The Power of Encouragement

This program contains portions from the following episodes:
 

"The Energizing Cycle"

"Words He Can Hear"

"Affirm and Support"

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Dannah Gresh: If you're a wife, are you aware of the influence you have on your husband? Here’s Barbara Rainey.

Barbara Rainey: I think that wives have such great power in our husbands’ lives, and we so underestimate the power that we have to help them become all God intended them to be when we support them. 

Dannah: We’re going to discover just how much of a difference we women can make in the lives of our husbands. And even if you’re not married, I think you’ll find this topic helpful when it comes to encouraging your brothers in Christ around you. 

Welcome to Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Recently, I posted this on my Facebook page. “What’s the coolest thing your husband has ever done for you? I’ll go first!” Then, in the comments I wrote, “Several years ago, my man was missing a lot from November to December. Turns out, he was whacking out a trail in the trees and brush near our farm so I could walk and ride my horses on it.” I went on to explain how special this trail was.

Well, then a couple hundred women started sharing their stories. Like the overwhelmed mom of toddlers who said, “Oh, I wish I could snap my fingers and clean up this house.” Her husband said, “Snap your fingers.” She did. And then he cleaned the house! (Don't try that today . . . I'm not sure it works.) And there were women whose husband’s held them while they cried. One took his wife on a Joy ride. Joy was the name of his mother-in-law who had died recently. He took his wife to all the special places where they could remember her!

Wow! I’ll tell you, reading those got me thinking about all the time Bob Gresh has encouraged me with acts of kindness, words of affirmation, prayer, and well . . . just holding me when I hurt. 

Let’s turn the tables today. What does it look like for you to encourage him? Well, chances are, he probably receives encouragement in different ways than you. (I can tell you my husband has no interest in a trail to ride horses on!) But he loves it when I work beside him. That really floats his boat. Or when I watch football with him. Or when I tell him what he did well after a meeting or presentation. Not what your husband needs? We’ll, that’s ok.

The ways our husband receive encouragement may be as different as each of them are unique, but they all really boil down to one key ingredient: respect. Today you’re going to hear about a unique way to put this into practice in your marriage.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a former pastor, and the author of a book titled Love & Respect. Dr. Eggerichs and Nancy sat down for a conversation about encouraging the men in your life, specifically, your husband. He talked about something called a “respect test.” I think you’ll find it has great potential to change your marriage for the better. Here’s Nancy to start off that conversation with Emerson. 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: In your book, you talk about a respect test that I think is something many of our listeners—I hope all of them who are married—will want to do. Tell us how a woman can do this test and how it might make a difference in her relationship with her husband.

Dr. Eggerichs: Well, a woman listening right now would say, “Well, I don’t feel any respect for him. He doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t earned it.” So this is a huge issue. We’re not talking about the man deserving it, earning it. We’re not talking about him being superior. The Bible teaches that the husband is to love his wife, and we believe that’s because she has one driving need, and that’s to feel love for who she is.

In Ephesians 5:33, wives are commanded to respect their husbands. So there is a biblical command here. The culture endorses unconditional love toward a woman. There’s no debate there. But when you talk about respecting a man, some women go through the roof. They don’t feel . . .

Nancy: It’s really true, all through the culture. In fact, the whole man-bashing thing is very politically correct.

Dr. Eggerichs: Yes.

Nancy: A man wouldn’t dare say things that are negative about women, but women exercise all kinds of freedom. Let me just jump in here and say our listeners, I hope, have heard me say, and if not I want to say it again: Man-bashing is not something I hope you will never hear on Revive Our Hearts. We want to learn as women how to speak in ways—not only to husbands, but to and about men in general—that are respecting them as men made in the image of God.

Dr. Eggerichs: Yes.

Nancy: But as you’re saying, some women are in marriages where they feel like, “There are just certain behaviors on the part of my husband, there are things he does that are just wrong, they’re crazy. How do I respect a man like that?”

Dr. Eggerichs: Yes, and we distinguish respecting that evil behavior from respecting the spirit of the man. You can respect someone unconditionally for who they are deep within their soul. You married him, and that man is still there, and I hope your daughter-in-law still believes in your baby boy who she married, that he’s still there, although he may have an addiction.

A man is to love a woman who is anorexic or who has bulimia or obesity. What kind of a man would we think he is if he stops loving who she was because she has some difficulty from family origin?

We are very much campaigning on men giving unconditional love, and what we’re saying is there is also another dimension here, and that’s the unconditional respect for the spirit of the man—not his evil behavior. That’s absurd. We have to distinguish those two. You can confront a man for his evil behavior, doing so respectfully. When a police officer arrests somebody, they don’t scream words of contempt. They’re very dignified, very respectful, but you go after the behavior.

When I first started doing this, I realized how women just shut down. “There’s no way I’m going to show respect because I don’t feel respect, and I’d be a hypocrite, and I’d be a doormat.” 

So I thought to myself, “How do we get this message across?” I’d spoken to this one group, and they weren’t necessarily tracking with me—200 women. So I said, “Hey, how many of you would like to . . .” Now, I was first launching this because I didn’t know how women were hearing the word respect. They don’t respond to it like men respond to it. They don’t like it.

So I said, “Why don’t you do this? Test this out. You should believe it because the Bible teaches it, and those of you who love Scripture and are teaching the Bible, and you teach it all the time, you state this by faith. When it comes to your marriage, you don’t apply the very thing you espouse to others. There is some inconsistency with some women. You’ve got to take this word by faith.”

It says in 1 Peter 3:2 and in Ephesians 5:33 . . . the central teaching to women is that they’re to respect their husbands. Even so, I said, “Lord, what can I come up with that would help these gals believe this by experience?” Though that’s very dangerous, because it’s not always going to happen with everybody like this story is, but it’s a great illustration.

So we had several women volunteer, and I said, “Here’s what I want you to do. When he’s in his office tonight or his study, where he’s not doing anything, come into the room where he is and say to him: ‘I was thinking about you today. There’s several things about you I really respect, and I want you to know I respect you.’ Then exit the room. Leave.”

Nancy: Just leave it there?

Dr. Eggerichs: Yes. Just leave. So I say to women, “What’s he going to do?” “Well, he’s going to follow.” I said, “That’s right, or if he’s lazy, he’ll call you back.” So these gals volunteered to do this.

Women will break down and cry when they’re offended at the core of their being. Men get angry and go off by themselves.

So what we’re saying to women is, “You’ve got to understand. He speaks a different language.” Why? Because God made us male and female. Is that okay? But when you speak his language of respect, he softens and moves toward you to love, just as if he speaks your language of love, most women will soften and listen to him on his needs.

But back to the respect test: We have said when you show unconditional honor toward a man, he tends to serve. He just responds. It’s just the way God’s made him. In the book we unpack that with some thoughts.

Nancy: And he’s more motivated by respect than by your nagging him to do it. Is that what you’re saying?

Dr. Eggerichs: Well, I think there’s an element of truth to that. Wouldn’t you?

What we’ve said is there’s a crazy cycle we get on, and there’s what we call an energizing cycle. The crazy cycle says, “Without love she reacts without respect; without respect he reacts without love.” We’ve got to get off that. How? Getting on the energizing cycle.

His love motivates her respect, and her respect—here’s what we’re pointing out—her respect, not her love, her respect, this unconditional respect, his mother tongue, motivates him to serve, to love, to respond.

Dannah: I love that insight from Dr. Eggerichs. In fact, I just did it. I did the Respect Test. I texted Bob and I wrote, “You are the world’s best Boppy. (That’s what our granddaughters call him.) They missed you a lot today. Talked about you. I cannot tell you how much respect I have for the legacy-leaving man that you are. I know you are a rare treasure!!” And guess what? It works! Drew my man’s heart right to me!

What kind of cycle is your marriage in? A crazy cycle or an energizing one? The good news is, it’s never too late for you to change your habits or start new ones and get on a good cycle of respect and love with your husband. 

In fact, you can start right now. Check out one of the challenges happening now at Revive Our Hearts. To put new habits into practice for your marriage, check out the Husband Encouragement Challenge. Or, to thrive in your singleness, choose the Singled Out Challenge. When you sign up, you’ll receive 30 days of solid content, reflection questions, and more. If you’re ready for a challenge, find out more and sign up on our website, ReviveOurHearts.com.

Here’s the deal: the way you act and speak to your husband carries a lot of weight—it matters. I think we have more power than we realize. Barbara Rainey and Shaunti Feldhahn talked with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth in more detail about just how much respect (or a lack of it) affects the men in our lives. 

Barbara Rainey: The whole issue is, do we support our husbands or not? That’s what respect boils down to. Are we supporting our husbands in their role that God has given them in our marriages?

It says clearly in Scripture that the husband is the head of the home and the wife is to support him. I think that wives have such great power in our husbands’ lives, and we so underestimate the power that we have to help them become all God intended them to be when we support them.

Nancy: The power for good or for bad.

Barbara: That’s right. Unfortunately.

Nancy: If a man’s wife believes in him, he thinks he can conquer the world, and he’s motivated to be all the man God made him to be. But we’ve also received some emails from men here at our ministry saying, “My wife has effectively torn me to shreds. I’ve retreated in my workplace. I’ve retreated into the Internet,” in some cases into pornography . . . things that are not justifiable at all.

But I remember one man quoting those verses from Proverbs about, “It’s better to live in the corner of a roof or in a desert than with a quarrelsome wife who tears you down” (21:9, 19; 25:24, paraphrased).

Barbara: That is so true.

Shaunti Feldhahn: I often hear from women about this who say, “Well, I just feel that my husband doesn’t love me. I’m not feeling the love from him day in and day out.”

Often I say, “You know what? I’ll bet there’s more than a 50% chance the reason is that he is not feeling respect from you is that you, without realizing it, are spending all day every day tearing him down. He is not going to feel built up to be that loving husband you most want.”

Whereas if you say, “Okay, I’m going to make the choice. I’m going to watch what I say; my eyes are open to this. I’m going to spend time building him up, showing him and demonstrating that I trust and respect him.” I’ll bet you anything that things will dramatically turn around in your home.

Shaunti: Even though our men go through their day looking very confident, they actually walk around with this secret insecurity inside, basically feeling, I’m really not sure what I’m doing, and I hope nobody finds out.

We are usually quite surprised to discover this. Once we understand it, we suddenly understand the really radical importance of affirming our men.

Nancy: Now, I look at a lot of men and they seem to be really confident. They’re leaders; they’re gifted; they’re talented. But you’re saying you’ve found that many, many men who appear to be really confident have this kind of internal insecurity.

Shaunti: It’s not just that they are internally insecure, which they are. There’s a companion to that, too: Men go through their day feeling like they are always being watched and judged and that people are going to find out they really don’t know what they’re doing.

As one man told me, “That feeling doesn’t just stop when I walk through the door at home. As a matter of fact, it’s even worse sometimes at home, this feeling of, ‘I really don’t know how to be a good husband or a good dad.’” So that’s even more where our role is very important to build them up.

Nancy: Now, Barbara, you’re married to a godly, competent man. Yet even men like that need to know that their wife thinks they’re doing a good job. They need the affirmation they get from their wife.

Barbara: And they don’t need it just once. They need it over and over again. They need it on a daily basis.

Nancy: So what happens if you think, at some point, that he’s not doing a good job? How do you communicate that in a way that doesn’t tear him down?

Barbara: Well, I think we can communicate something we think he may need to work on in a positive way. We can communicate it in a respectful way. So much of it goes back to our attitude.

The attitude of my heart is going to determine what comes out of my mouth, the tone of voice I use, the way that I say it . . .

Nancy: The timing . . .

Barbara: There are a lot of different things that play into that, if my attitude is one of respect and one of really caring for him, I need to have compassion on the load God has given him to carry, rather than being critical. So if I approach him with compassion and with an attitude that knows he needs respect, then the words that come out of my mouth are going to communicate that.

I may ask for a time when I could express how I’m feeling. Or I may say, “I’ve got some thoughts. Would you like to hear them?” He may say "no." So I say, “Okay, that’s fine.” But usually he’ll come back around because he really wants to know what I think.

Nancy: And of course, so much of this is a matter of focus.

Barbara: It is.

Nancy: If you get your eyes focused on the negative qualities—if that’s what you’re talking about, if that’s what you’re pointing out—you start to see everything through those glasses.

Barbara: Absolutely.

Dannah: Are you taking notes? I need to grab a pen. This is so good. These are such good tips from Barbara Rainey and Shaunti Feldhahn for how to affirm and encourage your husband in everyday moments. 

Now we’ve been talking specifically about encouraging your husband. In Genesis 2:18 we read, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'” I have the honor of coming beside my husband and helping him, much the same way the Lord helps me and makes me stronger, wiser, better. 

But what about the other men in our lives? Fathers. Pastors. Coworkers. Brothers. How can we encourage all the men in our lives to live in their full God-given potential? Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has some thoughts for us. 

Nancy: There’s an equality between man and woman, but there’s a fitting together of each other, a complementarity. She is a counterpart, a helper suitable for him.

I want to take us back to the Word of God which indicates that women were created to be helpers. The woman was created from the man and for the man. As helpers we can either build up or tear down the men in our lives. We can help, or we can hinder.

We are responsible for demonstrating godly femininity. That is what we can do by the power of the Spirit. As we do, in turn that will encourage and help the men to express godly masculinity.

The heart attitude is that out of which the actions will ultimately flow. When you look at it this way, there’s a tension that rises in many of our hearts as women. And here’s how it goes.

First of all there is that God-created desire that most women feel, that desire for men to step up to the plate and be men. This is one of the most common things I hear from women. “If men would just be men, if they would just step up to the plate, if they would just lead . . .” So there is in our hearts as women a desire—it’s a God-created desire—for men to be men.

But then there is also—and here’s where the tension is—that fallen impulse in our hearts as women that makes us want to take control, where we want to take the reins. We’d rather compete than complete the men.

So how can we as women affirm and encourage men to express godly masculinity?

I decided to get some input from some men that I know. I wanted to hear their hearts rather than me trying to answer this question on their behalf. So I sent out an email to several dozen men who serve in our ministry, other friends, people I work with, that I know. I asked them two questions.

I just said, “Tell me anything that you’d like to say in response to these two questions."

First of all, what can we as women do to affirm and encourage men to be godly men? What are some practical ways that we can honor and support God ordained male leadership in the home and in the church?” So the first question is, “How can we encourage you? How can we support you? How can we affirm you in your leadership?”

The second was kind of the opposite of that. What are some ways that we as women discourage you as men from stepping up to the plate and expressing godly masculinity? What are some ways that we tear down or diminish male leadership in the home and in the church?

Most of what they said is applied specifically to the marriage relationship. But I have found that much of this can be applied in other male/female relationships—in the home, in the church, in the workplace, in the community. The things these guys wrote were really helpful, and I have to say, convicting to me as I think about the men in my church, the men I'm friends with, the men that I serve with in Revive Our Hearts.

I’ll give you some categories of what they said. The one thing that came back in many different ways is the importance of expressing encouragement and belief in them as men. Let me just read what some said.

One said, "Say thank you more frequently and mean it. An attitude of gratitude goes a long way."

Another man said, "Compliment him when it’s appropriate to do so. Men like to know they’re doing a good job, even on the smallest things."

Here’s another one, and that’s the area of communication.

In our ministry we talk about having “HOT” communication—H-O-T. That means honest, open, and transparent. It’s the kind of communication you want to have in your marriage. But communication—learn to ask questions, to solicit input, to ask your husband, to ask the men in your sphere of influence, What do you think? What’s your idea about this? What would you suggest?

And then here’s an important part of communication. Not only ask questions but listen. And then beyond communication, here's something that has to underlie all our dealings with each other, and that is extend grace. 

Listen, these guys around us, they’re not going to do it perfectly. They are in the process of trying to become biblical men, many of them. And the tendency is to think, When my husband or the men I work with or the men in my circle of friends, when those men become godly men, then I’ll affirm and encourage them.

And the tendency—I’ve heard it in a lot of wives—is to want to withhold the affirmation until he changes. Because here’s the little secret fear. I hope you don’t mind if I let people in on this little secret in our hearts. The concern is that if we affirm them too much they might get the idea they’re okay the way they are. Am I right? Have you ever had that thought?

Listen, encouragement and affirmation is the soil in which these guys will be motivated, in which they will flourish. We need to extend grace to husbands, to our Christian brothers who are growing into the men that God wants them to be the same way that we need them to extend grace to us as we’re growing into the women God wants us to be.

Dannah: Affirmation is powerful. Nancy’s been explaining how your encouragement makes a difference in not only your husband’s heart but also other men in your life. 

Well, I just have to ask: Are you an encourager? We’ve seen today just how powerful encouragement can be to the men in our lives. Let’s step into that strength, friend!

You know, this episode has made me think of some people who do a great job of encouraging—the Revive Our Hearts Ambassadors. The Ambassadors are a group of women who serve and encourage women’s ministry leaders. They believe in the mission and ministry of Revive Our Hearts, and they want to connect with and help support pastors’ wives and ministry leaders in their own regions and communities.

Sound like something you might be interested in doing? We’re looking for women to join our team of Ambassadors. If you’re excited about what God is doing through this ministry and you have a passion for serving women’s ministry leaders, find out if becoming a Revive Our Hearts Ambassador is right for you. Visit ReviveOurHearts.com/Ambassadors today for more information. 

That’s ReviveOurHearts.com/Ambassadors, or you can find the link by going to ROH.com/weekend and click on today’s episode. 

Here’s a fact we all know to be true: life is short. So, how are you spending the very precious commodity of time? Come sit with me by my fireplace a bit next week. Next weekend we’ll chat about living intentionally—most importantly, living for God, with every single moment we have.

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

Revive Our Hearts is calling you to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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