Abigail - Week 2: A Reasonable Request; A Rude Response

Erin Davis: Welcome back to the Women of the Bible podcast. I’m Erin Davis. We’re so glad you could join us. This season is all about Abigail.

When you think about women of the Bible, you might not think about Abigail. But as we walk through this study titled Abigail: Living with the Difficult People in Your Life, you’re going to love Abigail. And . . . you’re going to learn to deal with the difficult people in your life.

So we are gathered around a table with our Bibles open in this Bible study. I’ve got some friends of mine who have joined me. I’ll let them introduce themselves in a moment. 

But that’s our hope for you. I hope that you are not just walking through this study on your own. I hope that you are gathered with women, with neighbors. This is only session two. There’s still time. Call your friend who lives three states away and say, “Let’s walk through the Abigail study together. Let’s listen to the podcast episodes. Let’s discuss. 

Any time we open the Bible, it’s good, it’s profitable. It’s good for our hearts. There is something about opening the Bible with other women and looking at it with multiple angles. And that’s what this is.

If it sounds like we are a bunch of women chatting, that’s what we are doing. We’re not Bible experts. We don’t have it all figured out, but we love the Word of God and want to point you to it.

So without further ado (that was a lot of ado), let me introduce you to my friends. First is my friend Meg. Meg and I really hang out. We live in neighboring towns. We attend the same church. A couple of years ago you were newly married and you texted me or emailed me.

Meg Honnold: I sent up an S.O.S.

Erin: And you said, “I would love . . .” What did you say?

Meg: I need a mentor. 

Erin: And you asked for a marriage mentor. And I said, “I can’t help you there.” (laughter)

I’ve been married almost twenty years, and I do not have the thing figured out. So I think I said, “I don’t know that I’m the right marriage mentor, but let’s have coffee.”

So we have a favorite Starbucks, and we like to hang out.

Meg loves Jesus, and you’re supposed to be introducing yourself. And here’s my litmus test for good friends. I want to know your perfect Friday night.

Meg: Perfect Friday night. I’m kind of boring. Honestly, I call myself an extroverted introvert. I can go into a crowd. I can do the parties. But my perfect Friday night is a nice night outside. I’ll take a hammock. I’ll take a book. I’ll take a mug of tea. And I’m going to go and be quiet. I’ll enjoy the great outdoors. Hopefully my husband is there. That’s my perfect Friday night.

Erin: Kesha and I are friends too, but we don’t live near each other. I live in the Midwest, and where do you live, Kesha?

Kesha Griffin: L.A.

Erin: You’ve always been an L.A. girl.

Kesha: Always. Born and raised in California. I’m a city girl.

Erin: And what’s your perfect Friday night?

Kesha: A perfect Friday night . . . Netflix and chill with my husband.

Erin: Alright, we can be friends. If you need me to spend my Friday night out with cute clothes on, doing things . . . no, I can’t. I need Netflix and hammocks.

Kesha: Does that mean we are getting old?

Erin: I think it does. I think that’s what it means. But Meg’s young!

Meg: Not to call you the old ones.

Erin: Don’t you think that the older we get the more we just want to stay home?

Kesha: Stay home.

Erin: I know, I’m the same.

So we’re not here to talk about our favorite Friday night. We’re here to look at the story of Abigail. We don’t get a lot of information about her in Scripture. It’s all contained in one chapter—1 Samuel 25. If you’re following with us, we’d love for you to open your Bible there.

In the first episode, we didn’t make it very far into the story. We were introduced to the three people who are really the players in this story—David who’s not yet king, but he has been anointed king. Kesha, remind us, what has David been doing when we meet him in 1 Samuel 25.

Kesha: Well, he’s actually grieving. Samuel had just died, so he’s grieving. He’s fleeing from Saul. He’s stressed. So he has a lot of emotions going on.

Erin: He does. And then we meet Nabal. Scripture doesn’t pull any punches about the kind of guy Nabal is. Every time we talk about Nabal . . .

Meg: My heart kind of sinks.

Erin: Yeah, we don’t like him.

Kesha: Yeah, it does something.

Erin: The Bible tells us that he is harsh; that he is wicked in his dealings; that he’s rude; that he’s badly behaved. We’re about to see in this episode that those things are true. The man is rude.

Then we see kind of the human heroine of the story. Jesus is the hero of every story. The Bible is about Him, ultimately. He’s the one who is going to bring redemption in this story. But the human heroine of this story is Abigail—the namesake of our study. We love her!

Every interaction we see with her, we’re going to love her more. We’re going to see her in this episode respond to a difficult man, in a difficult situation, with grace and poise.

So let’s dig in. Meg would you read for us 1 Samuel 25:4–8:

Meg:

While David was in the wilderness, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. So he sent ten young men and said to them, “Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. Say to him: ‘Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours! Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.’” (NIV)

Erin: So that’s kind of old-fashioned language that we hear them talking in.

Meg: Good health to you!

Erin: But what is David ultimately asking of Nabal?

Meg: Give us some snacks.

Erin: Yeah, give us some snacks.

Kesha: We were nice to your guys.

Erin: It’s sheep shearing time. There’s abundance. There’s some festivities that go around that.

David and his men are on the run. They’re saying, “Feed us!”

Meg: Can I invite myself over?

Erin: How would you describe David’s approach? What tone would you say he takes with Nabal at this time?

Kesha: I think he took a very humble route. It seemed to be gentle, not overbearing, not demanding, but very humble. He was reminding Nabal of what he’s going to have, how much abundance he’s going to have . . . and can we just get a little something from it?

Erin: And he reminds him that, “Hey, your shepherds have been among us, and we didn’t do them any harm.” David is traveling with an army.

They could have taken the sheep by force. They could have forced the shepherds into their army.

It’s a little of, “I scratched your back; you scratch my back.” He gives this blessing from the beginning.

To me, it sounds pretty reasonable. But Nabal responds in a way that isn’t exactly reasonable. Kesha can you read us verses 10–11.

Kesha: Sure.

And Nabal answered David's servants, “Who is David? Who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants these days who are breaking away from their masters. Shall I take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers and give it to men who come from I do not know where?” 

Erin: Okay, what’s the tone here.

Kesha: Very, very sarcastic. “Who’s David?”

Erin: “Who are you? I’ve never heard this name David.”

Kesha: Which, come on . . . everyone’s heard of David.

Erin: This is after he killed Goliath. So you’re right. He’s being sarcastic.

Then what’s this deal? Why doesn’t he want to give the meat and the sheep? What’s his hang up?

Kesha: Well, I think first verse tells us; he is just harsh and evil.

Erin: And that’s just who he is.

Meg: This probably wasn’t out of character.

Erin: And there’s a scarcity mindset. You know, we can operate out of scarcity or out of abundance. And we see scarcity in him, like, “Why would I give you my things? Get some for your own.”

“And there are lots of servants breaking away from their masters . . .” That’s a little tacky.

Meg: Passive-aggressive.

Erin: And you know, passive-aggressive is aggressive. It is not any more gracious. It is not any more kind. It is not any more godly to come at someone sideways like that.

Kesha: I’d rather you come right at me.

Erin: Yeah, I can deal with anything head on, but those sideways comments, no, no. I don’t want those sideways comments.

So David makes a reasonable request of Nabal, and Nabal responds with sarcasm. He is patronizing. He is seeking to humiliate a little bit. We see this harshness in him. Meg, how do you think you’d respond. Someone comes at you with sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness. What does history tell you about your response?

Meg: I think I see this in daily life for sure. A couple of years ago I had a very difficult boss. I actually left that position because he was extremely verbally abusive. So this passage for me was really difficult to work through because it felt like it was smacking me back in the face. I was right back in the seat in that office. I would just go home and sob because those kind of words just put you down.

They are designed to put you in your place and to lord it above you. I think a lot of times my response was to shrink.

I love that later on that Abigail’s posture is not one that has shrunk. Even living among Nabal, she very much deals with conflict head on. She is honest. She addresses the evil. She’s not sideways about that. She’s not sugar-coating what she’s lived with. She calls it for what it is.

I think that’s what I should have done—address the evil and harshness for what it was without shrinking.

Erin: There’s not necessarily any shoulds. There are some situations where you have to get out. You have to get out from under the tyranny of that person’s words.

It might be that there are people listening that when you said you had a harsh boss, their ears perked up. That’s the situation they are in. Maybe they can get out of the situation, and maybe they can’t.

There are going to be other women listening that as we are talking about this harsh, domineering, ill-behaved husband, that they see themselves in that story. It’s a different ball of wax.

Or parents. If your parent is the one that is harsh with you and that’s the environment, you may or may not be able to extract yourself.

So there are no list of rules in the story of Abigail that can apply to every situation where there is a difficult person, but there are principles here.

I think I’m like you. I go inside in my shell. I retreat further and further and further to get away from it. When maybe a direct conversation might nip it in the bud. Or a removal from the situation might nip it in the bud. There’s multiple ways to handle it.

That’s not initially how David handles it. We’ll talk about it in a little bit.

This reminds me of a story. I was travelling once and I was in a long line. What is it about air travel that brings about the worst in everybody? Everybody is cranky. We were in line. Our flight had been cancelled. We were in this long line to be re-booked. 

In the counter over, this man was berating this woman. The woman was behind the counter. He was the customer. He showed up late and had missed his flight. It was 100 percent his fault. It was obvious to everyone.

He is screaming. He is calling her names. He’s being passive-aggressive. I’m travelling alone and I turn to the man in front of me and said, “You going to handle this?” And he just put his head down. So I turned to the man behind me and said, “You going to handle this?” And he just put his head down. There’s children in the line.

Sometimes I have too much moxy. I marched over there and said, “You are no kind of man. My husband would never speak to a woman like this. I’m raising sons who will never speak to a woman like this. There are people listening to you, and you will stop.”

About that time, airport security marched up. So I thought, that’s about over. But they took him away. And I melted in a puddle on the floor after that confrontation because I had all this adrenaline and I didn’t know how it was going to go.

I think there are times that we stand up to it. I hope, if I could watch the replay, that I was not harsh. That I didn’t replay evil for evil. But I did take a stand. I said to that woman afterwards. “I’m a follower of Jesus. And I want you to know that you have value and I couldn’t bear to listen to you be talked to that way.”

She was so gracious. So obviously had some on the job training for that kind of thing.

But we all have encountered Nabals from time to time. Whether its a daily drip of that or its just someone random on the airport, I think we need to be equipped through the Word of God.

Kesha: That’s a good point. I think oftentimes we have a misconception of what godliness looks like. Sometimes godliness to a lot of people means to shrink and be almost dormant and to not vocalize yourself and be assertive.

But this story shows that there is a time for us to be assertive and still be godly.

Erin: My husband is so good at that. I think he rides the white horse. He just has this strong sense of justice. He runs in with his sword drawn. There have been times that it’s embarrassing to me.

We were at a game and the coach was cussing. We were sitting right behind him and my husband, with our kids, said, “You’re not going to talk like that in front of my children.” My face turned seventy-two shades of red. But I think that was the right response. We’re at a family basketball game. There’s kids here and you’re dropping this language that’s not appropriate. I think that was a godly response.

I think Abigail is going to show us that there are times that we stand up and that it is a righteous response.

Nabal’s response reminds me of Proverbs 15:1. I’m going to read it. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

That is just a little nugget for us to file in our hearts as we are looking for truth from the story that we can apply to our lives. “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

That’s exactly what happens here. Harsh words are the behavior. It’s easy for us to think of times when people were harsh to us. But I always want us to flip that and think of our own harsh words. When we do that’s the behavior, but we need to dig deeper. What does Jesus tell us about our words, Meg, in Matthew 12:34?

Meg: Let me turn there.

You brood of vipers, how are you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Erin: “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” That is a really convicting principle. Our mouth is just the plant above the surface. It reveals what is in the root of our heart.

So the way I think of that is, it’s impossible for me to say what I don’t mean. I might say something I didn’t mean for someone to hear. I might say something that I didn’t mean for that reaction. If it comes out of my mouth, it existed first in my heart.

I think I’ve wasted a lot of energy asking the Lord to fix my mouth, when I need the Lord to fix my heart.

Kesha, can you take us back to verse 11 we’re going to read Nabal’s words again. But I want us to think through that grid that: yes, these are the words, but they’re revealing something about the heart. Can you read us verse 11?

Kesha: Sure. 

“Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men whose origin I do not know?” (NASB)

Erin: Yes. That was the right emphasis. What do we hear? “My . . . my . . . my . . . my.” In just a brief sentence, Nabal is talking a lot about himself. So we would have to assume here, we’d have to make some assumptions. Scripture doesn’t tell us the heart of Nabal. Have you noticed the Lord doesn’t tell you the hearts of others? 

Meg: Yeah, what’s that about?

Kesha: What is that about? Just tell us already!

Erin: I don’t think we have any right to assume the heart of another human being. That’s the Lord’s territory. It’s not our territory. 

Kesha: And only He knows, truly.

Erin: Only He knows. So he doesn’t tell us what’s going on in Nabal’s heart. But by the “my . . . my . . . my . . . my . . . my,” we hear in Nabal, what sort of things can we assume are in the heart of Nabal? What did you hear there, Kesha?

Kesha: I heard selfishness.

Erin: I did, too.

Meg: Self-preservation.

Erin: Self-preservation. Anything else?

Kesha: Stinginess.

Erin: Stinginess. I hear pride. 

Kesha: Pride, definitely pride. 

Erin: Which is an inflated sense of self: thinking about me versus thinking about others. And so just in those few words, we can peel back the soil a little bit and go, “Oh, we don’t like the root of that.” And that’s an interesting discussion. However, let’s turn the tables on ourselves. We can dig back the soil of Nabal’s words and see some roots there and go, “We don’t like those!” And that’s an interesting discussion, maybe. 

But Nabal’s gone. He’s long gone. He’s in the ground, and so his heart attitudes are moot. But our heart attitudes are not. So I wonder if the Lord has shown you in your own life what your harsh words reveal? What heart attitudes do your harsh words reveal. Meg? 

Meg: Okay, so for me it’s in the embarrassing moments. It’s in the little stuff that shouldn’t get my dander up. I was processing this going through this study and really trying to get to the heart of it, and it wasn’t any mystical thing. When I feel vulnerable, or when I’m at a place where I’m maybe insecure about something or whatever it may be that’s throwing me off my groove, that’s when I feel like I need to prove that I have the upper hand, that I have it put together.

Erin: One-upmanship? 

Meg: Yes. That’s when I respond to people with, “Don’t you know my time is valuable? Don’t you know that I’m too busy? How could I bend for you? I’m important! I’m valuable!” And it’s coming out of feeling vulnerable or insecure. I’m trying to trot myself up out of that, so I’m responding to you in that way.

Erin: And don’t you think, if we dig a little deeper, that insecurity is always a faith issue?

Meg: Oh yes. Absolutely!

Erin: It’s a, “God’s not going to take care of me here. He’s not going to protect me. He’s not going to make sure I’m well-esteemed. He doesn’t have my back.” I mean, we don’t think that in the moment that the harsh word comes out, but I think insecurity is a faith issue.

Meg: One hundred percent.

Kesha: And it’s also self-preservation. You have to protect your own reputation.

Erin: I’m gonna take care of me. 

Meg: I’m gonna keep this guarded and keep you at bay.

Kesha: So it’s self-preservation as well. 

Erin: What do you think, Kesha, when you think of the circumstances in which you are harsh. What heart issues do you think are underlying?

Kesha: I think underlying it is pride. The reason why I say that is because if you feel that you have to defend yourself, you’re kind of thinking yourself a little bit more important than you ought to. If you have to defend yourself when someone offends you . . . So I think underlying it is pride. It’s a pride issue. It’s not being able to humble yourself and allow someone to have the one-up on you. You mentioned the one-up. So just allowing that person to be the one that is above you in that situation. So I think it’s pride and impatience. 

Erin: Don’t you think pride exists in every human heart? I’m so sick of my battle with pride. I look forward to the day when I will know the Lord fully as I’ve been fully known and my pride is a former thing. But until then, I have to battle it.

And humility is such a slippery thing. I mean, the second you think you’re humble . . . nope!

Kesha: Something comes to show you that you’re not! 

Erin: You’re not . . . and that never feels good, but it’s ultimately grace. Because if the Lord is revealing a pocket of pride in you, that’s an opportunity to surrender. So your words can be a flag, a flare that shoots up that goes, “Wait a minute. We’ve still got a pocket of pride.” 

My harsh words reveal anger. I did not think I was an angry person . . . and then I had four children in ten years—all boys. That’s where my harsh words come out the most, and I hate that. I mean, those are the people that I would throw myself in front of a bus for. And yet, those are the people most impacted by my sin. I hate that! I’m so glad the Lord will redeem it. 

But those harsh words are not because they’re disobeying me. Those harsh words are not because I’m tired and the baby kept me up all night. Those harsh words are not for any reason other than: I have anger in my heart. The Lord has used my children to expose it. I wouldn’t have known it was there; I would have never repented for it. I would have never needed the Lord as much as I do. I mean, I would have needed Him. I wouldn’t have known how much I need Him.

So those harsh words, when we speak them, there’s an opportunity there to pause and ask the Lord and ask, “What’s going on here?” They reveal our need for Him. Think of those words and whether they come out as harsh or insensitive or rude. Think of them like the tip of the iceberg, and the sin is the iceberg underneath. 

I want us to just practically walk a woman through what it looks like to repent. As you’re listening to this and you’re going, “Uh oh. There’s some heart attitudes here that I need the Lord to help me with.” Practically, what does it look like to repent of those heart attitudes? 

Kesha: I would say that first you have to confess it. You have to acknowledge and agree with God that this is a sin issue here. Don’t try to sugar-coat it, justify it, blame it on the person. Take ownership of that sin and confess it to the Lord. I think that’s the very first step. 

Erin: Great. Meg, any other thoughts on what repentance looks like? 

Meg: For me it’s definitely been mentor relationships. Our relationship has been really important for me in that way. Maybe it’s my age group, maybe it’s all ages, but I think we tend to gang up with our best buddies that are going to agree with us, that are going to sugar-coat it. I need somebody that is going to shoot it to me straight and say, “Hey, that’s not okay.” And repenting in honesty and, like you said, acknowledging it for what it is. 

Erin: I’ve called Meg out on a few things.

Meg: You have, yes.

Kesha: But that is what a good mentor, a godly woman is for. We need it. I’m so glad you said that. I’m so glad to hear that from a twenty-three-year-old.

Meg: Yes, Ma’am. 

Kesha: Because I often say, “This is what we need.” So to hear it from your perspective that this is what we need . . . We need this in the body. We need the accountability. We need someone who is going to call us out and point us in the right direction.

Meg: We need to be that for others as well. We need to be willing to be that for others. 

Erin: All the research in our lives show that young women want that. They want a truth-speaker in their life. I think we sometimes get bogged down with the “mentor” word. They want that. They want that truth-speaker. And we, as older women (Kesha, we’re the older women), we have a responsibility to call somebody to repentance. Though this is never easy and it’s always messy, It is ultimately a gift. Because when we repent we can turn. 

So as you’re listening to this podcast, if you feel that conviction, I would encourage you to confess it to the Lord and confess it to somebody else—that’s biblical! “Confess your sin one to another and pray for one another.” It’s not about airing your dirty laundry, necessarily. It’s a biblical principle that, “Hey. This is in me. I can’t fix it on my own. I want to turn. I need help.”

So let’s read David’s response. Now, let’s remember who David is. This is the man who slays giants. This is the man anointed king. He’s on the run, but he’s a warrior. He just spared Saul’s life (we’ll visit that soon). This is no shrinking violet of a man. 

In verse thirteen, “Then David said to his men, ‘Every man, strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword.” I mean, this is a man who leads men. When he says, “Get your swords!” They got their swords. “And David also strapped on his sword, and about 400 men went up after David, while 200 remained with the baggage.” I’m interested in that little nugget. Like, how much luggage did they have? They needed 200 men to stay with the luggage.

Kesha: That was a lot of luggage!

Erin: Usually this is girls, but this is men!

Meg: “How many shoes did you pack?” 

Erin: I know! It’s a lot. You know what that was? That was more swords. It was just bags and bags and bags of swords. But this is his response. He says, “Every man to your sword!” And Nabal doesn’t stand a chance. This is Nabal versus 400 armed men. And this is really Proverbs 15:1 in action. I mean a harsh word stirred up this anger in David and he’s about to go to war! 

I have four boys and this is what they do. I say, “All of boyhood is one continuous war game.” It’s just like, “We’re gonna fight all the time about everything. And the testosterone starts pumping! And they wrestle with.”

Do you think this was a righteous response?

Kesha: I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Erin: I’m not either.

Kesha: I want to say yes . . .

Erin: . . . because it’s David—and because we don’t like Nabal.

Kesha: But the reason why I would say “no” is because we know at the end he basically thanked Abigail for interceding and for stopping him from shedding blood and having that guilt. So that’s the only reason why I would lean towards “no,” but then I’m like . . .

Erin: . . . but it’s David! And we want Nabal to pay a little bit. Well, I will say this: I don’t know if it’s righteous or unrighteous. I don’t know how the Lord would categorize it. But what we do see is that harsh words escalate. There’s a disproportionate response here because Nabal was just a jerk, and David’s gonna kill him. 

And so, that is not a proportionate response. He’s not just going to go kill him. He’s not going to go man-to-man. He doesn’t call him out and say, “Let’s fight this out.” He brings all his boys. And they’re going to slaughter him. 

Kesha: The whole household!

Erin: And that’s what harsh words do. There’s a principle in this study that’s worth mentioning. It’s the HALT principle. And it gives us pause. If we’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired we pause. Because if we’re hungry . . . I’m always hungry. 

Kesha: Those hunger pains?

Meg: Hungry and angry—hangry. That’s what gets me every time.

Erin: Sometimes somebody just needs to throw me a cheesesteak.

Meg: Which, do you notice when we get into Abigail’s response, one of the first things mentioned is: she acts quickly, and she grabs a bunch of food? 

Kesha: Food!

Erin: She brings him food!

Meg: She knows how to chill the situation. “Let me get him some snacks. There might be some hangry going on here.”

Erin: So, if we’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired: pause. Just pause and meet that need. Stop before you speak. Because harsh words are going to come. We’re going to be harsh towards others, and somebody else’s behavior doesn’t need to change our behavior. And so, we need to know these principles: that harsh words stir up anger. Our own harsh words are going to stir up anger. What harsh words can do is they can take what was a spark and throw kerosene on it. And so we can respond with grace. 

But also, we need to remember that harsh words are the plant. What’s the root? That root is a heart issue. As we’re going to continue to talk through this story, we’re going to be reminded that only the Lord changes the heart. So whether it’s that person that’s rude to you in the check-out line, or cuts you off in traffic, or whether it’s the difficult boss, or the unbelieving husband, or the friend who’s just rude all the time; we don’t need the Lord to work on their words or our own words as much as we need Him to work on the heart.

I’m just going to reach through the microphone to the woman who’s listening and pray for the Lord to remind us that He works in our hearts. 

Jesus, we love you. We thank You for the work that You’ve already done in our hearts. None of our hearts would turn to You if you didn’t do that work in us. And Lord, as we’re talking about the heart issues, God, You are the master of our hearts. I pray for the woman who has been listening who has experienced conviction. God, work in her heart. Your word is a sword; it cuts away the things that are not of You. 

And so in a way that only You can, God, reveal the heart attitudes that are causing those harsh words to bubble up. Lord, help us to repent. Lead us to those people that we can confess our sins to, so that ultimately, we can be more like You. We love You. It’s in Your name I pray. Amen.

All Scripture is taken from the ESV unless otherwise noted.