Single-Minded Contentment

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"Trusting God for the Future"

"Contentment in Singleness"

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Dannah Gresh: You and I are going to spend a big chunk of our lives as single women. For some of us that comes before we’re married, for others after we lose the one we covenanted with either to death or divorce. We don’t really think about it, but singleness is a part of life. Do we approach it with contentment? 

This is Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I'm Dannah Gresh. This program is titled "Single-Minded Contentment."

Today’s episode is for you, whether you’re single or married. You know how I know that? Because finding contentment is something we all need to do.

But this episode is especially meaningful for you if you’re single, or you have a friend or family member who is. I say that because, I feel like we need to do a better job in the Church of supporting, embracing, and welcoming singleness. It could go a long way in helping with contentment, don’t you agree?

Now, let me say this about contentment and singleness . . . a disclaimer before we begin. Being content does not mean shutting your heart off to the idea of sharing your life with someone! There’s nothing wrong with having that desire to date/marry/find a godly man. But it cannot be the point of life—what you long for most!

What I want us to talk about today is how to live in that tension . . . of having those longings, yet learning to be content in the season we’re in, in the season God has you for the time being. 

If you know Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth’s story, you probably know she was single for many years before she married Robert Wolgemuth. She was nearly sixty when they had the most beautiful wedding! So, of course, our friend Nancy has some great insight when it comes to being single and learning to live content. Today she’s here, sharing some practical advice about grounding ourselves in the hope of God’s Word. She recorded this just before she got married in 2015. 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Regardless of what the end of the story may be, we can know without a doubt that God really does love us. So we need a view of God that's grounded in the Word of God, not grounded in our feelings, which are fickle and feeble and changing, but a view of God that's grounded in His Word.

I referenced earlier my friend Lydia Brownback's book, Fine China Is for Single Women, Too. It's one I highly recommend. She says, in that book,

What governs God's ordering of our marital status? The same thing that governs all He does—love, mercy, grace, and His desire to conform us to Jesus Christ. Why would we want to change that? It's all for our blessing. If you are single, it is because, for the time being at least, God has determined that you will most glorify Him and come to enjoy Him most fully as a single woman. If the time comes when those two ends will be achieved through marriage, God will change your life so that you will be married.

So as you think about your view of God, I want to encourage you to get so grounded in the Word of God that you're continually counseling your heart according to what is truth revealed in God's Word, the truth that:

• God does love you. 
• He wants only your best.
• He wants only what is good for you. 
• Marriage is not a reward for godliness or beauty or patience. 
• Your marital status is not a measure of your worth.
• God finds you desirable, and so on.

Go to the Word of God, and let the Word of God be that which drives and directs and owns and tethers your thinking and your heart and your emotions so that your emotions become connected to the truth, to the Word of God. And that's when sometimes in those hard times you have to keep telling yourself what you know to be true from God's Word.

I've had to do that as a single woman. I've learned to do it. I will have to do it as a married woman, to learn to counsel my heart according to the truth of God's Word because my ultimate happiness and well-being does not depend on Robert Wolgemuth. Now, he has made me very happy. He loves me very much. But he's not God. He's a shepherd, small "s,"in my life. But together we're committed to following the Shepherd, the great Shepherd, capital "S," and that's where our happiness and our well-being is assured.

Now, I know as singles, that often a big concern that's expressed is, "What about the future?" I think there are fears about the future for many single women, many widows. "How will I handle this?"

One woman who serves in another ministry wrote me, and she said, "I can get fearful of what's around the corner." This woman's in her early fifties.

She said, "With no parents to help me, and siblings in other states, one huge catastrophe could wipe me out. Who would take care of me should I get ill or injured? Unemployment for more than a couple of months could clean my clock. When my father died I took my mother in and supported her financially." And she did this beautifully. I was around when she was doing that.

She said, "Who will help me? Beyond frightening. I remind myself, 'Never have I seen the righteous forsaken or His seed begging bread.'"

You go back to the Word of God as you think about the future. You don't live with those fears for the future. You counsel your heart according to truth.

Proverbs 1:33, "Whoever listens to me [to wisdom] will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster."

Luke 12, starting in verse 29, "Do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried."

I don't know how many times in our courtship and engagement Robert has said to me, "We're not going to worry about this—whatever it is. God has told us not to worry. Worry is a sin. We're not going to do it."

I'm going, "That's easy for you to say!"

It's not easy, but it's necessary to say, "He has said don't be worried."

For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father [capital "F"] knows that you need them. [He knows!] Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. (vv. 29–32)

Listen, He's going to give us all that. He's given us Christ. Do you think He will not give us the measly little things we need, daily bread, for which He's told us to pray and for which we must trust Him? And the absence of that puts us in a place of needing to trust Him more, to call out to Him.

So what about the future? "Fear not. It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

There's so many promises from God's Word, promises to give us a future, to give us a hope.

Isaiah 56, God says:

To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, [those who have foregone marriage for the sake of the kingdom of God, these single people, single for a long time, those who keep my Sabbaths] who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls [God says] a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off. (vv. 4–5)

I've watched so many single women get to that "about forty stage." They know the biological time clock is ticking. When they realize that they're probably not going to be able to have children, because God hasn't provided a husband, there's something that's really hard in a lot of women's lives, and a lot of you have been there.

God's Word says, to those who choose to accept "My calling in their lives, I will give a name, a home, a place, a family that is better than biological sons and daughters."

You say, "What could be better?"

Whatever God gives you is better. How thankful I am for the children God has given me—the spiritual grandchildren—for the relationships, for the ministry, for the fruitfulness in a single, in a way, during my decades of singleness that would have been very different had I been married during those years. Robert will be the first to tell you I have so many rich, sweet, deep, meaningful, helpful, huge, close, intimate relationships with people that I've poured my life into. They've poured their life into me. We're connected. We're family.

And now, him as a widower, me as a woman who's been single all these years, to be bringing those lives and families together. We often say to each other, "Your people will be my people." And for the glory of God, and for some kind of fruitfulness that God anticipates that we could never have anticipated.

I wouldn't have written the script this way. I'm telling you, I wouldn't have. It never entered my mind to think that this might be what God has for me in this season. But it entered His mind. And, "Eyes have not seen; ears have never heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for those who love Him" (1 Cor. 2:9 KJV paraphrased).

So love Him first, and then know whether your view of God is being drawn from the Scripture, that God is good, and you can trust Him to write your story.

Dannah: Those words from Nancy are huge when it comes to finding contentment. God and His Word really are our hope in every season of life. 

My friend Charmaine Porter has found this to be true. As a single woman, she’s no stranger to the ache of longing and lonely nights—and she isn’t afraid to admit that those can be difficult times. But she’s learned how to see the glory of God in the midst of it all by recognizing the ways every season is a gift from Him. I had the chance to talk with her more about this. Let’s listen.

Charmaine Porter: Sometimes we only hear, “gift of _____ and you insert here singleness. But marriage is also a gift. It is a gift! 

Make God’s glory the purpose. Make that the aim, make that the goal, because that’s why you were created. Before I was of marrying age, my purpose was to glorify God. That was why I was born. That’s why He made me, to make Him look good. So He’ll use whatever avenue as a single person, whatever avenue as a friend, whatever avenue as a sister, whatever avenue at my job. When I go to Kroger. He’s like, “I’m just about My glory!”

Dannah: Yes. You sound so confident, and you’ve thought through this theologically. You’ve found some peace in it. But does that mean that the loneliness and the ache and sometimes the hard nights aren’t a part of your life anymore?

Charmaine: Oh no, no, no, no, no! I definitely still have those, for sure! I know this sounds cliché to say it, because we talk about it all the time . . . but the scrolling on Instagram. Right now people that I went to college with, people that I went to high school with, they are married and now on like kid number two or three. Sometimes that’s hard. I’m not going to lie to you.

But I have learned to become a fan of God’s glory. So wherever I see His glory happening, I choose to celebrate that! That may not always be my instinct. But I get to choose how I respond when I see my friends on Instagram or I see them on Facebook or I hear like some other person’s in a relationship or this person got a new job. 

It’s not just about the relationship status. It’s also about, “Oh, you went on this awesome vacation . . . and I’m here at work.” But if God doesn’t define me by my relationship status, then why should I? 

So wherever I start to see God’s glory, I’ve started to choose to celebrate: “God, be glorified—all the glory out of this vacation, all the glory out of this baby, all the glory out of this relationship.” Then I start to become a fan of that. Now, like you said, that doesn’t mean that it’s easier, but as I’ve gotten to know the Lord, He’s like, “I want you to talk to Me about that stuff. Invite Me into that.”

I’m a full-blooded woman, and my hormones work. Praise the Lord! He’s like, “Invite Me into that, when you feel that, when you feel those pangs of loneliness and those pangs of wanting to be with someone. Tell Me about it; talk with Me about it. You can!” You can. Jesus died and rose again for us to have that opportunity.

Dannah: So don’t deny it.

Charmaine: Don’t deny it. Absolutely not!

Dannah: Say, “Jesus, come here with me.”

Charmaine: Yes. Psalm 42. I am reading out of the New Living Translation. The psalmist here starts off,

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you—even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar. I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. (vv. 5–7)

All of this is saying to me that the psalmist is very much aware of what’s going on inside him. He’s seeing what’s happening. He’s aware of what’s happening, and he’s like, “This is how it’s affecting me, and I’m talking to God about it. I’m inviting Him into my experience of life.”

And then he says in verse 8: 

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me [hope]. 

He chooses where his focus is. He may not be able to change what he’s aware of, but he does get to choose where he focuses. And he resolves within himself, 

I’m praying to the God who gives me life. “O God my rock,” I cry:

“Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?” Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?” (vv. 9–10)

This is showing me that he’s real with the Lord. 

He’s very, very honest! “Why have You forgotten me? I’m living my life for you. I’m telling you that this is going on, and it just seems like You’ve forgotten me. What’s going on, God?!” He’s not afraid to be honest with the Lord with what he’s feeling.

Then, the very last verse, verse 11, he repeats what he said in verse 5:

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?”

He does some self-reflection. He asks himself those questions, and then he resolves to remember.

“I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!”

Again, he chooses his focus!

Dannah: He chooses. 

Charmaine: All of this shows me that God wants to be involved in my experience as a single person. He wants to hear about when I’m scrolling through Instagram and I start to feel those pangs. He doesn’t want me to deny them. If I’m feeling jealous, like, “God, I’m feeling jealous! This really hurts to see right now!”

If I see someone going on vacation . . . whatever it is, like, “God, why don’t I have that? I feel like I’m walking with You and serving You, and I think I still want this other gift that’s out there. Why don’t I have it?” He’s okay with me asking Him that.

Dannah: But what I hear you saying over and over again is, “I choose to embrace my singleness. I choose to glorify God. I choose to say, ‘Thank You, God.’ I choose to be grateful for the gifts other people have,” instead of feeling sorry for yourself. . .

Charmaine: Yes.

Dannah: And that really is ultimately choosing to trust God to write your story. Right?

Charmaine: Yes, amen!

Dannah: Such good encouragement from Charmaine Porter, no matter where you are in life. We can always, always, always glorify God. 

And when it’s still a struggle, when you’re wrestling with discontentment, don’t forget that God knows you. Your Maker sees your heart, and He wants you to be vulnerable with Him. 

I want us to listen to a piece of an honest conversation I had with Katie McCoy. Now, here’s a fireball of energy and biblical truth! I cannot wait for you to meet her if you’ve not already! Katie has faced unmet expectations, and we talked about what it looks like to bring it all before Jesus. 

Dannah: The purpose of prayer is to talk with God. That's it. And so many times I make it a laundry list. I wonder if sometimes the Lord isn't just like, "I'm not going to answer that, because would you just chill out and sit with Me and be with Me?"

Katie McCoy: That's really good.

Dannah: That's what the Lord's purging from me right now, I don't know. Is he purging anything from you right now?

Katie: Yes, in fact, let me see if I can even put this into words. One it these kind of three P's. They kind of all work together, but I'll tell you, and I didn't plan on just opening up my heart, but that's okay. I'm leading in front of you. Thank you. That's good.

So I am nearly forty, and I thought I would be married by twenty-five, so so far I'm only fifteen years off. The Lord protected me from things that I had asked Him for. I know that is all for a preparation, and that preparation is for something that is greater than I am, greater than I can see. But even now I see how the discipline of that pain—not only dealing with that pain, but continuing to go to God with it.

The growth of looking back and saying, "Thank You, Lord, for protecting me from what I didn't know, from what I thought was the right thing." And then all of that goes to a purging of, ultimately, that belief that, "God doesn't really care about me. He cares about making me holy, but He doesn't care much about that anything else. It's not like He cares about me, like my happiness, or anything like that." You know, we kind of make God out to be a very stoic father, as though living in holiness and happiness are on two opposite ends of a spectrum, as opposed to the ways of God are actually for our joy and our flourishing and us being everything that He intended us to be.

And so it all kind of works together. I'm seeing the Lord do that in my life. But I will tell you, Dannah, it is, I would say, a daily thing. Because when you're faced with that, "Lord, when are You going to _________?" You have to not only come to that place of trust, but of going, "Okay, will I still serve God with disappointment? Will I serve Him with a broken heart? Will I still pursue holiness, not for something I can get from Him?" But because He's God, and He's the one I was made to know, reflect, love, serve, and enjoy, all of that comes to the surface in our unanswered prayer.

Dannah: I can think of women who are single and waiting, or who are married and waiting for a baby. Yes, they're waiting on these unanswered prayers with that tension of trusting God, but also having some tears and heartbreak as they surrender. We're not alone. Though Jesus was God in the flesh, did He ever utter an unanswered prayer to God the Father?

Katie: In a way we could say "yes." We see the model for it in His prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, when the Lord Jesus says, "Father, if it's possible, would You take this cup from Me?" And that cup we understand to mean the full suffering. It's not only of the physical torture He would go through, but the weight of bearing sin and the separation from the Father that our minds can't possibly fathom. We can't understand that much less put it into some type of logical system. But we don't have to. The Lord Jesus has shown us. He told us what was happening. He did it for us.

And then the very next sentence, "Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done." What a picture of serving God in pain with a broken heart, submitting to the Father's plan and doing His will. Hebrews tells us that He submitted to all of the pain of the cross, despising, setting aside the shame for the joy that was set before Him, and He recognized as horrific as this is, it's still temporary. It's not forever. Jesus didn't stay on the cross forever. We are not going to be left here. We are not going to be left where we are. Our suffering is temporary. It's still suffering, but it's not without a purpose. Our Lord, who lived all of our sorrows and carried them for us, He knows the pain of doing the will of the Father at great cost to Himself.

Dannah: Wow! Maybe you are single and waiting, or married and waiting for something. You’re waiting on unanswered prayers with the tension of trusting God but also having some tears and heartbreak as you surrender. I hope Katie’s honesty and insight are giving you hope today. 

Katie McCoy is going to be one of our speakers at the next Biblical Help for Real Life Workshop. You won’t want to miss this second online event in the series from Revive Our Hearts. Along with Katie, you’ll hear from Bible teacher Kelly Needham, the beloved and respected Kay Arthur, and host Erin Davis in this special event called “Loving & Living God’s Word.” We want you to take a deep dive into the treasure of God’s Word as you learn to both love it—and live it out. 

So I hope you’ll make plans to join us Tuesday, September 10, online from 7–8:30 p.m. (EDT), or stream the event at your convenience through May 5, 2025. You can register today for $29, or bundle to save on the whole four-event series. Go to ReviveOurHearts.com/word to find out more and sign up. 

We’ll hear more from Katie McCoy, Kay Arthur, and Kelly Needham all next week on Revive Our Hearts. And next weekend, join me back here for an episode all about false teachers and the importance of sound doctrine. 

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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