’s not saying here that they are perfect.

We’re assuming that they’re human, that they are not yet glorified, we’re assuming also that they’re fulfilling their responsibilities, but it says here that we’re to hold them in the highest regard. Why? It doesn’t say because they have a great personality, it doesn’t say because we love their style. It says, “because of the work that they do,” because they fulfill these responsibilities before God.

I think it’s important not only that we have this heart attitude of respecting and esteeming very highly in love those who provide spiritual leadership for us, but we need to let them know that. We need to express to them that we esteem them, that we respect them, that we love them. That means we need to take time to recognize them, to identify the contributions they have made to our lives—to express appreciation and gratitude to our spiritual leaders for their labors on our behalf.

Do the spiritual leaders in your church know that you appreciate, respect, esteem and love them? You say, “I’m just one person in the congregation. They don’t care what I think.” You know what? Your attitude and your response to those spiritual leaders is important. Paul’s talking here to all the people in the church.

Do the spiritual leaders in the church know that you are fulfilling this responsibility? How can you do that? Well, say it for one thing, verbalize it. And then write notes, write cards, find ways to express your appreciation—birthday cards, anniversary cards . . .

And I’m talking here not just about the pastor, but about the youth pastor, the worship minister, the deacons, the elders, and of course their wives. It's so important to include their mates in this because they are together in ministry. Thank them. Say to your pastor what it is that you appreciated about a particular message, how God used it in your life. Don’t just keep it to yourself. Let him know. He needs that encouragement. Praise, affirm.

Dannah: I just love how Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth challenges us to encourage and love our pastor well. Praise him, affirm him. God is using him in your life.

You know, I’m wondering what your pastor would say if you asked him what kind of encouragement or support he needs.

Nancy had a chance to ask that question of Crawford Loritts at one of our Revive Our Hearts conferences. Crawford is a pastor, author, and speaker. This conversation is very insightful to how we as women can come alongside our pastors. Nancy’s first question is from the perspective of serving in women’s ministry at church, and Crawford’s answer is fascinating. Here are Nancy and Crawford.

Nancy: So, Pastor Crawford Loritts, just shepherd us for a few minutes here. First of all, just a word of encouragement about women’s ministry, what difference can it make. From your perspective, how can it bless the local church?

Pastor Loritts: The greatest thing that you can do for your pastor and for your church—and this comes across as a cliché—but to make it a top priority to pray. Pray for your pastor. Pastors are human. We’re not the fourth member of the Trinity. There’s a lot on our plate, and sometimes we can come across, when we have vision for something—and I’ve been there—when we have vision for something, the problem is sometimes the vision gets a little bit disproportionate in how you present it to him.

In other words, our vision then, therefore, becomes the only thing that the church does. And so what ends up happening is you think he’s being defensive—and he might be. You know, we’re only human. He might be—but you think he’s being defensive, and you need to know that when you walk out of his office, there are other issues that are coming across his desk. There are other needs. There are student ministry needs. There are needs with single parents; there’s issues there.

So think in terms of you being a part of the whole, and understanding that your role is to contribute to the vision, not just to leverage what you’re doing. Do you follow what I’m saying? So when you think that way, you approach things as an ally and not as a squeaky wheel that’s trying to get some oil.

Nancy: Did you get that? Do you need any more clarification?

So, as you think about the women’s ministry in your church—I know Karen’s been real active in ministering to women, too—what are some ways that we as women can lift up the hands of, encourage, support, bless pastors, spiritual leaders in the church?

Pastor Loritts: I think the very first question you should always ask your pastor is, “Pastor, what’s on your heart?”

Nancy: Rather than, “Pastor, here’s what’s on my heart”?

Pastor Loritts: Exactly. I’ve got to be a steward of where we’re going as a church, what our vision is. Okay? I can’t get away from that.

But I have to come alongside of the people that are called there, and I’m assuming that God’s given them incredible pieces to help translate that vision to a reality. So my role as a leader is to come to them and ask them, “What’s on your heart? How can I remove the barriers, the roadblocks from you?”

So I view my role that way, too. Now, it works both ways. You need to come to your pastor and ask the question—let’s stand back a little bit. Let’s get up to 30,000 feet. “Where are we going as a church? What’s on your heart? What’s on the hearts of the leaders here? All right, Pastor, here’s what’s on my heart. How can I contribute and adjust this to make sure that I’m maximizing my contribution to where the church is going?”

Too many people are looking for a platform to leverage their ministry rather than an opportunity to fulfill the mission, and I think there’s a different way of thinking, and I don’t think any pastor in his right might . . . in fact, home boy might fall over dead if you came to him like that. He’d go, “Whoa! Where did that come from?”

Don’t wait, don’t assume, don’t assume hostility. Now, pastors can be insecure. Pastors can be a very high threat.

Nancy: Of course, women’s ministries, they are never insecure.

Pastor Loritts: No . . . well, I’ll let you speak to that.

Nancy: I think we’re all insecure, right?

Pastor Loritts: Right. Well, we bring our stuff with us, but I think if you invest more than you withdraw from him, you’d be surprised at the ally that you’d have.

Nancy: Boy, that’s worth writing down. If you invest more than you withdraw from him, you’ll be surprised at the ally that you might have.

It sounds like you’re really talking about a servant’s heart.

Pastor Loritts: Absolutely.

Nancy: That’s what you were saying last night.

Pastor Loritts: Absolutely. It’s taken me years to get there. I’m hard headed. I’m driven. The stuff that I speak on strongly is because I’ve been to God’s woodshed about it. So let me just tell you that.

But you’ve got to get to a place where you truly believe that nobody’s going to take anything from me, and stop making your ministry personal. Don’t make it a statement of your own significance and value, and when you think cause, you think contribution, you think kingdom—it is amazing how fulfilled you ultimately will become.

Nancy: We have hundreds of pastors’ wives here. I wish Karen could be here this weekend, and Karen wishes she could be here.

Pastor Loritts: So do I. I’m nervous as all get out. I’m afraid Nancy’s going to ask me something and I go, “I don’t know.”

Nancy: How can women in the church—because a lot of us are leading women’s ministries—how can we be an encouragement and a blessing to our pastors’ wives?

Pastor Loritts: Yes—reduce your expectations of her. That’s where it all begins.

Nancy: I think I heard some “Amen’s” out there. That’s where all the hundreds of pastors’ wives are, right?

Pastor Loritts: Now, I want to say something to the pastors’ wives, and please, please don’t hear this as sounding male locker roomish, okay? But I need to say this: One of the hard lessons I’ve learned in life and in leadership is that people will treat you the way you let them treat you. I don’t mean that bullish in any way. But I think pastors’ wives . . . what I would suggest to you is to project the way in which you expect people to treat you.

Set some healthy boundaries and take the pressure off of yourself of having to match your husband’s public gifts. You don’t necessarily have to do that. You need to be free to do what God’s called you to do and your husband needs to make sure that he tells the elders or the leaders of the church, “No, you hired me. You didn’t hire my wife. And she’s not expected to be all of this stuff. Give her freedom to be who she needs to be.”

I think as women’s ministry leaders, frankly, you ought to accept her for who she is. She doesn’t have to be on the women’s leadership council. She doesn’t have to be . . . just accept whatever she brings to the table. She’s your sister that happens to be married to the pastor. 

Dannah: That’s Crawford Loritts and Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, talking about pastors and pastors’ wives. Speaking as a woman in ministry, what Crawford Loritts said is spot on. Amen, brother. 

We need to love and accept our pastor’s wife, we need to pray for her as we pray for her husband. She has a lot more on her shoulders than we might see. Colossians 3:12 reminds us to put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Are you clothing yourself with compassion when you’re around the other ladies at your church? Specifically your pastor’s wife?

To hear more from this conversation, go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and we’ll have a link for you there.

Being a pastor’s wife comes with many challenges that we don’t see. Holly Elliff and Kim Wagner spent some time encouraging pastors’ wives during one of our True Woman conference events. Here’s Holly sharing a hard situation that she walked through with some women in her church. Let’s learn together of some of the difficulties that pastors’ wives face. 

Holly Elliff: One moment in particular that I remember was when I was in a church business meeting.  I had come in late, so I was on the back row in the back of the chapel. Seated in front of me was a little group of senior adult ladies who did not know that I had come in behind them.

So I sat down right behind the women and heard everything they said to each other throughout the whole business meeting. Of course, they were popping up and making comments the whole time.

So I was livid when I left there. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I was angry, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I left that place and went home. About five minutes later there was a little knock on my front door and it was a faithful friend who had also been on the same row that I was on and who could also hear everything they said. She walked in my den, sat down, and said, “Well, how are you doing?”

I said, “How do you think I’m doing? I’m not going to lie. I’m furious!”

She just looked at me and said, “Well, what are you going to do about that?”

I wanted to strangle her. (laughter) But she was my friend. During that time, God began to teach me a principle, and that is to get out my suitcase of grace, take whatever it is that has hurt me or has made me angry and realize that it does not have to belong to me. Why? Because Christ has already paid the price for that thing in my life, closing the lid. 

One time when I was teaching this, a woman came up to me later and said, “Honey, I don’t need a suitcase. I need a semi.” (laughter) But take the suitcase of God’s grace and then intentionally choosing to carry that thing out to the curb and hand it to my Savior because even when I have absolutely no ability to deal with that circumstance, God has everything I need.

That suitcase is not too heavy for Him, but it’s way too heavy for me, and God didn’t build me to carry it. So I have the opportunity to hand it to the One who gave His life for me, who will willingly take that suitcase from me.

So when it’s left at the foot of the cross, it is no longer mine. And you know what? I could go back that next Sunday—I worked in the welcome center with one of these women for three hours every Sunday morning—and that’s where I really became a student of God’s grace because it was not in me to do it. I had to constantly run to the Lord and access what He could provide for me if I would just ask.

So, it was either sit here and be miserable and mad and angry, or it was don’t let the sun go down on that anger. Quickly put it away, hand it off to the One who is built to carry it, and then I am free from that anger and that hurt.

That is a principle that I have used for many, many, many years now in so many settings. It sounds trivial, but it’s a biblical principle, and it’s true.

Kim Wagner: Holly just referenced there Ephesians 4—not letting the sun go down on your wrath. But if you look at verse 32, if you go on through that, we are to forgive others and demonstrate to others the grace that we’ve been given, that we’ve been shown.

It helps so much in ministry and in life to live with the perspective in dealing with hurt and offense that hurting people hurt others. As they’re dishing out this hurt to me, recognize there is a need there. 

If you do a study of Jesus’ life, look at all the times that He was ridiculed, He was attacked, He was criticized while He was doing ministry. I’m not just talking about at the cross—as He was going to the cross. You see at the end of Matthew 9:32 when it says He looks out at the crowds, and as He’s viewing them, His heart was filled with compassion. He looked past the ridicule; He looked past the offensive remarks, the offensive treatment. He looked past all of that, and He saw the need, and then He was filled with compassion.

That’s what we’re to do. That is how we can be filled with compassion—ask Him to help us see their need.

Holly: I’ll tell you that it’s a lot easier if you’re a mercy person like Kim instead of a truth person like me, because I want them to pay for what they have done (Laughter). Kim is much quicker because she has that tender heart. If you have that heart, you’re still going to get hurt, but it will be easier for you to forgive perhaps than somebody who’s a . . . My husband says I’m a high truth person that wants it to be justified. “That’s just not right. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wrong.” So you want God to fix it before you forgive them.

Let me give you one other picture here of how to deal with hurt, and that is when you encounter somebody who you know you may have a difficult time with. Think of putting on a big, yellow slicker like the kind that comes to your ankles and has a hood. You put on that slicker and what that does is allow things to roll off. So instead of constantly having to pack your suitcase, you just get better at not ever picking up the hurt in the first place.

So instantly, when somebody attacks you or does something that hurts you or you hear about it or whatever, you have the opportunity to say, “You know what? I’m putting this on. I am clothed in Christ. This hurt does not belong to me in the first place, so I am just not going to pick it up.” If I don’t pick it up, I don’t have to spend so much time hiking out to the curb. So it makes my life more simple.

Dannah: This conversation between Holly Elliff and Kim Wagner, both pastors’ wives, is so helpful for the young pastor’s wife or for the woman sitting in a seat of that church. 

As I was listening to Kim and Holly share, it hit me just how insensitive we women can be, how we can hurt others so needlessly with our words and attitudes. 

Have you ever been frustrated by a decision your pastor made? 
Did you share your frustration with your friends? 
Maybe you even shared it with your pastor’s wife.

Remember the verse I shared earlier? Colossians 3:12: “Put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” Sister, let’s put on compassion and kindness and humility and gentleness and patience. Especially with our pastor and his wife.

Okay, let’s get out of that heaviness, it's time to move on.

What does loving your pastor’s wife look like? Well, I had a chance to talk with two fun couples about this topic—Stephen and Mandy Love and Joe and Becky Fant. Stephen and Joe are both pastors in the South Bend, Indiana, area. And here's my conversation with them.

Dannah: Mandy and Becky, I want to ask you. I'm thinking of Pastor Appreciation Month. Every October we get out the gift cards for the pastor. We write them nice notes. I wonder though, sometimes if the work of being a pastor's wife doesn't sometimes get a little overlooked. So Mandy and Becky, how do you need encouragement as the wife of the men leading these churches.

Becky Fant: I think we've all hit on it. We want to be your sister in Christ. So treat us as you would every other sister in Christ in your church. If you see a need or even see the emotion on our faces that this is a hard day, step into that. You don't have to be afraid to talk to us. We're just normal people, broken people. We have seasons of discouragement, seasons where we feel that we are serving and its not making a difference. Normalize us a little bit; I think that would help.

There's a book called Practicing Affirmation that has really been revolutionizing to me. It's where when you see the character of God in someone you point that out. Actually, you are boasting in Christ. So if you see the character of God in someone, you speak up and encourage them in that. That is probably the biggest message of encouragement to me when someone says, "I see Christ in you in this way." Like, I'm good for a while if someone says something like that. I'll ride on that for awhile. I think we all should do that with everyone, not just to encourage your pastor's wife. If you see the character of God being reflected in your pastor's wife, don't just think it and assume other people are saying it. Actually that the time to share it with her. I think you would very much encourage her heart.

Mandy Love: Amen, girl. That is really beautiful. That's exactly right. We are sisters in the body of Christ. That affirmation is so good. I'm so encouraged when people will text me and say, "You're on my heart. I prayed for you." I think we can all be encouraged as the Body of Christ to tell people that we've prayed for them. Just let them know they they've been on your heart. Asking, "How can I pray for you?" That has blessed my soul.

The Lord has used that so tremendously, and it's right when you need it. So I agree with everything Becky said. Treat us like another sister in Christ. I would say prayer. I am so blessed when a sister will come up and say, "Can I just pray over you?"

Dannah: Can you take us to a time, and tell us a specific issue where someone did that for you that just changed the trajectory of your day, your week, your month? Take us to that moment. What did that look like?

Becky: I think of so many moments. We have a very loving church family, and I'm thankful for it. It's like Mandy said, you're just going about your day and a text message comes in, "Hey, I was thinking about you today. I prayed for you. Thank you for the way you faithfully serve our church." I mean, your whole day has shifted. You feel seen all of a sudden. Or a handwritten note in the mail. We have a lady in our church who says that is her gift. She writes handwritten notes. It's not a bill in the mail, it's an actual note.

I keep those. I have a stack of cards that people have given me. During discouraging moments in ministry, I have cracked those out and have gone through them again. There are some days you feel that the church is so loving, I love helping them. Then there are moments where we feel we are just failing and the people must hate us. You just have those moments, you really do.

So a written word like that, or someone praying with you, that's really the best gift that they can give. 

Dannah: That was such a fun time with Stephen and Mandy Love and Joe and Becky Fant.

As you think about the woman married to the pastor in your church, don’t just pray for her. Text her, or even write a note of encouragement. Call her when she just comes to mind. Buy her a little gift. As a woman in ministry, I can’t tell you how far those little gifts and encouragements  go to lift my spirits, to know someone noticed me and my work. Be an instrument of encouragement. Love those women in your church today. 

A way of encouraging her might be in the way of a book that will inspire her in her walk with Christ. The book that is speaking truth to me right now is Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth’s latest book, Heaven Rules. What a power punch of truth! In fact, buy two, cause you’ll want one to keep for yourself. To get your copies of Heaven Rules, call 1-800-569-5959, or go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on today’s episode.

Next week, let’s talk about the women we keep in our close circle. Our community. You know, a healthy community surrounding us helps us thrive. Let’s learn how to do that together. 

Thanks for listening today. Thanks to our team. For Revive Our Hearts Weekend, I’m Dannah Gresh

Revive Our Hearts is calling women to freedom, fullness and fruitfulness in Christ.

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